write or share a poem

Hello everyone:

I've been writing a lot recently and most people tell me not to hold back. I didn't realize that I was, but I've been making a conscious effort not to. I've posted this separately, so I am sorry for doing it again, but most of the time nobody comments on the other and I would really like some criticism.

This was the second strictly 'not holding back' poem that I wrote and it was especially painful. I'm hoping that the desperation of the second half will register. I didn't do it consciously, but it's definitely there. There's a long story about the subject, but I don't think you all want me to bore you with it ... heh.

do you love me still?

do you sit without company
to remember what has been
so accutely dimmed by
hindsight?

do you wander on rainy days;
half-empty soul from the loss of me?

do you still call me sweetheart
in your mind?

can you still hear my voice when
you try hard enough?
and the way I smelled
when you halted my cries?

do you try at all?

are you pushing with everything
your strength contains to
remember?

are you spending your days
pulling and prodding and
prying and gathering
in order to bring me back?

do you write and sing and cry
and dream and love and wonder?

and are you restless with dark nightmares
in which I do not return to you
in tears and whistles,
songs and slow motion?

can you breathe without me?

My heart,
do you still love me at all?

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Originally Posted by Arania

Hello everyone:

I've been writing a lot recently and most people tell me not to hold back. I didn't realize that I was, but I've been making a conscious effort not to. I've posted this separately, so I am sorry for doing it again, but most of the time nobody comments on the other and I would really like some criticism.

This was the second strictly 'not holding back' poem that I wrote and it was especially painful. I'm hoping that the desperation of the second half will register. I didn't do it consciously, but it's definitely there. There's a long story about the subject, but I don't think you all want me to bore you with it ... heh.

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Arania, I loved it! I can see it was from personal experience and out of pain and longing. It was a very honest poem and interesting to surmise the thought of the departed person. I admire the honesty in someone. I wrote a poem a while back called "Frozen Summer" and I was told I really put myself up front with that poem. I had written that one and another called "Empty Teacup" and I received much encouragement. I had written these after a broken love affair and a very sad time in my life. I imagine your story would be somewhat like mine. The point is it is always best to write the things dearest to our thoughts and our hearts. I like your closing line very much. Keep up the good work and do not hold back....write your heart out and express yourself. That is what we are here for....and of course, to have fun. My best, Janine

Thank you so much, Janine. You are always so encouraging. I would really love to read those poems of yours if you would allow. (If not, I completely understand.)

Take Care.

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Originally Posted by Janine

:) Ok, since I got such decent reviews I will post another:

frozen summer

summer
lost forever
rain too often falls
or perhaps not often enough
with the promise of weeds

for you have left me
a distant voice ending
your last words stain me
I am numb in disbelief
I am frozen in winter once more

nothing is real
the garden is untouched
by human hands, weeds thrive
I cannot bear to look upon its horrid beauty
it blooms in spite of you and I

in spite of my neglect and turning away
butterflies come in abundance
as though to say “we survive”
...only because it is summer
but winter freezes my heart

Janine Summer 2003

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I found them.

This makes me cry because I totally get it. "I am numb in disbelief." It totally makes sense as well as "they bloom in spite of you and I." And then you try to turn away to forget about it but you're always reminded of it.

My best friend (who also happens to be the love of my life) moved eight hours away. We were so close that we could understand each other without even speaking. When he left, it tore me apart. It's been two years and I still feel like half of me is missing. All of that sounds ridiculous when I tell you I'm just a senior in high school... but somehow I know it is real. (Though it sounds like a dumb teenager thing.)

So, your poem really really touched me.

It is so beautifully written; you do not give your self enough credit. Please, don't think you are a bad poet. We would lose a great one if you did. I am being totally honest about that.

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Originally Posted by Arania

I found them.

This makes me cry because I totally get it. "I am numb in disbelief." It totally makes sense as well as "they bloom in spite of you and I." And then you try to turn away to forget about it but you're always reminded of it.

My best friend (who also happens to be the love of my life) moved eight hours away. We were so close that we could understand each other without even speaking. When he left, it tore me apart. It's been two years and I still feel like half of me is missing. All of that sounds ridiculous when I tell you I'm just a senior in high school... but somehow I know it is real. (Though it sounds like a dumb teenager thing.)

So, your poem really really touched me.

It is so beautifully written; you do not give your self enough credit. Please, don't think you are a bad poet. We would lose a great one if you did. I am being totally honest about that.

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Arania, thanks so much for taking the time to find and read my poems. Thanks for the complements. I wrote them 3 or more yrs ago, and sometimes I still feel the same stabbing heartache. No matter how young or old we are, there are some things we will never, ever get over. We can go on with our lives, but they remain somewhere within us. We just store them safely away. My love (of 5 yrs) also had become my best friend. When he departed it felt like a death; it may as well have been one, since I have no communication with him now. I wrote a poem about that, but never posted it on here, thinking it too personal.
Like you, I totally connected to your poem emotionally. I think like you in your poem, more often than I can say and I really felt your poem put into words thoughts of my own. Your saddness was so well expressed and the poem is so lovely and flows well, with good meter and progression. Your poem really "touched" me, too. I am not an expert on poetry, but I really do think it is good. I would be anxious now to hear more of your poetry. Keep writing and amazing me.
Thanks again! Janine

This poem might appear a bit harsh and plainly untrue in consideration to some specific societies, but I based this poem on personal experience and quotidian occurrences in my ghetto neighborhood. In this poem I try to convey a message without directly alluding to my topic. For instance I use "Sex" instead of "Woman"... Please read, debate, and correct at will. Thanks. :

What became of those dogged and intrepid hearts,
universally considered the lesser sex,
but courageous and defying none the less,
walking hand in hand abreast,
many hearts together,
all beating in one,
hands of steel with signs advocating specific rights,
voting rights, job rights, religious rights,
a people differentiated by their sex,
how blind the world was,
they had had enough,
an epic change, new pupils in empty sockets
they made that change and were respected,
but what has become of it now?
in the music industry, in the "other" industry
blatantly in society,
they strut about with scarce attire,
permit themselves to be slapped and jostled
by what they formerly proved their equal but opposite sex,
why relinquish freedom,
just to please others,
why show yourself in invidious ways,
and consider it normal and conventional,
we need a change once again,
those people of that dogged sex,
cannot arise with hands of steel and signs advocating wants,
for they bring this adversity on themselves.

Gee, I have to think about this one and re-read it. I think I really like it and the idea. It seems you lived in the wrong time period, Adolescent. You have scrupples! Good for you. I think I can see between the lines quite well, and I will study it closer; it is not vague, really at all.

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definitely i love it especially

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Originally Posted by Arania

do you wander on rainy days;
half-empty soul from the loss of me?

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this image of a "half empty soul" is gorgeos, making it sound as if your emotion is drained, but still there just enough to remind you of the pain

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Originally Posted by Triskele

[

definitely i love it especially


this image of a "half empty soul" is gorgeos, making it sound as if your emotion is drained, but still there just enough to remind you of the pain

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I like the way her poem takes the imagined point of view of the lost lover. That is quite different and poignant. I have thought of things like that, such as "what is he doing now?", etc. It makes the poem go straight to my heart.

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Originally Posted by Janine

Gee, I have to think about this one and re-read it. I think I really like it and the idea. It seems you lived in the wrong time period, Adolescent. You have scrupples! Good for you. I think I can see between the lines quite well, and I will study it closer; it is not vague, really at all.

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Thanks Janine. It wasn't vague?? Oh well I tried. :)

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Originally Posted by Adolescent09

Thanks Janine. It wasn't vague?? Oh well I tried. :)

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I have to study this one a bit. I will let you know if I think it vague. Vague may be ok, or universal or obscure....I may be the one that is vague reading it. I have read many poems on this site I thought were pretty vague. In that case usually the person reading it makes up his own personal interpretation, don't you think?

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Originally Posted by Adolescent09

Thanks Janine. It wasn't vague?? Oh well I tried. :)

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I made a comment before this; since then I read your poem again. I think it is about women's rights, and all the movement gained; then to evenutally lose that in some way, by the fact that now they have reverted back to being the object of men's chauvenistic ways, when you said:

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they strut about with scarce attire,
permit themselves to be slapped and jostled
by what they formerly proved their equal but opposite sex,
why relinquish freedom,

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I think the music industry would be only one example of this being true. Society as a whole, at least here in the US is still seeing women in this light and it is rather a pathetic thing. Girls become anorexic to please the mass media and thus become slaves to the whole system of having to be beautiful and thin. This is but one example.

So - is my interpretation of your poem correct or close? If so I do not think it vague at all. But you may have been afraid to say exactly what you meant. I still think it is a good poem. I hope this helps.

i like the poem, but i think that perhaps the music industry is too broad of an example to hold anything but a vague generalization. however the poem does hold some truth i think, especially the portion about rights had, then lost, well done teen.

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Originally Posted by Janine

I made a comment before this; since then I read your poem again. I think it is about women's rights, and all the movement gained; then to evenutally lose that in some way, by the fact that now they have reverted back to being the object of men's chauvenistic ways, when you said:



I think the music industry would be only one example of this being true. Society as a whole, at least here in the US is still seeing women in this light and it is rather a pathetic thing. Girls become anorexic to please the mass media and thus become slaves to the whole system of having to be beautiful and thin. This is but one example.

So - is my interpretation of your poem correct or close? If so I do not think it vague at all. But you may have been afraid to say exactly what you meant. I still think it is a good poem. I hope this helps.

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Yes, Janine you nailed it accurately, although my objective with this poem was completely shredded lol.. The problem with my poem is that it is way too controversial..

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Originally Posted by Adolescent09

Yes, Janine you nailed it accurately, although my objective with this poem was completely shredded lol.. The problem with my poem is that it is way too controversial..

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i disagree, poetry to me at least to me is to put out into the world of words all the things that nobody else dares to say, whether they are hopelessly trivial images of beauty, wonderfully obsessive ideas of love, or painful truths. use your words to make a statement, and that i think you have done. thank you adolescant, well played.