Lokasenna's Poetry Thread

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hawkman

One really can't help being reminded of Ridley Scott's Kingdom of Heaven with the theme and sentiment of your latest offering. "If this is God's kingdom, let him do with it as he will," as the rather sullen (and uninspiring) Orlando Bloom declared in his incarnation as Balien, the defender of Jerusalem. I, for one, would not have been tempted to lay down my life at his invitation!

Thank you for your feedback, Hawk - as ever, your criticism is intelligent and helpful! I did see Kingdom of Heaven when it came out in the cinema, and it left me with a sense of... er... profound indifference. My aim was for something more contemporary, but now that I think about it there is a certain Crusades vibe to this piece of mine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hawkman

But I digress. You have a strongly rhythmic piece here, the first four lines of each verse could be sung as a marching song, or chant. For the most part, your lines are strong and purposeful, but there are a couple of areas of weakness where you've succumbed to the temptation to wrench them a bit in order to maintain rhyme and metre. "...away to fly" & "And they have died that yet do live," which might benefit from a little tweaking.

I (think) I was aiming more for a Johnny Cash-esque bluesy elegy than a marching song, but I can see how that sentiment would fit with the piece. And yes, my usual occasional weakness with metre is on show - though I happened to be quite pleased with the 'away to fly' line. Still, I take your point - the necessity of sticking to the metre has introduced a degree of clunkiness which I should try to iron out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hawkman

I have fairly mixed views on the refrain though. I have often remarked that rhythms form "natural questions and answers." This is demonstrated by various rhythmic forms in music and poetry. The fact that the last two lines of each verse actually pose an unanswered question rhythmically can be interpreted as a physical realisation of the question itself. However, here, the fact that it is tacked on at the end of the verse, destabilises it. I wonder, did you try it at the beginning of each verse instead? I do have another reservation, though. Repeated seven times, without variation, it does become a little 'old' by the end of the poem. Would the question itself have more power if presented less frequently, or even only once as a more complete thought poetically? Just a thought.

I too have mixed views on the refrain. The repetition gets a little grating, particularly when the poem is recited aloud - I found myself asking the question in different tones (anger, puzzlement, resignation), just to give each stanza a bit of differenciation. I played about with moving or excluding the refrain for a little while, before coming to the conclusion that I should go with my original gut instinct and have the refrain at the end of each stanza. Somehow the poem feels too brisk without it, and I think thematically the repetition is a necessary punctuation to the layers of war imagery.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danik 2016

I haven´t thought about the repetition. But the theme of the poem in a certain way is the undoing or failure of the present world. In this context it is interesting that the last two lines desestablish the whole verse. I don´t know if this was intentional, but it creates a meaninful correspondence between content and form.

Thanks, Danik. I think your reading of my poem works. As for what I intended, it hardly matters - I strongly believe that the views of the artist are irrelevant to how others interpret their art.

Quote:

Originally Posted by prendrelemick

I really liked that Loki. Poems that flood out have an engageing and immediate quality that can get lost with more considered stuff.

Thanks Prendrelemick, I'm glad you liked it! Would that poems would flood out of me more often.