I like Prince's suggestion for the last line or:
you see, I like to take my time when I read
I like Prince's suggestion for the last line or:
you see, I like to take my time when I read
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Thanks Prince and Delta for weighing in!
Delta, believe it or not, your line was in my early drafts! but I'll go with Prince's version, it's more economical.
Last edited by Haunted; 02-28-2011 at 06:44 PM.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
Hi Haunted, I love this poem with its sensual appreciation of the physical presensce of books. I reminds me a little of the opening to "Perigore", and unfinished short story of mine in the Short Story thread. You can keep your kimbles or kindles or whatever they are called. Give me paper and past-board and the feel of a book in the hand, the smell of the ink and the crackle of the pages as you turn them. Pure magic, as is your poem.
Live and be well - H
Hawk, I was away for a little bit and couldn't wait to say thanks as I always look forward to your comments. I love your descriptions. I should also add how the spine bends as pages are turned. It just goes on and on. I have to check out Perigore.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
900 days of winter
day one
is a balmy September afternoon
but thirty thousand feet up
flying against the jet stream
it is subfreezing all the way
to the ICU
day 3
the death of a second parent
feels no different than
having a five dollar ice pick
aiming straight for
the ventricular chamber
the body retracts into
its original fetal position
between day 382 to 899
three more instances of
sharp force trauma to the heart
day 900
life exsanguinates
on a field of red snow
day 901
Happy Hour and baseball
and summer tv reruns
all is well in the world
just a few less people
Last edited by Haunted; 03-31-2011 at 12:57 AM.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
Oh, this is a devastating poem! And accomplished without one drop (a far as I could tell) of self-pity! So strong!
I think devastating is the word. Every line is like some painful blow. I actually thought of the twin towers disaster in the first two verses.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Thanks Prince and Delta. You have come to be my moral support in my darkest poetic hours.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
This is a rather discomforting poem, Haunted, that works well in suggesting some terrible loss, without being overly emotional.
The number '800' is clearly significant to the narrator, although the reader isn't told specifically why; but I don't think that matters a great deal, the suggestion is strong enough.
The poem is controlled emotionally by the use of medical or scientific diction: 'subfreezing', ICU', 'exsanguinates', 'ventricular chamber', and the diary-entry form, both of which gives the narrator a certain cold detachment from the reality of the poem's content.
At times, I felt the diction weakened the poem a touch - being threatened with an ice pick in the 'ventricular chamber' for me doesn't carry the same visceral fear as saying 'skull' or 'stomach' would.
But it's an inventive, compelling poem, and you've used form much to the advantage of the content.
I have to ask what happened to day 4 to day 381? It definitely starts on 9/11 and 800 days on must take us to about 2004? Or just the winters... I give up haunted, I will buy you a screwdiver if you explain x
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
b/v, Jerry, thanks for your kind words. Glad that you asked me about the years/numbers, shows that you are almost as obsessed with numbers as I am! It should have been something like 1,200 days, but I couldn't have any commas (punctuation) in my poems if I can help it, so I made that 800. But it should have been 900 for it to be a summer day, but my math is off.
Anyway 800 is a good number to look at. Sideways 8 is infinity, and squishing 00 together you get another infinity. But I should change it back to 900.
I wish I could write more passionately with words like stomach and heart without becoming overly sentimental. In the end I went with clinical words to avoid a pitiful tone.
4 to day 381 were spent anticipating day 382 and thereafter. It actually starts in 2007 when the sh t hit the fan.
*screwdrivers*
Last edited by Haunted; 03-09-2011 at 07:40 PM.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
[deleted]
Last edited by Haunted; 03-16-2011 at 08:53 PM.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
I think sometimes the height and durability of a wall will express what is on the other side. Fantastic illustrations of condensation and displacement. Very stoic. Almost tragic in the original sense, maybe even heroic in that regard.
Last edited by deryk; 03-17-2011 at 03:33 AM.
"My Soul, do not seek eternal life, but to exhaust the realm of possibility." -Pindar
deryk, welcome to the forum. It's a really nice comment but I'm confused, it refers to which poem?
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
It was such a good poem, why did you take it down, haunted!!!!!....
Bar...
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