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Summer in the City:
The first stanza is a brilliant poem in it's own right Doc. I'm afraid I'm not so keen on the rest of it. What comes after is too telling and a bit didactic. I can tell you felt strongly about what you wanted to say but it lacks the poetry of S1.
Clog:
The depressing reality of inevitability? Powerful, if slightly depressing imagery. Sounds like it's time for the narrator to find a new girlfriend - if he thinks it's worth it, that is...
Live and be well - H
Clog: I love the first stanza. As I do the last L of this poem (very much!). Furthermore, "couplehood is easy for the young" is so very true: couples should form before the age of 20 and last forever... By 30 and/or more, all becomes complicated, flexibility is gone, habits take over... except very rare cases of exceptional encounters...
Clog:
This first stanza sets up the wonderful metaphor/central image/whatever of the poem. This reader questions the way you’ve done the line breaks, though- it’s as though they’re almost halved? What effect were you looking for, Doc? Pending that answer, this reader thinks it would flow better if the linebreaks were more like the second stanza.Quote:
Water ran; mixed with
My five-o-clock shadow
And shaving foam
And your long brown strands,
It became a filthy obstruction
The disgusting froth
Of heated arguments
Pointlessly reheated.
Also, the line ‘Of heated arguments’ seems out of its element. Everything else is so understated in the first stanza, so that line seems heavy handed by comparison. We should get to know what your poem is really about, but not like that; being knocked over the head with it.
Again, to play with the power of the central metaphor you’ve created, probably some of this stanza should go. Line 2 seems really important here. This reader likes the sound of ’Too narrow the drain, too feeble the excuses.’ The ‘apologies’ part seems a bit extraneous and ruins the rhthym that seems to want to come out here. This reader also recommends you drop the last line entirely.Quote:
Too narrow the drain,
Too feeble the excuses and apologies:
The muck stayed there.
It formed a nasty lake
Infested with insults and indicisiveness.
Not sure, Doc. The first two lines denote that this a relationship between two people who are allegedly more emotionally mature or damaged than they used to be. Lines 3, 4, and 5 are said so matter-of-factly that it’s hard to ‘feel’ them. The rest of the poem is building to this, but it seems you just can’t ‘give it’ like that. You have to make us feel it somehow. Finally, this reader doesn’t like ‘defeat’ flooding the floors because it also is outside the imagery. Say what floods the floors and we’ll know it’s defeat. The clog holds. The sink gives its mess everywhere. We can know this.Quote:
Couplehood is easy for the young,
The unscarred, the pure of heart.
But for you and me it's a lost cause;
A brief battle to let feelings flow,
To be sincere; to accept intimacy.
When defeat floods the floor
Mould forms over our words;
Slime drowns our hearts.
Your faithful and admiring reader,
J
RE: "Summer in the City"-- title of an oldie but goodie by The Lovin' Spoonful. Come to mention it, the back o' my neck is getting dirty and gritty, by the bye.
The opening stanzas, ending with the line "Are you people?" is great. After that, the piece seems somewhat preachy, though I can't say I disagree with the sentiment.
"Clog" has the makings of a really fine piece.
If we accept the notion that a good poem is a marriage between thought and form, "Clog" manages to do this when it sustains the metaphor:
Quote:
Too narrow the drain,
Quote:
The muck stayed there.
And this is an apt observation, pointing out how the stopped up drain of theQuote:
A brief battle to let feelings flow,
marriage (or relationship) builds up over time
A different word choice for "unscarred"? The clearer waters of fresh hearts(?)Quote:
Couplehood is easy for the young,
The unscarred, the pure of heart.
The effect slips a little when it ventures away from the central metaphor:
Quote:
But for you and me it's a lost cause;
We've seen phrases such as "lost cause" and words like "sincere" and "intimacy" a bit too much, no?Quote:
To be sincere; to accept intimacy.
I would move the last two lines:
Put a comma after "hearts" and close the poem with this one:Quote:
Mould forms over our words;
Slime drowns our hearts.
Quote:
When defeat floods the floor.
I *think* I'm back. That is, I don't know for sure. It's been quite a summer.
Before posting a fresh one, my sincere thanks to everyone who reads and comments. I use your input to improve, which makes this whole exercise quite meaningful.
Good health to all.
Letter to Larkin
My dear Philip,
Had you spent not six,
But seven days a week
In your Hull library,
And if your Hull library
Hadn't been a place
Where everyone spoke nicely
(For that is how people in libraries speak)
Without ever uttering words
Such as "schedule", "deliverables",
Phrases such as
"Acceptance criteria", "Profit margin",
"Vis-à-vis our recently published financial results",
And if, rather than just a telephone,
You had emails, faxes and text messages
Waiting to pounce on you every morning,
And if the leather briefcase that you carried
Contained not just The Times and an apple
But snuggled up between them a computer,
Bright white, powerful and so effective
In enabling you to take the toad work home with you,
Then, only then, would I sit in an armchair
Across from your red eyes and untidy specs
And drink your whisky, and share my thoughts
On why the toad work is indispensible
And why we spend most of our time feeding it
And what remains we drown in scotch and smoke.
And how after all wild oats have been sown,
After all Sidney Bechet records have been played
Friends married off, cars driven --
If you remove it, nothing much remains
Except a person you didn't know was you, who,
In his newly found and unwished for freedom,
Between beasts and gods hovers unstrung.
Now this was a real treat. You only need one 'had' in the first line though and you need a comma after gods in the last line. S5 L3 you might consider cutting the second and. S6 L3 reads a little awkwardly. Better as: "and drown what remains in scotch and smoke"
I really appreciated this. Great poem.
Live and be well - H
Doc, your streak is getting more and more bleak. Sometimes you just gotta get wet in the creek if you ever want to escape your 60 hour work week. Go to the mirror and take and peek. Trace the hollow in your cheek and have a good long think. There's someone there you need to meet.
J
Dropping in a the tail end of things, I think this last one is a wonderful poem. The feel is there too, from what I've read of the poems of Phillip Larkin. Excellent! I'll raise a dram to it. :) I think if I'd read what he wrote about the Hull library, I would have gotten a lot more out of it though. Thanks for bringing poetry to my morning, DocHeart.
The Accident
Nothing to write home about.
Bottle of sparkling water exploded
In my real-life freezer
(I only put women in my fantasy one).
Speaking of metaphors, I've tried
To dislodge glass shards from ice before
And I got cut then, too.
Blood dripped on the milk bottle,
On the cream trousers that still fit me
(What other colour could I possibly be wearing?)
On the phone bill
And of course on the floor.
Still haven't cleaned up.
With all lights on, the place looks
As though we've finally had it out, you and I,
As if I've punched you
And you've stabbed me
Before sitting down to a dinner
Of hearts, stomachs and livers.
Doc, your Letter To Larkin shakes with bleakness, it's great writing.
Your last brings to my mind set faces and near vacant eyes of couples sitting silent in the beach cafés, as if awaiting a plea for clemency...
Doc,
Really liked reading 'The Accident.' The conclusion of it was great.
J
*falls over, breaks vase, bumps thread*
Whoops.
J
Letter to Larkin really impressed me.
You carried a thought through an entire poem, a little story as it were, which I know from experience is very difficult to do.
Also, great last line.
For 'The Accident':
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TbmP2vXeQs
J