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Thread: Trouble for Kenshi

  1. #1
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    Trouble for Kenshi

    Kenshi thoroughly cleaned his sword with his cloth, some drops of blood falling to the ground as the sword brightened but still looked dry. "Ah, that should be good enough," he quietly said aloud to himself as he put the sword back by his side.
    The samurai headed back to his living space, a bit exasperated over the bombardment of two men he managed to ward off, cutting one man's head off scaring the other to go o ff running. He knew killing was taking it too far, but it was better than him getting killed by those armed men, reassuring himself that he would not get into too much trouble with the mayor.
    Sliding the doors to his home, Kenshi took off his shoes and lit a pot of stew. Waiting for it to heat up he chewed on some frog legs given to him by his little daughter. She lived in another village not too far off, living with her mother and step-father in a bigger house than he knew he could of ever afforded for them.
    A knock soon came to his door a bit earlier than expected. Kenshi took a gulp of stew before he opened the door. "Hello?"
    "Mr. Takeda?", a group of about five men stood outside including the man that ran off before.
    "That's him." The dead man's friend confirmed.
    "Yes, I am Takeda," Kenshi replied.
    "Are you aware you have killed Mr. Juju?" one of the town officers asked.
    "In self-defense of my life, perhaps," the samurai answered.
    "Well, we are to take you in custody until your hearing tomorrow," the same man informed.
    "Alright," Takeda said walking over to his sword that rested in the back of the room.
    "No! You leave that behind," the taller town officer ordered.
    "Ok," Kenshi replied a little frustratingly, stopping dead in his tracks.
    The town officers did not wait though, walking into Kenji's home grabbing him by the arms and leading him to a carriage, locking his arms so he could not restrain.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * **

    "Life in prison," the court ruler concluded. As soon as he heard this Kenshi Takeda deeply regretted his actions.
    Led out of the order house, Kenshi saw his daughter with her mother and step-father standing by the side. Seeing his daughter's little wave, the samurai deeply saddened, a tear falling down his cheek.
    Last edited by madad; 10-03-2014 at 04:14 AM.

  2. #2
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    Though, it's a unique character and setting, it feels incomplete. Man kills a couple guys - gets life in prison - the end. There's no build or climax. It just feels like a small piece of a much bigger puzzle that, by itself, isn't very strong. But, that doesn't mean it can't be. I'd recommend making it much longer. Maybe, while in prison, he gets word his daughter's been harmed and breaks free to save her. There are a lot of possibilities as far as story lines go. Best of luck.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by nicksherman9 View Post
    Though, it's a unique character and setting, it feels incomplete. Man kills a couple guys - gets life in prison - the end. There's no build or climax. It just feels like a small piece of a much bigger puzzle that, by itself, isn't very strong. But, that doesn't mean it can't be. I'd recommend making it much longer. Maybe, while in prison, he gets word his daughter's been harmed and breaks free to save her. There are a lot of possibilities as far as story lines go. Best of luck.
    I was thinking a moral of the short story could be to be careful of your actions, unexpected repercussions could result. Perhaps I did not execute it well enough to make that clear. I appreciate your advice to make the story longer though, I will think about it. Thanks.

  4. #4
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    Gotcha. Without any details of him killing the guy, I just assumed he had to do it to save himself. Something as simple as starting the story back a little earlier in time may help make it more clear. Perhaps, it could begin with man wounded on the ground. Kenshi would have the choice whether he wants to kill him or let him live. Out of principle or whatever, he kills him. Your story above could then follow. I think it would help get the point across, but it's your story. Best of luck.

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