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I'd lie on my side and look out the window
and see the glow through the branches
and see a young woman walking on the pavement and pass out of the frame
and roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling
and count the flecks of blood and the different shades of shadow in the room
and touch myself to the pulse of a snake
and hold my own private communion into my dark pillow
and follow the clouds till they're gray with rain
and end up alone again, beside myself with joy
I have to confess I'm getting several different images here - I'd love to know which was correct. Or would I? Would it spoil the mystery of this tortured individual? A fascinating piece of work. Thanks.
I agree with above post. this poem can incite a tumult of possibles. very nice.
That last line is such a powerful one after all the explicit but somewhat mysterious suggestions that precede it.
read like a study into introversion and sweet solitude. with a touch of breathtest madness. I enjoyed it a lot.
Interesting piece breathtest, which reminded me of 'Poem' by Simon Armitage, from Kid with its heavy repetition of 'and', which tends to level everything out as being of equal significance.
To that end, it's tempting to read more into the 'flecks of blood'. Armitage has lines like: 'And once, for laughing, punched her in the face' which give the poem its power.
I'm not sure I want to know about this, though! :smilewinkgrin:
Quote:
and touch myself to the pulse of a snake
Daffyd and Delta - it is entirely possible that all the possible images you have are the correct ones.
Prince - as ever, you've picked out exactly the bit that resonated with me mostly when i wrote it.
Jerrybaldy - i'm immensely glad you enjoyed it.
Thanks all.
Blank verse - I read some Armitage poems a while back. I may have read the one you mentioned, but i'm not entirely sure. It was years ago now. I'm glad my poem made you think of one of his. He is a very good poet.
And yes i thought i'd leave that line vague because, ahem, you know, wouldn't want to embarrass anybody.
You do a great job of creating discomfort here; the reader's discomfort at watchng someone's private moments - not wanting to look too closely yet being unable to tear our eyes away..... and the ambiguity is very fitting since, no matter how hard we look, we can't see inside his thoughts.
It seems to "my dark pillow" implies "my dark secret," which is full of all kinds of sentiments!
Vague but good piece!
Holy flaming banana monkey batman! :)
N's pillow is really dark, breath, and the discomfort hill speaks about rather oppressive, which all means, I guess, your poem has the impact it aims at.
I'm not fully convinced about the line
"and count the flecks of blood and the different shades of shadow in the room"
though, and unless B/V's right in his investigation, I'd suggest you did without the flecks of blood...
Altogether a solid, well achieved poem, gave me a feeling I really am in poetry realm with it.
Thanks a million. Bar
What a poem!!
Must say 1st of all... :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: with the others!
And Oh Sugarhoneyicetea!
I got loads of different images there!
Some I wanted to see,
some I would havepreferred not too,
but what the hey!!
there is so much mystery surrounding this,
Brilliant!
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I studed Simon A for my Anthology coursework, must say, Mother, any distance was my fave !
All the Best!! :D
Silas Thorne, haha. is that a positive comment? :lol::lol::lol:
Bar - thanks muchly.
Wow. thanks Skia. probably the best comment i've had in a long time. and yes i think i did the same anthology coursework as you did. GCSE right?
I have to recant a little, but only re my mystification at how to read that last clause, other than, I suppose, your revulsion your 'dark' past... But it remains a powerful poem.
Yeah GCSE's.. I'm not sure if it was cluster one, or cluster two... I think cluster one... ;)
Skia - man all that feels like so long ago now.
thank you Prince. i appreciate it.
I was 2 1/2 maybe 3 years ago for me... But now I wish I could go back to it, because college work is twenty times harder! :P