Another creative game

Taiwanese Motocycle Gang Slay Three, Overeducated American Polyglot Among the Victims!

A Mr. Bum, recently identified by police, seems to have been the latest victim in a spree of violence which struck downtown Taipei last night at around nine p.m. Witnesses believe that he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, having stumbled into the midst of a gang turf dispute while walking and reading his copy of Shakespeare's play 'Henry IV'' part two, aloud to himself. Bum appeared to be oblivious to the tragicomedy playing out around him while he recited his lines under his breath, occasionally breaking into an enthusiastic speech; and one anonymous informant insists that the gangsters would have let him pass by unharmed had he not turned suddenly and proclaimed quite odiously "away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe" at which point he was struck down by their leader who knows a good Shakesperian insult when he hears one. He outlives a copy of Plutarchs collected works and will be sorely missed.

We the management of the Le Snoot Cafe, regret to inform you that Clopin has passed away. It has been determined that there was a lethal dose of strychnine in the glass of wine he always enjoyed with his meals. We also deny any culpability in this unfortunate accident. It is our contention that the poison could have been placed in his drink by his dinner companion, a Mr. Bum. There is no evidence our solemner Percy had anything to do with it, even though provoked by Mr. Clopin, who described the original wine Percy had chosen for the meal as "bat urine." In an unrelated issue, Clopin's usually reserved table is now vacant for the dinner rush.

Sincerely

Management, Le Snoot Cafe

Late Entrant in Picket's Charge Falls in Eastern Pennsylvania

Colonel Beauregard Pendragon, the last Virginian known to have participated in the Battle of Gettysburg, was cut down by Yankee cannon fire this afternoon during an ill-fated dash toward the Union position on Cemetery Ridge. A witness who claims to have spoken to Colonel Pendragon at a local Denny's earlier in the day reports him to have been "nervous and agitated" about his lateness for the strategically important clash. The Colonel is alleged to have voiced the famous "rebel yell" when he noticed the time, adding: "Ah say, ah say, General Lee's gonna whoop the Dixie outta me!" Law enforcement agencies believe that a "time slip" phenomenon may account for the continued presence of live canon fire at the battle site. "Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'," a police spokesperson explained. Steve Miller has denied any knowledge of the event.

Unusual Discovery Near Pompeii

A archeological dig near the ancient city of Pompeii has uncovered the remains of an ancient bum. This unhappy person was evidently camping beneath a deserted bridge at the edge of the city, and was caught in the lava flow when Vesuvius went off. The unlucky transient was instantly immolated, but the lava solidified quickly enough to leave a fossil imprint of the body inside the stone. The stone cracked in half, revealing the remains. Professor Pendragon of the Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts, attributes the phenomena to a small statue of Chulthu that was found near the body...

British Royal Dead at 1,532

Uther Pendragon, former king of sub-Roman Britannia, was found murdered at his Virginia home this morning. Several partially chewed bones were discovered near Pendragon's body, and a large trash receptacle had been overturned, its contents partially eaten. "It looks like the work of Saxon dogs," police reported. Pendragon, who was once thought to have died after drinking from a poisoned spring near St. Albans, resurfaced in recent years as an acerbic social critic on a literature-based Internet website. Site regulars expressed dismay at the news, several vowing to "drive the Saxons from our fair shores." They actually said, "ower fayre straundes," but whose got time for that kind of mischegas? Pendragon is survived by a son, Arthur, and numerous entertaining threads.

While "groping for trouts in a peculiar river," as he put it, local tapster-cum-classicist Pompey Bum came a major cropper, his heart failing him once and for all in a manner highly reminiscent of a character in a Woody Allen movie modeled after a Bergman film, yet titled after a Shakespeare play. We hope that his ghost, his soul having taken the form of such while 'at the height of passion,' remains in a state of ecstasy, though we also hope that he keeps enough sense about him to forgive the writer of this obituary for his density of reference in said obituary.

Poet Sunk in Morass by Dense Wording

Internet poet Lykren perished in a quicksand accident this afternoon, apparently weighed down by dense and awkward phrasing. An anonymous witness reported that the more the bard struggled, the more convoluted and inelegant his wording became. "I kept telling him to keep it simple and direct," the witness explained, "but he just kept starting up with that "Have you ever heard of Grizzly?" crap of his." In a gruesome detail, the witness indicated that by the time police arrived, only a single dangling modifier protruded from the morass. Lykren's employer expressed sadness at the news, adding that his bookstore will play only the Taylor Swift Pandora station for 48 hours in the young clerk's memory. "Lykren never could get hot women like Taylor to boff him," the teary-eyed shop owner sobbed, "now, in all our hearts, he can."

Ms. Swift could not be reached for comment.

Pendragon Press: All the News That's Fit to Make UP!

An earthquake in Uncanny Valley has lead to the passing of hermit and philosopher Pompey Bum. Bum whose philosophy "Stay just far enough from mainstream to look stupid." found a host of followers including this reporter, will be missed. The memorial Bum's followers erected with his philosophy carved on it was caught in an aftershock and pretty much destroyed. The word "stupid" is all that remains.

Heavenly Tax Structure Nets Another

Respected social critic Pendragon has relocated to Paradise, citing higher taxes fewer services in the secular realm. The Kingdom of God has long employed a Las Vegas-like tax system in which sinners pay for benefits all residents enjoy. "It is nice to see Pendragon join the growing multitude who are finally figuring this out," commented Heavenly spokesperson and one-time fisherman Simon St. Peter. Pendragon himself expressed happiness at his new and eternal living arrangements. "I had hoped to stay in touch with the LitNetters up here," he added, "but you know, I haven't seen one since arriving."

Pendragon, now of Paradise, is offering a reward to anyone who knows the current whereabouts of his friend, Pompey Bum. It seems that Pompey was supposed to meet Pendragon in Paradise, but somehow he has yet to arrive. Pendragon stated: "I gave Pompey instructions to take the road less traveled by. After all, it has made all the difference for me. Pompey was such a good intentioned person. I hope he didn't go down that road that is paved with good intentions. Hopefully, he just had a brief layover in Purgatory. I will give a chunk of the Streets of Gold to the person that can bring me my friend. He'd do it for me."

INFERNO ENGULFS LITNET REGULAR

A three alarm fire has ended the life of cantankerous internet commentator Pendragon, fire officials announced today. "We are treating the fire as accidental," a police spokesman added, "although arson has not been fully ruled out." Mr. Pendragon's woes began during a romantic fondue dinner date on Friday, when his prodigious mustache hairs burst into fire. Soon flames were shooting from both ears and an unspecified orifice "down south," police said. "It was actually pretty funny," confessed Pendragon's female dining companion, "although, I mean, yeah sure, everyone feels bad now." Fire officials remind the public that only you can prevent mustache fires. Smokey the Bear, ever hirsute, could not be reached for comment.

Litnet Regular Discovered Dead From Fright

Litnet funnyman Pompey Bum was discovered yesterday, ah, flat on his bum with a terrified look in his open, staring eyes. He was cold to the touch, even though the Medical Examiner said he had only been deceased for around fifteen minutes. Sources close to the scene report hearing him scream. "Dear God! Pendragon! But you are dead! I killed you! Get away from me!"

This casts serious doubt into the "accidental burning death" of Pendragon yesterday...

POSSUM HUNTER MISSING, PRESUMED DEAD

A Virginia hunter known only as Pendragon disappeared last night near the state's "Varmint Curtain" with West Virginia, according to police. Mr. Pendragon apparently snuck of bed and headed into the Blue Ridge Mountain wilderness, armed only with his trusty Gurka knife, in search of a midnight snack. "It's been so hard to keep him on his diet," a distraught Mrs. Pendragon confessed, "now that possum season is here." A police spokesperson sat on his porch and played the banjo for a long time, adding that Pendragon was likely no more than a mile or two from rescue parties. "But I don't reckon he smells too good no more, let me put it that way," the deputy sheriff conceded. No possums appear to have been harmed.

Body Found in Virginia Woods

The skeletal remains of a man were discovered in the woods about twenty feet off the The Appalachian Trail deep in Virgina's "Righteous Range" mountains. The body was identified through dental records as that of a certain Mr. Pompey Bum. Apparently while crossing "The Priest", Mr.Bum became distracted by the uncanny valley that lay far below, and forgetting the advice of Pendragon, who has experience on the AT, he absentmindedly stepped off a cliff. The drop was some 500 feet, but the autopsy showed that it was the sudden stop that killed him.

Pendragon, asked about the tragedy shed tears as he replied. "Bloody fool never would listen! But he was my friend, and he will be sorely missed!"

Oddly enough, a still shot taken by a local photographer showed a translucent figure, said to resemble Mr. Bum. The figure was standing behind Pendragon and appeared to be trying to strangle him...

Reported by: Nathaniel Dark, for Blue Ridge News

I couldn't believe my eyes. I was walking down my block and I saw a suspicious squirrel on the path in front of me. He was smoking a cigarette and when I passed he asked for spare change. I didn't have any so I declined. I walked another 20 feet but felt somebody watching me. I looked down the path behind me and saw a whole gang of seedy looking squirrels. I started to run but they soon over took me looking for spare change and acorns. Everything started to turn black and that's when I heard a ruckus and felt a whoosh above me. I looked up and Pendragon had come to my rescue. As Pen was bravely fighting the attack squirrels nobody noticed how close they had come to the edge of the cliff until they all tumbled over. I yelled "Thank You Pen" as they fell to the rocky shores below. I'm pretty sure I heard a gurgly "You're Welcome" as I watched the pack slip under the water. RIP my squirrel fighter hero.