I just read "To L" for the first time and wanted to say that it was superb. Outstanding work.
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I just read "To L" for the first time and wanted to say that it was superb. Outstanding work.
Okokok, here goes.Quote:
Originally Posted by DocHeart
Things that seem to be working. The rhyme scheme is something this reader liked, it seemed to hold the thing together and make it melodical when spoken aloud. The sense of coming to rest is evident in the pacing, almost like a lullaby. There is color in this poem, and there is sensation, like where there's a 'fresh breeze' and 'warm tears' and imagery of the ocean. One feels the ocean is warm in this poem.
It's as though you were too undecided about this poem. At least it feels that way to this reader. This reader accuses you of being indecisive or unsure.
PRESCRIPTION: (in this reader's opinion) Go back and meditate on poem. Ask yourself what this mother is really about and what's important to it. Try to remember how you originally wanted to feel about it. Make decisions and let your natural talent guide you and write the thing.
(not that this reader is fit to be giving prescriptions or considers himself a good enough poet to be saying anything about process to you. But he likes you and wants to offer advice, and that's cheap after all. Based on your comment about it being 'nasty', maybe you owe it to yourself to just try to come to grips with the thing anyway).
If you feel like it, Doc. Hopefully you don't take this response as pretentious or mean. Maybe you don't want advice or encouragement or even readership at this point. Maybe you don't even want to talk about the poem. But if you want to talk about the poem, work it out through conversation or something, this reader is open to that. Either right here or through PM. Whatever you want amigo.
J
The moon and the tree
"I'm tired," sighed the moon,
Pale and waning,
And leant to the right
To rest its back
On dark branches
That reached up
To receive it.
"Rest here," cooed the tree,
"I've doused my leaves
In the rare moisture
Of eyes that see your golden skin
And cry."
This is lovely Doc. Dare I suggest that you replace "and leant" with leaning? Not sure about the last line. I feel the ending would be stronger with a consonant. Weep perhaps?
Really like it though.
Live and be well - H
I read this a few days ago, but was wandering for a while, so comment only now - It's a subtle example of pathetic fallacy and a beautiful, evocative, touching poem, Doc! I would only suggest to end it at "golden skin", for crying is alluded to in "rare moisture". Enjoyed a lot, thank you!Quote:
Originally Posted by DocHeart
Sorry I missed some of these on the first go around, but I've got a fairly good excuse.
#100-- I wouldn't change a thing. It is "simple," meaning the kind of simplicity that goes hand in hand with elegance. Just like a batter who doesn't need to swing for the fences but merely bring in a runner from third base, sometimes our most effective poems are the ones in which we don't try to do too much. Therein lies their power.
#108 I agree with Hawkman on "leaning." The other two descriptive words are adjectives, so you need the participle, not the verb, for balance. The only other change I make is in the line breaks of the three concluding lines:
In the rare moistureQuote:
In the rare moisture
Of eyes that see your golden skin
And cry.
of eyes that see
your golden skin
and cry.
Simply beautiful, Doc. When this reader read it after you first posted it he knew it was special.Quote:
Originally Posted by DocHeart
J
Where are you Doc???
Right here, my dear, right here. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Bar22do
A thank-you to all of you who have taken time to read and comment. I appreciate and learn from your input.
Best,
DH
Summer in the City
On frying pavements
You all stand still
Like sweating statues.
Those cracks on the surface
Are big enough to swallow you
But you float above somehow.
This vicious sun
Should shred your skin
Should melt your eyes
But you're intact. Intact!
Are you people?
Look:
Fear has stopped that man's heart.
Worry has whipped that young girl's face.
Despair robbed that old lady of her zimmer frame.
Hunger stole that student's dignity.
Statistics took this baby's mother away.
Why are you all so still?
I particularly like the last line of S1 DocHeart as if to say 'live!' or be grateful. The range of imagery and everyday realities under a hot beating sun is very well blended to culminate in the final question.
This is deeply humane, moving, denouncing... while the heat continues as does human indifference... well said, Doc. Glad "I" brought you back! Let's pretend it was not a coincidence. Great to read you as always.
'To L' is really magnificeny. You really out did yourself, you old fart!
J
Quote:
Originally Posted by DocHeart
Hmmmm...
J
Clog
Water ran; mixed with
My five-o-clock shadow
And shaving foam
And your long brown strands,
It became a filthy obstruction
The disgusting froth
Of heated arguments
Pointlessly reheated.
Too narrow the drain,
Too feeble the excuses and apologies:
The muck stayed there.
It formed a nasty lake
Infested with insults and indicisiveness.
Couplehood is easy for the young,
The unscarred, the pure of heart.
But for you and me it's a lost cause;
A brief battle to let feelings flow,
To be sincere; to accept intimacy.
When defeat floods the floor
Mould forms over our words;
Slime drowns our hearts.