It was a dark and stormy night...
Printable View
It was a dark and stormy night...
Suddenly, a shot rang out!Quote:
Originally Posted by Sancho
Somewhere a dog was barking.
Suddenly, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon.
A woman shrieked, a baby bawled, and a grown man whimpered.
And the maid dropped the casserole dish!
Meanwhile in Kansas, a cyclone was bearing down on Dorthy Gale's house.
Toto, affectionately known to Dorothy as The Texas Tornado, hightailed it to the storm cellar this time.
Captain Ahab looked around philosophically upon getting off his ship and murmured to himself:
"Now... What is the shortest route to Kansas?"
He was totally unaware that he was being watched, or that the large tank car on the train held Moby Dick
The engineer fiddled with some brass levers and tooted his steam whistle; then he leaned out his window and shouted, "Kansas bound A-Train, ALL ABOARD." And then to Ahab directly, "Call me Ishmael, you knob, and climb aboard."
Ahab looked around the train carriage. Doctor Watson and Sherlock Holmes were examining a letter in the corner. Opposite them and oblivious to their presence, a man in top hat and opera cape slid his finger along the edge of a thin sharp knife. "Will there be any women on this train?" wondered Jack the Ripper.
With an uncanny knack for knowing other men's minds, Sherlock said to him, "Tell him, Watson."
Watson squinted at the sleuth and then at the psychopath, and said, "You betcha by golly, J.T.R., but chicks on this train only dig guitar players." Then he whipped out a well-worn Martin D-28 and started flat pickin' a wicked-fast number. "Call me Doc, " he said.
Close, but I recall that he went by Tex and he said "remember the Alamo"Quote:
Originally Posted by Sancho
Look here...someone actually taped the scene...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhYl0EZhKg0
.
Observing all these goings-on with a detached interest from his spaceship centries away, Spock looked over his shoulder and asked: "How 'bout them apples, Captain?"Quote:
Originally Posted by Sancho
And with that, the ship of fools, or rather the trainload of maniacs, chugged off into the sunset. "Chugga-Chugga-Whoo-Whoo," said the little train, "I think I can. I think I can." But then the little train realized he was going to Kansas - a state with only two or three contour lines in the whole place - and so he just floored it.
"Not NOW, Spock! I have a date with a Terbarian Moon Princess I've....got. To.... get ready for! Set phasers to 'sexy'! Mr. Spock, you have the bridge!" With that, Captain Kirk strolled to the elevator, smoothed his perfect hair and struck an action pose as the doors close. "Chances of successful copulation are highly unlikely. Terbarians are all male." Spock quips, arching his eyebrow. The bridge erupted with howls laughter.
"Oh, yeah?" Kirk shot back. "How do they populate the species, budding? Trust me the one I know is..."
"A female impersonator." Spock said, arching an eyebrow.
Stung by the crew's laughter, Kirk stormed into the turbolift. "Transporter room"
When the car stopped and the door hissed open, Kirk stepped out into the train carriage as Jack the Ripper boarded the turbolift. "Bridge!" the psycho laughed...
But before the turbolift departed, Kirk leaned into Jack and said, "JTR, you would know this sort of thing. Is the Terbarian Moon Princess a female impersonator?"
Ripper smirked an evil smirk and said, "She's a dude, dude."
And as the lift whooshed away, Kirk thought, Ah well, at least I've got something to fall back on if this whole heterosexual thing doesn't work out for me.
Captain Kirk was now approached by Doctor Watson. "Blimey!" Watson said, all moon eyed. "Down the bloody lift, what? On a bleeding train?"
"Ignore him" Sherlock Holmes said. To Watson: "Been at the whiskey again, John? Eyes like pissholes in the snow" To Kirk: "You are after the female impersonator, I presume? Next car over."
Kirk headed for the door muttering. "Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound."
Funny thing is I began my first story with that line back when I was 13. I thought it was a masterpiece. Hahaha.
^pure art, eh Darcy? Welcome back. Jump on in anywhere. The more the merrier.
And then...
Watson said, "What'cha got in that pipe, Sherlock? I'm as sober as a tree stump." And then to Kirk, "Well, if you're gonna go mooning around with the princess, my advice is: put a helmet on your soldier."
Then he ripped into a new number:
http://youtu.be/4EJyvWjfePY
During a grand pause in the piece, Watson said, "Call me Arthel."
Kirk edged into the car containing the "Terbarian Moon Princess" A tawny skinned blonde with luscious lips was just removing "her" helmet. It was RuPaul
http://thebplot.files.wordpress.com/...pink_final.jpg
[story note: Bah-hahahahahah]
Later that day Kirk, looking somewhat disheveled, rejoined his traveling mates in their Pullman Car.
Spock, who had been deeply engaged in a discussion with Holmes over an apparent anomaly in Kepler's law of planetary motion, looked up and queried, "How was your date, Captain?"
Kirk, while buttoning his tunic, removing a long blond hair from his shoulder, and generally smoothing out his uniform, said, "You guys will not believe this."
"What is it, Captain?"
Kirk said (a little too smugly for Holmes' taste), "The women of Terbaria are fantastic. But that moon princess had a huge clitoris - must've been six inches long."
"That is, of course, a medical impossibility." Doctor Watson commented striking up minor chords on his guitar mournfully.
Spock remained stone faced but inside he was laughing wildly and pounding on a wall. "Captain forgot his glasses again!"
Sherlock Holmes looked around. "When did this pointy eared alien come into the car? I must have been observing telegraph poles and computing speed."
"Or on your seven per cent solution again." Doc Watson said in a stage whisper.
Kirk flipped on his communicator, which oddly looked like a modern cell phone. "Two to beam up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here!"
"Are ye daft, Captain? Beam up from where? Sensors show ye still on the ship below turbo shaft three." Scotty voice came back.
"Affirmative, Captain." Spock indicated the door which was swishing open to reveal Jack the Ripper. Spock and Kirk entered the turbolift, as Jack the Ripper exited, bloodstained.
"This whole environment is illogical, Captain." Spock intoned.
Kirk stared after the departing serial killer. "I hope he didn't get Yeoman Rand..."
Kirk then looked around the car and commented, “Hey, how come all you guys are standing with your backs to the wall?” He cocked his thumb towards Jack. “If it’s him you’re worried about – don’t – he only slashes women of a certain social status.”
Holmes said, “Quite right, old boy, but it’s not him we’re worried about. You see, based on recent events, we’ve made a certain deduction about your, hmm, how shall I say…”
Spock looked from Holmes to Kirk and said, “Fascinating. But I think what Holmes is trying to say, Captain, is, based on specific recent events, we’ve induced that, er, hmm…”
Watson said, “For this next number, I’ll use A-standard” He then plucked and tuned his G-string a couple of times. "How about a Show Tune, Cap'n?"
Over the communicator Scotty announced, “Prepare for Warp.”
Kirk grinned. "Show Tune? You think I'm a singer?"
"Not exactly, Captain" Holmes said dryly. "Frankly we find you a bit of a Nancy Boy. Friend of Oscar Wilde, what?"
Kirk frowned. "That had better not mean what I think it means, Pal!" He fumbled with his phaser's settings ominously.
The train car blinked and everyone was thrown to the floor. Then it was all normal again.
"Can't see the bloody telegraph poles but we must be flying." Holmes snorted.
"On his second shot of cocaine" Doc Watson whispered to Spock. "Reminds me of a song"
Scotty's voice drifted down. "Warp three, Captain!"
The door to car opposite the "Princess Car" opened and a man in ancient evening dress and an opera cape came in. "Goot efning" Said Count Dracula...
Strange things happen at Warp 3: Light bends. Time wrinkles. Matter dissolves.
Holmes’ pupils had shrunk to a pinpoint. He said, “Whoa! Trippy!”
Watson similarly had kaleidoscope eyes. He said, “You can take a trip and never leave the farm.”
Spock appeared normal, but commented, “Lunacy is not a logical lifestyle choice.”
Just then over the P.A., Ishmael made a station announcement: “STILLWATER, next stop, LUBBOCK” which caused a flock of black birds to fly off of a nearby fallout shelter, and drove Kirk into a soft-shoe routine; he began humming to himself, “Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plains.”
Meanwhile, Ahab and the Count sat in the corner, drinking Whiskey and Rye, and agreeing with each other that this’ll be the day that they die.
Edit note: It just occurred to me, in trying to lend some coherence to an incoherent narrative, the train would need to stop in Lubbock (home of Buddy Holley) after stopping in Stillwater, Oklahoma and still be more-or-less heading for Kansas.
And as they were all there in one place, on a train bound for nowhere and lost in space, they all got up to dance. Unfortunately, they never got the chance. The train screeched into Stillwater and jerked to a stop. Ishmael called "Any one for Stillwater, come on down!" Scotty's voice also came over the intercom. "We hae arrived at Terbaria, Captain. Send the Princess up tae the transportor."
RuPaul minced into the car and over to the turbolift. He/she smiled at Captain Kirk. "At least we have our memories of the train ride."
Kirk turned to Ahab. "Pass the paper bag that holds the bottle. I need a drink!"
The train roared off faster than ever, almost causing weightlessness inside the car. Doc Watson struck up "Dust in the Wind" and Holmes played his violin in accompaniment.
The Count withdrew a deck of cards from inside his cape. "Poker, geentlemen?"
Wisely, nobody disembarked at Stillwater, and only 25 sacks of mail were loaded. As the train they call The Big Easy* pulled out of the station, with Ismael and Scotty guiding it past houses, farms, and fields (and distant galaxies), all of the merry band of pranksters began arranging themselves around the poker table. The Count sat with his back to the wall, next to him sat Ahab, then Watson who had reintroduced his guitar to its gig bag, then Kirk and Rupaul sat together - ever so close, and finally Holmes completed the circle with his fiddle still tucked under his arm.
The Count idly shuffled the deck a couple of times and then slid it across the table to Watson. "Es ist der dealer's choice." He said.
Doc extracted three cards from the deck, seemingly at random, showed them to everybody, and placed them face down on the table in front of him. Everybody watched with rapt attention as Doc explained the game:
"Now three-card Monti is a gamblin' game
Two black aces and a pretty red queen
Keep your eye on the lady and lay your money down
Watch the fastest hands you ever seen"
Ru' perked up and commented, " Oouu, I like that red card!" She then looped her arm through Kirk's and pulled him closer. "Oh baby, you're making me hotter'n a pepper sprout."
Kirk flashed a s**t-eating grin around the table and then looked deep into her eyes, "Gimme some sugar, my little Rupee-Shwoopee." And he puckered up his best kissy face.
*Buenos días, L'merica, ¿Cómo estás?
I like Arlo's version
The turbolift door swished open at that moment, startling them all. Captain James T Kirk stood there with two armed security officers with drawn phasers.
Everyone looked at the Kirk at the table with RuPaul. Then they looked at the Captain and the security officers. Even Spock appeared startled.
"All right you stinking shapeshifter! I just got back on a shuttle from Starfleet Headquarters and learned about your little impersonations! Take him, er, that is them, away. Put them in the brig or shoot them out the photo torpedo tubes, I don't care which!"
The security team lead away the false Kirk and RuPaul, who were wailing that this was prejudice. The lift swished shut and departed. Captain James T Kirk walked to the table.
Sherlock Holmes took in all the drama of Captain Kirk and False Kirk and then sniffed his pipe. "What have I been smoking here?"
"It's called leaf" Bulbo Baggins said as he appeared out of nowhere.
The others looked at the whiskey bottle on the table.
"Never mind what he's smoking, what kind o' rum is this in this bottle!" Ahab growled
Doc Watson sniffed the bottle. "Formaldehyde. Reminds me of Afghanistan. We'd drink anything there, too. I'm cold. Dracula sucks all the warmth out of the car." Doc Watson pulled on a black leather jacket. "What? it's on loan from James Dean."
Dracula read a book on Marx, Kirk and Spock argued about trust and Central Park, and Jack the Ripper dreamed in the dark on this wild train ride...
As Rupee-Shwoopee and the Kirk-like entity sashayed into the sunset, Watson thought he heard Fake Kirk proclaim, "Let me be your salty dog, or I won't be your man at all. Honey, let me be your salty dog." Which was enough for him to rescue the Martin from its gig bag. He didn't really have anything else pressing at the moment - he'd already transferred most of the monetary assets of the poker players from their wallets to his.
"Gentlemen, I'm gonna use D standard for this next piece." He twisted a couple of the pegs on the headstock and listened intently while he tuned. Once he was satisfied, he commented, "You know, I'm not so upset to see those two go."
There was a murmur of agreement in the car.
"Standin' on the corner with the low-down blues
A great big hole in the bottom of my shoe
Honey let me be your Salty Dog"*
Spock stomped his feet in time and hollered, "Yeeehaw!" Then he abruptly simmered down and, somewhat self consciously, began inspecting his fingernails.
Watson chuckled, "Yeah, go-man-go, shuffle them cards, Spock."
Baggins nodded towards Holmes, "Hey, man, don't Bogart the pipe."
Suddenly the whole train shuddered, shook in fact...
*Hey! This story has footnotes! Just like David Foster Wallace's stories do! And exclamation points! Just like Friedrich Nietzsche used to use! Well, okay, it has footnotes and exclamation points, anyway. Musical credit: http://youtu.be/t4-XuhXonxM
it felt like it had gone off the rails. Everyone started shouting at once, giving conflicting and often ridiculous explanations for the problem:
Holmes leaped to his feet: "Watson! The game is afoot! Moriarty is trying to blow up the train!"
Watson cocked an eye at Holmes: "Don't think so, Sherry. Someone just turned up the bass woofers, what? Dashed good music."
Jack the Ripper cowered under a seat. "Judgement! God himself has come to punish me for my wickedness! Mea culpa, Misericors Deus ignoscat!"
Bilbo Baggins vanished in a flash "Tis Sauron come after my ring! Where the hell is Gandalf when you need him!?"
Captain Ahab produced a great harpoon from somewhere. "Tis Moby Dick, the Great White Whale!"
Captain Kirk produced his comunicator: "Klingons! Scotty arm all photon torpedoes! Ready phaser banks!"
Spock interrupted:"Belay that order, Scotty. It is not logical that the Klingons are in this sector, far less likely on this strange conveyance."
Scotty yelled back at them. "I'm kind o' busy right now with this pickup at Deep Space Nine! Admiral Decker's coming aboard. No, stay there Captain, Mr. Spock, the Admiral says he must rest and that he'll be down later."
Dracula laughed. "Creatures of the night! What music they make!"
At that moment, Ismael came on the loudspeaker. :Lubbock! Anyone off at Lubbock? Coming aboard, Sir?"
The cloaked and slouch-hatted figure on the platform gave an eerie laugh. "I am. I know what evil lurks in the hearts on men."
"Try Jack the Ripper." Ismael said, indicating the second pullman. The Shadow swished his cape and vanished, as he had the power to cloud men's minds so that they could not see him.
"Shouldn't have rolled my cigarette with the stuff that Hobbit gave me." Ismael muttered as he set in motion the train once more.
Doc Watson began to sing softly.
"Well I can hear that train a-coming
It's rolling around the bend
And I ain't seen the sunlight
Since I don't know when
I'm stuck in Folsom Prison..."
Footnote: Folsom Prison Blues, written and recorded by Johnny Cash
And, I realized the darkness is in my despair and the storm is in strength.
Mercy sakes alive!
Just then eleven long-haired friends of Jesus rolled up in a chartreuse micro-bus.
And Holmes said to the Count, "What a long, strange trip it's been, eh, Drac'?"
"Not at all, Sherlock." Dracula replied. "Others are coming soon. My brothers from Universal, those that walk in darkness, ancient evils and man made monsters!"
Suddenly The Shadow appeared beside them, laughing like a madman. "And I promise you that I will bury them beside you!"
Ismael came over the loudspeaker: "I'm going to try to put that microbus in behind that suicide jockey. We're hauling dynamite and need all the help we can get!"
Our carriage full of assorted kooks shook their heads in disbelief, that is except for Bilbo Baggins and The Shadow who had vanished again.
Holmes steepled his hands in front of his face. "I deduce, Count, that your, ah, "friends" are in the next car behind us."
Doc Watson strummed a few chords and whispered, "Mercy sakes alive, looks like we've got ourselves a convoy!"
And so the train and indeed the entire convoy gained speed as it left the Lubbock rail yard. Ismael was manning the brakes while Scotty watched the needle climb into the red. "'Smael," he said, "she can't take much more o' this. The main boiler, she'll blow, sure as I'm eatin' a bucket o' haggis!"
Ismael smiled as the needle settled back down into the green band. The train had begun a steep decent off of the table-top flat plains of the Llano Estacado, gaining more speed, and entering tight right-hand turn. He looked ahead, squinting into the setting sun, and immediately raised the alarm. "Scotty! My God! Ahead! Look ahead, man!" Mr. Scott dove for the brake handle, "The brakes, lad, pull the brakes."
But Scott's quick thinking wasn't quick enough. The front locomotive crashed at full speed into a burning barricade that had been erected on the tracks. The first two cars pancaked, the next four cars accordioned, the rest of the train cars were tossed clear of the wreckage, scattering across the desert floor like the toys of a spoiled child. During the mayhem, in what can only be described as an odd sight to see, the tank carrying the white whale burst, sending the leviathan barrel-rolling across the West Texas landscape, going to ground, achieving flight, going to ground again, pectoral fins flailing unnaturally, kicking up great geysers of red sand.
The survivors of the crash soon gathered around the whale and attempted to console Ahab, who was visibly distraught watching his life's purpose suffer and die in the moonlight; its blow hole trying to expel a foamy mixture of sand, water, and blood; its thin lower jaw futilely hinging back and forth, the beast gasping for air.
Watson said, "Don't look now, fellas, but we got company."
And sure enough, lined up along the edge of the caprock, looking down on the train wreck, still as statues, gloriously lit by a harvest moon and resplendent in their war-making togs, were two dozen Comanche Warriors. Our merry band of pranksters didn't need to wait long to know their intentions. The braves spurred their ponies forward and began streaming down from the high mesa. Upon gaining the flat ground, the warriors yipped and shouted, slapping their mounts on the hindquarters with an open palm encouraging the animals to a full gallop. The band settled onto a loose Vee formation and quickly bore down our group of various literary and television characters, a sleuth, a vampire, a psychopathic killer, a space alien, a Hobbit, a flat-picker, some hippies, a graphic novel aberration, and a dying albino sperm whale.
Spock leaned over to Watson and said, "Now'd be a good time for tune, Doc - something soothing."
*I was having trouble deciding what new characters to add to our story, so I went for a run, which gave me time to think about it. Around about mile four, I settled on the only logical choice: a band of Comanche Warriors.
Captain James T Kirk whipped out his phaser. Spock unfortunately had forgotten his.
Holmes shouted at Watson "Your trusty revolver! Now!"
Watson snorted. "I don't carry it when I'm on a gig. Left it at 221b."
Jack the Ripper had a long, thin knife in both hands. He laughed. His laugh was echoed by a figure in a black cloak and hat who suddenly appeared with two .45 automatics. The Shadow had returned.
Bilbo Baggins also reappeared with a short sword. "Taste Sting you savages!"
Ahab had his harpoon, but unfortunately chased after Moby Dick. An arrow in his forearm made him spin around. The harpoon was thrown so hard it took out three warriors at once. "Damn! I be missing Quequay right about now!"
Dracula, meanwhile, was covering under the shade of an overturned car. "Don't vorry, they cannot harm me. But the sunlight ist a different story. So sorry."
Ismael came out from the engine with a marlin model 1890 .30-30 lever action rifle firing rapidly.
Scotty's voice came from somewhere "Captain! We have a collision w' a asteroid field. Cannae say how long frae repairs."
A wrinkled Pullman burst open. Three figures emerged. There was a giant Frankenstein Monster, a huge, shuffling mummy, and a man in ripped clothes who ran to cower next to Drac. "No moon, no werewolf." He gasped "Hope the Lone Ranger doesn't show up. I could be hit with a ricocheting silver bullet."
11 long haired hippes stood beside the tracks holding hands and singing:
"Come on people now! Smile on your brother!
Everybody get together right now!" *
"Great." Ismael moaned. "We would have to get the non-violent type of hippy!"
And in far off Kansas, the cyclone was edging ever closer to Dorothy's house...
* the Youngbloods - Get Together.
The battle raged. The Comanche war party seemed to thrive on motion, circling the Merry Band of Pranksters, who had fallen into a static defensive position in and around the whale carcass.
"We're in a tight spot, boys." Declared Kirk.
Then, in a bizarre turn of events, a quick-response team from the LAPD showed up. But they reacted poorly to the situation, firing on and killing a little old lady from Pasadena in a souped-up drop-top '69 Pontiac GTO. At which point the officers left the scene to answer questions at the CNN news-feed tent.
Kirk called after the retreating policemen, "Comanches, you idiots, not Pontiacs."
For their part, the Comanches displayed stupendous horsemanship. Most of braves could ride at full gallop and simultaneously unleash, on average, twenty arrows per minute. One of the Comanche warriors had and old Winchester lever-action rifle, which he was firing one-handed while riding at full speed. He was slid over the side of his horse using it for cover, riding with one leg looped over the animal's back and the other clamped beneath its belly. His left arm hugged the horse's neck gripping the mane while he fired his weapon with his free hand below the horse's neck.
Holmes hunkered down with the hippies in a low spot by the whale's tail and commented, "Man! I sure picked the wrong day to quit eating opium." Eleven long-haired friends of Jesus nodded in agreement.
Meanwhile, back in Kanas, the wind was starting to get serious about blowing. Dirt was leaving the ground just as shingles were leaving the roof of Dorothy's house. The grain silo leaned precariously and the family's windmill decided it'd had enough and took off downwind at roughly forty knots.
*Empire of the Summer Moon, by S.C. Gwynn is a Sancho-approved book about the rise and fall of Comanche nation.
http://i971.photobucket.com/albums/a...psdf74770a.jpg
"We need to regroup or we're dead meat." Kirk said. "We should be able to win, we have superior firepower."
Spock spoke up. "You do realize, Captain, that History shows the Comanche Nation was never defeated. The army then gave them blankets with smallpox and cholera germs. They lost much of the tribe to these diseases. Quanah Parker then surrendered, but the Comanche were not defeated on the field of battle." *
Jack the Ripper was fighting skillfully with both blades. "The army gave them illnesses on purpose? And they thought I was a monster."
Watson had joined Holmes and the hippies. He strummed his guitar as they all sang: "All we are saying is give peace a chance." **
The power of the undying monster created by Frankenstein and the long dead giant mummy was turning the tide, but only slightly.
Count Dracula cursed. "Damnit! Eef darkness vould only come! Then you and I Volfie vould show them."
The Shadow and Bilbo were at the front of things. The Shadow went through all four of the .45's he habitually carried. He then disappeared to reload. Bilbo glanced around finding himself surrounded. "By Elbereth and Lothien the Fair!" he swore vanishing himself.
No one noticed that behind them the train was putting itself back together on the track, or that the track was now clear of debris. So intent were the eleven long haired friends of Jesus, accompanied by Doc Watson and Sherlock Holmes, now playing violin, that they didn't even notice when Moby Dick vanished as his tank car replaced itself on the tracks.
Ishmael was now talking on a radio. "How much longer, Scotty?"
"Ah, laddie, gae us ten minutes."
Ishmael looked over at the battle. Ahab now had three arrows in the left arm, Kirk was bleeding from a head gash, and as Ismael watched The Shadow took a shaft in the leg.
"We might not have ten minutes! We need power, now!"
Meanwhile near Coffeyville, Kansas, Uncle Henry and Aunt Em raced to the storm cellar. "Dorothy!" They screamed. Dorothy hugged Toto to her chest. "I have a bad feeling about this"... ***
* Info taken from Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee.
** John Lennon - Give Peace A Chance
*** Couldn't resist this often reoccurring line from the Star Wars movies!