Ticket for a quest (new poem, comments?)

edit: there's a revised version with some additions on page 2 (word document).....Please read the revised version first. grrr WORD is playing tricks on me. If you have trouble opening the attachment, PM me and I'll try to send it to you by e-mail or something





Blurred colours swish by,
slowly gain edges as the carousel stops
pink horses, fire engines and giant swans
there’s a scramble, people rushing to pick their car.
I hang back by the popcorn stand and wonder
“Should I take a ride?”

A horse has four legs, a chair is for sitting
and if you piece enough of these tiny
bricks of meaning together,
you’ll understand.............. MAN.
or so the Greeks said,
but it seems they forgot about the mortar,
and what shape the edifice should be.

I still hang back and shuffle.
Everyone’s packed their suitcase
and gone on a journey, a long holiday,
at the resort of self-searchers,
free towels included,
to find this thing of which they don’t know what it is
but are sure must be there.
And they tell me I must come along,
but at best, I can manage a quest for a quest,
a walk to the station to buy a ticket, if you will,
but I don’t think I wanna go,
maybe I’ve already been there.

Maybe I found myself in a saggy extra bed in London,
2 a.m. at the hotel, after a dinner of organic yoghurt and melons
and my not so bright friend’s insomniac monologues:
different types of cancer, studied them all when grandpa died,
can you love two men at a time,
this is where the trialogue began
S.: “No! Make up your mind.”
Me: “Sure, why not? Love is an emotion.”
My friend: “I love him, but I admire the other.”
If and but and should I and then on to the issue of cats
and mums and regimented life in villages
in general and in particular, hers, but she wouldn’t
want to live in a city, because of “the anonymous life”,
which she spotted in the shape of an old lady,
from the window of a coach the minute
we entered London.
Because the lady was old, she must be lonely,
and because she’s lonely the city is baaaaaaaaaad.
I tucked up the sheets. At least these nightly contemplations
did not involve beauty products.
Why is it everyone talks about hair spray on a Geography trip
when they should be……….
“They’ve got All You Can Eat at Pizza Hut!”
“I want to buy this wicked top, can we go to Camden tomorrow?”
“How many brothers do you have?”
“Eheeehhhaaahaaa”
”Aaaargh, 25 Geographers and no-one
made any observations!”
Quote: exasperated prof swigging coffee in a park on the Thames.
Maybe one of the times I found myself
was in in a sagging extra bed at 2 a.m.,
for the sake of laughter-lined professor eyes squinting at the Heathrow planes
that crossed the bluest sky England’s had in a hundred years,
“There’s one every minute.”
I woke up at 2 and the yellow light between my eyes was
competing with that of the street lamp. Sirens. Dustbins.
I knew.
Myself is what’s left
when all the other options don’t work.

I'd eliminate one of the conversations, maybe

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

“They’ve got All You Can Eat at Pizza Hut!”
“I want to buy this wicked top, can we go to Camden tomorrow?”
“How many brothers do you have?”
“Eheeehhhaaahaaa”
”Aaaargh, 25 Geographers and no-one
made any observations!”

---

The sooner to get to this blunt, stunning conclusion:

Quote:

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Myself is what’s left
when all the other options don’t work.

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But everything before and after that conversation is raw and compelling.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

I'd eliminate one of the conversations, maybe



The sooner to get to this blunt, stunning conclusion:



But everything before and after that conversation is raw and compelling.

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thanks, Prince.
I'll think about it... but this conversation has a purpose, i.e. to illustrate the pointless prattle some people talk all day... it's meant to be pointless :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

thanks, Prince.
I'll think about it... but this conversation has a purpose, i.e. to illustrate the pointless prattle some people talk all day... it's meant to be pointless :)

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Yes, but one had got the idea of the pointlessness of life from several other lines in the poem.

I thought this was amazing. It was rambling, but I hung on every word and I thought it was so incredibly powerful. From the beginning I knew it would be about your inner strength when you were watching everyone else ride the carrousel, but it was much better than I could have expected. I could hear you standing inside of imaginary walls looking out at how worked up people become over the most futile and insignificant matters so that it comes down to just you standing there with any since of reality at all.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by motherhubbard

I thought this was amazing. It was rambling, but I hung on every word and I thought it was so incredibly powerful. From the beginning I knew it would be about your inner strength when you were watching everyone else ride the carrousel, but it was much better than I could have expected. I could hear you standing inside of imaginary walls looking out at how worked up people become over the most futile and insignificant matters so that it comes down to just you standing there with any since of reality at all.

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thanks mother H, I'm glad you like it :)

I think this is great Sleepy, it really pulls the reader along with vivid imagery. There's a typo in 'fire engines' in the first line (needs an 'e' - don't we all!) but other than that I have no criticisms at all. I loved these parts :

Quote:

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Everyone’s packed their suitcase
and gone on a journey, a long holiday,
at the resort of self-searchers,
free towels included,
to find this thing of which they don’t know what it is
but are sure must be there.

---

Quote:

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which she spotted in the shape of an old lady,
from the window of a coach the minute
we entered London.
Because the lady was old, she must be lonely,

---

Quote:

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for the sake of laughter-lined professor eyes squinting at the Heathrow planes
that crossed the bluest sky England’s had in a hundred years,
“There’s one every minute.”

---

and the ending really whams it home.

I can see what PM is saying about perhaps cutting one of the conversations but I'm not sure I would. Sure, it's rambling but I think that's the point, isn't it?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheFifthElement

I think this is great Sleepy, it really pulls the reader along with vivid imagery. There's a typo in 'fire engines' in the first line (needs an 'e' - don't we all!) but other than that I have no criticisms at all. I loved these parts :

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thanks :) trust word to 'correct' a lot of words that have nothing wrong with them but miss the fire engins

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheFifthElement

I can see what PM is saying about perhaps cutting one of the conversations but I'm not sure I would. Sure, it's rambling but I think that's the point, isn't it?

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how about if I do it this way (the red lines are the ones to be cut out)

Why is it everyone talks about hair spray on a Geography trip
when they should be……….
“They’ve got All You Can Eat at Pizza Hut!”
“I want to buy this wicked top, can we go to Camden tomorrow?”
“How many brothers do you have?”
“Eheeehhhaaahaaa”
”Aaaargh, 25 Geographers and no-one
made any observations!”
Quote: exasperated prof swigging coffee in a park on the Thames.

I'll cut out the stupid students' babble, but the prof needs to be mentioned before he crops up in the ending, doesn't he???

Sleepy, I love this. I enjoyed every word and it all seems to work to me. Thanks for sharing it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Granny5

Sleepy, I love this. I enjoyed every word and it all seems to work to me. Thanks for sharing it.

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thanks granny :) Happy Birthday to you, by the way.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

how about if I do it this way (the red lines are the ones to be cut out)

Why is it everyone talks about hair spray on a Geography trip
when they should be……….
“They’ve got All You Can Eat at Pizza Hut!”
“I want to buy this wicked top, can we go to Camden tomorrow?”
“How many brothers do you have?”
“Eheeehhhaaahaaa”
”Aaaargh, 25 Geographers and no-one
made any observations!”
Quote: exasperated prof swigging coffee in a park on the Thames.

I'll cut out the stupid students' babble, but the prof needs to be mentioned before he crops up in the ending, doesn't he???

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I think that's got to be up to you Sleepy, you're the poet, what works for you? Personally I'm not sure I would cut anything. I like the prof, he seems kinda sweet, it's the laughter lines that does it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheFifthElement

I like the prof, he seems kinda sweet, it's the laughter lines that does it.

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:D I'm glad you like him. he is really sweet, but also strict in a very funny way :) I'm glad I managed to convey the sweet aspect :)

*shameless pushing* (it's not gonna stay on top of the list for long anyway, what with so many great new poems floating around)

shameless indeed!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheFifthElement

shameless indeed!

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hahah :) you've just helped me ;)

I know, we could keep this up for days ;)

Having re-read it since t was editted, I found myself gripped by it all over again but was especially enthralled with:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

Maybe I found myself in a saggy extra bed in London,
2 a.m. at the hotel, after a dinner of organic yoghurt and melons
and my not so bright friend’s insomniac monologues:
different types of cancer, studied them all when grandpa died,
can you love two men at a time,
this is where the trialogue began
S.: “No! Make up your mind.”
Me: “Sure, why not? Love is an emotion.”
My friend: “I love him, but I admire the other.”
If and but and should I and then on to the issue of cats
and mums and regimented life in villages
in general and in particular, hers, but she wouldn’t
want to live in a city, because of “the anonymous life”,
which she spotted in the shape of an old lady,
from the window of a coach the minute
we entered London.

---

A whiff of Prufrock in there, which is not to say it's derivative in the least. But this time around I find that the more openly confiding quality of

Quote:

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I knew.
Myself is what’s left
when all the other options don’t work.

---

comes somewhat quickly at me. The one who speaks these lines is presumably she who narrated the rest of this but hitherto she did so as a somewhat detached observer with a skeptical eye but little that I discerned of her own interior.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

A whiff of Prufrock in there, which is not to say it's derivative in the least.

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heehee, I've got no idea who Prufrock was or is and have never read anything by him(?), so, nope, it's not derivative.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

comes somewhat quickly at me. The one who speaks these lines is presumably she who narrated the rest of this but hitherto she did so as a somewhat detached observer with a skeptical eye but little that I discerned of her own interior.

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ok.. I see what you mean... is it a major flaw?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

heehee, I've got no idea who Prufrock was or is and have never read anything by him(?), so, nope, it's not derivative.

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http://www.bartleby.com/198/1.html has so infected or influenced English poetry since it was written that even without having read or heard it, you have heard it! But would that you could experience it for the first time in my proud imitation of the way Eliot reads it, that is, as if he were utterly bored by it! C'mon, phone me & I will read it to you.

Quote:

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ok.. I see what you mean... is it a major flaw?

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Given the weight of those lines, yes, I think it is a big flaw, in that a) we are not really prepared to take those lines in as we should and b) they make one wonder if one had misread all of what came before it.

(But look! I've done my part at returning your poem to the head of the queue.)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

http://www.bartleby.com/198/1.html has so infected or influenced English poetry since it was written that even without having read or heard it, you have heard it! But would that you could experience it for the first time in my proud imitation of the way Eliot reads it, that is, as if he were utterly bored by it! C'mon, phone me & I will read it to you.





Given the weight of those lines, yes, I think it is a big flaw, in that a) we are not really prepared to take those lines in as we should and b) they make one wonder if one had misread all of what came before it.

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thanks for the link :)

Oh gosh, I'm really worried now: I understand a) but b)??? how do you read all of what came before? and in what way does it not fit together with the last two lines? sorry to bother you :(
oh my, I can see a lot of work in my future *runs away in the opposite direction*

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

thanks for the link :)

Oh gosh, I'm really worried now: I understand a) but b)??? how do you read all of what came before? and in what way does it not fit together with the last two lines? sorry to bother you :(
oh my, I can see a lot of work in my future *runs away in the opposite direction*

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Essentially I read the voice that precedes those final lines as that of a somewhat disinterested observer... (note: "disinterested" before it became synonymous with uninterested) She is with that group but not 100% of them. The end suggests to me that she has been more involved with them than I had thought - and in need of dissociating herself from them.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

Essentially I read the voice that precedes those final lines as that of a somewhat disinterested observer... (note: "disinterested" before it became synonymous with uninterested) She is with that group but not 100% of them. The end suggests to me that she has been more involved with them than I had thought - and in need of dissociating herself from them.

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ok.. I see what you mean... if by 'involved' you mean affected (annoyed) by their 'blahblah' and trying to connect with them somehow you're perfectly right...
I'll see what I can come up with, would 2 lines be enough or do I have to write about the narrators feelings throughout the poem?

ok.. I've added some (lots of) lines and did some visual re-arranging (I hope I'll be able to do it the same way here as in word). This makes the poem even longer, and they're only a first draft, but I hope I'm heading in the right direction. (I've marked the additions in blue).
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, it's not working. I'll try and attach it as a word document. hope you guys can open it.
latest edit: I cut out the Greeks :)
PS: if the last but one stanza looks weird, that's intentional, those bold lines in "..." are meant to float around the others

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

ok.. I see what you mean... if by 'involved' you mean affected (annoyed) by their 'blahblah' and trying to connect with them somehow you're perfectly right...
I'll see what I can come up with, would 2 lines be enough or do I have to write about the narrators feelings throughout the poem?

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Couldn't access the attachment, but any one early, brief revelation of the narrator as a person with a question on her mind might suffice to set us up for those powerful end lines.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

Couldn't access the attachment, but any one early, brief revelation of the narrator as a person with a question on her mind might suffice to set us up for those powerful end lines.

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damn, it opens perfectly fine on my comp... grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm really pissed of with WORD now. :mad: :rage:

What a wild ride of a poem this is. :) It was enjoyable. Sorry I don't have the time for more details. You know, I bet Jon would like this. It seems like his type of poetry. Very good Sleepy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Virgil

What a wild ride of a poem this is. :) It was enjoyable. Sorry I don't have the time for more details. You know, I bet Jon would like this. It seems like his type of poetry. Very good Sleepy.

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thanks Uncle Virg. were you able to open the new version (attachment)? ^^^^
or did you read the one in my first post?
thanks for your comment.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

thanks Uncle Virg. were you able to open the new version (attachment)? ^^^^
or did you read the one in my first post?
thanks for your comment.

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I read both, but I didn't notice much of a difference until the end. I read the second one much faster so I couldn't tell you which I preferred. The first one seemed good to me.

SHAMELESS PUSHING :D
seeing as mr blp is around and this is the kind of poem he likes, I thought I'd kick it to the top :)

the revised version can be found (please read this one, not the one on the first page)
here

Blurred colours swish by,
slowly gain edges as the carousel stops
pink horses, fire engines and giant swans
there’s a scramble, people rushing to pick up their car.
I hang back by the popcorn stand and wonder
“Should I take a ride?”

I still hang back and shuffle.don't see the use of this line
Everyone’s packed their suitcase
and gone on a journey, a long holiday,
at the resort of self-searchers,
free towels included,
to find this thing of which they don’t know what it isI always had trouble with this line. Replacing "of" with a comma would take it a touch less klutzy
but are sure must be there.
And they tell me I must come along,
but at best, I can manage a quest for a quest,The internal rhyme sounds tinkley
a walk to the station to buy a ticket, if you will,
but I don’t think I want to go,
maybe I’ve already been there.

Maybe I found myself in a saggy extra bed in London,
2 a.m. at the hotel, after a dinner of organic yoghurt and melons
and my not so bright friend’s insomniac monologues:
different types of cancer, studied them all when grandpa died,
can you love two men at a time,
this is where the trialogue began
S.: “No! Make up your mind.”
Me: “Sure, why not? Love is an emotion.”
My friend: “I love him, but I admire the other.”
If and but and should I and then on to the issue of cats
and mums and regimented life in villages
in general and in particular, hers, but she wouldn’t
want to live in a city, because of “the anonymous life”,
which she spottedI'd replace "spotted" with identified in the shape of an old lady,
from the window of a coach the minute
we entered London.
Because the lady was old, she must be lonely,
and because she’s lonely the city is baaaaaaaaaad.
I tucked up the sheets. At least these nightly contemplations
did not involve beauty products.Delete everything from "At least to the period. It's getting to sound both chatty & self-undulgent
Why is it everyone talks about hair spray on a Geography trip
when they should be……….

“They’ve got All You Can Eat at Pizza Hut!”
“I want to buy this wicked top,” there should be a line-break hereI tried to keep off their improvised unconscious stage,
but an unanswered question, “How many brothers do you have?”
“can we go to Camden tomorrow?” will hover and sulk till your arms
begin to slither and your head to
twitch like a whole flock of chickens’“Eheeehhhaaahaaa”
heads thrown sideways by every cluck .
“Erhem”
So I played my part and delivered
all the rehearsed lines on the right cues, mostly,
at Kew Gardens, sunshine and good sandwiches, Fleet Street,
Golders Green, Wimbledon Police, loo closed due to vandalism,
DLR, the Strand with brief-cases and suits hurrying by.
But it turned out I’m not an actress, too well-rehearsed or not
enough, the same lines that bubble like gum from their lips.

”Aaaargh, 25 Geographers and no-one
made any observations!”
Quote: exasperated prof swigging coffee in a park on the Thames.
Maybe one of the times I found myself
was in a sagging extra bed at 2 a.m.,
for the sake of laughter-lined professor eyes squinting at the Heathrow planes
that crossed the bluest sky England’s had in a hundred years,
“There’s one every minute.”
I woke up at 2 and the yellow light between my eyes wasshift "was" to the beginningof the next line
competing with that of the street lamp. Sirens. Dustbins.
I knew.
Myself is what’s left
when all the other options don’t work.

I confess to never having been partial to irregular margins and I derived nothing here from your floating lines. The poem is already (of necessity) somewhat spacey so this additional bit of typographic innovation just confused me.

Cool :)