Form Poem Contest

I've always wanted to try my hand at a ballad but have yet to be struck by a narrative idea to really utilize the form. My poetry seems to be drawn more towards dramatic monologues as of late, going so far as to write a kind of homage to My Last Duchess.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by YesNo

Five lilies bloomed beside the road
Where Thomas walked today.
On leaving home, his well-worn load
Of worries went his way.

One lily orangish in the light
The breeze began to stir.
His mind was darkened by some night.
He did not look at her.

Two others asked him softly why
He thought he had to go.
He thought he heard a wild bird cry,
But nothing seemed to show.

Martha knew why he was gone.
There’s nothing she can do.
What’s done is done. Life must go on.
One lily knew that, too.

The last reminded him there’s joy
Beneath the sorrow’s shade
To water any lonely boy
Whose path is fresh unmade.

The water comes from everywhere.
The lilies drink and shine.
The faithful sun shines here and there
And all can claim he’s mine.

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This is a superb poem, YesNo. Has strong echoes of Wordsworth's "I wandered lonely as a cloud." There are only two slightly sour moments. I don't like "nothing seemed to show." Perhaps something with the verb "low" (the sound of cows) to link with the "wild bird cry"? The other is "fresh unmade." Perhaps "now unmade" or "still unmade" or "soon unmade" or some variation? Otherwise it's excellent.

Thanks, MorpheusSandman. I agree. Those two parts seem wrong to me as well.

Edit: I made some modifications.

It's nearly perfect now, but I'd change "wants to fade" to "starts to fade" (wants suggest the sun has a choice in the matter). Otherwise, I love it. :)

BTW, let me single out this little part as a good example of a point I've repeatedly made:

"One lily orangish in the light
The breeze began to stir."

This is what's known as an "inversion" where, in this case, the object ("one lily") comes before the subject ("the breeze") and verb ("began to stir"); as well as placing the object ("one lily") before the adjective ("orangish"). It's considered "archaic" by today's standards and nearly universally reviled amongst contemporary poets. I've always said that inversions create a unique, unsettling effect when used at just the right moment in just the right context. Here, I think it's especially effective because this is precisely the moment in the poem were we get a "turn," a sense of something changing, and it's made all the more surprising because at the end of the first line we don't yet KNOW it's an inversion (so we initially assume "One lily" is the subject, before having that assumption subverted by the next line). So the fact that the inversion of syntax matches the turn of the structure, and that we FEEL this turn on an aesthetic level, is subtly masterful, and it's something you RARELY see today. So, well-done.

I might also mention that the one poem you didn't like, AE Stallings's "Like," mentioned inversions as one of the forms of artificial poetry that most contemporary poets hypocritically revile, but she was (implicitly) defending:

"Those poets who dislike
Inversions, archaisms, who just like
Plain English as she’s spoke — why isn’t “like”
Their (literally) every other word? I’d like
Us just to admit that’s what real speech is like."

Thanks again, MorpheusSandman.

It is interesting that I was thinking about "starts" as well when revising that line but put in "wants" just to give the Sun some choice. The lilies are communicating as well in the poem.

Generally I don't like inversions and the one you mentioned bothered me, but I thought it helped the weirdness of the scene where lilies were talking to Thomas. Saying that it was "unsettling" makes sense. I felt unsettled by it myself.

I agree with the subject matter of Stallings' poem and the part that you quoted. I just don't find the subject matter interesting enough for a poem. A short blog post? Fine.

You made a good point in another thread that even non-formalists write about stuff that doesn't matter. Probably all poets do. My knee-jerk reaction against formalism is that the subject matter is too often archaic (Greek and Roman Gods), political (usually conservative), and cute witticisms. On the other hand, I would be a formalist trying to define myself outside of that group. I have more of a need to differentiate myself from other formalists.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by YesNo

Generally I don't like inversions and the one you mentioned bothered me, but I thought it helped the weirdness of the scene where lilies were talking to Thomas. Saying that it was "unsettling" makes sense. I felt unsettled by it myself.

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I think of all poetic techniques as tools, and art is primarily knowing when to use what tool for what purpose. Thoughtless use of any tool, be it inversions or metaphors or imagery or anaphora, inevitably leads to bad poetry. Even great poets can fall into the habits of returning to certain techniques as if they're universally applicable; Whitman had a love for anaphora that bordered on fetishistic.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by YesNo

My knee-jerk reaction against formalism is that the subject matter is too often archaic (Greek and Roman Gods), political (usually conservative), and cute witticisms. On the other hand, I would be a formalist trying to define myself outside of that group. I have more of a need to differentiate myself from other formalists.

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Today, probably the most known poet writing about ancient subjects is Anne Carson; a non-formalist. Likewise, of the major 20th century formalist poets, none were entirely conservative (Auden was a communist, Yeats for Irish independence, Bishop and Merrill were apolitical, but closer to liberals; only Hill is kind of conservative, but there mostly in his religious beliefs, which he investigates more than blatantly promotes). Equating formalism with conservative ideology has more to do with equating formalism with pre-20th century poetry and finding most pre-20th century poetry conservative. This association hasn't really held in the 20th, where arguably the major conservative poet of the century was Eliot, who also happened to be one of the innovators of free-verse. Witticism I'll give you; formalism has always lent itself well to wit and aphorism, and, indeed, Auden, Bishop, and Merrill are witty; they could also be very serious, complex, and profound. Frankly, I think if you were going to introduce something new to formalism it would be the kind of imaginative improvisational approach that's common in, say, Ashbery. I've attempted this myself, and it's a difficult combination as it's hard to maintain formal control while giving yourself over to unconscious creativity.

The Ballad of the Woodsman

Long ago, on a cold summer night
Walking in the woods, dark and mossed
I met a dryad and at the first sight
My heart to her was forever lost.

Her hair was green, as were her eyes
That, meeting mine, imprisoned me.
My nymph and I, intertwined at thighs
I told her: like this I want forever be.

But she vanished to her forest home
And I was doomed by that one tryst,
To wondering under the green dome
With the memory of the lips I but once kissed.

O where are you, green dryad?
All my days and all my nights I spent
In your search, but I am now tired
And realize: to you it nothing meant.

So sorry I delayed this (and forgot to set a deadline in the first place!). Thank you, YesNo and North Star for your contributions. YesNo, you're the winner. Take it away!

Thanks, Joe!

The next form is a poem that fits on a page of one of the micro-chapbooks from the Origami Poems Project: http://www.origamipoems.com/

Here are the constraints:

1) No more than 47 characters per line including spaces.
2) No more than 25 lines. (They say 25-27 lines, but let's make it exact.) Those lines include the title and a line between the title and the text. So the poem can only be 23 lines long.

Topic: Warm summer day.

Deadline: August 23rd.

An afternoon in August

I heard the helicopters
back and forth
along the river

They were celebrating
drinking and laughing
three houses down the street

He just wanted
to cool his ancles
down by the river

I heard the helicopters
He got in deeper
They were laughing

All afternoon
I heard the helicopters
I heard them laughing

He had been from Syria
He could not swim
I still hear them laughing

Thank you for the entry, windblown!

Anyone else? Contest ends tomorrow.

I wanted to enter this one but August was a busy month and I forgot about it. I will try and get something done by the end of the day.

Poolside

Water drops sizzle
on skin, under
sun’s glare.

Sultry air,
wind a hot breath
against the neck.

Bone dry stillness
then a faint
inviting splash.

Contest is over! Thank you, windblown and Dark Muse, for the entries!

windblown: This has an ominous feel about it with someone playing in water who can't swim and the alternation between laughter and helicopters.

Dark Muse: This was a nice description of someone coming out of the water and going back in. I can almost feel my skin reacting to the sun and the wind.

These are both very good and they both fit the form, or rather constraints, needed for a submission to the Origami Poems Project.

The winner: Dark Muse

Congratulations!

Thank you! I will post the new form soon.

The next form is called a Diamante (Not required, but if it is centered it creates a diamond like shape)

Structure of the form:

Line 1: Noun/Subject
Line 2: Two adjectives
Line 3: three ing words (looking, seeking, swimming etc..)
Line 4: Four words 2 about subject and 2 about an antonym or synonym
Line 5: three ing words
Line 6: two adjectives
Line 7: antonym or synonym

Here are some examples:

She
supple; soft
nurturing; enchanting; defying
temptress; lunar; solar
unyielding; searching; appealing
solid; noble
He

Yin
elusive, darkness
yielding, alluring, inviting,
serene, Anima, energetic, Animus
arising, commanding, shining
decisive, action
Yang

Deadline: Sept. 20th