I never learned to ask,
"How are things in your grandmother's village?"
in any foreign tongue.
I can say,
"Show me your hands, or I will kill you."
in several languages.
But, somehow, it is not the same.
Printable View
I never learned to ask,
"How are things in your grandmother's village?"
in any foreign tongue.
I can say,
"Show me your hands, or I will kill you."
in several languages.
But, somehow, it is not the same.
A sad reflection on the human condition, isn't it? It's a very, very powerful piece of work, Hack! I particularly liked the almost casual, cynical, throwaway nature of the last line. Thanks
Kind of reminds me of the old RAF recruiting rhyme.
Join the Airforce.
Travel to far off exotic lands
look down upon the waving people
and drop bombs on them.
I hasten to point out this was, and as far as I know is, not an official slogan. :D
love the poem hack.
Live and be well, H
I wonder if you were as astonished by this poem as I am? Or were you horrified? Any which way, it's a gem!
Brilliant!
It wasn't official, any more that "Ban the Bomb - Napalm the B*******" was, but, sick Service humour being what it was, we still had it on T-shirts.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawkman
Concentrated and potent, hack. Good one.
Apologies for the tinkering, but I think it could be even shorter, and perhaps with a bit of realignment, more powerful:
Polyglot
I never learned to ask, in any foreign tongue,
"How are things
in your grandmother's village?"
But I can say, in several different languages
"Show me your hands,
or I will kill you."
I think the last line is essential.
This small poem in thoughtful, vibrant hack-ish style: I like it very much.
I was surprised to note that B|V proposed leaving off the last line, which Lumiere and I think is essential. Without it, one has the option of supposing that the persona is proud of what he can say in various foreign tongues. He might be a brute, fanatically ethnophobic.
Well done Hawk. It strongly represents the way of humankind.
B/V, I understand your misgivings about the last line, I share it, but only to a point. First, the poem, in its entirety, is very close to something that was said to me once. Second, and more important, I feel that the exposition of the mindset of the speaker requires it. For me, it expresses regret or, at the least, some sense of wonder at the recollection of that situation. I remembered this brief conversation after reading Delta40's recent post, "tropical storm". Thanks for your kind attention. In fact, thank you all for your reads, and your comments. I appreciate the opportunity to read you all and to have you read my poems, such as they are...peace...
I am guilty for not reading the posts of others. Having read your post hack, i would say the last line is essential, otherwise we are left hanging by an observation without resolution and while this approach has its place, it will not work powerfully here.
Striking very effectively! There is something to B/V's critique though I agree with you that your delicately expressed sigh/regret haloed the whole poem. Thanks for this one, dear Hack - BarQuote:
Originally Posted by hack
Sometimes I write comments that I later feel were made too hastily or were badly expressed... here, though, I agree with myself completely!
Thanks for the response, hack, and of course it's your poem to keep how you want. But as a published poet once said to me, just because something is true or actually happened, doesn't mean it has to be included in a poem!
I'm afraid I disagree with you here, Prince old chap, when you say:
I mean, he might be - that's a strong part of the poem to adopt such a character's voice. On the other hand, would a 'brute' really express what is said in the first stanza? That he thinks of, and thus seems to regret not being able to ask about, the villagers' elderly relatives suggests he is an empathetic character. There is therefore no need for the final line, because that he would think as much is already implied.Quote:
He might be a brute, fanatically ethnophobic.
I just feel that nothing can be said after the 'I will kill you' line; and I love the ambiguity and the lack of resolution that comes with having to work out where the narrator stands. He struck me as perhaps an American or UN soldier currently on duty expressing the double-think behind his actions. That's a complicated issue and deserves to be treated as such; trying to draw some moral conclusion from it or giving the reader the safety and release of a wink and a nod to let us know he's one of the good guys is trying to shape the world to how one would like it, not how it is. And I don't want to be told that: I want the thrill of not knowing! Write bravely!
I wouldn't want to see a production of Othello during which Iago whispers to the audience: "Don't worry, I'm an actor! I'm not like this in real life!"
Yes, I believe a certain kind of brute would say what the persona says in verse 1, and he would mean by saying it I know that this is what the 'civilizedd' world would expect me to say... I'm well aware that others would express compassion and all that, but the truth of who I am (and who knows, perhaps the truth of who you are) is precisely that I can say in many languagesQuote:
Originally Posted by blank|verse
:
"Show me your hands,
or I will kill you."
and I can mean it, too!"
But without that final line, I fail to see how you would work out any other interpretation but that this is the candid, unrepentant self-portrait of a savage?Quote:
I just feel that nothing can be said after the 'I will kill you' line; and I love the ambiguity and the lack of resolution that comes with having to work out where the narrator stands.
Ok, fair points, Prince; it's difficult to un-read this now but I still think there's enough ambiguity in the first stanza to make it work as it stands. One possible compromise might be to re-order the stanzas; but whatever, I feel the extra line is clumsy and unnecessary (and again, with apologies to hack for, um, hacking his work to pieces):
Polyglot
Although I can say,
in several different languages
"Show me your hands, or I will kill you,"
I have never learned to ask,
in any foreign tongue,
"How are things in your grandmother's village?"
As I recently PMed Hack, I have been enjoying your and my vigorous difference of opinion re the appropriateness of the original final line, but as to your suggested re-ordering of the stanzas, I think that comes mighty close to being criminal!Quote:
Originally Posted by blank|verse
Putting that 1st verse last strikes me as anti-climactic. Furthermore, in this arrangement the speaker would appear to be indicting or apologizing for himself.
While I agree that the final line is problematic, it is a quite different poem without it.
The line can be taken as a rather flip, and even incongruous remark. That is not the
intent though. It is meant to be a wistful recollection of something that, on reflection,
should have always been obvious to the speaker, but was not. It is not an indictment,
but a revelation. Perhaps it is too clumsy to say what I mean to say. The matter of
staying true to the actual conversation is only important in that I wish to express,
with some economy, what I thought was the gist of the comment. The first verse is,
in fact, a condensation of a longer, and more profane, original thought...peace...
well i think it works the other way round as the last line is now tacitly obvious and more complete as a result. Your words here have created an unseen sentence.
Gah! I give up!! :)