These thoughts
wrapped in charpaper,
dried with age
in a tinderbox
of flint memories.
Strawberries, tickles,
horsey rides.
Alcohol, smoke,
leather belt.
Childhood remnants
fused with ashes,
strained
through the cheesecloth
of unseeing eyes.
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These thoughts
wrapped in charpaper,
dried with age
in a tinderbox
of flint memories.
Strawberries, tickles,
horsey rides.
Alcohol, smoke,
leather belt.
Childhood remnants
fused with ashes,
strained
through the cheesecloth
of unseeing eyes.
Wonderful as usual (and haunting too).
Beautiful. Particularly the last stanza.
Light, touching and elegant. Very nice, Delta.
I like the last stanza the best. Great Job
Very nice!
...but am I the only one who reads a certain darkness in these lines? A sense of loss permeates the poem, and the nostalgia is rimmed with hard imagery. That last stanza in particular, the most successful of the poem, is quietly discomforting.
There is such a wealth of treasured memories that I was brought up short and reluctant to read these lines
which altered the mood so suddenly.Quote:
Originally Posted by Delta40
I feel quite differently about this poem then others do. There certaintly a vague sense of nostalgia evoked but with no story to it, I found it hard to care. The third verse is just a cluster of senseless words. While the other two, I think, have clumsy phrases such as 'strained through the cheesecloth of unseeing eyes', which don't read well. I just don't think the idea of this wasn't executed very well.
I agree feeling uneasy in last stanza, and something here but not here.
Mmm. Mixed reviews again. Catamite you say that S3 is a cluster of senseless words and refer to the other two stanzas as containing clumsy phrases but use a line from S3 as an example. Can you be more specific please?
Zoo are you saying that the poem is missing something? and if you so, what do you think it might be?
many thanks for you kind feedback.
I didn't mind this Delta, though I think the grouping of opposites in the second stanza may have been the stumbler. A line break between the two or a written joiner to clarify perhaps? Alcohol and smoke may convey something, but not as the cause for the leather belt (though I get the implication.
I remember the first time I said the word **** and received a wooden spoon to the back of my head, which broke (the spoon), and she didn't even tell me what it meant - all her friends used it and she laughed. I use it and get the wooden spoon!
This:
to me was flawless and --- yes, unsettling.Quote:
Originally Posted by Delta40
Not so light, this poem which I love.
Thanks Delta
Bar
Hello Delta,
I honestly feel like this poem is a bit too elusive. But having read the third stanza a few times following repeated praise from our cohorts - I find that it evokes a strangely satisfying emotion of grappling towards intangible nostalgia.
Hmm, definitely thought-provoking and kindling strange emotion but perhaps not communicative enough?
Well the third stanza is just a list of words - obviously one could dig up meaning to them, or guess at the meaning you intended, but to me reading them they have no apparent meaning other than 'your memories', which so vague as to be painly inarticulate.
In the third verse we have childhood remnants (What remnants? Whose remnants? Why is it interesting?) fused with ashes strained through the cheesecloth (this combines the metaphorical and the literal, but without much effect, because the image to me isn't particularily lucid despite the wieght given to these words) of unseeing eyes (I find absolutely no sense in this what so ever - it just seems to be vague, directionless imagery).
I might have simply read this very poorly, and clearly lots other repsectable members enjoyed it, but I just thought it was nonsensical. But that's just me.
Thanks for explaining Catamite.
It not missing that I can see or sense. What I am trying say is for example: When I speak Leanne (the eldest daughter) or reading her message of fb, sometimes I get a feeling that more to conversation then tell me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Delta40
It same when sense something not right with your daughter.
The note of nostalgia that runs through the whole poem is difficult to miss. It may be elusive to some but I think the list of objects in the second stanza links with the first line of the third. Definitely a Good one Delta!
Thanks everyone for your replies. Despite a feeling of elusiveness, the sense of nostalgia, loss and beauty was felt in the poem which I appreciate very much.
One of your best, Delta.
Thanks Cafolini.Quote:
Originally Posted by cafolini
Your offerings speak for themselves--eloquently.
They don't need any help from the likes o' me.
Thanks Aunty.
Missed this little gem Delta.
I am so appreciative of the kind comments that I've recieved on this poem as it is one that is very close to my heart.