I heard something similar, but the punchline was:
"While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed!"
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I heard something similar, but the punchline was:
"While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed!"
Having married a New York girl, this isn't far from the truth.
Quote:
New York Women
>
> Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new
> wives straight on their duties.
>
> The first man had married a woman from Washington and bragged that he had
> told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
> needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on
> the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed
> and put away.
>
> The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given
> his wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told
> his
> buddies that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it
> was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done
> and
> he had a huge dinner on the table.
>
> The third man had married a woman from New York. He boasted that he told
> her
> that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
> laundry washed and hot meals on the table three times a day. He said the
> first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,
> but
> by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
> little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
> dishwasher and telephone a lawn service.
>
> Gotta love those New York girls!!!!!
I needed to wait for my train so I decided to get a pint in the pub next to the station. It was a pokey little place; dimly dirty and smoke-filled. There weren't many customers this early and most had the look of fixtures and fittings. I swear that they were as thickly coated in dust, and as nicotine stained, as the mirror behind the bar and the prints of old steam locos that hung on every wall.
I bought a pint of "Old Dogleg" and found myself a table to sit at. I was rummaging in my bag for a book to read when I noticed the jukebox, tucked away by the side of the bar. I find it easier to read with music playing, so I felt in my pocket for some change and wandered across to the machine. I dropped a couple of pounds into the slot and started looking for songs that I liked. I'd selected a couple when a voice startled me; it was quiet enough but only a few inches from my right ear.
"'Ave yer picked owt by The King?" (The last two words were definitely capitalised.)
I started back and took a look at my interrogator. I remembered noticing him when I'd entered. He had been sitting at a table near the door, nursing a half of milk stout with a half-full ashtray of hand-rolled dog-ends in front of him. He was dressed in shades of grey, brown and uncertain, flat-capped and stubbled, smelling of Old Holborn tobacco, old (but regularly cleaned) clothes, and some kind of liniment (witch hazel?). He carried a stick, which made me wonder how he had manage to appear behind me so silently.
When I failed to reply immediately, he pressed his point, "Well, 'ave yer?"
"The king?, I mumbled, "I'm not really an Elvis fan..."
"Elvis!!", he interjected, "I'm not on about bloody Elvis. 'E weren't the King!" (that capital letter again) "I'm on about the greatest singer there's ever bin! Got all 'is records I 'ave. On proper records too - not that DVD rubbish! Bloody Elvis!!"
He snorted then, and rolled his eyes towards the once-white ceiling. For all his age and infirmity, I felt for some reason that I was on shaky ground here. Perhaps it was that I suspected him of being "not quite all there", a little bit of the "but for the grace of God..." syndrome, I don't know. I waited, but he seemed capable of outwaiting a tree, so eventually I muttered something like, "Mm yes, the king, right." This started him off again.
"The King, that's 'im. Got all 'is records I 'ave. 'E woz Rock'n'Roll. Nah nah nah na-nah na-nah nah." (To be honest, this could have been anything! He was as tone-deaf as he was patently deranged) "Best song ever that were! An' 'e wrote 'undreds like it. Not many o' these modern Nancy's can say that can they?"
"Erm, no. I suppose not."
"Course not! Not one of 'em!!" He shouted this last, spittle dotting my glasses. "So? Yer picked owt by 'Im?" (He even capitalised the pronoun, I swear!)
I had to ask him in the end who he was talking about. He gave me a look then, like I'd just crawled out of a swamp, and said, in a condescending and superior tone, "'Who? Who d'yer think? The greatest! THE KING!! The man 'imself! The Man In Black! Sunglassers! Best Singer! Best guitarist! There's only bin one like 'im!"
I was beginning to get the idea from his clues and interrupted, "Oh, of course, you mean R..."
"That's right!" he exclaimed, "The one and only. Best there's ever bin and ever will be. That Ray Orbinson!!!!!"
"No", I said, "I've not picked anything by him yet. But I will."
He patted my upper arm with an old twig of a hand, the angle between the first two fingers was ochre from the decades of cigarettes that had rested there, he turned and walked back to his table, the hint of a smile playing with the edges of his mouth. "The King." he muttered.
Was that just too subtle for me, or is there more to it?
In a small town there were only two churches, whose pastors were constantly feuding. It didn't help that the churches were side by side and only seperated by a narrow alley. One Sunday, the pastor in one church heard the other church's choir singing "Will There Be Any Stars In My Crown?" He immediately motioned to his own choral director. Their next hymn was sung as loudly as possible: "No Not One."
Yeah, I've heard it that way as well, Robin. Funny either way. :lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
So a week later another armless man shows up at the elder's door. "My brother had worked here and died. I was unable to get here in time for the funeral but I'm here now. I also can ring the bells the way my late brother could and would really like to have his job as a kind of tribute to him." After a brief demonstration the Elders approved and said he could start the next Sunday. Sunday comes and the bells are heard for miles around. The elders are impressed with the wonderful music. This continues for several weeks and the crouds at the church become larger every week. Then one Sunday at the regular time the bell ringer begins running at and colliding with the bells and the beautiful music begins. He continues back and forth and as he move out of the corner of his eye he spots something yellow. Alas, another banana peel. He tries to miss it but slips and goes flying out over the edge and falls over the edge and plummets to his death. Again the crowd begins to congregate and again someone asks,"who is he?" This time one of the elders says " I never knew his name but he's a dead ringer for his brother."Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
Ba doom boom.
I'm gonna have to add that to my repetoire.Quote:
Originally Posted by steve12553
:lol: I've heard both and they both make me laugh.
I got this from an article addressing the validity of IQ tests.
Mensa
A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and a bunch of Mensa members were lunching at a local café. They discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "We couldn't help but notice that pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles, switched them, and said, "Will that be one check or separate?"
Hahaha, that's a good one. It's like the one about the astrophysicists screwing in the light bulb.
I have always passed by this thread because to me, contrived jokes are mainly base and low class and embarrasing. But I was feeling terribly stressed and thought I would take a peek. Still don't like them, I like spontaneous wit like Em and M'Lord always exhibit.
But I really did love the Mensa thing.It was the best!
This isn't a joke but it reminds me of the frasier episode where he takes his father's dog Eddie to be fixed and Eddie escapes into that large park in Seattle.
Niles has gotten lost in the park and ran from a racoon and a twisted scarey old man that turned out to be a hedge. Frasier tries to help him realize where he is. So he remembers back to his boyscout days and tells Niles to look up into the heavens and try to find Orion's belt. He is talking about degrees this way and that and his father in utter exasperation says"Oh for God's sake just follow the honking of the horn.' He honks and Niles comes right away. Sometimes those Mensa guys are so smart they are dumb.
Haha, I LOVE Frasier. So intellectual, and yet so lost.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
How many Rebels does it take to kill a Stormtrooper?
None--head trauma will kill the Trooper for them. (Episode IV inside joke...:D)
Robin,
In all this world can there possibly be a more endearing person than you?(no really I want to know)
This one is truly horrible, and I apologize in advance. But the "which book are you" thread told me I was vulgar, so I must abide.
Q: What do mathematicians do when they're constipated?
A: They work it out with a pencil.
oh my gawd,
my brother used to say that all the time along with "smooth move exlax" when I made a mistake.
And here I had the most lofty vision of you Beer, up there with oh I don't know prime ministers, Bob and Doug McKenzie( you have to be Canadian to appreciate that)
I always see you in jeans, a white shirt, at a nifty shining desk and you always have a beer in your hand, the teli on to watch sports and a picture of a tiny blonde.
and now this, gasp!
To attempt to reinstall dear Rachel's faith in me, here are a couple of slightly more high-brow jokes.
****
A mathematician, an statistician and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathemetician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The statistician says "Hmmm... on average, four. Give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and whispers "What do you want it to equal?"
****
A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, "Lets smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Lets build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Lets assume that we have a can-opener..."
****
And on the same note, a mechanic, an electrical engineer, a chemist and a computer helpdesk operative are out driving when suddenly the car's engine dies and they're standing on the side of the road unable to start it. The mechanic says: "Something's wrong with the engine. Let's open the hood and have a look." The electrical engineer says: "The electrical system is on the fritz. Let's check and see if the battery is working." The chemist says: "We're obviously out of gas. Let's run to the nearest gas station and buy some more." The computer helpdesk operative says: "Look, let's just get out of the car, slam the doors, walk around it and then get back in and try again."
I've got a couple of similar ones: -
************
An economist, a statistician and a mathematician are on a train, heading into Scotland.
Suddenly the economist says, "Ah, look, the cows in Scotland are black."
The statistician looks out at the window and replies, "Well, some of them are definitely black. But that doesn't necessarily mean that all of them (or even the majority of them) are black.", and nudging the mathematician, "What do you think?"
The mathematician looks up from his Penguin Compendium of Interesting and Amusing Differential Equations and looks out of the window at the cow-field. After a few seconds of beard-pulling and contemplation, he scribbles a few words on a notepad, rips off the page and presents it to the statistician.
The statistician reads the note (with great difficulty he manages to decipher the mathematician's scrawl). It reads as follows:
"In Scotland there exists a minimum of one cow, one side of which appears black when viewed from a train."
******************
A catholic priest, a Rabbi and an Imam are engaging in an ecumenical, 'bonding' weekend. They have decided to spend the week fishing on a lake and are to be found sitting together, rods extended, in a rowing boat in the middle of said lake.
"You know what?" says the priest, "This fishing is thirsty work. I could do with a glass of whiskey."
The Imam, seeing an opportunity for cross-faith cooperation, says, "I'll get it. You carry on fishing." He stands up, steps over the side of the boat and calmly walks to the shore, where he enters their cabin, emerging a few minutes later with a half-full tumbler of Jamesons. He walks back across the lake and presents it to the priest, saying, "I am against drink myself. But in the interests of peace, I have made this effort on your behalf."
The priest is amazed at the Imam's ability to walk on water and mumbles his thanks, he is about to ask about the miracle, when the Imam continues, "Oh dear. I really should have picked up my hashish while I was there. A good smoke would really make this boat trip pass in a far more agreable manner."
The Rabbi speaks up, "My friend! I do not approve of the use of hashish, but I realise that it a part of your culture, so I will volunteer to fetch it for you." Without hesitation, he steps over the side of the boat and strides off to the shore, retrieving the Imam's stash from the cabin.
The priest is by now completely flabbergasted, "How powerful must their Gods be if they can let their servants walk on water in this way?" he asks himself. "Surely, the one true God will prove just as mighty." and he waits for an opportunity to prove his faith.
Several hours later, the Rabbi sneezes. The priest leaps upon his chance! "Allow me to go and fetch you a tissue." he cries, leaping over the side of the boat.
There is a huge splash, as the priest's somewhat less than svelte frame enters the water, displacing (according to Archimedian principles) an equal amount of that substance.
The Imam looks at the Rabbi and asks, "Do you think we should tell him about the stepping stones?"
Oh I love that, I was a wreck waiting to see how it unfolded. somehow I never see you sitting around telling jokes. it gives me a wierd feeling like when you wake up and can't feel your head.
Beer, that was good. Intelligent humour is so stuck up and funny at the same time. Rather like having an enema in a costly hospital while watching Seinfeld.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a drug addict & a cultured glaswegian are walking along the raod and see a $50 note on the ground. Who picks it up?
The drug addict of course, the other three are mythical creatures.
*******
I'm also going to include this here, it'll probably mean little to any of you but XC might get a kick out of it:
England supporters awaiting the arrival of the 'Grand slam express' are advised that due to a points failure and subsequent derailment at Murrayfield, the 18.12 from Edinburgh has been cancelled.
Further bad news as the A1 south has been blocked by a large number of wheelless chariots. Police advise that any owner of a vehicle unable to swing low, should call Scottish emergency services and await the arrival of someone coming for to carry them home.
*******
And finally back to poking fun at my own culture:
A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's no good to do that now, the jacket's ruined"
He replies "Aye, I know, but my sandwiches are in the pocket"
Lots of people wake up and can't feel my head, they are the lucky ones - certainly tomorrow they will be - I'm heading for a hangover the size of Argentina!Quote:
Originally Posted by rachel
Answer: Naaahh!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Xamonas Chegwe
Hehe. But in all the versions I've heard, the rabbi looks back at the imam and asksQuote:
Originally Posted by Xamonas Chegwe
"What stepping stones?"
Be my guest. I heard it from an electrical instructor about 18 years ago.Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Two friends go to the vatican while touring italy, one of the guys is really into barbequing, so he always carries a portable bbq with him.
So when they reach the vatican, the bbq guy sets up his portable bbq under the popes bedroom window, his friend terrified that they are going to get arrested or excmunicated hides behind a pillar after unsuccesfully trying to talk his friend out of this crazy endevour. The guy behind the pillar peeks out behind just enough to see what the pope will do to his friend when he sees him...so in a few minutes the pope walks onto the balcony above the bbq and makes the sign of the cross in the air with his hand and returns inside his room. The guy behind the pillar is completely shocked...he walks up to his friend, who is now packing up his bbq and sais "wow man you were right, the pope does like bbqing as much as you do, I suprised you got a papal blessing", his friend replies "er no, he said you, your bbq, your friend behind the pillar...get the hell out!" :D
Pearls before swine
enough said :D
Jokes that, being from Ohio, are close to my heart:
Four college alumni were climbing a mountain--an Ohio State grad, a
Michigan grad, a Penn State grad and a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed
they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni and loved their
school the most. As they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH!"
Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then
shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE NITTANY LIONS!" and hurled himself off the
side of the mountain. Of course, also not wanting to be outdone, the Ohio State grad shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES," walked over and pushed the Michigan grad over the side of the mountain.
---
Have you heard the news? Lloyd Carr is only going to dress twenty-two players for the game against Ohio State. The rest of the players have to dress themselves.
---
Last one, I swear :) You may not understand it unless you're more familiar with the OSU/Michigan programs and rivalry:
Lloyd carr was on the Ohio 5 yard line in the closing seconds of a game
tied 14 - 14 and prayed for inspiration. He looked to the heavens and said, "God, what play should I call?"
God answered, "Throw a flat pass to the right." Lloyd called the play and it was intercepted and returned all the way for a touchdown giving Ohio State the win. Lloyd once again looked to the heavens and said, "God, why did you call that play?"
God paused and said, "Hey Woody, why did we call that play?"
[QUOTE][QUOTE=higley]Jokes that, being from Ohio, are close to my heart:
Four college alumni were climbing a mountain--an Ohio State grad, a
Michigan grad, a Penn State grad and a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed
they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni and loved their
school the most. As they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH!"
Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then
shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE NITTANY LIONS!" and hurled himself off the
side of the mountain. Of course, also not wanting to be outdone, the Ohio State grad shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES," walked over and pushed the Michigan grad over the side of the mountain.
Higley
This year I just met a friend who went to Ohio State and she is vicious when it comes to Michigan. I didn't realize how passionate this rivalry was until this past fall when the two teams had their annual meeting. She sent me a whole series of these jokes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by higley
haha!! That's funny I've always heard those jokes a little differently! Kinda like this:
"What are the first words a successful Ohio State Graduate would say?
Welcome to McDonalds can I take your order? "
or
"How do you get an Ohio State grad off your porch?
Pay them for the pizza."
Some other mathematician jokes:
A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are given the following information: two people go into a house and after some amount of time, three come out. How would you comment?
The bioligist: Ah, they procreated!
The physicist: It must be a mistake of measurement.
The mathematician: If one person would go inside now, the house would be empy again!
*Once the science faculty needed some costly equipment and the dean of the faculty went to the universitys' administration to scrounge some money.
"Listen," didn't the prorector understand. "Why do you need so much money? Take the mathematicians as your models - they only need paper, pens/pencils and paperbins. Or the philosphers - they need only pens and paper"
*
The crocodile theorem:
Theorem: Every crocodile is more wide than long.
Proof: Let's take an arbitrary corcodile. We need two lemmas for this proof.
Lemma 1: Crocodile is more wide than green.
Proof: Let's look at the crocodile from upside - it is green and wide. Now let's look at the crocodile from below - it is wide but not green - so the lemma 1 is proven.
Lemma 2: Crocodile is more green than long.
Proof: Let's look at the crocodile from upside again. The crocodile is green both lengthways and widthways but the crocodile is long only lengthways - the lemma 2 is proven.
The proof of the theorem originates from these lemmas.
*
Problem: Crocodile A is 6 metres long from head to tail How long is it from tail to head?
Answer: 1 metre. We solve the problem using analogy with a known problem. There are six days from Monday to Sunday, but one day from Sunday to Monday.
*
This joke is about a statician that drowned in a river that was 1 metre deep on average.
Since my 15th wedding aniversary will be coming up in a few months, I thought this was funny.
Marriage Counseling
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I golf."
Virgil, the rivalry really is pretty vicious :D Red Sox/Yankees got nothing on us. Here's a few more :P
---
General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."
The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."
The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."
"Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?"
After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."
---
Ann Arbor News Report: Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
---
papayahead: yea, I've heard those too, 'cept they go the other way around. :D
Great fun words! I've seen some of these in past years but some are new, at least to me. I've always loved "seagull manager," quite appropriate around where I work.
Quote:
NEW WORDS FOR 2006: Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace ....(and elsewhere)
1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
A Scotsman walks into a pub and orders three double whiskies. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the barman, eventually finishing the other two.
Next day he comes in and does the same. This goes on for a few days until the barman finally says: "You know, I can put all those doubles in a pint glass for you."
"No, no, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers, but one lives in America now and the other in Australia, so this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together."
The barman agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, then one day, the Scotsman orders only two doubles. The barman begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. Finally, he asks: "Is everything all right?"
"What do you mean?" replies the Scotsman.
"Well", the barman says, "All these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two, I hope something didn’t happen to one of your brothers."
"Oh no," the Scotsman replied, "They’re both fine. It's just that I quit drinking."
hahahahahahaha YOU ARE THE BEST. THAT IS THE FUNNIEST EVER. And pretty much the same sort of reasoning as my Irish stepbrother Nelson.
When he was about fifteen he had already been drinking and smoking(his scottish granny got him doing that) since he was about eleven.
He got smashed one night and came home and was pounding on the door to his bedroom because well I don't know why.
His father came marching downstairs and shouted at him to just open the bloody door.My brother started singing some daft song and his father punched him right between the eyes then carried him and threw him on the bed.
the next morning at breakfast my brother said he couldn't figure out why his head hurt so much. his father said nothing. I whispered to him the truth. He looked totally ticked.so a couple of nights later he came up to his father and said he would fight him right there right then.it was a totally bloody fight and I was horrified and just when I thought one or the other would die they slapped one another on the back and went out for a pint with someone at their house. IRISH MEN!
I can just see you Beer feet up on your desk looking all official as you read with knitted brows a fax sheet. only it is just a copy of jokes. And you get paid for it.
go Beer go! go Beer go!
This was sent to me ages ago. I did a quick search and couldn’t find it so apologies if you have seen it before.
Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Free Sex and Clean House 2000.
Shortly after this upgrade however, I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail p_o_rn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip!
These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself. Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Wife1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT program it often crashes or runs the system dry.
Wife1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems.
A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.
Please advise best course of action.
great. poor fellow. he should just try running the hermit 2010 and at least enjoy some peace and quiet for a while.doesn't cost anything and his audience is sure to laugh at all his jokes. :lol: