funny things your teachers said

grrr, i tried to create this thread a minute ago but my computer overheated and switched itself off...:crash:

when i was in primary school our R.E. teacher made us sing this hymn one day. it had lots of quaint old words in it. there was a line that went like this "God envelops my soul in *QUAINT WORD*". so we asked her what it means and she said "porridge" (oatmeal). Whaaaat? God envelops my soul in porridge and this is supposed to be a consoling message? I don't think so, thanks a lot.

do you have any anecdotes about your teachers? e.g. when they taught you something that turned out to be completely wrong or any funny quirks they have?

The teacher moment that first sprang to mind was when I was about seven years old and my first grade teacher killed the word "nice." She sat us down in a circle and told us that the word "nice" was no longer going to be used in our compositions. She then proceeded to tell us how to envision, step by step, that she had stabbed the word "nice," watched it take its last breath and expire, dug a hole and buried the word eight feet down, and placed a grave marker that read "here lies nice." Evidently using this word in our written work ever again would be nearly as unnatural as raising the dead. I suppose she was just trying to cure us of using the word too much and encourage the use of other adjectives, but the incident made such a deep impression upon my childish mind that to this day I go to great lengths to avoid using the word "nice" in my papers and I still am occasionally haunted by the image of a tombstone when using the word. :lol:

My geometry teacher is crazy. He makes weird noises and sings while erasing the board. Car noises, whistling, farting, popping sounds, you name it. He's hilarious!

my teacher was talking about the climax for the plot, he said, "after the climax of a movie, comes great pleasure." then he closed his eyes and whispered, "oh Sh--, that came out wrong."

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Originally Posted by Bakiryu

My geometry teacher is crazy. He makes weird noises and sings while erasing the board. Car noises, whistling, farting, popping sounds, you name it. He's hilarious!

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heheehe, does he realize he does it or is he so scatterbrain he's not aware of it?

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Originally Posted by the silent x

my teacher was talking about the climax for the plot, he said, "after the climax of a movie, comes great pleasure." then he closed his eyes and whispered, "oh Sh--, that came out wrong."

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:lol: you had me laughing out loud :)

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Originally Posted by Petrarch's Love

The teacher moment that first sprang to mind was when I was about seven years old and my first grade teacher killed the word "nice." She sat us down in a circle and told us that the word "nice" was no longer going to be used in our compositions. She then proceeded to tell us how to envision, step by step, that she had stabbed the word "nice," watched it take its last breath and expire, dug a hole and buried the word eight feet down, and placed a grave marker that read "here lies nice." Evidently using this word in our written work ever again would be nearly as unnatural as raising the dead. I suppose she was just trying to cure us of using the word too much and encourage the use of other adjectives, but the incident made such a deep impression upon my childish mind that to this day I go to great lengths to avoid using the word "nice" in my papers and I still am occasionally haunted by the image of a tombstone when using the word.

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:sick: I had a teacher like that in primary school. She tried to cure me of using the word "sweet" (which I never used in writing anyway). we had this stupid session where every kid had to tell the others what they did over the weekend. so I said, I was in the garden and I saw a bumblebee and it was really sweet. so the teacher was like "Did you taste it?". She said that whenever I talked about "sweet" animals. It's rubbish really, because in German it's perfectly O.K. to call cute things "sweet", it's got nothing to do with tasting sweet (except it's the same word, just like in English) and I never used it in written essays, so w.t.f???

here's another one, about my geography teacher having trouble pronouncing "cotton" (this was in high school, about a year before my A-levels).
we were learning about the Southern U.S. and my teacher tried to explain to us that they used to grow a lot of cotton down there. In German cotton is called Baumwolle, literally: tree wool. so he has his first go at it:
"they used to grow a lot of Baumwälder (tree woods).." ... second go: "they used to grow a lot of Baumwälle (tree walls), eh, Baumwollwälder (tree wool woods), err Baumfelle (tree furs)!"
he gave it up after that. I still call cotton "tree furs" today :) when I want to buy clothes I check the labels and ask my friend or whoever's shopping with me: "is it made from tree furs??" or when there's a pic of cotton fields in a travel guide I'll say "Aw, look at all these lovely tree furs!"

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

heheehe, does he realize he does it or is he so scatterbrain he's not aware of it?

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I think he does in on purpose, either than or he has Tourette's!

Well today this really funny thing happened. or maybe it's just a stupid thing that's funny to me.

My history teacher in an effort to discourage note passing in class read notes out loud, so he sees me madly scribbling in a piece of paper.

He jumps, takes it away from me and begins to read OUTLOUD "the meaning of life~" The stops and just stares at the paper like "What the heck?"


I just burst out laughing :lol: :lol: :lol:

The teacher didn't say this, but in drama class, we had a couple of students who had little brothers and sisters. One, in particular, (her name was Chelsea) had a brother in first grade whom she always picked up from the elementary building. (Our campus is HUGE, we're on 100 acres, for Kindergarten through 12th grade) Anyway, she waltzed in late one day and suddenly, one kid asks, "where's your brother, Eli?" She totally spazzes and and says, "OH, SH--! I FORGOT MY BROTHER!!" IT sounded like forgetting your binder, or leaving your purse in your last class, though.

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Originally Posted by Petrarch's Love

The teacher moment that first sprang to mind was when I was about seven years old and my first grade teacher killed the word "nice." She sat us down in a circle and told us that the word "nice" was no longer going to be used in our compositions. She then proceeded to tell us how to envision, step by step, that she had stabbed the word "nice," watched it take its last breath and expire, dug a hole and buried the word eight feet down, and placed a grave marker that read "here lies nice." Evidently using this word in our written work ever again would be nearly as unnatural as raising the dead. I suppose she was just trying to cure us of using the word too much and encourage the use of other adjectives, but the incident made such a deep impression upon my childish mind that to this day I go to great lengths to avoid using the word "nice" in my papers and I still am occasionally haunted by the image of a tombstone when using the word. :lol:

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LOL my teacher wasn't as graphic but I have the same bias against words like good and nice, because I was taught that they're too wide and at the same time too vague to be used in serious writing :lol:

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Originally Posted by Koa

LOL my teacher wasn't as graphic but I have the same bias against words like good and nice, because I was taught that they're too wide and at the same time too vague to be used in serious writing :lol:

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I had a teacher that did soething of that sort, except with the words "um" and "like" (that is, the word "like" used as a verbal pause). Almost every girl had a problem with this. A few of them would use either of them two or three times in a single sentence!

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Originally Posted by the silent x

my teacher was talking about the climax for the plot, he said, "after the climax of a movie, comes great pleasure." then he closed his eyes and whispered, "oh Sh--, that came out wrong."

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OMG!!!! God thats hilarious!

My Pre-calc/trig teacher always sang during lectures or hummed when we were working. One time this kid was sharpening his pencil in the middle of lecture, so out of nowhere she began to sing "grind, grind, grind that pencil lead!" In the tune of "Row, row row your boat..." Wow it was funny. She came up with soooooo many crazy songs.

My physics teacher told us a valuable lesson...don't shoot the people you like with a paintball...because its going to hit them in the eye and you will be in jail for a very long time.

In my ROTC class, our teacher asked us where one of our students was. The commander(senior) told him he was off at war fighting the sea of freshman. Our teacher said, "Ok, just don't let the dogs get him" and then he walked out and let us watch the Colbert Report. Best day ever. OH! I was vaccuming the trophy room in the ROTC building when I see this HUGE spider behind one of the trophies. Well, I didn't know how to work the hose component of the vaccum so I asked Sarge. He came over and showed me and then I told him that there was a spider and I didn't want to step on it. So he says "OH BOY! I love watching spider sucking up!" So I sucked up the spider and he says "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WE GOT HIM!" It was so funny...oh and he was on all fours looking at the spider. Best class ever!

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Originally Posted by Bakiryu

My geometry teacher is crazy. He makes weird noises and sings while erasing the board. Car noises, whistling, farting, popping sounds, you name it. He's hilarious!

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:lol: I love those kinds of teachers. The wacky ones.

It's IMPOSSIBLE to repeat one funny thing my Biology teacher said because he says something side-splitting every few seconds. He has a crush on every girl he sees and he's just so FREAKING FUNNY.

And the class is so uncensored. I love it. I wish he was my daddy.

And he's SPUD! :banana:

I bet he's my real father since he looks like me more than my "dad". :lol:

My favorite teacher had a thing for jumping on the taby when people were sleeping during class. He was an ex-marine, and he was always telling us some crazy and gory story to go with our history lesson. I remember one time we were talking about the kings of England, and some of the history. He gets off on this tangent about some of the tortures they used back in the day, and starts talking about shoving red hot pokers up someone's bum and all. It was really fun to go to class, especially when he explained what really happened to people when impaled by Vlad the impaler:D I miss his class, but I don't think I remember a bit of real history. My head is full of the crazy stories he told.

My English teacher produced quite a few nice quotes, among which is my all-time-favourite: "I am going to ask you questions - the right questions are more important than the wrong answers ! I don´t want ANY answers!" which she uttered just before our 'school leaving examination'.


A rather confusing incident happened a few years ago when one of my tutors in roman law suddenly set eyes upon me and asked the horrific question "What was the last thing you bought?"
I had no idea what I had last bought but he obviously wanted an answer, so I said "Milk".
He (kindly): "Milk? I don't believe that."
"Err. But it was milk."
“I really don't believe that.“ He was now talking in a fatherly kind of tone, still smiling and obviously waiting for me to catch on. Which I didn't. So, after a few seconds of silence he asked again: "Well, what was it?"
"Milk!"
"But that's not, what was written on it [the carton of milk], is it?"
“Yes!"
“No, I don't believe that."
“But that's what's written on it!" I was starting to get mildly offended, mostly, I admit, by my own lack of understanding and his lack of ability to speak clearly.
"Where do you shop?"
"At "Spar"." (A supermarket chain)
(After a pause) "Still. I assure you 'milk' is not what's written there [on a carton of milk]."
“Well, excuse me, but that is what's written there. At the top."

Another pause followed. A long pause. After which I finally realized he wanted me to specify what kind of milk (low fat, fat free, etc) I had bought and so very cleverly point out what a 'genus' (category) is. But, oh, I wish he had taken another student!
Nowadays I avoid having a front-row seat as much as I can.

Algebra teach: "I'm fat, ugly, and mean...that's why my wife left me, so do you really think i care what you say?"

history teach: "Abe Lincoln once said, 'If was 2 faced, then why would i be wearing this one?' I wouldn't wear his either."

Favorite teacher quote of today- My dance teacher said " I don't want to say walk like a slut..... (two girls whisper to the side and teacher hears) that's exactly right! Walk like a model on crack!"

I once had a teacher who we (the class) liked to disobey. We would act up in her class all the time and she would get real mad, but we kept doing it because she was funny when she got mad. Anyway, some kid was giving her a line of crap and she got real mad and said, "Balderdash."

This was funny because it's such an outdated word and nobody says balderdash, and it had no impact whatsoever, expect maybe to make us break out in giggles.

My old prealgebra teacher used to call me "Shallot" because I memorized "The Lady of Shallot" and he used to think he was so freaking funny! he'd say "is it sha-little or sha-lot?" and whenever I annoyed him, he'd tell me to go back to my tower.
Another kid had the last name Strobel, and he called him 'Strobadelic" and he turned "Strobadelic" into an adjective.
And one kid who looked like Ellijah Wood (Lord of the Rings), he called Hobbit.
One kid he called "moose", because this guy was TALL.
And for some unknown reason, he called one of my friends, whi stands at four feet eleven inches, Snowflake. I have no idea...

That's so weird Anza.

For some reason people give me weird nicknames which are usually masculine. I go by the names Jin or Ed (Edward). Last year I was "Mercutio", Now they're calling me Shakespeare, I swear I will strangle the first person to call me Romeo, but I like the name Tybalt.

My best friend read the novel Jonathan Strange and Mr.Norrel, so now I'm Jon.

My mum calls me Molly and Jess, My dad calls me Jason, Jasse, or Champ.
Why????!!

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Originally Posted by Anza

My old prealgebra teacher used to call me "Shallot" because I memorized "The Lady of Shallot" and he used to think he was so freaking funny! he'd say "is it sha-little or sha-lot?" and whenever I annoyed him, he'd tell me to go back to my tower.
Another kid had the last name Strobel, and he called him 'Strobadelic" and he turned "Strobadelic" into an adjective.
And one kid who looked like Ellijah Wood (Lord of the Rings), he called Hobbit.
One kid he called "moose", because this guy was TALL.
And for some unknown reason, he called one of my friends, whi stands at four feet eleven inches, Snowflake. I have no idea...

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he sounds like a real toolbox

My current english teacher once said this:

"...be brief. But... there's a but. (butt)"

and all the blue-witted youngsters burst out into wild laughter :-p

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Originally Posted by Bakiryu

That's so weird Anza.

For some reason people give me weird nicknames which are usually masculine. I go by the names Jin or Ed (Edward). Last year I was "Mercutio", Now they're calling me Shakespeare, I swear I will strangle the first person to call me Romeo, but I like the name Tybalt.

My best friend read the novel Jonathan Strange and Mr.Norrel, so now I'm Jon.

My mum calls me Molly and Jess, My dad calls me Jason, Jasse, or Champ.
Why????!!

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poor Romeo! :D

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Originally Posted by Themis

My English teacher produced quite a few nice quotes, among which is my all-time-favourite: "I am going to ask you questions - the right questions are more important than the wrong answers ! I don´t want ANY answers!" which she uttered just before our 'school leaving examination'.

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:???: this is soo cool :)


here's another one about my other geography teacher, a lady this time, not the one with the cotton tree furs.
my brother had this teacher too and one day they talk about Spain. there was this guy (let's call him Freddy) in his class who was very smart but looked really sleepy and dopey most of the time.
teacher: What do they grow in Spain?
class: *silence*
teacher: Come on, you know this, you can see huge fields of it!
Freddy [totally out of the blue]: Cannabis.
teacher: Yes, Freddy, exactly. Canola [oil seed rape]!

another time in my class, she said something that isn't funny at all, but it sounded so funny back then, everybody laughed out loud and she didn't get why
teacher: Plantation owners [in the "developing countries"]are expected to comply to certain environmental standards today. So what some of them do is they build a token habitat at one end of the planatation for birds who don't wanna live there anyway."
class: :lol:

another time she asked: "what can you make from coconuts"
pupil1: butter
pupil 2: straw mats
etc
Sleepy whispers to her neighbour: "Bras"
teacher: "Sleepy, what did you say? I know it's correct, come on spit it out!"
sleepy: "no, it was just nonsense"
teacher: "Come on, don't be shy!"
Sleepy: "No!"
teacher: "I'll give you a can of tofu if you tell us."
she still owes me that can of tofu. I'll be sure to remind her about it if/when I see her again.

I had a grade -6 teacher we called "banlag" which roughly translates to "lazy-eyed" or "somewhat blind..." and she was the most annoying teacher we ever had. We were an unruly class so we throw things at her, from Gobstoppers (candy) to chalk to erasers and one time we even threw mongo seeds at her... The funny thing is, when we hit her, she wouldn't get angry but if we missed and hit the blackboard she would say " What is throwing this?" instead of "who"... hahaha... we were really rowdy with her... it was a Chinese class and when we were reading something but didn't know how to read it, what we'd do was replace the word with a *tuut* sound.. like the ones they use when they censor words... it was hilarious

"Everyone believes you when you rush in with an axe in your back"
"Germans use so long sentences that the verbs come in the second volume"
"Kant is difficult. I don't understand him too. But you have to!"
New year, after winter holidays: "Where were we last year? Don't remember? Okay, a more wider question. What subject do we have?"
Philosophy teacher

"Grading happens so - fours and fives, (A-s and B-s in Estonian grading system), now we subtract the taxes, threes and twos (C,D, E)"
"Science is the satisfaction of personal curiosity using the money of the state"
"Practice makes practicer"
"Measure the length of the candle flame from aside, or else we will get a new schoolhouse again."
"When a nuclear bomb explodes, take a white sheet and start walking towards the graveyard- you see, gamma rays will reflect off the sheet. But still go to the graveyard, since it won't help anyway."
"Statistics is like a miniskirt -promises a lot, but doesn't actually show anything."
Physics teacher.

"And then Death will come with...you know... hammer and sickle!"

Literature teacher


and many, many more.We had quite a lot of very cool teachers.

"Black is quite black since the stage is so black."
(That was our music teacher wondering whether the choir could dress in black or not)

Me and my friend actually used to write down all the hilarious things that our geography teacher said, and there were quite a lot of them. Most of them wouldn't work in English, so I won't even try to translate them. Some of them were so random, that I still have no idea, what she was trying to say :D

Now that I've started studying in the university, I have some new teachers that say really funny things. Maybe I'll write some of them here later, if I can remember them long enough :lol:

My Geometry always used to joke he was going to write a book about the weird things people said on class.

With over 2 chapters about yours truly.

It was going to be named after the question that began everything "Why do men have nipples?"

Okay I finally got one from T-Rex, my Bio teacher. Not the funniest, but then again that class is so uncensored I really can't repeat a lot of the hilarious things he says here. :p

There was this deal today that if this one kid got an A+ on the test we took we'd all get doughnuts courtesy of T-Rex. This one kid said,

"Oh! Get ones from Ralph's! They're the best!"

And T-Rex says,

"I don't shop at supermarkets where they're named after a way of throwing up."



We're not gunna get the doughtnuts, by the way. :lol:

But seriously, this guy is the funniest teacher ever. I cry from laughing so hard in his class.


Ooh, now that we're getting into nicknames, T-Rex also likes to give nicknames to people. My friend and I obviously gave him one. :D Anyways, he calls me "The French Girl", "Frenchie" or "Mimi" because two outta my three names are French and I said one time that I like the language a lot. I don't think he can pronounce my first name. :p

Other nicknames he's given people:
Big James
School Girl
Frank the Tank

And others...like Knuckle Sandwich. :p

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Originally Posted by Taliesin

"Everyone believes you when you rush in with an axe in your back"
"Germans use so long sentences that the verbs come in the second volume"
"Kant is difficult. I don't understand him too. But you have to!"
New year, after winter holidays: "Where were we last year? Don't remember? Okay, a more wider question. What subject do we have?"
Philosophy teacher

"Grading happens so - fours and fives, (A-s and B-s in Estonian grading system), now we subtract the taxes, threes and twos (C,D, E)"
"Science is the satisfaction of personal curiosity using the money of the state"
"Practice makes practicer"
"Measure the length of the candle flame from aside, or else we will get a new schoolhouse again."
"When a nuclear bomb explodes, take a white sheet and start walking towards the graveyard- you see, gamma rays will reflect off the sheet. But still go to the graveyard, since it won't help anyway."
"Statistics is like a miniskirt -promises a lot, but doesn't actually show anything."
Physics teacher.

"And then Death will come with...you know... hammer and sickle!"

Literature teacher


and many, many more.We had quite a lot of very cool teachers.

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:lol: I can't decide which quote I like best, they're all so funny

Miss Sanders (class 4A, nowadays yr 6)

"Use your gumption!"

Okay you guys, I saw the funniest thing done by a teacher. Yeah, it was T-Rex again.

So today he shows us The Wonderful World of Dung because it was in celebration of out test scores from yesterday, which obviously weren't the greatest. :lol: I was thrilled when I realized that Tony Robinson was the host. XD

Okay, to the point. We're watching the movie, and we get to the part with the hippos. Male hippos will er, poop as the wag their tail back and forth so their scent is spread around. So the movie is showing the rear end of a hippo doing this, and my teacher says, "Ohhhhh yeah! That feels GOOD! Oh! Ohhhh!" And he starts wiggling his butt around in the chair.

It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I will NEVER forget that. XD I nearly passed out from laughing so hard.

Okay, also today my English teacher was on a roll with the jokes. We're learning new words like we're supposed to in an English class, and one of the words is "pernicious". My teacher asks a girl to use the word in a sentence. She says,

"The pernicious snake bit the victim."

His response?

"What an asp." :D

What happened to this thread? :( It's such a joy to read the things teachers say.

Teachers say the darndest things!


T-Rex strikes again.

We were talking about cannibalism, and one kid said,

"Who would want to do such a thing?"

my teacher, being the wonderfully sick, twisted person that he is, raised his hand and said,

"What haven't you guys ever heard of Dahmer-nose pizza?"

We continued to talk about cannibalism, Jeffery Dahmer, and Hannibal Lecter. He said before he turned on the TV so we could watch a movie, in a really deep, creepy voice,

"Hello, Clarice."


BEST TEACHER EVER. I have never had a cooler teacher. And we actualyl learn things and GAH HE IS AWESOME. I always walk out of that classroom with a huge smile and a new joke to tell unless we have a sub and then I'm :(.

My geometry teacher strikes again.

Now, every time someone is half asleep on his class, he uncaps a sharpie, puts it next to your nose and says "Wanna smell my pen?"

(weirdo)

it's hilarious! :lol:

Are you on the pot? (read, "are you smoking marijuana?)

My English teacher at school was in the finest British tradition of being completely barmy.

I remember one class where we were reading Beowulf, and there was a gaggle of giggling girlies outside the window making a bit of a racket. So Mr. P_ jumps on top of his chair (he was about 60 years old) and starts bellowing Icelandinc curses at them.

They almost wet themselves with fright, and I almost fell off my chair laughing.

Also the most easily distracted teacher ever. If you wanted to talk about something other than what you were meant to be discussing, all you had to do was ask him how his bees were.

Then, get comfortable, because he would be off and running talking about his hives and his new queen and how he was looking forward to his new batch of honey.

Great guy. Mad as a brush, but great.

our teacher has us all in the computer lab and is making us have an online discussion about a book on the forums... during class... like right now... i don't understand... why can't we just like... talk to each other... i guess he likes us being antisocial or something.

We were discussing "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" (Ambrose Bierce) in class a few days ago, just talking about the "enhanced" senses of the main character as he "escaped" from being hanged. My teacher said, "Somebody must have spiked his cornflakes or something." I'm not sure where that ranks with what I've read in this topic, but I'll try to record more of the things he says during our discussions.

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Originally Posted by Dori

We were discussing "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" (Ambrose Bierce) in class a few days ago, just talking about the "enhanced" senses of the main character as he "escaped" from being hanged. My teacher said, "Somebody must have spiked his cornflakes or something." I'm not sure where that ranks with what I've read in this topic, but I'll try to record more of the things he says during our discussions.

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is that the one where this guy Farquart (sp?) falls off the bridge and remembers stories from his life and we don't realize he's dead till the end?

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

is that the one where this guy Farquart (sp?) falls off the bridge and remembers stories from his life and we don't realize he's dead till the end?

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Yes, it is.

math teacher in Gr 11 in reference to a new formula:
"now be weary of this one, its an odd little duck" :lol:

in gr 11 Chem while explaining how a bomb calorimeter works:
"now if we were to take Johns leg and break it off and stick it in here and blow it straight up..."
heh john was a student in the class it was quite funny at the time.

One day in chemistry some girl exclaimed, "this is gay!" My chem teacher responded, "I love doing gay things because they make me happy!"

My earth science teacher last year was well known for his mocking of Al Gore. "The dog peed in the house! It must be global warming!" Some more comments include "That's some gneiss schist," and something I've heard from several science teachers, "What are those? Hamburgers?" (when we forgot to label something).

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Originally Posted by Dori

One day in chemistry some girl exclaimed, "this is gay!" My chem teacher responded, "I love doing gay things because they make me happy!"

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I always say, "Is it a boy or a girl?" in response to that, (most people give me confused/angry looks) but that is much, much funnier.