My Dear Old Friend

This is somewhat of a provocative poem, given that I'm in the 6th month and I am supposed to be pure and maternal, but I just can't get into that frame of mind.

Oh, my dear old friend, I miss you so…
It’s been so long and I saw you today
In the back corner of the cabinet, your black capped neck.
“Hello?”
Oh, my old friend,
I miss sitting at the counter, laughing,
Having you stare back at me vacantly,
Open-mouthed, waiting.
How much fun we have in the sun.
I love to pull the garden apart with you faithfully at my side.
You, urging me on to frolic and dance under the brim of my hat.
Legs kicked up, body full of dirt, and mouth full of laughter.
All because of you my friend.
I’m supposed to give you up and I have for now,
But I want you back to hold between my hands.
Can we start a new love affair?
You and me vodka against the world.

Cheers! (On the pending birth and after-birth LOL)!

:lol::lol::lol:

Thanks, thought people may be uptight.

I like inner truth. it makes our world authentic.

Cute. A few more months Jersea, and then the fun will really start. :) I didn't actually care of for the last line, but other than that I thought the language was fresh and interesting.

I agree with Virgil on the last line, it seemed an awkward finis. But perhaps that's the intended tone. It's a beautiful piece, quite simply gratifying - d

Thanks, I agree the last line doesn't work. Thanks again for all the feedback ladies and gents!

hahaha. i love this it is so funny. i can imagine you dancing under the brim of your hat

Especially when I finally get the garden in. Not that it is all that big, but I'm not much of a gardener.

Glad you liked it! I thought you'd get a kick out of it.

That's a really interesting poem... With the exception of the last line, it holds a certain mystery even though it's quite obvious what it's about. Glorious.

Jersea, I wish you both the best in the months to and years to come.

I love the honesty in the telling of this and for that you could omit the word vodka. The tone of the poem up to the last line is so much as though you are speaking to an audience fully familiar with the pangs of abstinence from something they enjoy whatever it may be. I would maintain the indirectness you established in the rest of the poem.

Thank you! Thank you! I so appreciate all the feedback. I do need to change the last line. I think for me yesterday, with all the rain, I missed sitting in the kitchen with friends at dinner having a cocktail. I still don't know how to fix the last line, but eventually it will come to me.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jersea

I still don't know how to fix the last line, but eventually it will come to me.

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IMHO the last two lines are perfect except I would remove the word vodka and the question mark I would move to the last line, making the last two lines one sentence. The defiance of "You and me against the world" is a great way to end this poem.

FF's idea of dropping the "vodka" is good, but I think even better would be to drop the last line altogether. End it with the question.

Fine job of 'showing,' Jersea. As far as the ending is concerned my idea is this:

We'll start a new love affair;
you, me, and vodka against the world.

Enjoyed the read very much.
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Wow! Thanks for all the help. The poem is really only about me and my longing for a cocktail. I couldn't admit that there is a deeper meaning than that.

All the suggestions have lead me to here:

Oh, my dear old friend, I miss you so…
It’s been so long and I saw you today
In the back corner of the cabinet, your black capped neck.
“Hello?”
Oh, my old friend,
I miss sitting at the counter, laughing,
Having you stare back at me vacantly,
Open-mouthed, waiting.
How much fun we have in the sun.
I love to pull the garden apart with you faithfully at my side.
You, urging me on to frolic and dance under the brim of my hat.
Legs kicked up, body full of dirt, and mouth full of laughter.
All because of you my friend.
I’m supposed to give you up and I have for now,
But I want you back to roll between my hands.
Can we start a new love affair?
Oh, my dear old friend, I miss you so…

I love it, jersea! so honest and revealing--wish you all the best!

love
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