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The hum drum beat
of boredom’s galley
never gets to ramming speed—
the hortator is comatose,
lulled from counting sheep.
We dip our oars
in the sluggish sea
where the doldrums seethe, repressed;
same back forward,
same front aft,
and the chains too tired to clink
settle into silence
as all drift.
One of those poems that need to be read aloud. I love the rhythm here, it fits so well.
Always good to read you, Hawkman, and your poem doth speak to me, especially "boredom's galley" on which I seem to be a slave—what'd you expect, on a Friday afternoon in the office with (guess what?) rain outside… read it normally and almost re-counted syllables because I had the impression of a bumpy rythm once or twice. Then I followed Mr Darnay's excellent advice and read it aloud (well, half-aloud as being in the office, surrounded by Gallic co-workers, etc.), and 'tis true that I haven't got anything else to say but: very well done.
The last 3 lines are very good on their own merit. One of your best.
Thanks for breaking the monotony with your excellent poem. I don't know whether it is the incessant rain or just me, it seems that life has got stuck somewhere. Nice read for such times.
CD: Thanks for reading, especially as your read it aloud. Hope you didn't scare anyone. ;) I wonder, can you read aloud without moving your lips :D glad you enjoyed it.
Dieter: thanks for your vote of confidence too :) Hope it's stopped raining in Paris, the weather here is actually rather nice. The sun finally has some warmth in it and the wind has dropped, so we are no longer fanned by polar air. Long may it continue.
cafolini: thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it.
Ripley: Well, it seems that this poem has struck a chord! I'm sorry to hear your only serenade is the back-beat of boredom. That won't do at all, though I sympathise with your feelings about incessant rain. Last year was one long deluge as far as I can recall. Delighted to learn that my poem brightened your day ;) anyway, thanks for reading and enjoying.
Live and be well - H
Being bored is almost a shameful concept to me- there's always so much to do! But I guess we all have been there where we can't seem to help it.
The poem made me think so strongly of this steady beat here that I just needed to post it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHVBtMxAMgQ
Lol! Somehow I don't think that qualifies as a relaxing sound, more a form of torture... That squeak goes right through me!
Live and be well - H
An excellent little poem, H. I think your use of imagery here is highly effective, and some of your turns of phrase are very enjoyable. The lines 'the hortator is comatose' and 'where the doldrums seethe, repressed' stand out with particular force.
Thank you, Loki, for reading and enjoying this piece. I'm delighted that you appreciate this little effort. Not got much time for writing at the moment, so it's nice to know one still has "it". :D
Live and be well - H
Your diction is excellent. I think "sluggish" is a prime example of an adjective that really fits the tone of the poem.
Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
Live and be well - H
Hi Hawk - Just thought I’d chip in my infrequent twopenneth…
The poem offers us an imaginative take on the idiom ‘being in the doldrums’. It brings to mind Paul Muldoon’s ‘Horse Latitudes’ (Faber, 2006) – another name for the doldrums, as I’m sure you’re aware, as ships caught there would seek to eject ballast overboard, including any unfortunate equines.
The title caught me out as ‘humdrum’ is usually spelt like that – ie. as one word. I presume it’s to allow for the pun on ‘drum beat’, but if so, why is it ‘hum’?
I feel the second line spells things out too obviously, and the personification is weak; cutting the line would benefit the poem in both ways. I’m not sure if the doldrums ‘seethe’ – surely the opposite? But I’m willing to bow to your nautical knowledge, expressed elsewhere in the poem (‘hortator’? – quick Google check on that one!).
My other observation is I think the lines are too short – longer, more ‘sluggish’ lines would be fitting; as others have mentioned, this piece is actually quite rhythmic and pacey, helped by the occasional half-rhymes (‘beat’-‘speed’-‘sheep’ [even ‘galley’]; ‘aft’-‘drift’…). Even the mention of ‘ramming’ suggests an urgency that feels out of place.
However, that said, perhaps the main thing to take from this poem about boredom is that as long as we have an active and creative imagination we should never be bored…
Hi b/v, nice to see you around. Thanks for reading. I hummed and ha'd over the splitting of the word: primarily I did it to slow the pace, but the hum works for me anyway. I agree the second line could be cut with no ill effect.
As for the pace and rhythm - I like it as it is. I think you just have to slow down your reading of the piece. Read aloud, slowly, deliberately, the rhythm works well.
As for the seething doldrums: I once heard boredom described as, "rage spread thin." (a quote from Paul Tillich) It's quite apposite, I think, though it is perhaps a little obscure.
Anyway, thanks again for reading and for your well considered two penneth, much appreciated :D
Live and be well - H
Nothing monotonous about this poem, despite the subject matter. Excellent writing.
Hi Haunted, and thanks for dropping in. :) Glad you like it.
Live and be well - H
Enjoyed drifting with you for a short while. You slowed the pace down for a bit with these rhythms. The ticking became more obvious. Excellent!
Very well done Hawk. I even yawned while reading it!
Sounds great as usual, but you've clearly been doing this a while. I've honestly liked a lot of your previous works more and there doesn't seem to be anything particularly special about this as others might suggest. I'm being as impartial as possible, but nothing about it is memorable. Your Kamikaze poem is still one of my faves and definitely memorable, IMO. I've also noticed that when people try to give you advice you typically brush it off. At least you're confident in yourself, and that, I can appreciate.
Silas: Thanks for reading and for noticing the tick ;) glad you enjoyed it.
Delta: I hope you didn't find the yawn too stimulating :D Always happy to provoke some kind of response though ;)
A09: No, it isn't particularly special, but it is coherent and executed with competence. The metaphor works, the rhythm is sound and the word choices are right. It's a poem about boredom, and what's memorable about that? I'm glad you find my work likeable, though you would appear to evidence a preference for my comic ballads - well, fair enough. The reason I'm confident is because I know what I'm doing (usually ;)) As you observed, I've been writing for a while...
Anyway, thanks again to all for reading and leaving comments.
Live and be well - H
It reminds me of the scene from some Biblical film, maybe Ben-Hur, with Charlton Heston's muscled arms (as opposed to his "cold, dead hands") manning an oar. (Fortunately, the AD reminded him to remove his wristwatch before shooting.)
Seriously, though, the rhythm matches the subject. I knew what "hortator" meant (same root word as "exhort"), but I'm sure you'll appreciate that I resisted the urge to make a risqué pun.
And for the record, you are one of the most gracious LitNutters we have. I've never known you to "brush off criticism." If anything, it's the opposite in that you are open to suggestions for improvement and I daresay grateful to receive them.
Hi Auntie. Ben Hur seems to be getting aired fairly frequently on the telly over here. In fact I think they showed it again just after I posted this. I must say, I do enjoy the scenes between the Late Great Jack Hawkins and no. 41. Nobody can say "Ramming Speed" like jack Hawkins :D
Here's a bit of trivia for you: MGM hired a naval architect who specialised in Roman Naval technology to design the galley. The crew took one look at the finished ship and said it was top heavy. Sure enough, when they put it in the water, a passing boat's wake upset the poorly trimmed craft and it rolled over. Eventually they had to securely anchor it in a pond which they had to dye blue.
When they wanted to film inside it the camera wouldn't fit so they cut the ship in half and moved it into an Italian sound stage. Unfortunately this was too small to accommodate the oars so they had to be cut short. This made them too light; each one had to be fitted with a door closing damper to make it look as though it had weight and to imitate the resistance of the water.
I think you are probably being too generous in your estimation of my graciousness :D
Anyway, thanks for reading and for your comments, which are always appreciated.
Live and be well - H
"Great" Jack Hawkins is right! Fascinating trivia about movie making-- no wonder the film makers went over-budget! Evidently so much so they couldn't afford a voice coach, because for the life of me I'll never figure out why so many Roman soldiers had British accents.
Well captured Hawk. Was it inspired by reading some of the postings on here of late?:beatdeadhorse5::beatdeadhorse5::beatdeadhors e5::beatdeadhorse5:
Hi Auntie, I'm afraid it's traditional in Hollywood to make Brits baddies and the Romans are the baddies in this film (except Jack Hawkins) Mind you, the Arab Sheik was a Welshman!
JB: Thanks for reading. In answer to your horse-flogging question - no, not really. :D
Live and be well - H
I, also, think the poem's theme would have more continuity, if your description of the doldrums was more succinct. What about,"Still, the doldrums linger, repressed". You are dipping your oars into the deep, cold sea, but the rippled doldrums do not consequentially move from your tireless efforts. They remain stagnant, un-moved by your desire to get to a better place. All set asides aside, your poem takes us on a great metaphorical voyage through life. Most peoples' lives are redundant, repetitive exercises. I enjoyed it very much.
I accidentally posted my review twice, so I have deleted one of the posts.
Repressed(?) lingering is not the same as repressed seething, the connotations are entirely different. Did you catch my exposition to b/v about the Paul Tillich quote? It helps put the words into context.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
Live and be well - H
Yes, but "seething doldrums" is a bit of an oxymoronic expression. If your life is in the doldrums, then their is no appreciable response to your actions. If the calm waters are seething, then you are making some headway with your monotonous, calibrated oar strokes. I think that the doldrums remaining apathetic to your lethargic rowing makes much more sense.
As for linger and repressed, the doldrums linger despite your rowing strokes. But, each, monotonous stroke does not spur a consequential countermovement from the slow, languid water. The oars press down into the slow moving current, but get no discernible response. Constant, oar strokes repress the unmovable, stagnant current, but do not effect the composition or state of the current as a whole. If you are figuratively in the doldrums, then your weak actions do not effect or alter the surrounding environment. Your muted attempts are repressed by circumstances larger than you. The size, depth of the doldrums allow them to easily absorb your inconsequential oar strokes.
You appear to be labouring an invalid point and missing mine. The Doldrums is an area where winds do not blow. Winds want to blow, if they can't blow then they aren't winds. Blowing is a wind's raison d'etre. Therefore the fact that they are not blowing frustrates them; hence they seethe because they are repressed. The sea is sluggish, but the sea is not the doldrums. The galley is in the doldrums which is an area where the winds do not blow...
Now please stop waffling.
Even more oxymoronic, Hawk. The wind exists or it does not exist. It has to be blowing to exist. Non-wind cannot seethe. You are saying that a repressed non-entity is seething. IMPOSSIBLE. You are better off, as I said before, utilizing the effects on the water in the doldrums. Your rowing movements are repressed by the slow currents. Your life is essentially in the doldrums when your lethargic mindset, activities are not proactively altering your course. The analogy is perfect if you express it properly.
Are you saying that a poet can't believe in imagined things? The wind laughs through the trees at your suggestion.Quote:
Originally Posted by virtuoso
The wind laughs because it is blows and makes a simulated sound (of laughter). You cannot personify a non-entity. Non-wind cannot have any feelings or attributes. Wind and blow are synonymous. One does not exist without the other. You have to use the personification attributes of the water. The water can be listless or it can be moving. Onto these properties you can apply personificating attributes.
I am pressing the point too far. You could maybe have a mythical, supernatural wind that is personified. The greek gods gave natural entities qualities, attributes that were outside the realm of reason and science. Bottom line, you have written a scintillating poem. One word will not take it down even a notch. I loved the whole concept of the redundancy of the doldrums. The doldrums are a state of existence, which resonates in the mind, and the physical sphere. You have brilliantly brought out these points.