Don't Say It Out Loud.

Just a little something I wrote a few days ago...well actually 'finished it' a few days ago, cuz this one has been sitting there for a few months.
Any feedbacks are welcomed...on ONE condition..don't be too harsh.. lol

Don't Say It Out Loud

Don't say it out loud,
You can only whisper,
Such words would shake,
Our world with fear.

Don't say it out loud,
Though in a distance,
The shivering, humming mouths,
Say it in a prayer,
Before they go to sleep.

Don't say it out loud,
Let it remain unknown,
To the ear,
Though in the soul
It's craved, with a million spears.

Don't say it out loud,
Maybe in a hundred years,
There will come an infant,
Who won't feel its fear.

Don't say it out loud,
Just let it flow,
An after-thought,
Before we close our eyes,
Eternally.

Don't say it out loud,
Just sigh it to the void,
From a heavy heart,
That wishes it all away.

Don't say it out loud,
And maybe soon,
As time passes by
Singing its sorrowful rhyme,
We will forget, forgive,
And learn to heal.

I like the way you wrote this poem. God job :)

I didn't much care for "spears" as a rhyme, didn't see what it meant but apart from that this is is delicate and lovely.

@Angel Moonrise: I'm glad you like it :D
@PrinceMyshkin: First, I'm glad you think it's delicare and lovely :D and about the rhyme, I didn't really pay attention to any rhyme in this poem, I was actually trying to write it in blank verse.
Thank you both for the feedback :D
There's a comment I had from Virgil, concerning the repitition of the title "Don't Say It Out Loud". I liked that suggestion a lot, and I'll post the poem with the change in a new post.

Don't Say It Out Loud

You can only whisper,
Such words would shake,
Our world with fear.

Though in a distance,
The shivering, humming mouths,
Say it in a prayer,
Before they go to sleep.

Let it remain unknown,
To the ear,
Though in the soul
It's craved, with a million spears.

Maybe in a hundred years,
There will come an infant,
Who won't feel its fear.

Just let it flow,
An after-thought,
Before we close our eyes,
Eternally.

Don't say it out loud,
Just sigh it to the void,
From a heavy heart,
That wishes it all away.

Don't say it out loud,
And maybe soon,
As time passes by
Singing its sorrowful rhyme,
We will forget, forgive,
And learn to heal.

I like it much better this way Nossa. You might even take out that first line too, since the title is right there. I happen to like the "spears" word, especially since its sound is echoed in a number of places.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Virgil

I like it much better this way Nossa. You might even take out that first line too, since the title is right there. I happen to like the "spears" word, especially since its sound is echoed in a number of places.

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I think it was a mistake to remove the repetition of it, which is a familiar poetic technique & seemed appropriate to the emotion. But "spears" didn't mean anything relevant as far as I could see.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

I think it was a mistake to remove the repetition of it, which is a familiar poetic technique & seemed appropriate to the emotion. But "spears" didn't mean anything relevant as far as I could see.

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I can't quite grasp the meaning of spears myself, but it's a conciet, a metaphor, and one assumes there's some relevance to the poet. It is a rather harsh image in the context of the rest of the poem, but perhaps it sticks in the soul that way. As to the repetition, I never see the point of repetition for repetition's sake. It becomes more of a song lyric than a poem. For me repetition works when each repetition expands in meaning. I didn't really see it here. It's personal preference, I admit.

Just a quick aside--

In the usual course of language evolution,words and expressions customarily become shorter-- for example, "apron" was once "napron." So I wonder how "out loud" became a substitute for "aloud."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AuntShecky

Just a quick aside--

In the usual course of language evolution,words and expressions customarily become shorter-- for example, "apron" was once "napron." So I wonder how "out loud" became a substitute for "aloud."

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Looked it up in Websters:

Quote:

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Main Entry: aloud
Function: adverb
Etymology: Middle English, from 1a- + loud
Date: 13th century
1archaic : in a loud manner : loudly
2: with the speaking voice <read aloud>

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Sounds like it's a compounding (I think that's the term) of "a" and "loud". In general laguage usually simplifies. I guess if you think about it, compounding is a means of simplification too.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Virgil

As to the repetition, I never see the point of repetition for repetition's sake. It becomes more of a song lyric than a poem. For me repetition works when each repetition expands in meaning. I didn't really see it here. It's personal preference, I admit.

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And I don't see the distinction (or the point of making one) between a song and a lyric poem? Repetition is surely a familiar and sometimes indispensable part of human discourse, as when just one "ouch" does not sufficiently discharge us of pain, or an utterance, repeated, changes from simple iteration into a protest or, e.g. into sarcasm. Calling it "repetition for repetition's sake" is a presumption as to Nossa's intentions.

Surely you wouldn't argue that poetry need be straightforward linear exposition - or linear at all?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Virgil

Looked it up in Websters:

Sounds like it's a compounding (I think that's the term) of "a" and "loud". In general laguage usually simplifies. I guess if you think about it, compounding is a means of simplification too.

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No, I meant, why do we say "out loud," when it's just as
quick to say "aloud"? Does the "out" intensify it?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

And I don't see the distinction (or the point of making one) between a song and a lyric poem? Repetition is surely a familiar and sometimes indispensable part of human discourse, as when just one "ouch" does not sufficiently discharge us of pain, or an utterance, repeated, changes from simple iteration into a protest or, e.g. into sarcasm. Calling it "repetition for repetition's sake" is a presumption as to Nossa's intentions.

Surely you wouldn't argue that poetry need be straightforward linear exposition - or linear at all?

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No, not at all. But repetition is redundant and we usually correct for redundancy. Eliminating it usually makes it more elegant.

An interesting question about the difference between the nature of a song and a poem. I've given this some thought but have never reached solid conclusions. One thought is that poetry used to be oral, and so there was no diference between song and a poem. The act of writing it on a page changed certain things. Are the chorus repetitions in song a parallel reflection (if that makes sense) of the musical cycles/returns? I'm not sure. If so, then it wouldn't be necessary in a written art form. If anyone has thoughts on this I would be interested in their opinions. But like I said, the repetitions are more a personal preference.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AuntShecky

No, I meant, why do we say "out loud," when it's just as
quick to say "aloud"? Does the "out" intensify it?

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Oh I see. I don't know why, but it does seem to intensify it.

Wow! I sure never thought a poem I write would lead to such discussion...lol
Anyways, I wanna clear something up, I write what sounds right to me...I don't know if this is right, but this is poetry to me. So if it's 'out loud', 'spears' or repeating and then finding out that removing the repitition sounds better, it's all about how I feel the poem that I wrote. If I don't feel anything when re-reading my poem, then I've done a lousy job.
I'm glad you guys seem to find it a good and interesting poem, and even worthy of such a great discussion...:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nossa

Wow! I sure never thought a poem I write would lead to such discussion...lol
Anyways, I wanna clear something up, I write what sounds right to me...I don't know if this is right, but this is poetry to me. So if it's 'out loud', 'spears' or repeating and then finding out that removing the repitition sounds better, it's all about how I feel the poem that I wrote. If I don't feel anything when re-reading my poem, then I've done a lousy job.
I'm glad you guys seem to find it a good and interesting poem, and even worthy of such a great discussion...:D

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I think you've got most of the right answer. If you didn't believe in it as you were writing it, what good would it have been to you? But surely it's not the whole answer. For instance, don't we all sound great when we sing in the shower? And there is justification enough in that we get pleasure out of doing it. But until we risk singing in front of one or more people, we don't really know if our singing is any good.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

I think you've got most of the right answer. If you didn't believe in it as you were writing it, what good would it have been to you? But surely it's not the whole answer. For instance, don't we all sound great when we sing in the shower? And there is justification enough in that we get pleasure out of doing it. But until we risk singing in front of one or more people, we don't really know if our singing is any good.

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Yeah, I understand what you're saying. That's exactly why I'm sharing my poems and short stories. I wanna know if they're any good. I'm singing out of the shower, so to speak :lol: