Cafe scene , sometime.

An android in the rain with cloudy eyes
serves me olives.
I read of recent deaths
on the table top display.
Spots burns holes in my jacket.
Neon lights wash back and forth
puddled by your feet.
You hold my flaccid hand
like a child with a fever,
blowing smoke straight through
a Chinese scented steam.

We could catch the spacetrain out of here.
Or watch the A67 spacejunk eclispe the moon.
I feed you noodles like electric veins.
I think I see mummy in the crowd
being frogmarched by.
It's a facsimilie.
Like this evening's sponsored rainbow
in our senseless spinning sky.

Wow, dinner with you sounds like a rather freighted affair. Very Lucy in the sky with diamonds-ish. I think I feel a touch of food poisoning coming on with that last stanza. So, effective, yes. :D

Restaurant at the end of the universe? What can I say - not your best but your brilliance lurks somewhere, sometime behind it.

I found the first two lines with the slant rhyme of sorts, somewhat amateurish...

Yet the last two lines were quite brilliant. The imagery enclosed there, is fantastic.

An extremely creative piece and a great read, Jer, full of surprises, like "I feed you noodles like electric veins". I suppose the cafe gets a glowing review, as does the poem, from this reader. Do they serve screwdrivers there?

Enjoyed very much.

So "Blade Runner"... in a good way.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

THank you Comenteers. I enjoyed writing this one. Tailor, good catch, it was on the tv as I wrote it. My new years resolution is to stop writing mediocre poetry, so I am off. If I post again please tell me to f*ck off.

oh and BTW islandclimber its supposed to sound amateurish. I dont get paid or anything. I slipped up on the closing lines. I thought it was pay day. :)

and I nearly forgot, screwdrivers are two for one, for one night only. x

I liked this very much and am kicking my *** for not seeing it sooner than Tailor, because the first thing that came to mind was Deckard and Rachael at an Off-world cafe. I've got no complaints; the imagery was very imaginative.

I don't think it means anything at all, but, man, is the language ever expressive! Parts are deriviative, such as the Blade Runner reference and the "facsimile" line reminds me of The Matrix. Closing lines are brilliant, as also previously reported. Oh, maybe you'll want to fix the typo in "eclipse." Reversed letters-- you must've typed it fast.

PS Which are the "mediocre" ones? You must've gotten your own work mixed up with that of somebody else. Because your stuff is unique, and you can't be unique and mediocre at the same time.

It reminded me of Neuromancer - but i can see Blade Runner and The Matrix in there. It's probably because i read that more recently. It's good so f**k off with your " tell me to f**k off if I post again".

I loved this. Haunted, "I feed you noodles like electric veins" is also my favourite line. The "sponsored rainbow" is a great concept, too. Dystopia is insinuated, one consisting only of holograms and virtual this and that and true lies. The rhyme in lines 5 and 8 of S2 is also very effective.

Thanks for sharing, Jerry.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Paulclem

It's good so f**k off with your " tell me to f**k off if I post again".

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This. ^^

I reply only to bump this. That would be an honest post. Some bugger who hasnt read this may read this and think its f ucking marvelous. haha. happy new year.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy

oh and BTW islandclimber its supposed to sound amateurish. I dont get paid or anything. I slipped up on the closing lines. I thought it was pay day. :)

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Jerry, I actually quite like this piece. I think "amateurish" was the wrong word to use there. The slant rhyme to start just seemed out of place, the language in that couplet of sorts, too... I cannot think of word for this... It just seemed poor when placed aside the rest of the work.

I like this new beginning much better. The abruptness of it intrigues. Still the strength of this poem lies in the last stanza.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy

THank you Comenteers. I enjoyed writing this one. Tailor, good catch, it was on the tv as I wrote it. My new years resolution is to stop writing mediocre poetry, so I am off. If I post again please tell me to f*ck off.

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Call it mediocre all you want, we just have to rewrite the definition of that word. Don't go anywhere, I'm looking forward to the next smashing "mediocre" JerryB poem!!

It's awesome, I loved the "I feed you noodles like electric veins" much :D