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Some have whimpered;
some have sung;
some have gone
to the edge of the sea
and tried to lift it up,
like a rumpled duvet
after a restless night,
to lift it up
and resettle it,
on a hopefully tranquil bed.
But the sea is engaged
with its own temperament.
The mother of the sea
is a god in torment.
The sea is an animal.
I love the image of lifting up the sea.
This is a short poem I wrote along those same lines:
Miracle Worker
I could empty the ocean
if wanting it would make it so
sadly, no man can
still
I sail around a star
turning each bitter winter
into a new year
not bad!
... but why should eight lines league to deplore the sea, even if the third of them is quite a metaphor...?
"some" seem to have restless nights...
did you write the last two words, or was it me?Quote:
Originally Posted by hack
That first stanza is good but the second seems almost intentionally anti-climactic. There's also something strange about ending it on an almost half-line which seems to leave the piece hanging... I'm not sure about this one, Prince...
I adore it; i love the mysterious element and the elemental nature of it. I especially love the line "the mother of the sea is a god in torment..." It's fate to be ceaselessly tomented, it would appear.
Thanks Hack and Bar
You have an uncommonly sharp eye, Morph. The first stanza flowed pretty organically. Then came the curt "The sea is an animal," which I fell in love with for its out-of-the-blue unmediated quality. (I did think that some of you might love that image.) But on its own it seemed too stark and arbitrary ti follow the first eight lines, so I constructed l. 9 & 10 to lead into it but evidently not well enough for your taste.Quote:
Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman
Yes, this is a frustratingly 'drafty' piece. As usual, there are strong ideas here, but they're rather let down by the lack of poetry.
I enjoyed the image of someone lifting the sea 'like a rumpled duvet' but the rhythm of the first stanza removes some of that enjoyment. In the first line, you establish a set rhythm, with the semi-colons and the repetition of 'some' at the start of each clause. For me, there should be a full stop after 'duvet'. I don't have the breath for the next line, and think you should make the reader stop at that point and enjoy the image, not weaken it by stretching it out. And the word 'hopefully' just feels all wrong.
I also like the 'sea is an animal' metaphor, but found the bouncing back-and-forth between the sea-its mother-the sea a bit distracting.
And, as Bar22do pointed out - deploring the sea?
Which I will consider and possibly edit after I've replied here.Quote:
Originally Posted by blnk_vrz
The whole of this (insofar as it is a coherent whole) is the movement from common enough human activities - whimpering, singing - to the persona's unmediated outrage at the incomprehensibility, intractability of our natural situation. "The sea is an animal" is meant more as opprobrium than metaphoric precision.Quote:
I don't have the breath for the next line, and think you should make the reader stop at that point and enjoy the image, not weaken it by stretching it out. And the word 'hopefully' just feels all wrong.
I also like the 'sea is an animal' metaphor, but found the bouncing back-and-forth between the sea-its mother-the sea a bit distracting.
And, as Bar22do pointed out - deploring the sea?
I'm in agreement. What also fascinates me about this is the the way it starts in a song rhythm and then extends away from it. I think it captures the sea's immensity that way. The sea shore is traditiuonally perceived as rhythmic but the sea is so much more than the shore and so huge that it's really not rhythmic. I don't know if I'm making sense or even if I'm reading too much into it.Quote:
Originally Posted by qimissung
I have to say Prince, you have crafted an art that is so individualistic and honed down that subtleties like I mentioned just stand out so. You say so much with form.
[QUOTE=blnk_vrz;843491For me, there should be a full stop after 'duvet'. I don't have the breath for the next line, and think you should make the reader stop at that point and enjoy the image, not weaken it by stretching it out.[/QUOTE]
I looked it over but didn't make the change you suggested because it's a run-on line, the whole image is
like a rumpled duvet
after a restless night...
Course I could lose "after a restless night" but I feel I need that length to set us up for the irritable reiteration of "to lift it up..."
Thanks all the same.
Ok - what about...?
Some have whimpered; some have sung;
some have gone to the edge of the sea
and tried to lift it up,
like a rumpled duvet after a restless night,
to lift and resettle it, on a hopefully[?] tranquil bed.
But the sea is engaged
with its own temperament.
The mother of the sea
is a god in torment.
The sea is an animal.
...x2
Quote:
Originally Posted by blnk_vrz
Yes, this makes for a good line but I'd prefer to keep the duvet closer to the effort to lif itThe trouble here, I believe, is that your version is more elegant than mine. In place of elegance I wanted the sense of intemperate vituperation.Yes, this is a solecism and my classicist older son repeatedly raps my knuckles when I use it, but I'm writing as I usually do as closely as I can to a vernacular diction, and anyway I anticipate that this way of using "hopeful" will pretty soon become standard if it has not already done so.Quote:
to lift and resettle it, on a hopefully[?]
Quote:
tranquil bed.
But the sea is engaged
with its own temperament.
The mother of the sea
is a god in torment.
The sea is an animal.
Well, one thing I've taken notice of in your poetry is a tendency towards fairly even line lengths often divided equally evenly in two; usually by punctuation. I can do this almost entirely for this piece:Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin
Some have whimpered; || some have sung;
some have gone to || the edge of the sea
and tried to lift it up, || like a rumpled duvet
after a restless night, || to lift it up
and resettle it, || on a hopefully tranquil bed.
But the sea is engaged || with its own temperament.
The mother of the sea || is a god in torment.
The sea is an animal.
So the final "half line" is probably what makes it seem incomplete. This isn't necessarily criticism but observation because it could definitely be an intended technique. As Virgil said, your poetry is unusually subtle and often I don't get it on anything but a superficial level the first 2 or 3 times I read it so many my reaction against that last line was actually intended and, therefor, successful.
Course I'd then have to change the title, but what the aitch, I think I'll try it that way. Thanks...Quote:
Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman
With apologies to blnk_vrz who made the same suggestion but with regards to the 2nd stanza alone.
Many thanks, dear friend. Do you have the time to look at the revision I made per Morpheus' suggestion?Quote:
Originally Posted by qimissung
Many thanks, Virgil. I hope I have not diminished your perception of a songlike rhythm by adopting the shorter lines recommended, in part, by blnk_vrz and in the whole of the poem as suggested by Morpheus.Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
Your appreciation of the "honed down" quality of my writing is very much what I aim for and will likely continue to do.
Actually, Prince, it does read better this way. I wonder why that is? I love the duvet metaphor, too.The whole thing just brings the ocean to life.
You're welcome. You know, I liked it better the other way. The longer lines gave me the feel of the immensity of the ocean. I think you kind of lost that. That short ending line was also brilliant. There is no need for a balanced form. The unbalance is actually very suggestive as well. What was the rationale for the shift?Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin
This is such an interesting piece from a formal perspective because now having read it in the altered version I agree with both quimi and Virgil. It does "read better", and it yet it does seem as if you've lost the effect of those long lines. I no longer get the sense of incompleteness from that last line but I'm debating with myself as to whether what's gained is worth what's lost. It might be better just to compose the final stanza that way since I think the first was perfectly balanced anyway.
That's why it's sometimes better to trust your instincts. Change it back, Prince, or at least put the original in here somewhere.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin
Good personification and verification
I'm glad I did see this in its original form. I just did not have time to respond then.
I like the original much better. Breaking it makes the pauses too long.
Virgil was correct about the rythmn and the broken form takes away from that.
I have one criticism for the last line:
"The mother of the sea is a god in torment.
The sea is an animal."
I read this as "The mother of the sea is a god in torment, but the sea is an animal.
With making it a compound sentence using "but" you make the last line refer back to the first line of the last stanza ("But the sea is engaged with its own temperament."). This clarifies the devolution (or at least difference) of the sea from godlike origins as you state.
I really like this poem. It's a sailor's poem.