What do you call a smart blonde?
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What do you call a smart blonde?
you and me?
Unnamable,
What platform are you running wife 1.0 on? I ask because in some systems, a shared directory is set up for applications such as MS Money, Overdraft 2000 and Credit XP. If this is the case, there is little you can do except, save as much functionality as you can from these applications, uninstall everything and buy a Mac (preferably a dirty one) and install RedLight 5.0.
There is also a chance of permanent hard-drive degradation with the system as you are currently operating it. This can cause an intermittent connection failure which can lead to subsequent floppy-drive issues.
Whatever you do, do NOT upgrade to wife 2.0 as this will only make things twice as bad!
I have found that most of these types of problems tend to be blamed on the user's hardware, but have serious doubts that this is actually the case in most instances. I suspect that it is actually a flaw in the logic circuitry of wife 1.0 that is behind the trouble. Unfortunately, attempting to run any kind of diagnostic routine to interrogate Wife 1.0 about this seems to cause further problems.
Sorry I can't be of any further help. I have heard mixed reviews of Divorce 2005 but it involves expensive 3rd party software which can be difficult to install and definitely won't suit all systems.
Regards,
"[email protected]"
Dear Technical Support,
Thank you for your advice. However, further problems led to a complete system failure and I took a sledgehammer to the whole lot. I now intend relying on my trusty Palm instead.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sdr4jc
Artificial Intelligence. :lol: :banana: :lol: :banana: :lol: :banana:
Here's another computer joke.
The Spanish Computer
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won!
I guess I'm in the joke mood. Here's another.
Quote:
Senior Dating
Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.
Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
definitely wear an old dress I guess. But after dinner I would have paid and gone home in a taxi.
Okay, this one has been kicking around on the internet for a while, but I just got it today in an e-mail from my great-uncle. There are other variations, so it's up to you whether or not it's based in fact. Either way:
HEAVEN OR HELL: EXOTHERMIC OR ENDOTHERMIC?
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we have to determine the rate at which souls are entering against the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
(This student received the only "A.")
two 10 yr boys were at the museum, they saw an ancient mummy. one boy asked the other: " is this a dead body" the other one:" yes, but what is the number written next to it?" the other boy answered him:" its obvouis: its the number of the car than killed him!!!!!!"
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!! ( laughed my head off when i read this one!)
Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station! :lol:
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
Oh virgil!.. that was awesome! :lol:
Here's one for the Easter Holidays.
Quote:
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the
Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and said he would just have her shipped
home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
hahahaha :D nice one Virgil
Virgil, this one is really funny!
Another anti wife joke. Sorry to you ladies.
Quote:
Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and Nascar. All of a sudden Joe says " I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."
Bill sips his beer and says" you better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
I love that "sleeping with the fishes" joke in "The Shark Tale". Anyone know what I'm talking about? Gets me everytime :p ...that's a funny movie.
This one? ;)
Luca: Be there, if you don't wanna see her sleepin' with the fishes. The dead ones. Now nod your head if you understand... Now tell me if you nodded your head.
:p
that's a cool one! @jay
Here's one:
Quote:
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who
was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father
took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You
bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and
we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again
asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went
to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud
of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a
moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You
know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and
even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and
they WALKED every where they went!"
:lol:!!!!!!!!!!!
:nod: .......... :p :D :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Jay
Knowing the owners are out of town, a thief has broken into a house in the middle of the night and is busy gathering up valuables when he suddenly hears a voice saying:
"Jesus is watching you!"
He looks around but can't see anyone in the dark, so he keeps searching when he again hears the voice:
"Jesus is watching you!"
The thief is annoyed; he knows no one is home. So he answers:
"Who's there?"
"I'm Moses", the voice replies.
OK, this is getting freaky. He gets out his flashlight and shines it around the room until it lands on a parrot in a cage just as the parrot once again says:
"Jesus is watching you!"
The thief laughs his head off. "What kind of idiot names a parrot 'Moses'?"
The parrot replies: "The same idiot who'd name a 150-pound rottweiler 'Jesus'."
k i have this joke that i found funny:
there was a guy who went to a mental hospital and walked into a room where every one was jumping up and down, he saw one sensible man sitting down and asked him: " why are these men jumping around like this" he answered: " they are pretending to be pop corn in a saucepan when they pop" so the man asked: " so why r u sitting down?" he answered: " i got stuck at the bottom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i dont no if ur gonna find it funny but i cracked up!!!!!!1
yeah myself that was funny :lol:
here's one..
Ned: The Most Popular Man in the World
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned. "Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world." "Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!" "That so?" answers Bill, "How about the president of the United States?" "Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave. "That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!" "Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave. Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!" "J.P!" says Ned, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. You're the most popular man in the world." "I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
Good one Eva. Here's another:
Quote:
On a city street a cab driver stopped to pick up a nun, and when she
got settled in he told her, "I hope you won't mind my telling you
something personal." "No," she replied, "what have you to say?".
"Well," he said, "I have always wanted to kiss a nun and I was
wondering if you did not think that that was too weird." "My good
man," the nun replied, "that is foolishness, and besides you would
have to be unmarried and a Catholic to even consider such a thing."
"As luck would have it," he said, "I am Catholic and single." "Oh
all right," the nun said, just one kiss for the good of your soul."
Whereupon they exchanged a deep throat smooch, at the end of
which the cab driver said, "I have a confession to make sister. I am
married and I am not a Catholic." "
That's ok," said the nun, "I'm Jewish, my name is Kevin, and I'm on
my way to a Halloween party."
heheha! nasty..
Here's one I like:
Chili Cook offs
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bimbo is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a **** thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like substance to match my **** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
i have this joke i read on the net:
on a sunday morning, the church was full of people. then all of a sudden satan appears.everyone yells and shouts and runs out of the church. at the end it was empty except for one man. satan asked him:" aren't u scared of me?" "no" said the man "Y" asked satan, " bacause i got married to ur sister"
:lol:
George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy."
An 85 year old widow went on a blind date with a 94 year old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house
later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead "
Well, this is an Estonian joke, but a good one.
Kaali is a meteorite crater in Estonia, fell about 4000 years ago. There is a schoolhouse nearby.
Meri is an ex-president of Estonia.
Rüütel is the current president of Estonia and Reps is a minister.
Meri, Rüütel and Reps stand at the edge of the beforementioned crater.
Meri looks at it and mutters something like: "Here this meteorite fell. Maybe our ancestors saw it."
Rüütel wants to look smart too and says: "And look how exactly it fell into this crater!"
Reps adds: "And how good that it didn't knock down the schoolhouse!"
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
Having no choice, the Jews picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------This seems like a reworked version of the joke as I first knew it. In the version I saw before, the reason the Pope offered the solution of challenging the Jews to a contest was to subtly play the diplomat to a city that pressured him to make them leave. This version doesn't make as much sense - why would the one that wanted them to leave offer them a way to remain?
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.
Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was but a lowly carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he was born in a most unusual way, was persecuted throughout his life, but underwent a great transformation and eventually became admired by millions of people... oh, and he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
Two Little Johnny jokes:
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.
I think I'm going to have a wife."
Johnny needs to run for his precious little life.
that is so adorable Virgil, hope that wasn't you and mama's conversation. :lol:
You never heard Little Johnny jokes, Rachel? I'll post a few more eventually. They tend to be naughty, though, so Ill have to be careful.Quote:
Originally Posted by rachel