The Last Assassin - Chapter 1

[DanPearson]

Hey, this is my first post, i'm 15 and studying in school, from the UK.
I've always loved writing but never really told anyone and always kept it too myself and I wanted to show people some of my work and hopefully get some positive messages and improvements. I love fantasy (as any teenage boy would) and this is my first attempt at a short novel type story.

The Last Assassin
Chapter 1
The sun arose from the horizon and casted a blinding light through the kitchen window of the quaint cottage. An aged man scurried into the light infested room and pulled a large curtain over the window, blacking out the attacking light. He lit a candle and sat at a small oak table in the centre of the room and pulled a large hood over his balding head.
“Damn light.” The man groaned stroking his wiry grey beard. He stared into the flickering flame of the burning candle, in silence. From his long gown the man pulled a long pendant from a baggy pocket, holding it above the flame. The jewel on the tip of the golden chain glistened emerald light as he dropped it lower into the flame. Muttering alone, the strange fellow fluttered his eyelids rapidly as the shining pendant vibrated slowly. It picked up speed and soon the colour shined brighter, more direct.
“Cedric!” an angry cry bellowed. “What are you doing? I thought this was over?” Light from the opened door surged through, submerging a baffled Cedric.
“Get out of here Eli! You weren’t called here! I don’t need you anymore” he thumped his clenched fist upon the sturdy table and leapt to his feet. The light from the open door empowered Cedric, causing him to swiftly turn to the darkness of the room.
“Now’s not the time Cedric, we must leave.” Eli commanded. He wore a long padded beige coat, dropping just below his knee pads. His hair curled carelessly over his boorish face and shoulders, a hint of ginger spread amongst his dark hair. He grabbed a small note pad from his undercoat and handed it to the clearly angered man. Cedric turned to face the light, his bony face now more defined as the sun shone. He stroked his beard once more.
“No! No way! I’m 64 now Eli, I refuse to fight his battles” Cedric raged.
“He needs you Cedric; I’m no longer as young either! Listen to me, he’s on the brink, I mean it this time, things have changed-”
“What about you?” questioned Cedric.
“He needs us both, this is serious!” the portly built man pleaded, he turned and trudged towards the door. “We’re assassins Cedric, not murderers” he bellowed from the distance. “The horse is out front.”
Cedric looked towards the door to see if Eli had gone, once checked he stared down at the pendant upon the table, stroking the shiny surface of the jewel. Dragging his eyes away from the distraction he pulled on a dark crimson coat from a hanger next to the sink and wrapped it tightly around his nimble body. He headed towards the door, but halted at the exit. He turned again and headed back into the dark kitchen, grasping the pendant upon the table. Quickly, he placed it into a velvet bag and stashed it into his pocket. Once again he headed towards the door, this time he never looked back.

[hillwalker]

I love the way you've built up the readers' expectations - there's some mystery behind their actions but you are keeping us all in the dark. Forcing us to read on to feed our appetite.
You write extremely well for your age - and seem to have a good grasp of how to pace a story. Also the dialogue is realistic (for the genre of course).

If you want a couple of pointers on how to improve this then one or two things stood out. You need to read through it and eliminate careless repetitions that you might have missed but that most readers will notice:

From his long gown the man pulled a long pendant

and

He headed towards the door, but halted at the exit. He turned again and headed back into the dark kitchen, grasping the pendant upon the table. Quickly, he placed it into a velvet bag and stashed it into his pocket. Once again he headed towards the door.

They are only minor matters but an editor would pick up on them immediately.

Also, the opening paragraph is a little over-written, as if you were trying too hard to create a good impression by using original expressions.
'The sun arose from the horizon' is a bit clumsy ('rose above'??) and 'casted' (should be 'cast') a 'blinding light' (a bit of a cliche) - 'quaint cottage' is also rather a weak description and not the kind of setting where one would expect to find such skullduggery taking place, and finally 'scurried' puts me in mind of mice rather than old men.

But overall this is very good. You obviously love fantasy - and writing - and we have all gone through that phase of keeping our talents under wraps as if it's some shameful secret. Eventually you'll feel confident enough to share it with others - possibly a local writing group. Then, watch out world.....

H

[everyadventure]

Since you gave yourself such a helpful introduction, let me give you one as well: I work in a middle school library, and I read nearly every book that comes through those doors so that I can recommend them to students and teachers.

Your book (what there is of it, anyhow) would sit comfortably on our shelves, next to Inkheart and Eragon (well, if they weren't shelved alphabetically, that is).

It's easy to read, it isn't overwrought, and I think it has definite appeal for the Young Adult set. I thought that overall you did an excellent job of word selection: light infested / surged / submerging / boorish.

I don't have too much advice to give; and I think that you have the skill to spot any glaring issues, if you'd read through it once more... for example,
From his long gown the man pulled a long pendant. I also felt the last line was a little predictable; surprise us!

Welcome, it's wonderful to have such a promising young writer in our midst!

[DanPearson]

Thanks a lot for the advice and feedback, it's greatly appreciated. I wrote the first short chapter in about 45 minutes last night and it was the most fun i've had in a long time! Do you think I should continue with the story and post again in the future?

[hillwalker]

Thanks a lot for the advice and feedback, it's greatly appreciated. I wrote the first short chapter in about 45 minutes last night and it was the most fun i've had in a long time! Do you think I should continue with the story and post again in the future?

I would certainly continue - see where it takes you.

As for posting on here that's another matter - entirely up to you. The feedback you may (or may not) get is as much a case of how busy everybody else is as to how much they have to say about your work.

H