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I like a story that is in essence a puzzle for the reader to figure out. There are plenty of phrases here I can identify as clues - "always pushing," "as if you own the place," "that noise... higher, up and down," "a needle" - and yet I missed it. It must have something to do with drugs, an injection, but I can't figure out who is talking to whom, or what to what. Don't tell me yet. I'm curious if other readers have figured it out or not.
hmm could be several options ... not sure there enough clues to make a final decision though.
A person crying has a voice which goes up and down .........
tonsils?
It seemed like one person was killing the other with an injection of poison. The story probably needs to be longer to get the idea across that the person doing the killing did not want to kill the other one.
One can have very short fiction. Jokes are an example of just how short a story can be and be effective on a reader.
I am a twin ...
Pretty sure I have it now, but still not 100% sure. Much different than what I was thinking at first.
Twins in the womb being aborted.
It was the abortion needle that threw me off. Good, but I'm not sure anyone will "get it" without your subsequent clues.
Ok, maybe it was a fun(?) or useful exercise for you. Fine. But this reader would love to see you get to making art. You seem to be 'on the level.' Why don't you get to it?
J
yeah seriously did not get that ... and not well expressed sorry .... FYI check your facts ... by the time a foetus would be old enough to be having some kind of conversation in the womb a. it would not legal b. would not involve a needle. In fact an abortion never involves a needle. Early abortions use a suction pipe to do a D & C
You're quite right, I was just messing around with ideas
and flash fiction.
It's metaphysical.
Yes but there are still rules to be followed. Even using the most stringent definition of flash fiction as being 300 words or less (although most will say 500 words or less) your story must still have a beginning and a middle and an end. This is where the difficulty comes in. In essence flash fiction is about telling a full story in as few words as possible. Honing your story down to its bones while retaining all the elements of a full length short story.
I didn't think I was so far off the mark. Anyway thanks for your comment I'll soak it up and move forward ... Neil
I didn't guess it either (I thought rising & falling noise + needle = sewing machine), but I think Pumpkin337's being a bit hard on you. A story told through conversation is no less a "real" story than, say, an epistolary tale. The feedback seems to agree that this was a bit too vague, but that's what feedback's for. By all means, keep experimenting.
Cheers Calidore.
hmm I'm sorry if I was being too hard, I was addressing what seemed to be some wrong assumptions about flash fiction. It is not merely about brevity (and thus descending into obscurity - in the sense of not being clear) but about using skill to tell a whole story with a few words. If you pare the story down to the point it no longer makes sense or offers too few clues for the reader then it has failed. Regardless of which style you choose to frame the piece it must still follow the basic rules of all story telling. Brevity for brevities sake isn't enough.
Myself, I tend to prefer the more traditional type of story you're talking about (though I do think this one has a beginning, middle, and end, once you know what it's about). I also agree with you that "If you pare the story down to the point it no longer makes sense or offers too few clues for the reader then it has failed." I just disagree that the "rules" regarding what can be called a story are so rigid.
http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/flash.shtmlQuote:
Flash What? A Quick Look at Flash Fiction
by Jason Gurley
If you're anything like me -- the traditional short story writer Ð- then perhaps you've had the same reaction I exhibited when I first heard of something called "flash fiction." I stopped, stared, then turned to a writer friend of mine and said, "What?"
Flash fiction has been around for years, but has become increasingly prevalent in the literary community. Once the obscure little sister of the conventional 2,000 word story, flash fiction has shrugged off that obscurity to accept its new position: the intellectually challenging blurb. Dozens of literary publications, both print and online, have shifted their focus to include (or focus exclusively upon) flash fiction.
So what is it?
A Flash in the Pan?
In brief, flash fiction is a short form of storytelling. Defining it by the number of words or sentences or even pages required to tell a story, however, is impossible, for it differs from writer to writer, editor to editor. Some purists insist that it is a complete story told in less than 75 words; others claim 100 should be the maximum. For less-rigid flashers, anything under 1,000 words can be considered flash-worthy. And there are even a few who stretch their limits to 1,500 words.
Not only is the definition of flash fiction unstable, but the name is as well. Pamelyn Casto recounts its various titles in her article Flashes on the Meridian: Dazzled by Flash Fiction:
Other names for it include short-short stories, sudden, postcard, minute, furious, fast, quick, skinny, and micro fiction. In France such works are called nouvelles. In China this type of writing has several interesting names: little short story, pocket-size story, minute-long story, palm-sized story, and my personal favorite, the smoke-long story (just long enough to read while smoking a cigarette). What's in a name? That which we call flash fiction, by any other name would read as bright.
So we've now got a fairly blurry idea of what flash fiction is. The question now: How can one write it?
Flashes of Inspiration
Though the form is by definition extremely short, it is not a medium that tolerates fragemented storytelling. The challenge of flash fiction is to tell a complete story in which every word is absolutely essential, to peel away the frills and lace until you're left with nothing but the hard, clean-scraped core of a story.
Do not make the mistake of assuming that such bare-bones writing is less than elegant or beautiful. Sometimes beauty, or even inspiration, can be found in the simplest of things.
What makes a complete story? Lila Guzman, author of "Ask the Author", once told me that a complete story is "A beginning, a middle and end." How difficult is that?
When it comes to cramming such things into less space than the back of a playing card, it can be very difficult indeed.
The easiest way to write flash fiction, in my experience, is to let it all hang out. Throw yourself into your writing and crank out a beautiful story, regardless of the length. Then, take a good, long look at it.
Grab a red marker and slash out every adjective and adverb you can find. Your word count will diminish greatly. Run back through the story and read it aloud. Does it still make sense? You'll be amazed at how much emotion and description can be conveyed by a story devoid of descriptive words.
Now grab that red pen again. Ask yourself these questions:
Is there a definable plot? By this, go back to the comment made by Guzman. Can you identify the three simple parts of this story? Do you have a clear beginning? A strong centerpiece? A definitive ending? If you don't, you've got nothing more than a snippet of a larger story. Start editing.
Does your story make its point and drive it home, hard? Most flash fiction stories, due to their abrupt beginnings and sudden endings, leave the reader breathless when finished. Though not all stories need to be forceful to fit into this small genre, it is a trend that has followed flash throughout the years. Still, if your story doesn't have that hard-hitting theme and end by smacking into a wall, don't worry; it's not a necessity.
Is every word absolutely essential to the story? Or have you left unnecessary sentences here and there, or maybe a few unneeded descriptives? "The quick brown dog jumped over the lazy fox" is a vivid way of stating the facts, but think of it this way: You're writing this story from margin to margin. Those margins are solid walls -- there's no going past them. Give yourself five lines, or ten if you're less daring, and consider the first and last line your floor and ceiling. To tell your story, you've got to make the most of the space. "The dog jumped over the fox" leaves you with much more room to move forward, to expand.
I understood it was a baby in the womb and that the needle would be an abortion upon first reading. I just didn't get the twins, I thought it was an imagined conversation between mother and unborn child. I thought it was great. Good job.
Cheers Jerrybaldy: I have a twin sister you see! I put the title at the top of the piece after nobody understood what I was on about! I thought there was enough to go on: diminishing space and so on.