Under a Christmas Tree...

Every day
Jesus is being crucified
On the cross of our silence
And he won't resurrect again
For he couldn't hold our sins anymore.
Sleep tight my world
Embrace your teddy bear and drink your wine
But some children have no garlands but bombs
No light kits but the darkness of their fear.
Some children have no coffins
Not a grave stone to lay their head on.
Hallelujah...
Sing my world
But Jesus's star has fallen from your christmas tree
His grotto is so cold and no one is there
Bells are ringing in the emptiness and no one could hear.
Sleep tight my world
Under your christmas tree
And dream of yourself
Holding the cosmos between your hands
Untill Jesus shakes you to wake up
And stop dreaming
Under his christmas tree.

This is full of good intentions, but inherently bland with absolutely no sense of pace or rhythm. The notion of suffering or dying children is powerful, but in a nauseating rather than sensitizing way. Aposiopetics and exclamation marks galore destroy whatever value individual lines might have. The idea that religion will shake anyone "awake", when it is in fact the perpetrator of most crimes against humanity, is laughable to say the least.

QUOTE=DocHeart;1194473]This is full of good intentions, but inherently bland with absolutely no sense of pace or rhythm.

Yeh , you're right . I just wrote it in five mnts and published it. If I tried more I could have created sth much better.

The notion of suffering or dying children is powerful, but in a nauseating rather than sensitizing way.


Forgive me plz , for I don't know how to make you sympathize not nauseate!!

Aposiopetics and exclamation marks galore destroy whatever value individual lines might have.

Thx for this remark , I'll think of it.

The idea that religion will shake anyone "awake", when it is in fact the perpetrator of most crimes against humanity, is laughable to say the least.

This is your personal opinion and you're free with it.

ok, you're right about the exclamation marks.
What about the punctuation marks ? Shouldn't we be grammatically correct and use the punctuation marks ?

Admirable sentiments, up to a point - but holding up Jesus as some super-hero who died for our sins and will return to save us all isn't going to help any of the children you're writing about.

H

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hillwalker

Admirable sentiments, up to a point - but holding up Jesus as some super-hero who died for our sins and will return to save us all isn't going to help any of the children you're writing about.

H

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thx cz you didn't nuseate as Docheart did .'
at the beginning "i said Jesus won't reurrect again, for he coulldnt hold our sins anymore "
this is not he who could save us, he only shakes us to wake up
We should take our reponsibilities as human beings.
I think even God gets fed with us .

Nice to meet you! I think even God gets fed with us - caddy-caddy, if this is what you think, did you ask yourself if it wasn't "a bit of a mistake" to have formed such violent creatures, liable to abolish God's big project of goodness? or, what if, God forbid! that exactly was in that project (violence...)! Well, but, like Hill, I value your noble intentions!
What is the meaning of "cz"?

because

I'd urge you to focus attention on your poetry rather than your message. I respect the fact they may feel intertwined but it can be a useful exercise to separate the two. I'm of the opinion you have a neat idea which needs re-visiting.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bar22do

Nice to meet you! I think even God gets fed with us - caddy-caddy, if this is what you think, did you ask yourself if it wasn't "a bit of a mistake" to have formed such violent creatures, liable to abolish God's big project of goodness? or, what if, God forbid! that exactly was in that project (violence...)! Well, but, like Hill, I value your noble intentions!
What is the meaning of "cz"?

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[QUOTE=Bar22do;1194773]Nice to meet you! [COLOR="#000080"]I think even God gets fed with us - caddy-caddy, if this is what you think, did you ask yourself if it wasn't "a bit of a mistake" to have formed such violent creatures,




uptill now He 's still waiting, giving us sometime. But the day will come when He says" time is over my dear creatures" and He'll turn all this world over our heads. For sure He'll get fed with us one day , otherwise He would have allowed us to live here forever. It's just a matter of time. And what seems to us " thousands of years of life" , to God are just a glimpse of a moment. He's not too much patient as we think.

God allowed violence to survive. Animals are allowed to kill each other to survive. And we're allowed to use violence against animals and nature to survive. We kill millions of animals everyday to eat. What what we call civilization is all violence against nature. But the difference between us and the animals is that a lion kills one another animal if he is really hungry and not more than he needs although he has the power to do so; Man does not use violence to satisfy his needs only ;He uses violence to assert his power over others. Power is his aim not needs . This is man's greed and lust for power .

Any how forget about Him and let's do our duties as human beings . I think even those who don't like the idea of God uses Him as an excuse and to put the blame on Him in everything.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pete Ak

I'd urge you to focus attention on your poetry rather than your message. I respect the fact they may feel intertwined but it can be a useful exercise to separate the two. I'm of the opinion you have a neat idea which needs re-visiting.

---

Honestly ,I don't like didactic literature and didn't want it to be so. But they cornered me and I was obliged to answer.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by caddy_caddy

Every day
Jesus is being crucified
On the cross of our silence
And he won't resurrect again
For he couldn't hold our sins anymore.
Sleep tight my world
Embrace your teddy bear and drink your wine
But some children have no garlands but bombs
No light kits but the darkness of their fear.
Some children have no coffins
Not a grave stone to lay their head on.
Hallelujah...
Sing my world
But Jesus's star has fallen from your christmas tree
His grotto is so cold and no one is there
Bells are ringing in the emptiness and no one could hear.
Sleep tight my world
Under your christmas tree
And dream of yourself
Holding the cosmos between your hands
Untill Jesus shakes you to wake up
And stop dreaming
Under his christmas tree.

---

A very spontaneous free verse rising from the depths of a heart which believes in humanity. Emotions are expressed strongly and without any artificiality which tend to add to the poem's beauty. The poem's message is rather like a moral for the soulful hearts in that they cannot stand cruelty to innocent children and grown ups by indiscriminate killing for a cause, or any cause. If many won't hear the message of the poem Jesus surely would and ,perhaps, rise from his ábode'' against the tyrants who kill children,,,,,,without remorse.

Since this is a free verse there is least to comment about its style, rhythm or rhyme....or even punctuations. Thanks to Ogden Nash for allowing this liberty to bards!

Good work, caddy, more power to you!!

This presents some heartfelt ax-grinding which is a bit heavy-handed. Though I appreciate the attempt to frame the topic in some kind of poetic form (judicious repetition can be an effective device at time), the piece is rather prose-y.

Most importantly, this same topic has been already done before, and done beautifully by Lawrence Ferlinghetti, which you should read right this minute:

http://holytrinitynewrochelle.org/Ch...mbed_Down.html

Quote:

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ok, you're right about the exclamation marks.
What about the punctuation marks ? Shouldn't we be grammatically correct and use the punctuation marks ?

---

Exclamation points are the garlic of grammar. Using too much of them defeats the purpose.
Please refer to this after you read the Ferlinghetti poem:

Down and Dirty Guide to Punctuation:

http://www.online-literature.com/for...de+Punctuation

I don't visit here as often as perhaps I should.
Your title drew me in and I'm glad I stopped by.
Made me take pause for a moment, particularly this:

"...Embrace your teddy bear and drink your wine
But some children have no garlands but bombs
No light kits but the darkness of their fear..."

Thanks

I think this poem will sound very good if turned into a creative non-fiction. Just too prosy--sounding almost like a Christmas sermon--to be a poem.


"Every day Jesus is being crucified on the cross of our silence and he won't resurrect again for he couldn't hold our sins anymore."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AuntShecky

This presents some heartfelt ax-grinding which is a bit heavy-handed. Though I appreciate the attempt to frame the topic in some kind of poetic form (judicious repetition can be an effective device at time), the piece is rather prose-y.

Most importantly, this same topic has been already done before, and done beautifully by Lawrence Ferlinghetti, which you should read right this minute:

http://holytrinitynewrochelle.org/Ch...mbed_Down.html



Exclamation points are the garlic of grammar. Using too much of them defeats the purpose.
Please refer to this after you read the Ferlinghetti poem:

Down and Dirty Guide to Punctuation:

http://www.online-literature.com/for...de+Punctuation

---

Free verse is almost like nice prose....many poets write pretty well in that style becaue it truly and faithfully expresses the feelings of a heart without much brain storming on the mechanical issue related to poetry construction.
Punctuations is done away by many poets.....as I think it is no more an imperative for good poesy writing or style.. Exclamation marks may sound like drone attacks but a bard sometimes feels like exclaiming when others don't.
I like the Caddy's poem for being extempore and thematic, free from strings or superficial wording.

Auntie, should it be a semi-colon before "and"?


The following crew members were on the bridge: James T. Kirk, captain of the
Enterprise; Mr. Spock, first science officer; Mr. Sulu, helmsman; Mr. Scott,
engineer; and Dr. McCoy, chief medical officer.

http://www.sdc.uwo.ca/writing/handou...Semi-colon.pdf

Let's not talk about religion
Let's not talk about blood shed
Let's not talk about killing innocent people
Let's not go mad and lose control of our senses
Let's commit to restraint
Let's not do what tyrants have done before
Let's not say religion is all blood shed
Let's not presume things
Religion or no religion
Killing is a heinous act
But killing of innocent children
men and women
Is worse...
Worse than blasphemy
as bad as Holocaust
Let the strong understand
where do senses stand
Force by no means is good
it has never been good
Killing a hundred to catch one criminal
and assigning it to religion
Is unfair.....
Let religion be or not be
All of us are humans
Let love and humanity prevail

I think your passion resonates throughout and it is that which speaks louder than anything Caddy. How we take that passion and improve on free verse without putting bars on what we feel is the challenge.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mazHur

A very spontaneous free verse rising from the depths of a heart which believes in humanity. Emotions are expressed strongly and without any artificiality which tend to add to the poem's beauty. The poem's message is rather like a moral for the soulful hearts in that they cannot stand cruelty to innocent children and grown ups by indiscriminate killing for a cause, or any cause. If many won't hear the message of the poem Jesus surely would and ,perhaps, rise from his ábode'' against the tyrants who kill children,,,,,,without remorse.

Since this is a free verse there is least to comment about its style, rhythm or rhyme....or even punctuations. Thanks to Ogden Nash for allowing this liberty to bards!

Good work, caddy, more power to you!!

---

Thx Mazhur .

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AuntShecky

This presents some heartfelt ax-grinding which is a bit heavy-handed. Though I appreciate the attempt to frame the topic in some kind of poetic form (judicious repetition can be an effective device at time), the piece is rather prose-y.

Most importantly, this same topic has been already done before, and done beautifully by Lawrence Ferlinghetti, which you should read right this minute:

http://holytrinitynewrochelle.org/Ch...mbed_Down.html



Exclamation points are the garlic of grammar. Using too much of them defeats the purpose.
Please refer to this after you read the Ferlinghetti poem:

Down and Dirty Guide to Punctuation:

http://www.online-literature.com/for...de+Punctuation

---

Do u mean I took the topic from that poet ?
I assure u I've never heard of that poet in my life and never came across that poem.
Anyhow I enjoyed reading it .At least someone shares with me the same attitude.


I agree with u it's not highly poetic .

Here is somebody that knows how to write, it's obvious, but yet the poem somehow doesn't work.

And anyway nobody knows when Christ was born. Christmas used to be a pagan holiday, before the Christians decided that people were having too much fun, and we all had to get on our knees before this child of "immaculate conception" who claimed to be the son of some god.

I like the idea of you talking about all the suffering in the world, there sure is a lot of it!

Anyway, I defend your right (or what should be you're right) to write poetry about whatever you want – and to post it too! Even if it doesn't really appeal to me.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by caddy_caddy

Do u mean I took the topic from that poet ?

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Good Heavens, not at all. I just wanted to know about the "pre-existing" brilliant poem on the very same topic you chose. That's why aspiring poets have to read much more than they
write.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Delta40

I think your passion resonates throughout and it is that which speaks louder than anything Caddy. How we take that passion and improve on free verse without putting bars on what we feel is the challenge.

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Really ?! I think I've become so dumb and cold . I used to be so passionate but not anymore. I'm flattered u said " ur passion " :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by WolfLarsen

Here is somebody that knows how to write, it's obvious, but yet the poem somehow doesn't work.

And anyway nobody knows when Christ was born. Christmas used to be a pagan holiday, before the Christians decided that people were having too much fun, and we all had to get on our knees before this child of "immaculate conception" who claimed to be the son of some god.

I like the idea of you talking about all the suffering in the world, there sure is a lot of it!

Anyway, I defend your right (or what should be you're right) to write poetry about whatever you want – and to post it too! Even if it doesn't really appeal to me.

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It was just a shout in the face of the world. I wanted to shout and it made me feel good. That's all what matters to me.
U know when I read ur posts I said to myself , work on it and improve it , u can do much better . Then I remembered that the world is dead . It won't make any difference if it 's a poetry or prose , well done or bad.

The other thing is that this is not my "mother tongue " . I prefer that term than ur native language because it has an emotional connotations .
The difference between writing in your mother tongue and writing in another language is like the difference between making sex and making love.
Language is a wild female ; it might give you her body but doesn't give her secrets , her soul, her real passion to someone who doesn't feel an intimacy with.
I and English are two strangers. There is no intimacy between us . I know she 's not mine and she doesn't want me.
That's why I don't try hard with her. That would become " raping the language " and I don't like to take things by force.;)
Your mother tongue gives you her secrets and passion willingly.
In another thread about language I said that " I think in Arabic and write in English " I can add to it I feel in Arabic too.
I can't feel in English and think in English because this is not who I am.
Writing in English is simply a matter of freedom. I wans't able to express my feelings in Arabic because using the name JESUS is itself a red line. Once I wrote a poem in Arabic using Jesus and Juda" symbolicaly" and published it but they deleted it for me. Believe it ; When an Arab writes in English , he just does it to be able to cross the red lines and taboos. Subconsciously we do it my dears.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by caddy_caddy

It was just a shout in the face of the world. I wanted to shout and it made me feel good. That's all what matters to me.
The difference between writing in your mother tongue and writing in another language is like the difference between making sex and making love.
Language is a wild female ; it might give you her body but doesn't give her secrets , her soul, her real passion to someone who doesn't feel an intimacy with.
I and English are two strangers. There is no intimacy between us . I know she 's not mine and she doesn't want me.

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How can you say you feel no passion when you write stuff like this ^^ ?? I've never seen the dichotomy of sharing two languages and cultures expressed so clearly before.

H

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hillwalker

How can you say you feel no passion when you write stuff like this ^^ ?? I've never seen the dichotomy of sharing two languages and cultures expressed so clearly before.

H

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Is this passion ?
I can understand , u don't know what is " the Arabian Passion ".

Anger and frustration at being forced to use an alien language to express more freely what you are and what you feel?

We're listening.

H

Quote:

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Originally Posted by caddy_caddy

Every day
Jesus is being crucified
On the cross of our silence
And he won't resurrect again
For he couldn't hold our sins anymore.
Sleep tight my world
Embrace your teddy bear and drink your wine
But some children have no garlands but bombs
No light kits but the darkness of their fear.
Some children have no coffins
Not a grave stone to lay their head on.
Hallelujah...
Sing my world
But Jesus's star has fallen from your christmas tree
His grotto is so cold and no one is there
Bells are ringing in the emptiness and no one could hear.
Sleep tight my world
Under your christmas tree
And dream of yourself
Holding the cosmos between your hands
Untill Jesus shakes you to wake up
And stop dreaming
Under his christmas tree.

---

I like it Caddy. I guess it is a bit didactic, and I try not to do that myself, when I write, but sometimes you just have too, don't you? And the world sure isn't in a very good place right now.

I think in this kind of writing, rhythm is what counts the most. You can get the hang of it by reading some-including your own-aloud.

I found it a very tender eulogy for the many children living in war zones around the world at this time of year. Thank you, Caddy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hillwalker

Anger and frustration at being forced to use an alien language to express more freely what you are and what you feel?

We're listening.

H

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No, not that .
The Arabian passion is when words are the lava of your soul. When you pierce your soul to let words come out.
You all hit the spot in what you say. You felt my own voice but not the voice of my words.
I do believe,all who reacted to it , did so because they have sensitive souls . My words in themselves are so mediocre .