Printable View
Remorse.
The air is full with remorse that eating it way thought to my skin.
It full of regret of the shadow that dancing in dark in the corner.
The flesh is cradling me.
Silence is the sound with lavender scent.
With grip of guilt with its long nails in my neck.
The rattling of laughing that rings down my spine.
A drop of the sin that is devours me.
I found your poem quite interesting Zoo (nice & dark) Lavender scent catches the readers eye. I hope you don't mind but I reformatted it (without any changes) only as a curiosity to see if the poem reads differently with your unique style. What do you think?
The air is full with remorse
that eating it
way thought to my skin.
It full of regret
of the shadow
that dancing in dark
in the corner.
The flesh is cradling me.
Silence is the sound with lavender scent.
With grip of guilt
with its long nails in my neck.
The rattling of laughing
that rings down my spine.
A drop of the sin
that is
devours me.
See both formats I think your suits the poem better but leave as it is and see other readers think.
Love your new avatar Zoo
Head.
As I slice my hand across their face sudden urge is to find knife.
But should I tie my hands behind back.
No, taken the head clear off.
The pain as gone from me.
Re Remorse: Deltas version looks more like a poem, but I think I got the full effect from your original post and as with all things zoolike it is original. It captured a very uncomforatable place to be.
re Head. I keep re reading it, you are talking of your own head here? Who did you slap in the openng? was it a slap at all? You have left me so many questions in so few lines :)
The Boil
The volcano which just waiting to boil over.
Just like a pot of over cooking veg on my hob.
The rupture is stream soaking in the my ceiling
The lava is melting everything into mash potatoes.
The ashes is chicken roasting in the oven.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy
Thankyou Jerry for readied.
First line was direct a child on verge of get slap but she went bed.
Second line was trying to contain violence outburst.
Three line was my head. If I can chop my head then I do not listen to the noise.
Fourth line was because I felt slightly better
LOL! Head was a good one. I can relate. Self-control with the child is very hard.
Thanks zoo :DQuote:
First line was direct a child on verge of get slap but she went bed.
Second line was trying to contain violence outburst.
Three line was my head. If I can chop my head then I do not listen noise.
Fourth line was because I felt slightly better
That may well be the best response to any question I ever asked.
JB
PS I love The Boil too. I keep reading it and it keeps on making me smile like I never read it before.
Childhood Memories
The circle of a piece of paper in the air,
Like a cloud that is quiver as it slide across the sky.
Echo's of my childhood memories convey,
Into seamless gust from a broom as it sweep the road.
Rust of lessons learnt long go,
From suicides thoughts that lingers.
Faded into the wall.
Ribs did stick out,
Pale as the inside of apple.
Breath which pour in to the air,
That freeze into ice in fraction of a second.
Not happy with stanza 3, third and fourth line in.
I am open to suggest.
I'm not sure what this is about at all, but there is some beautiful imagery here, Zoolane, as usual.
I'm particularly with the third stanza. "Pale as an apple" gives a very vivid picture.
As a whole, while the lines are individually expressive, Zoo, I'm left wondering what it is exactly that your trying to convey?
Zoo- I like the transitions from one imagery into the next.
This is a good example of showing verses telling:
Echo's of my childhood memories convey,
Into seamless gust from a broom as it sweep the road.
I've just got back from an all-day Poetry Workshop. Interesting seeing how an established poet and poetry editor looks at our work - and sobering.
The golden rule is to give your reader a fresh glimpse of the ordinary. It doesn't require fancy language or complicated metaphors... and it doesn't need to rhyme. But it needs to leave them with an arresting image or memory - something they can take away with them after reading the poem.
So - I'll see what I have learnt and take a look at your 4 pieces:
1) Remorse
What's the important thing about the way remorse makes you feel? How it fills the air or the touch of it on your skin?
If it's the feel of it on your skin then don't waste our time with the air as well. Get straight to the point - and make that opening line count. You also repeat the word 'full' in 2 adjacent lines - did you not notice that?
Then you write that it's full of regret - but since remorse and regret are virtually the same thing you're telling us nothing new here.
The more arresting image is that it's dancing in the dark in the corner so tell us that next. Similarly, the cradle of flesh is emotive - bringing remorse to life. So that's good.
The next line - the scent of lavender and the silence is also intriguing. Something we would normally associate with comfort and well-being. But in the case of the writer it has a deeper symbolism.
What follows is equally powerful and leaves a lasting impression. So - cut the 'filler' from your opening two lines and this can be much improved.
2) Head
I actually thought this was a poem about how to cure a headache when I first read it.
We were advised to be as specific as possible when writing poetry - so in your case 'their face' needs to be identified more clearly. 'her face' will probably be sufficient - but if it's a child perhaps you need to use some subtlety to make it clearly.
'sudden' (and 'suddenly') are devious words that should not be trusted. They work against what they are meant to show. Something sudden is over in a flash - but both words have a rather lazy, long-drawn-out sound that slow things down and almost stretch time.
I think you can rewrite this opening line - but keep the phrase 'slice my hand' and 'urge to find a knife' because they provide a balance of images that are quite threatening.
The rest of it is ok - rather conversational in tone but you get the message across.
3) The Boil
Sorry - but the title immediately put me off because I thought it was about a boil on your neck or somewhere even more uncomfortable. And since the poem is about food boiling over, the title does most of the job for you. Why bother with the poem?
The image of your kitchen hob like a volcanic eruption is amusing for a moment, but not exactly inspiring. I think this is a case of zoo having nothing much to write about so making do with sharing your Nigella moments with us. You don't really show us something familiar in a fresh way. It's pretty much the same as most of our kitchen disasters. Definitely the weakest of the 4.
4) Childhood Memories
A list of memories - but often that's what poems are. Lists.
There are some memorable images here but I think you can trim the opening line without losing the sense of what you're describing. Do we need 'the circle of a piece of paper'?
I love this couplet:
Rust of lessons learnt long go,
From suicides thoughts that lingers.
Rust implies decay, or corrosion because something has no longer been put to use.
The third verse - I don't think you need 'did' in the second line. It trips up the rhythm. You could say the same with 'Ribs stuck out' or even 'Ribs sticking out'.
The 3rd line that you say you're not happy with is probably the strongest one - the one most readers will take away with them as a memory after reading it. And perhaps that's the point at which to end your poem.
Otherwise we're suddenly taken outside where the air is cold. This might well be a memory of yours - but it's one that most of us has experienced so you're ending on a weak note.
H
Thank you for everyone who gave feedback and H I will taken on board what faults in each poem. I will re edit and rewrite and see I can come up with.
Thank you.Quote:
Originally Posted by qimissung
I am sure what I am trying to convey qim, so time to rewrite I think or try a least.
The first one was very good.
Hi Zoo. Did you want feedback on Childhood Memories?
This first stanza has a lot of nice imagery. This reader really liked 'The circle of a piece of paper in the air' as an opening line. This stanza is good because there are good descriptions a reader can easily imagine.Quote:
Originally Posted by zoolane
Here are some boring notes on grammar:
'Like a cloud that is quiver as it slide across the sky.'
We can say 'Like a cloud that is quivering' or we can say 'Like a cloud that quivers.' Also, we need to conjugate the verb 'to slide' correctly. We can say 'Like a cloud that is quivering as it slides across the sky.
'Echo's'- if this is a noun, we must say 'Echoes.'
'as it sweep the road'- like 'slides,' we must conjugate the verb correctly.
We must say 'as it sweeps the road.'
'Rust' is an interesting and original way of describing lessons learned from the past. But the second line, about thoughts of suicide, is surprisingly unsubtle given the rest of the poem (which is spare and beautiful). This line doesn't seem to fit as nicely as the others.Quote:
Rust of lessons learnt long go,
From suicides thoughts that lingers.
More grammar notes:
'From suicides thoughts that lingers.'- Did you want to say 'From suicidal thoughts that linger'? This reader didn't precisely understand this line. Are the thoughts of suicide? Or do the thoughts belong to the suicides (people who have committed suicide, maybe)?
'Ribs did stick out/Pale as the inside of apple' are some really great lines. Your signature style is at play here. Well done zoo.Quote:
Faded into the wall.
Ribs did stick out,
Pale as the inside of apple.
Breath which pour in to the air,
That freeze into ice in fraction of a second.
For line 2, 'Pale as the inside of apple', we need an article for the noun apple. It seems natural to say 'Pale as the inside of an apple' in this context.
'Breath which pour into the air,'- if it is just one 'Breath', or 'Breath' in general, we need to conjugate the verb differently and say:
'Breath which pours into the air,'
and we need to do the same thing for the second verb, 'to freeze':
'That freezes into ice...'
And lastly, the noun 'fraction' needs an article here. We can say:
'in the fraction of a second.'
or
'in a fraction of a second.'
As usual, it is a pleasure to read your poems, zoo.
J
Thank you J. More feedback I get and more I hopeful I will learn.
Childhood memories didnt seem as happy as they could have been. There is always an assumption that the writer writes from personal experience. I often don't or I would be one horrible human being to have done half of that I have written. That said I am still prone to believe that this is personal. Maybe it is all personal because at the very least we thought it.
I found it difficult to penetrate zoo, but that rarely puts me off. From the opening line I am wondering what the circle of paper is........., I didnt understand but it didnt stop me continuing. If I see a poem by zoolane I am always prone to click on it.
JB
I enjoyed childhood memories and reading it in my mind as it is written and with corrections, it has strong imagery. I wouldn't use 'seamless' with gust and would choose a different word.
I particularly like: Rust of lessons learnt long ago. It's strong and suggests the residue of some hardship that stays with you.
Zoo, Childhood Memories is an ambitious piece of work, and very well accomplished at that. Good for you!
By repeating the title, you weakened the poem. You already said it, now advance that thought in the poem by showing it, expanding on it.
Not sure what the circle of paper is, though it morphs beautifully into a cloud. Once I got pass that, then it gets better and better. I don't want to change your poem, but that could be the paper on which the suicide note was written. It would make a powerful opening but you would need to make it clearer to readers.
L3 — there are two ways to deal with the repetition. One way is to say it in a different way, something to the effect of "it all comes back." It seems like you just need a filler, a pause, before the shocker.
But if it's me, I would flip it. I would make that the title, and leave "childhood memories" in the poem to set up the stunning contrast of childhood innocence vs. suicide.
The last stanza is really original, an open ended wrap up after S2. But "faded" is a bit problematic to me. Conceptually it doesnt' work. It's not faded if the thoughts "linger". Since you use the image of rust, you can try something like, "reddening into the wall". That's the color or rust staining the wall, and it's a very potent symbolism: rust = iron, iron = blood, blood —> suicide... you see how it all ties in?
Again I don't know if you have something specific you wanted to say, so don't make me change your poem, go with your gut. But there are times we set out to write something, then the poem writes itself and ends up saying not what we want to say, but something better.
Thank you Delta, Jerry and Haunted. How so different way of rewriting this poem
but where to began.
Maybe because it was the first of these - and seemed to be introducing a new, more self-confident Zoolane - Remorse is the one that made the greatest impression on me, although Childhood Memories was a close second.
Thank you Prince, I have re- work both poems on other thread, changes and hopeful I have take on board the suggest made.