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Hello everyone. This was my first short story,which I had written long back. Please do reply, even if you feel it's terrible.
outstanding short Gau. Well written.
Thanks a lot Lonesome Cowboy, it means a lot to me
no prbs Gau. Be sure to read my stories and leave comments. Thanks.
Would you go to a job interview looking like this story does? You need a line of whitespace between paragraphs and proper paragraph breaks (for example, between dialogue from different speakers). You also have spaces in front of punctuation, and other punctuation with no spaces on either side ("lobby!Soon"). Clean it up and people will be more likely to look at it instead of away from it.
Thanks for the reply. I will take care of it next time. But I would like to know how you felt about the story.
I was unable to read it at the time; honest typos and grammar hiccups are one thing (we do have numerous non-native English speakers posting here), but that mess was more than I could force myself through. I see now that you've cleaned it up considerably (still lots of extra and missing spaces around punctuation, though--you might give it another going over), so I'll have a look tomorrow, as it's pretty late now.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gaurav Joshi
I have tried hard to avoid any more punctuation errors. And the story is set in India, so there may be some confusion for you at first. Hope you read the story and like it.
I find it enjoyable!
Thank you very much. I am glad you liked it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohammad Ahmad
Reminds me a lot of 1001 Nights, including the way you have framed the narrative as being told by a non-participant who heard it from someone else.
There are a few minor things that can be attributed to English being your second language, so I’ll pass over those. For the story itself, I like the concept. You’ve challenged yourself to bring together details from several incidents to form a kind of mosaic of a story where all the pieces need to fit together in place. I like that and applaud you for the effort. It works for the most part, but I do think you need to work a little more – there are some missing pieces and they need to fit together better.
For example, in the first robbery, you say “the owner had planned the robbery of his own house… and Sushant unknowingly became the part of it.” I think you need to explain that a little more. If the owner had planned a robbery for the same night, then presumably there should have been another thief on the premises collaborating with the owner, but none of that, and none of the repercussions of that, were explained.
After detailing his first two robberies, you mention he did three more, but give no details. To me this detracts from the story, and I would leave that out and just make the stolen car his third robbery. If the stolen car was involved in a murder, I think you need to explain how that car was involved so the reader can understand why the police thought the driver of the car was the murderer. You also, I think, need to explain more about what the car has to do with the bribe that you mention.
Finally, in the end, it turns out that the police conclude that the car was not stolen, a bribe had not taken place, and no theft had taken place in the bungalow. That’s all very nice, and makes for a happy ending, but you really need to explain how/why the police came to those conclusions. You’ll need to think hard to come up with plausible explanations for these questions, but it can be done and your story will be much better with those questions answered.
There is a tale in 1001 nights, The Little Hunchback (it’s available on this site under Authors/ Anonymous/Arabian Nights volume 2), that has many parallels with your story. The Little Hunchback is a dinner guest at a tailor’s house and chokes on a fishbone and dies. The tailor calls a doctor. In the meantime, afraid he will be blamed for his guest’s death, the tailor sets up a plan that will make the doctor think that he, the doctor, killed the hunchback. Believing that he killed the hunchback, the doctor then takes the corpse and sneaks him into his neighbor’s house at night, propping the corpse up to look like it is standing. When the neighbor sees the standing corpse in hois house in the middle of the night, he thinks it is a thief and hits it with a club and now the neighbor thinks that he has killed the hunchback. The story continues, and in the end all end up before the chief justice and then the sultan. A series of other stories intervenes, but at the end of The Story of the Barber (5 chapters later), an old man removes the fishbone from the hunchback’s throat, and the hunchback immediately sneezes, opens his eyes, and shows other signs of life. I’ll recommend you read The Little Hunchback and the ending of The Story of the Barber. It might inspire you to come up with better explanations for the incidents that occur in your story.
I am really glad you took so much interest in this story.
For the first robbery, I thought it was needless for me to explain about the other thief as for the bungalow owner the job was done. And as this story is a narration in a narration it was getting very difficult for me to give any role to the bungalow owner or to the unmentioned thief.
Secondly, I had actually written about his stolen car theft but I edited it out, because it was stagnating the pace of the story. As mentioned this story is set in India. So to answer the question about police thinking that the driver is a murderer, you need to understand a bit about Indian Judiciary and law. India has perhaps one of the most lethargic and useless law and order in the world. Police here are not bothered about justice. Sushant being caught as a murderer depicts how lethargically the system is working. The thief has to explain his own thefts to escape death penalty. And the car and bribe were actually separate thefts but were edited as I thought I was stretching the story unneccessarily.
And the climax was perhaps a bitter-sweet one. Without mentioning, I wanted to convey that the police including the so called 'honest friend' were bribed, to prove no robbery ever took place. Again rampant corruption is seen in every department in India.
Anyway I thank you very much for looking at this story so minutely and I had no idea about that tale and I am looking forward to read it.
Nice to engage with you, Gaurav. Actually, I lived in Mumbai form 1992-94, and had quite a bit of interaction with the Indian police during my stay. (The interaction was both good and bad. One officer, Mr. Manicham Sekar, in particular was a real jewell, and I've often wondered what happened to him and if he was ever promoted). So anyway, I know what you are talking about there.
I don't think your story is all that long and do think it would benefit by replacing those sections that you deleted. For the ending, even though I am familiar with Indian police, the thought never occurred to me that Sushant bribed them (although I guess I should have thought so), so you might want to just come out and say much more directly that because bribes were paid, all charges were dropped, and that is what made Sushant the perfect thief.
I am afraid you got it wrong again.The climax is much deeper. It was the bungalow owner, men involved in corruption who bribed the police. Sarcastically I wanted to convey that they were forced to prove nothing happened because if Sushant is the thief even they are criminals. The owner has income tax department after him while the men would have to explain how that money which Sushant stole is their's (as it was black money). Thus it ends quite darkly as every criminal escapes his punishment.
And Sushant who never planned any theft properly escaped once again, with all the loot as no one claimed it (again the black money) made him a perfect thief.
Also, this is my first short story. So I had very little idea how long it should be. I just wanted to make it a story of funny escapes of a thief but ultimately to conclude it I had to change the plot itself. I am happy if you think there should have been some more thefts included which means you enjoyed the pace of the story.
And I think you are rightly saying that I am expecting too many assumptions from the reader. But if I had directly written police were bribed I would have lost the essence of the story. But I will make it a point to write clearly next time.
My thoughts:
* I'm going to agree with you and disagree with 101 fountains about the three robberies you mentioned but didn't detail. If you felt they interfered with the story instead of adding to it, then you were right to leave them out.
* On the other hand, I'm with 101 fountains about the missing important details, especially at the end. I was as much in the dark as he was. The fact that you had to explain so much of the resolution yourself should be a clue to you; all necessary information should be in the story.
The thief/thieves issue he brings up is also valid. I very much like the idea of a homeowner hiring a burglar with neither knowing of a surprise party that night, but it takes quite a suspension of disbelief to accept that the thief would not be caught by one or more of the people hiding, who he would not know to sneak past. I think this part could use some more detail to make it work, especially if you add the other thief to the mix as well.
* I'm uncertain why you even need three nested storytellers. The criminal psychologist telling the story to his daughter, fine; the thief Sushant, who is the source of the stories, fine; but the classmate in the middle serves no purpose. You even mention that the multiple layers gave you trouble. I suggest deleting the middleman entirely since he has nothing to do with anything that's happening.
* I second 101 fountains' recommendation of "The Little Hunchback". It's hilarious.
Overall, it's an enjoyable story. Thanks for posting it!
I am thinking of writing a new end which explains the story more clearly as both you and 101 fountains and some of my friends whom I narrated the story found the end quite confusing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Calidore
But for the first theft, you have to assume that no one saw him stealing because that itself is the story. Each time he escaped without proper planning.
And the classmate narration was something I have to agree with you. It came in as a major hindrance without serving any purpose. But thank you so much for giving your valuable suggestions as I am quite new to writing. These tips are really useful.
I have made a slight change in the climax, please reply if you feel it's better than the previous one.Quote:
Originally Posted by 108 fountains
I have made a slight chance in climax, please reply if you feel this is better than the previous one.Quote:
Originally Posted by Calidore
Yes, it's much improved, including your combining the classmate with the police officer who tells the story. That makes for a much smoother beginning. The ending is better, too, as your intention in telling the story is more clear. I would still think about adding more detail to some of the later incidents to help explain to the reader questions that might pop into his mind while reading, such as "What was it that made the police suspect Sushant of the murder?" and "Why are the robbery victims willing to bribe the police to not press charges?" (You say it's because they themselves would get into trouble, but don't say exactly how, except for the first victim who planned the robbery of his own house.) I think you have the ability to add those details in an entertainig way that would not negatively impact the pace of the story. In fact, I think finding interesting/unusual reasons for the robbery victims to want to cover up the robberies would add a lot to the entertainment value of the story. If the story ends up being quite a bit longer, I wouldn't worry. I would let the story unfold naturally and not be in any hurry to bring it to a conclusion, as long as the passage to the conclusion is entertaining.
I see what you are doing with the indirectness thing and know that it's difficult. I've written a couple of stories myself where I purposely tried to be indirect so that the reader him/herself had to figure things out, hoping that in the end he/she would have that "Aha!" moment. It's very difficult to know how much to expect from the reader in these types of stories and how much the reader should expect from the writer. Best way is to let people read the story and get their feedback, which is why a forum like this can be so valuable.
The reason I kept it short is because of my self critical behaviour. While reading any story mostly I lose my attention from the story if the narration is slow. So I didn't want that to happen with my story.Thats way I edited almost have of the original story. I am glad you are expecting something more from me, which means the story fascinated you.
Sushant being caught is just pure coincidence because of the inefficency of the police department. Actually I edited that scene as well. It was supposed to be that police get misinformation about the murderer and end up in a wrong place and catch Sushant. Again police are too stubborn to admit their mistake and want to frame Sushant as the murderer.
The other two men involved in bribery and the man who had stolen the car originally, were also criminals who escaped punishment.
Actually the story was supposed to be an over the top comic short, which doesn't need a lot of logic to understand. But the climax changed it upside down and it ended as a black comedy instead of a satire. But this forum has really helped me a lot as this is my first short story.
I have to correct you on this part: Logic is always important. What's happening may be silly, but it still needs to make sense internally, and you need to communicate that sense to your readers.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gaurav Joshi
You got me wrong. What I wanted to say is that the story was supposed to be a hilarious one, but the climax made it grim.Quote:
Originally Posted by Calidore