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When your body
is plastered against the glass
during my force of passion,
propelling through tunnels,
rocketing across bridges,
igniting zenith sparks
along my inflamed carriage.
When you peel yourself
from the screen of my energy,
steaming, rattled.
When I have been derailed,
the furnace handle still hot
and I puff, 'choo choo,'
then you can be the driver.
Ahhh, the power of being in control!
Delta.....Kudos!
Not too many would understand this or have the balls to write it. I enjoyed this!!
kittypaws
One slight fix, Delta: there shouldn't be a period after "carriage," because that's merely a prepositional phrase attached to one of the three preceding participle phrases but connected to the initial dependent clause beginning with "when" that still needs a "then" clause to make it a complete sentence. So L1-7 is a sentence fragment. You can change that period to a semi-colon and it will work, because semi-colons can separate different parts of the same sentence where there is a wealth of other commas and phrases.
The semi-colon would also work well structurally here, especially since the two "whens" that follow recall and contrast with the breathless beginning. In fact, those two subsequent "whens" give the reader a sense of "running out of steam" and approaching the ending so when the "then" finally hits, it feels like a, errrr, "release". There are other interesting parallels to make between these two sections, such as how the beginning opens with a passive voice concerning something being done to the other party ("your body") while the second half begins with with that subject actively doing something ("peel yourself") and is followed by a passive voice about something being done to the speaker ("I have been derailed") . There's also how the participle verbs and other verbs in the first half begin 4 of the 7 lines given them a real sense of momentum pushing forward, those verbs are displaced in the second half towards the middle of the line, decreasing their emphasis and impact, and makes the final verb of the speaker (puff) really feel like a final “oomph” while in a weakened state.
Overall, I really like it. Very playful, but very well constructed.
I'm going to need a glass of wine before I make the changes you suggest MS!
Don't change. Your inner voice and style. The period is needed as a rest, long break and emphasis. It works fine. The fragments reinforce the poignancy of the last line. In my reading, because of the periods, I feel the "I" in the poem is speaking and thinking not delivering a long, memorized sermon.
Morpheus is right in that the full stop should be replaced with either a comma or a semicolon, because the sentence can't end with carriage - it is incomplete. It is not complete until it is resolved, which it isn't until the end of the last line. for this reason the full stop after rattled should also be replaced with a comma or semicolon and you also need a comma after cho,cho. However, he's made such a meal of the reasoning that it just baffles, rather than explains :D
You might also check your tenses in the first part where propelled and rocketed might be better choices.
Live and be well - H
I'm busy cooking atm and will make the changes later but just out of interest, would you say this poem is erotic in any way?
The events described are obviously a metaphor for love-making, although the title suggests masturbation - so one is left reading me and you as the same person - divided between control and abandon. But the payoff is rather laconic :D
well I was aiming for an anti-climatic effect :biggrin5:
I only suggested one change: the period after "carriage" should be a semi-colon because otherwise you have a sentence fragment. Also, I missed the period after "rattled," which should be a comma, for the same reason as above. The rest of what I said was just analysis of what you've accomplished in this fine piece. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Delta40
I was going to mention this as well, but forgot after I'd typed the rest: I actually like the switch of tenses from the from the present tense in the first half to the past tense in the last half, but it does need to be normalized and consistent (there are some past tenses in the first half and present in the second).Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawkman
There are some instances where past and present to not clash: eg: "The locomotive lurched, left the tracks, showering the banked escarpment with glowing coals." but there has to be a logical order.
I agree about the order, Hawk; how would you recommend ordering it here?
WAIT, does this call for TWO glasses of wine now?Quote:
Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman
Lol More like THREE! Will one of you just re-write it for me so I don't have to use my brain???Quote:
Originally Posted by BienvenuJDC
Sure. Here you go:Quote:
Originally Posted by Delta40
When your body
is plastered against the glass
during my force of passion,
propelling through tunnels,
rocketing across bridges,
igniting zenith sparks
along my inflamed carriage;
When you peel yourself
from the screen of my energy,
steaming, rattled,
When I have been derailed,
the furnace handle still hot
and I puff, 'choo choo,'
then you can be the driver.
BTW, one final critique: can I just say how much I love the word "plastered" here? It has so many different possible meanings, most of them vividly appropriate to the context, so it's a great use of lexical (linguistic) ambiguity.
You changed this comment during the night! Miyako sent me a PM which more accurately grasped the meaning of the poem. But you got the title right :driving:Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawkman
Aha! another unintentional thingymajig! You know, reading it with the punctuation change, it actually doesn't have quite the same force than when I take a pause at carriage using a fullstop, although I will grant you the comma after rattled. Thanks for taking so much trouble with this poem Morph.Quote:
Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman
I love it delta :D, missed your writings. ;D
Twota! :hurray: missed your presence here AND your poetry!Quote:
Originally Posted by Twota
You could also consider splitting it into two stanzas after carriage but keeping the semi-colon. That would provide a bigger stop that even the period and would emphasize the two-half structure. It's up to you, of course. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Delta40
I wanted a cigarette after reading this and I don't smoke. :biggrin5:
I agree with miyako that you need a stop or pause, if not a period, then a comma with a line space
Was it erotic? Are you kidding me?
lol. Well the guys were so focused on colons and periods that the theme seemed to get overlooked! This is my first attempt at erotic writing.
Is this the flame that sparked the recent series of sexy posts on this forum? Shame on you Delta. Everybody's oversexed again. ;-)
(For some reason the poem reminds this reader of one you wrote a long time ago about an artist who's "gonna blow his load across the sky.")
J
Oh yeah. I forgot that one....
Dug this one out. It's a great poem and has great feedback.
Lol I forgot I have this side to me...
Morpheus re-write is par excellence! Delta, I really liked the carpe diem moment. Your passion seems paramount in the poem. Have you fully abandoned and cut all ties with the Feminist movement? Just funnin ya! An enjoyable fantasy you have woven, my friend.
Lol I fancied a more realistic outlook!