write or share a poem

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Adolescent09

What became of those dogged and intrepid hearts,
universally considered the lesser sex,
but courageous and defying none the less,
walking hand in hand abreast,
many hearts together,
all beating in one,
hands of steel with signs advocating specific rights,
voting rights, job rights, religious rights,
a people differentiated by their sex,
how blind the world was,
they had had enough,
an epic change, new pupils in empty sockets
they made that change and were respected,
but what has become of it now?
in the music industry, in the "other" industry
blatantly in society,
they strut about with scarce attire,
permit themselves to be slapped and jostled
by what they formerly proved their equal but opposite sex,
why relinquish freedom,
just to please others,
why show yourself in invidious ways,
and consider it normal and conventional,
we need a change once again,
those people of that dogged sex,
cannot arise with hands of steel and signs advocating wants,
for they bring this adversity on themselves.

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Indeed.

I think, however, you need to cut out some words. Like "for they bring.." I think you can cut out "for."

Also lines like "they made that change and were respected" and "we need a change once again" seem out of place. Try to take your message and say it in as few words as possible. Write honestly, but keep it to a minimum. Make each word mean something. Here's just an example:

they had had enough,
an epic change, new pupils in empty sockets
they made that change and were respected,

could be:

Enough!
An epic change - new pupils in empty sockets
Glared to win respect.

Like, that's not that good, but it's just an example.

Keep working at it, this is a good poem, but it needs refining. Read and change until you are perfectly satisfied.

~Arania

Arania, I hate to disagree - but I like the closing line fine with the word "for" to begin it, but that may just be my personal preference. I also like the other lines just fine, but the whole poem may need a bit of refining to make it a great poem and clearer. I think the meaning could be broader to include all of society and their attitudes presently on woman showing off their bodies, as if that is all they are made of. Revising never hurts, but, Adolscent, I would keep the unrevised poem to compare both. Remember, great authors, most always, did revise.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Triskele

i disagree, poetry to me at least to me is to put out into the world of words all the things that nobody else dares to say, whether they are hopelessly trivial images of beauty, wonderfully obsessive ideas of love, or painful truths. use your words to make a statement, and that i think you have done. thank you adolescant, well played.

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I absolutely agree with Triskele on this one. What is poetry if it be merely pretty, shallow (hollow) words? It is fine to put yourself on the line and actually say something contraversial. You are expressing what you find objectionable in the world today. Nothing at all wrong with that! The best poets have come up against conventions and they won out in being immortal in their poetry. Many many issues have been aired in poetry, and whole worlds have been changed by it or at least attitudes. Your observation is one I have thought of myself many times. Don't be afraid to say what you think, Adolescent, Keep writing and stir things up a bit. You write to please yourself, and that is most important.

I'm going to write a poem right here right now based on my current mood, in exactly one minute counting from now. Judge it.

Vast lands, empty expanse,
nothing on it, but what it bears is great,
physically nonexistant,
but why this weight, sagging mentality,
why the passing?
nothing's there,
I said it before,
the land is bare,
but it is in me,
cool breeze drifting baron land,
my heart beats,
but I am sick,
normal body temperature,
but my organs are cold stone,
I'm baron as this baron land,
so empty, yet so great.

58 seconds on the dot. Give opinions please

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Adolescent09

I'm going to write a poem right here right now based on my current mood, in exactly one minute counting from now. Judge it.

Vast lands, empty expanse,
nothing on it, but what it bears is great,
physically nonexistant,
but why this weight, sagging mentality,
why the passing?
nothing's there,
I said it before,
the land is bare,
but it is in me,
cool breeze drifting baron land,
my heart beats,
but I am sick,
normal body temperature,
but my organs are cold stone,
I'm baron as this baron land,
so empty, yet so great.

58 seconds on the dot. Give opinions please

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Now this one I have to think about awhile. Not sure you have to race to write a poem, but I suppose there is some merit in "stream of consciousness" writing. This poem does seem a bit obscure or vague to me. I read it twice, but not entirely sure what you are getting at. Has it been rattling around in your brain and now took form? Just curious, I am.

I hope some others jump in and crit your poem or comment on it.

I spelt "barron" wrong three times... It's "barren"... It's a vague imagery poem about a big land of nothingness.. but how this nothingness is actually very great because it encumbers me with boredom. Great boredom, should I say... To be frank, it's a poem about boredom It might have been too vague. "nothingness" = "boredom", I'm not sure that I implied this too well. There frozen organs appear to be too sorrowful.

I know the sound of silence
It doth ring in my ears,
In my dreams it swells within me,
Yet also in my waking hours
I do adore it’s gentle melody.

It always sweeps above my thoughts
Stilling my heart whene’r it sings
Its’ songs to the lovely earth.
For its’ wind finds every man
When he is singing songs of sadness.

Sweet melodies with no music
Are the songs of silence,
For sorrow is a song
Lonely and melancholy,
A song with no words.

Janine,

It's perfectly fine if you disagree! :) We would get nowhere if people didn't disagree every now and then. Yes, Adolescent, always keep your first draft.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Arania

Janine,

It's perfectly fine if you disagree! :) We would get nowhere if people didn't disagree every now and then. Yes, Adolescent, always keep your first draft.

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Arnaia, Exactly my thoughts, thanks for being understanding about my disagreement. Debate is healthy. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Adolescent09

I spelt "barron" wrong three times... It's "barren"... It's a vague imagery poem about a big land of nothingness.. but how this nothingness is actually very great because it encumbers me with boredom. Great boredom, should I say... To be frank, it's a poem about boredom It might have been too vague. "nothingness" = "boredom", I'm not sure that I implied this too well. There frozen organs appear to be too sorrowful.

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Adolescent, I think on this one your do need to revise it some. The idea of boredom did not come through to me. Perhaps if you named it "Boredom" that would make it clearer and suggest that being the main meaning. As I said before - revise but always keep the first draft to compare to. The idea is a good one, The "frozen organ" part might suggest it going in a different direction, so maybe you could eliminate that or change it. Hope this helps. J

Quote:

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Originally Posted by the appletree

I know the sound of silence
It doth ring in my ears,
In my dreams it swells within me,
Yet also in my waking hours
I do adore it’s gentle melody.

It always sweeps above my thoughts
Stilling my heart whene’r it sings
Its’ songs to the lovely earth.
For its’ wind finds every man
When he is singing songs of sadness.

Sweet melodies with no music
Are the songs of silence,
For sorrow is a song
Lonely and melancholy,
A song with no words.

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Hi appletree - don't recall seeing you on this thread before. Welcome if you are new. Your poem is lovely. My only questioning would be about the "sound of silence" - since that is the name of the Simon and Garfunkel song - "Sound of Silence". This is such a well-known title and phrase that immediately I thought of it. Sometimes we pick up phrases unconsciously. There is also a classical piece called "song with no words" - you may have heard of it, but that phrase may be broad enough to use. You must have been thinking of music when you wrote this poem, since you mention "song" several times. I suppose it is ok to take these well-known phrases and insert them in your poem, it just takes away some originality - but that is my personal opinion, nothing more. I hope you don't think me too harsh with my criticism or observation. They say "there are no new things under the sun" and all artists repeat sooner or later. Perhaps you could take the silence lines and say them in a different sequence or use other words to convey the idea of silence. Just a thought. If you revise keep the original and then compare.

I am the reincarnated Graham Greene

Yeah, I not sure I get that reference, but I happen to like Graham Greene novels, although I have only perused them and saw the films made from his writing. I love "The Quiet American" - I think that was based on his book. I like his plots.

I'm definitely with Janine on the Sound of Silence. I love the song and its the first thing that came to mind. If the connotation is intended then go for it though.

I can't sing
or fly.
When I jump off
and the wind bears me up
I always fall.
Alas,
I am not a bird.
to soar away from pain.
I would wing
speedily
away from you.

Seasong - welcome, I see you joined up in January. What a cool name you have....I love it. I have used "Sealace" before. Read it in a poem. "Seasong" is so lovely and so musical. I imagine waves making music. I love the sea!
Thanks for agreeing with me on the line Sounds of silence...just that we are so indoctrinated with verses of music and bombarded by repetition in the media, I could not help but relate to that S&G line.

Seasong, I like you poem very much - short and simplistic and yet poignant...really lovely. Keep writing. Can't wait to see what you come up with next. I have not posted a poem lately so I had better get thinking.