Ah you cheeky, you! Isn't it great when such a short piece can tell such a big tale. Well done again my friend. :)
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Ah you cheeky, you! Isn't it great when such a short piece can tell such a big tale. Well done again my friend. :)
Prince, Hill, Mary, as always I appreciated your comments!
That sounds a far better christmas than having him, haunted, as he will let you down, screw you over and leave your neck on a railway line. Before you know where you are you will be driving like a woman possessed.
John reckons Jane deserves more .
x
Well restrained and effective, Haunted. The ending opens the poem out nicely and works well.
I might suggest adding a full stop or other punctuation mark after 'mirror' in the last stanza to make the reader pause before the last line is delivered. And should line 6 start: has been cleared?
Otherwise, a concise, well-written piece.
Jerry, what makes you think that I'm not already driving like a woman possessed?
btw welcome back. John has spoken and Jane is pleased.
b/v, thanks for your comment, it does look like some punctuation or separation is necessary after "mirror". I'm not big on punctuation so I broke it off into it's own stanza. As for "has been cleared", it's too wordy for my ears, and "ice's been cleared" looks and sounds ugly with the apostrophe. So I'm just going to leave as is. (That also happens to be how some of us talk on this side of the pond.)
I am sure you only ever drive possessed with no wipers no matter the weather and a screwdriver on the dashboard...
I love your zingers at the end! Well done, good and faithful poet. :)
Jerry, about the screwdriver on the dashboard, you just gave me an idea for a poem. I hope I still remember to write it after the screwdriver wears off.
Qim, I live and breath zingers, so glad you enjoyed them!
A Short Collection of Trashy Poems
introduction
D22 westbound
Victoria’s other secret
paper chase
love story
forcast
overnight snow
the little dancer
his green eyes
September 2nd
existence
dinner date
don't take my baby
car talk
Google Earth
dead on
postmarked 1948
My name is Jane
all I ever want for Christmas
hazardous driving
of cat and men (a Christmas poem)
the anesthesiologist
Adam's apple pie
honesty
fashionably speaking
I feel safe going out
with my Steve Madden
combat boots are necessities
’cos everyday could be war
but tonight looking sideways
at two emptied wine glasses
I’m just gonna pull them off
dangle my feet over the side
of the posh lip shaped sofa
and call for a truce
I have to admit I had to look up who/what Steve Madden is...
Another fine one girl... You keep all these good poems up... I may have to move to America to be with my favourite poet. :)
I love the narrative casualness of this and especially the kind of impromptu last four lines.
I love the sly theme of 'combat' that kicks off the piece and also neatly concludes it - is love not a battle fought between the sheets?
There's so much eroticism within the phrase posh lip shaped sofa given the context.
And to surrender so meekly after some vino! You're obviously a cheap date.
H :-)
Mary, I'm going to crank up the poem machine, book your flight now!
Prince, thanks. Yeah, formal somehow just doesn't go with Steve Madden.
Hill, say it isn't so! It's $300 a bottle...okay, $75, but still! Once again, your interpretation is right on the money :)
This is a worthwhile collection to tune into. Glad I did. You have an economical way of creating drama, great images (a little reminiscent of PaperLeaves) and arresting turns into the personal.
I'm definately a fan.
hi Haunted ..
Nice poem .. i love it :)
Lovely collections you go !
The syntax in the first two stanzas, with break awkward and noun article-less ('are necessity') make this as clumpy as those combat boots, which is either a nicely achieved use of form reflecting content, or an example of what is called the 'mimetic fallacy' (eg. that a poem about boredom should itself be boring).
But it's an effective use of synecdoche, the hard-*** boots representing the narrator's defensiveness. And the final metaphor is a brilliant touch. Nice work, Haunted.
firefangled I'm blown away with your totally amazing comment, thank you so much!
Hoope so glad you enjoyed it : )
b|v, I gave 'are necessity' some thought but in the end decided to drop the article because it slows down the flow and really doesn't add any meaning to the line. On reading your comment I changed it to plural so it can go without an article. If it sounds clumpy it's not intended. I don't see how else I would change the line breaks so I'll leave it as of now. Thanks for your time, I appreciated your comment!
I have a bit of a problem with the transition form L2 -L3, but apart from that it's a cracking little poem, Haunted.
Best, H
thanks Hawk, I'm get cracking on the next one
A well penned, effective and original take in this, Haunted.
The "posh lip shaped sofa", as well as the last L are really great.
The two lines in the middle render so well the usual feeling of threat from which N decides to rest in S3.
Like B/V I noticed your nice use of synecdoche.
Best from Bar
Bar Thanks so much, the "posh lip shaped sofa" welcomes you and your comment. Cheers!
I too had to google steve madden and he wasnt what I thought he would be. I love your 48 but so many of your poems are in the 20's in my head with all the class given to that decade and deserving of a screwdiver drinking, screwed up, loved, member of this brown painted room.
Jerry, it's so uncanny that you mentioned the 20s because that's exactly what I have in mind for a poem incubating in my head. I see that you officially moved to 1948. I'll get you a screwdriver.
of cat and men
in the old world brick fireplace
red tongues hungrily consume
the bitter drafts that sweep
across the family room floor
on the warmed fringe throw rug
a cat and a dog in a world of two
eyes closed in hearty content
as they listen for every crackle
from the homely fire
the calico molds herself
into the side of the basset hound
her man, her rock
below the cherry colored calligraphy
I imagined scripting my own
us, winter 2010
but then you don’t care for
Christmas cards
and I never reached
for the pen
I don't think you really mean under the calligraphy? That short 3rd verse is especially moving, and the last verse is very sad (though I think "from anyone" is superfluous information, unless you mean it as a hint that the "basset" has something of an anti-social condition in general).
One imagines the writer identifying herself with the calico cat - and her estranged other half has perhaps been replaced by the bassett hound.
The decision not to write the Christmas card after all - realizing the sentiments would be wasted - is particularly touching.
H
You always touch deeply, especially when pets are involved... "Us, winter 2010" sounds quite self-sufficient, I think! Happy Christmas and new year... (this is not a card, and I hope you do care :smile5:) Bar
Bar, yes I care!! Thank you so much!
Prince, by "calligraphy" I mean the printed calligraphed greeting card copy. I rephrased it, hope it's clearer now. The "basset" isn't anti-social (your reference managed to extract a chuckle from me despite the prevailing sadness). "From anyone" is to say that the "cat" is just anyone to him and not someone special, whether it's really the case or only self-perceived. I added that as an afterthought, it was not in the original version. I'm going with your comment and have taken it out.
Hill, estranged indeed. How did you know? Your psychic abilities is amazing. It's one of those "based on a true story" story, sigh. No dog replacement. She already has a "guy" cat that shares some characteristics with a dog, namely drinking from the toilet.
My psychic abilities are purely down to your skill as a writer in conveying the context... and for a moment there I thought you were inferring the cat shares the toilet-drinking habits of the estranged one! :-)
H
no no, just the caninish feline!! :=D
You character. Took me a moment or two, to work out the cat and dog thing. But I married it all up and came to the conclusion that you are an excellent poet. I often wonder why though, that you call this a thread a trashy thread. Your work never ceases to amaze me. This one being my favourite - well for a while, or until you create another amazing one. :)
In this case I hope that one man's trash is another man's treasure. You're a doll for saying that, Mary.
Haunted, this was done so well. You know the secret of less is more in that ending.
Fire, thanks so much, I enjoy reading your comments as always!
New Year's Eve at Times Square
the countdown has begun:
the first day of the year
would be her last
she is the centerpiece
a sultry nude frozen in
a sculptured block of irony
of all the millionnaires
and filthy rich heirs
at the high society A list party
her heart beats only
for the penniless porter
at the stroke of midnight
he would sweep her up
and they would walk down
the aspalt aisle of Broadway
attended by a million guests
after the ball dropped
so did a tear
and then another
and another
they were supposed to
live happily ever after
she weeps all night
she’s losing her head...
on new year’s day
the porter mechanically
reaches for a floor mop
and proceeds toward a pool
of melted ice
she is the centerpiece
a sultry nude frozen in
a sculptured block of irony
is especially fine, given that one half imagines the word "ivory" that would have been the ideal, romanticized preference here. And throughout this, there's a sort of hands-off approach that keeps the piece from becoming mawkish.
This is so, so subtle - almost a reversal of the Pygmalion myth.
Bravo madame
H
Prince I don't want them to think ivory. It's an ice sculpture and I want to show the fragility of life and the transience of love. I'm wondering now if I should change "sculptured block of irony" to "an icy block of irony". But "frozen" and "icy" seems redundant and I would be repeating ice again in the last line...hmm
Hill, I didn't see that at first, how interesting. Happy endings would be good sometime. I should try it. Thank you sir :=)
No, the fleeting thought of "ivory" only intensifies your use of "irony," which works here extremely well!Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted