That's good, Bitter, I like that. Beauty is so, how should I put it, so beautiful. I love beauty. I love beautiful people, children, music, paintings, Raphael and Ginevra Benci. Still there is a devil in me howling for absinthe, blood, outrageous acts like walking a lobster down our high-street, useless, fruitless friendship with servile, self-seeking, ignorant snobs, the insolence of office, the pangs of desprized love, all things self-destructive, to be like
Ainsi qu'un débauché pauvre qui baise et mange
Le sein martyrisé d'une antique catin...
Then there is the dandy. Oscar Wilde, Stephen Frye. Stephen Frye as Oscar Wilde:
Wow! Debauchery and sphistication incarnate. Rimbaud and Lord Alfred Tennyson rolled into one! There are so many different ways of 'living the literary life'. I chose to choose nothing! I just want to be. I just want to love beauty and occasionally let this love overflow into a tiny poem. I want time, to read and read and read. I want to read everything. I have a book in my head, a novel. I used to write occasionally but feel a lot distracted during this last year or so. (been falling in and out of love with the same person which has left two thoroughly confused souls on a planet where most of the inabitants seem to know where they are going!) More often than not, I hear a scream inside my head like Joh Keats's angushed cry in:
I cry your mercy -- pity -- love -- ay, love!
Merciful love that tantalizes not,
One-thoughted, never-wandering, guileless love,
Unmask'd, and being seen -- without a blot!
O! let me have thee whole, -- all -- all -- be mine!
That shape, that fairness, that sweet minor zest
Of love, your kiss, -- those hands, those eyes divine,
That warm, white, lucent, million-pleasured breast, --
Yourself -- your soul -- in pity give me all,
Withhold no atom's atom, or I die,
Or living on perhaps, your wretched thrall,
Forget, in the mist of idle misery,
Life's purposes -- the palate of my mind
Losing its gust, and my ambition blind!
I used to think I was Horatio, I am bloody Zhivago from the toe to the top of my head! Some literary life indeed! Where is the next big novel of human endurance and of love? Where is the next Hugh Kenner? Why did Keats go on living? Where have all the diciples gone? My kingdom sold, sold for a mole on that beautiful face! (
khal i rukhsar i yaar i man!). When asked by the Sultan of Ghazna about the price of his huge kingdom, the blind poet Rudki answered, "just a mole on my beloved's face!". I think this is all it was worth. All gone in a frenzy of madness. But boy, don't I love that one mole that I got for all my dreams and all my ambitions! If I had ten empires, I would have given them away. Beautiful to live two, three or even four lives simultaneously!