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Here's one perfect for lit net.
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the **** out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do.
I haven't heard any little johnny jokes in ages, I forgot all about them...I have vague memories of them being seriously un-pc though. (funnily so)
funny poem.
Yes, I don't think I can post most of them. But I'll find some that I can.Quote:
Originally Posted by Riesa
Here's something funny. I don't think they are real ads, but cute nonetheless.
Quote:
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . been out a while.
Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
If you like spoof adverts, try HERE.
My favourite is the "Holiday snaps for sale - will suit a young couple with two blond children."
This one sounds like a Edgar Allan Poe story.
Quote:
The Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you buy her a pet?
HUSBAND: "If she wanted one."
WIFE: "Would you buy her a cat?
HUSBAND: "No, she likes German Shepherds."
WIFE: - - - SILENCE - -
HUSBAND: "****!"
loooooooooooooool
It was the heat of the French Revolution. Three men were lead to the guillotine. The first was a great scientist, the second a mathematics professor, and the third the idle rich.
"Last words!" The executioner barked at the first man.
"It is an honor to die, and a better place to which I go."
"Face down or face up?"
"Oh, down, please!"
The rope was pulled but the blade stopped short of his neck.
"Seems Le Bon Dieu smiles upon today. It will not come down and cut your head off. You may go." Said the executioner, grudgingly. The man skipped off like a shot!
"And you! Last words?" The executioner sneered at the second trembling man.
"May France never be divided!"
"Face down or face up?"
"Down."
Again the blade refused to drop the required distance, only touching the man's neck. The executioner swore the air blue, then turn to his prisoner.
"And good fortune is yours as well. You may go." The man left with much bowing and scraping. The crowd had grown ugly, for they wanted blood!
The executioner faced his last man. "What do you have to say?"
"Nothing."
"Face down or face up?"
"Face up."
The executioner reached to pull the rope when the condemned man interrupted.
"Oh. So that's the problem with it!"
Understanding Men
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle
with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA
is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will
pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking
at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I
used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these
computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will
then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy
communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring
me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a
woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no
problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to
find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are
the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I
will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will
just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has
to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in
my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may
miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or
sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have
your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think
about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for
Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to
pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I
didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards.... then I
will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to
others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks
fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will
share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do
the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer
wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to better
understand men.
Good one, Virgil!
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The poor Russians had to use a pencil.
"never insult a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes. that way, when you insult them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." : )
A Proof that girls are evil:
Given: We all know that girls require time and money. We can set up the equation then that:
Girls = Time x Money
But we also all know that Time is money:
Time = Money
Therefore, substitution leads us to :
Girls = Money x Money = (Money)Squared
And we all know that money is the root of all evil:
Money = square root(Evil)
Therefore:
Girls = square root(evil)squared
And we are forced to conclude
Girls = Evil
Oh, those silly math majors. :D
A swimmer who’s clothing the wind strewed
Found herself left unfortunately nude:
Then this guy came along
And unless we guessed wrong—
You thought that this line was going to be lewd!
:D :lol: :lol: :lol:
you wrote that??
:D Now that is funny Pen :lol:
yeah, Aimus was thinking the last line was going to be lewd!! :p
You're saying you didn't? :goof:
Eva's not that crude, shes an angel? Do we dare ask that question?
:lol:.. i seriously did not... :lol:
Awww, such sweet innocence. :)
you aren't being sarcastic are you :p
And intuitive!Quote:
Awww, such sweet innocence.
Quote:
you aren't being sarcastic are you
Do you think I was? :pQuote:
Originally Posted by smilingtearz
:p not at all
this is supposed to be the jokes thread... i'm hijacking again
Jesus and the Devil decided to have a programming contest to see who was the best hacker. So God set up a meeting and gave them each an identical computer, and they had 24 hours to write a killer program that would hack the server God had set up.
For 23 and a half hours, they both type away furiously. But then, 30 minutes away from the deadline, the power goes out. God quickly gets the power turned back on, but both of the computers have already crashed. Jesus and the Devil boot them back up, and with only 30 minutes left, do their best to re-write their programs.
The time comes, and the Devil goes first. "Dammit, I lost everything when the power went out! There's no way this 30 minute program will hack God's server." Sure enough, it doesn't.
Then it's Jesus's turn. He simply smiles as his program hacks into God's server in less than 30 seconds.
The Devil looks over, amazed and furious. "How the heck did you manage that after the computers crashed!?!?"
God looked at him and said, "Didn't you know? Jesus saves!"
A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care.
I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18 year
old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 43 year old ***?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
:lol:
where do you get these awful jokes? :lol:
A long anekdote about women:
Once King Arthur was captured by his enemy who told him that he would kill him unless he funds the answer to the question what women want most of all. The evil king gave Arthur a year to find the answer. Arthur was trying to find the answer, but the search was fruitless.
Finally in the end of the year he found an old ugly witch who told him that she would tell him the answer if Lancelot will marry her. Lancelot was of course a noble fellow, so he decided to save his friend. The answer was that women want most of all to decide themselves how to live and choose their own destiny.
So there is a wedding of Lancelot and the witch. Then they go to the bedroom and she transforms into a beautiful young maiden. She tells Lancelot that he has a choice: either she will be ugly during the day and gorgeous at nights or other way around. Lancelot thought for a while and said- decide by yourself. She was so happy that she had decided to stay beautiful all the time.
MORAL- It doesn't matter if the woman is old or young, ugly or beautiful- underneath she is still a witch
that's in the canterbury tales!
i love these.
Japanese computer haiku
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
The web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Aborted effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the blue screen of death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
This site uses frames
And yet your browser does not.
One of these will change.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417
A:32CF: Incompetent User.
8) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan
1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out -
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -
'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"
You like that Riesa? Here's another:Quote:
Originally Posted by Riesa
Quote:
Surgery
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her
body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful
beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for
me.
How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
After my last antiwomen joke here is antimen:
In the Paradise God is talking to Adam and Eve:
God: I have two gifts for you, but you will have to choose who gets what. The first gift- you well pee upright.
Adam: I want it. Me, me, choose me.
God: Ok
Eve: What is the second gift?
God: Brains, Eve, brains
hahahahahahahah Good one there Boris. Do you have any anti postmen jokes?
Please.............
The only postman joke I know is an old one:
Why are postmen always angry?
Because they get the sack every morning
I don't know a really good one but here is one postmen:
Night, rain, there is a huge storm on the sea. Boat with the postman is sailing to the lighthouse. It reaches the lighthouse and the postman angrily gives the package to the watcher of the beacon: "Here take it"
Watchman: "if you aren't polite, I'll subscribe for the daily newspaper"
No, Eva. I found it, and thought it would make people go crakers! It's a joke you'd think would be not nice which turns out to have fooled everyone!Quote:
Originally Posted by smilingtearz
I know exactly how this feels with my lawn mower.
Quote:
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on
a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a
lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?"
asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,"
said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked "Will
you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after
riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've
got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He
pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the
mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said,
"I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it
to get it started."
The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's
been so long since I've been saved that I don't even
remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just
keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
The Blonde Hanywoman
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner
if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said,
"How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe
all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
Answer: To get to the bottom!