Tough while so delicate, well mastered and penned. Thank you Haunted, Bar - a very happy New Year to you again!
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Tough while so delicate, well mastered and penned. Thank you Haunted, Bar - a very happy New Year to you again!
Prince, I'm relieved, thanks!
Bar, it's always so nice to read your comments. Have a wonderful New Year yourself!!
Ha, yes the irony... All melted in tears of chill.
xo
thanks Mary, love the way you put it. xoxo
the anesthesiologist
I took all my clothes off
shoved them out of sight
in the painfully heavy bag
reached for the sad looking gown
with unfairly short ties
opening to the back
walking out I wonder
if my tush is showing
I have no insurance
no next of kin
he said it don’t matter
where I’m going
he promised there won’t be pain
and with an assuring hand
he pried my bag from me
I press my cold cheek on
the back of that hand
I feel a slight tickling from
the small golden hairs
I turn until my lips touch
the warm padded skin
then I take my time kissing it
This has got to be one of your best poems - and also, of course, one of your most morbid. I hate the ending but exactly in the way you mean me to hate it.
You need to make the switch from past to present more gracefully than you do here, before the final stanza.
wow what an anethesist! I like the description of the hospital gowns but I have to say, I got the impression that where you were going, you weren't coming back as if you were kissing the hand of a merciful God...
Loved it - haunting and nightmarish, yet also reassuring.
The way we always surrender meekly to people in white coats whenever we need their mercies.
I can't say more - you really created a gem here
H
For a momment there, I thought I was going under.... You tease - you -...
xo
Thanks Prince, Delta, Hill and Mary!
Prince, thanks for the thumbs up. I agree, I had trouble with the tenses from the getgo. Any suggestions?
Delta, you're right 100% ; )
An l-word from Hill, can't ask for more.
Mary, always enjoy reading your comments!
You could narrate it in the present tense all the way through. Why not? But if you have objections to that, any of the following are places where a switch from past to present would be less obtrusive:Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
walking out I wonder...
The switch would work here because of the shift from simply carrying out an action, to the self-consciousness of the line that immediately follows.
Or you could do it here:
I have no insurance
no next of kin
he said it don’t matter
where the anxiety of being uninsured comes to the surface, in which case "he said it don't matter" should become he says it doesn't matter and off you go for the rest of the poem
I'll go with "wonder", that's what it was originally but because I seldom write in past tense I thought everything should be past tense before the last stanza. Thanks Prince!
I agree, Haunted, one of your best. The intimacy is harrowing.
Fire, thanks for your kind words!
Wow haunted! It's overwhelming. Sensitive, close, distant, sad, impossible... and an exquisite poem indeed. Best of all for the new year, Bar
Bar, I appreciated that! You too, best wishes for a wonderful new year.
Adam’s apple pie
you smell delish
would it be too forward
if I finger taste you
it’s not Old Spice you need
it’s me
with a single head toss
I could drop enough star dust
to spice up your world
in return I’d like a satiable
piece of the pie
and I meant your net worth
you can find me on Facebook
my name is Cinnamon
A delightful poem! haunted. Delicious pie! sweet idea, smiling writing! :smile5:
best from Bar!
What a tease, this Cinnamon character! A very loaded poem it seems to me. I couldn't help thinking a tad bit biblical (probably incorrectly so), while at the end recognizing this fully contemporary material girl.
Great poem, Haunted!
Hey, Cinnamon, what a spicey young woman you are - and how delightful is your voice!
Thanks Bar your comment is even more delightful!
Fire, yeep, it's all about the money :wink5:
Prince you are tooooo kind...!
I was thinking a little biblical, too! Adorable, in any event!
By the way, I, too, love your previous poem. That's a keeper, short and stunning.
Thanks Qim, that means so much!
yes there is a bit of biblical suggestion but its only tinny tinny, mostly the reference is profane. It's a double entendre, Adam -- apple -- Adam's apple, anatomically speaking. Hence, Old Spice for the Adam's apple, and cinnamon spice for the apple pie. : )
Hi Haunted
can you quit being so damn prolific... now I am miles behind :) I loved the anesthesioligist and adams apple. They were both mysterious to me and very well written. They also both had a different feel to most of your work as though you have swerved off onto a diversion.
The padded skin at the end of the former made me think of your cats, but that may be way off and your doubloe entendres of the latter were a delight. Way to go New Yoik .
Jerry
Not quite sure how to read that bit, but yes, it does sound rather 'too forward'...Quote:
would it be too forward
if I finger taste you
A cheeky little poem nonetheless.
Oh yes cinnamon very cheeky indeed... with a tinge of apple. A little cheekiness with a lot to say. Clever girl.
Thanks b|v and Mary, hope it was fun for you, a cheeky apple poem a day keeps the nosy neighbor away...
Jer, long time no see. Thrilled to hear you're loving the anesthesioligist and adams, that's a double A rating for New Yoik, yay. Interesting take on the padded paws, but no cats here. I just love a nice soft hand, not the veiny ones. Makes the going a pleasure trip.
Sorry Prince, I can just sense you getting totally morbid out now.
Haunted, well constructed and clever poem. I like it very much. Interesting use of metaphor and precise words to invoke suggestion. Now this one seems to be based very much on 'imagery', even though 'concept' is still very obvious.
Janine, really glad you like it. You're right, I'm not big on imagery. It's one of my weak points. But your comment is reassuring. Thanks!
Hiding my veiny hands here :D
hands with big blue veins
now in a poem that tries to rhyme
I say Jerry is just as vain
his blue blood going to his head
Baldy he might be but not in vain
:coolgleamA:
A Short Collection of Trashy Poems
introduction
D22 westbound
love story
overnight snow
his green eyes
September 2nd
existence
dinner date
don't take my baby
car talk
Google Earth
dead on
My name is Jane
hazardous driving
of cat and men (a Christmas poem)
the anesthesiologist
Adam's apple pie
honesty
the real me
the fire
Sense and Sensuality
800 days of winter
0
thanks I’m just fine
yes I got disconnected
no I don’t know the number
no I don’t know the name
ummm actually...
I wasn’t callin’ anyone
I have no one...
did you know you can
implode in a void...
now there’s an echo
can you fix that
that low drawn out wailin’
wailin’ wailin’ wailin’
before you do that operator
can you please
reconnect me
Ouch! This has the ring (and the sting!) of reality....
what a beautiful lonely poem! so effective with lack of number and name. An echo, a void and endless wailing! Very moving Haunted.
I think 'quickly' detracts for the sense of emptiness and disconnection of the poem and would consider removing it.
Prince, thanks for your comment, so cleverly playing back on the poem.
Delta, I wondered about that, it's really not necessary, I just stuck it in, er, quickly. It's now taken out at your suggestion. Thanks for the pointer and kind words.
Hmm, this one almost sounds familiar, but not. To be connected is a good thing. But sometimes it's not all that...
Another excellent piece of reality.
Well done my dear.
Thanks Mary. Speaking from experience perhaps?
hmmm. Don't even go there.
Hmmm, this sounded familiar from the Minimalist Poetry Contest. Good idea to post it in your thread, as we all can now comment. I think with your editing, it has gained in power and looks even more minimalist to me, which makes it all the more poignant. And it rings a bell in my head, a sad bell from the past... Thank you for posting...