Haha, that's pretty funny.
I think it's making a crack on the insistence of Catholics on being right.
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Haha, that's pretty funny.
I think it's making a crack on the insistence of Catholics on being right.
Just to clarify - I'm not picking an argument for the sake of it - I don’t think it’s so much that Catholics need to be right, - it’s more that they ‘need’ to believe in eternal damnation and the terrible punishment of sins. It’s a more extreme version of ‘Catholic guilt’. I was told the joke by a Catholic priest I met once in Dublin (in a bar).Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
Hehe...that reminds me of something that Robin Williams once said in his routine...
"I was raised Episcopal, that's Catholic 'Lite.' Same religion, half the guilt!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Unnamable
oh, I always thought there were other religions higher up on the hell and damnation train then catholics.
I wouldn’t let a Catholic hear you say that.Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
And just to clarify, Unnamable, I am a minister!
At this same small church, an elderly black man had joined the congregation. He insisted that everyone call him Daddy Jones, and no one objected, as he was a smiling, friendly man who was patient with children and could often be seen with more than a dozen fishing on the riverbank.
Daddy Jones had a 'possum he had broke to the leash, acted just like a dog. The possum came to church with the old man, and curled up under the pew. If it had to go outside, it would look up at Daddy Jones, and he would take the possum out for a bathroom break.
A young man in the church had just come from the Seminary, and was to preach the next Sunday. The Pastor spoke to him. "Son, they taught you a lot of good things down at that school. But they can't teach you to preach. You have to let God do that." "Sure!" Thought the new preacher. "I'll show these hicks what a real preacher is!"
Repairs were being made to the church, and the ceiling had been removed, leaving only the rafters. It was a hot August day, and Daddy Jones had gone to sleep. The possum, needing a break, looked at the old man, and then walked out on its own. When it came back it, it scurried up into the rafters to play.
The new preacher took his text from Genesis chapter one. And he began:
“And so we see it was GOD who made the heavens and the earth! AMEN, somebody! It was GOD whose very Spirit moved upon the face of the waters! GLORY! It was GOD who said “Let there be light, and there WAS LIGHT! AMEN!”
At this juncture the possum dropped by its tail almost in the young man’s face.
“And it was GOD WHAT A RAT!”
A rabbi, an Irishman and a man with a duck on his head walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
"Is this some kind of joke?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
I think this may result in a cultural divide due to the Atlantic Ocean. In the US, Catholics are seen as less strict. It was the protestant Puritan spirit that outlawed alcohol, while the Catholic church was not for prohibition. Not only that, think of Mardi Gras and the concept that Catholics can sin and then go to confession. Our perception, here in the US at least, fits more with what Papaya is saying.Quote:
Originally Posted by Unnamable
Continuing with OT: Funny, we in Estonia see the catholic belief not so strict as the protestantism. Estonian folk beliefs managed to stay alive for many centuries under catholic oppression - they mingled, in fact. But protestantism uprooted all that was seen as non-purechristian.
With all these catholic saints and people it is a good chance that after some time catholicism will become polytheistic.
****
For first, we don't advocate alcoholism.
But now back to ontopic:
We don't know about you, but cooking is a very nice thing, isn't it?
Here is a rum cake recipe:
Rum cake:
1 teaspoon of sugar, 1or 2 bottles of rum, 1 dl dried fruits, brown sugar, 1 teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda, 100 g butter, 2 eggs, 3 lemons, 1 glass of flour, 1 dl of nuts.
For starting, taste the rum - to see if it is good enough.
Take a big bowl and a measuring glass.
Taste the rum again. To see whether the rum is good enough.
Pour 1 dl in a glass and drink as fast as you can. Repeat.
Churn with a blender or in a big bowl. Add a teaspoon of sugar and beat up more.
Chechecheck if the rum is OK....
Have another glass. Open a new bottle if nececececessary.
Add eggzz and the tried fruuits. Beat them up...
If they cauze damage to the blender, use the help of a screwdriver.....
Taste the rum to check the conci... concisssstoncisstennce.
Add 3 dl salt of pepper - doesn't matter which one.
Taste the rum
Bressss the one lemurs juice ..... add 1 teaspoon of brown or some colour...
doesn't matter... Mix....
Grease the oven, turn the cake pan to 350 degrees, turn the batter to the oven....
Taste the rum some more, go asleep....
Stan'll love that one--Cheers!!
Sorry, Virgil – I was being light-hearted. This is the jokes thread after all and I was not admonishing papayahed, merely continuing the ‘Catholics need suffering’ idea. I should have used a smiling emoticon.Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
I've probably said it on the Forums before, but I think it's funny enough to merit a rerun:
"Puritans: People so uptight, the English kicked 'em out!"
--Robin Williams
That is hilarious!! :lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
His most famous joke:
NAGG:
Let me tell it again.
(Raconteur's voice.)
An Englishman, needing a pair of striped trousers in a hurry for the New Year festivities, goes to his tailor who takes his measurements.
(Tailor's voice.)
"That's the lot, come back in four days, I'll have it ready." Good. Four days later.
(Tailor's voice.)
"So sorry, come back in a week, I've made a mess of the seat." Good, that's all right, a neat seat can be very ticklish. A week later.
(Tailor's voice.)
"Frightfully sorry, come back in ten days, I've made a hash of the crotch." Good, can't be helped, a snug crotch is always a teaser. Ten days later.
(Tailor's voice.)
"Dreadfully sorry, come back in a fortnight, I've made a balls of the fly." Good, at a pinch, a smart fly is a stiff proposition.
(Pause. Normal voice.)
I never told it worse.
(Pause. Gloomy.)
I tell this story worse and worse.
(Pause. Raconteur's voice.)
Well, to make it short, the bluebells are blowing and he ballockses the buttonholes.
(Customer's voice.)
"God damn you to hell, Sir, no, it's indecent, there are limits! In six days, do you hear me, six days, God made the world. Yes Sir, no less Sir, the WORLD! And you are not bloody well capable of making me a pair of trousers in three months!"
(Tailor's voice, scandalized.)
"But my dear Sir, my dear Sir, look---
(disdainful gesture, disgustedly)
---at the world---
(Pause.)
and look---
(loving gesture, proudly)
---at my TROUSERS!"
Samuel Beckett, Endgame
Two crazy men are planning to run away from the Hospital. The smart one whispers to the stupid one's ear:
"Go and see the gate. If it's too low we'll jump over it, if it's too high we'll dig a hole.
After three hours the stupid man comes back very alarmed and says:
"We can't run! Oh my god! We can't run away!"
"Why not?"
"There's no gate."
What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks one language? American.
Count Dracula is on the pull in Spennymoor. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various pubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Durham Road sometime before sunrise.
Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing.
He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here?
A few yards further on and .. BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing.
Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!
A few yards further along the street and ... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing.
He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is cocktail sausage lying on the ground.
He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.
He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can.
He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle.
On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who Are You?"
This is bad, I'm sorry!
Buffet the Vampire Slayer, she replies
Hazel - That was really, really bad. :p
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The little white guy says, "Turner Brown!!!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"
Here's one straight out of 3rd grade:
Three lunatics are given a test to see if they are ready to be let out of the asylum. The test is this: they must be able to correctly state a fact about a mundane object, to show that they do not suffer from any delusions. Arbitrarily, the doctors choose the subject: Spiders.
Lunatic number one says: "Spiders have eight legs." This, of course, is correct and he is let out into the world.
Lunatic number two states: "Spiders make spiderwebs." Again, true, so he is also released.
Lunatic number three looks around the (not too well-cleaned) room, spots a spider and grabs it from its web. He then proceeds to yank its eight legs off, puts it down on the table and commands it "GO!" When the legless spider doesn't move, the lunatic looks triumphantly at the doctors and states:
"Spiders can't hear without legs!"
LMFAO!!!!!!!! awmygawd :lol: :lol: That's hilariousQuote:
Originally Posted by emily655321
oh wow...this is turning good!
here's one:
Secret Messages
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
another one:
Italian huh?
Talking Italian
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
Hope you liked 'em Virgil :D :D
:lol: That's great.Quote:
Originally Posted by smilingtearz
But, oh my, these are starting to get rather crude! :eek: :D I'll try to find some clean ones.
*away I go*
niiice thread!!
here's one ..
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
:brow:
Ohhhh... how terrible, Nisha! :D Haha.
Okay, I found a clean one:
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young
man.
The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what
are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God
will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news
is he thinks I'm God."
And a not-so-clean one:
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
HAHAHAHA!!!
Bummer for the lady.
emily: :lol: :lol: :lol: Good one!
Hope this one doesn't violate the "no politics" thing. I've seen it with a ton of different politicians, I'm just using these so most people will get it... feel free to substitute any other government you want to ridicule.
President George W. Bush goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton. After dinner, Bill says, "Well, George, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine were all brilliant."
"How could you tell?" asks Bush.
"It's simple," says Bill. "They all had to take special tests before they could become a cabinet member. Wait a second, I'll show you." He calls Madeleine Albright over and says, "Tell me, Madeleine, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"
"Ah, that's simple, Mr. President," says Madeleine, "It's me!"
"Well done, Madeleine," says Clinton, and Bush is very impressed.
Upon returning to the White House, Bush wonders about the intelligence of the members of his own cabinet, so he calls in Rumsfeld and says, "Tell me, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"
Rumsfeld thinks and thinks but doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further, Mr. President? May I let you know tomorrow?"
"Of course," says Bush, "You've got twenty-four hours." So Rumsfeld goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in the Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, they put together a think tank but no one can come up with the answer.
Twenty hours later, Rumsfeld is very worried, so he calls Colin Powell. "Colin," he says, "I need your help with something, and I think my entire political career may depend on it. Can you tell me who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"
"Very simple," says Colin Powell, "It's me!"
"Of course," says Rumsfeld, and he runs over to Bush's office. "Mr. President," he announces proudly, "I've got the answer: It's Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot," says Bush, "It's Madeleine Albright!"
Hehehehehehe
We don't understand Emily's joke.
*feeling stupid*
The pretense of traveling to Europe is established (as is a disturbing prostitute-like precedent of food for love) when the woman actually travels no farther than a comparatively precious few miles from shore.
Here's one from a professor of mine:
A masochist and sadist meet and develop a relationship. The sadist tells the masochist,"Beat me." The masochist says, "No."
Wonderfully dry.
It's okay, Taliesin. The Staten Island Ferry goes back and forth from New York City to a nearby island (Staten Island) every day, and lots of people who live on the island use it to get to work in the city. The sailor tricked the woman by telling her it was a ship to Europe, when in fact he essentially just hid her on the ferry as his unwitting sex slave, and what she perceives as a long voyage is actually just a perpetual trip back and forth. Not so funny when you think about it, but I like cruel humor. :pQuote:
Originally Posted by Taliesin
LOL!!! :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by emily655321
As someone who lives on Staten Island (for those that don't know, Staten Island is part of New York City, and that ferry traverses between Staten Island and Manhatten Island) and has occaisionally taken that ferry, the joke had me rolling. It's just a half hour boat ride across New York Harbor, passing by the Statue of Liberty. If you've seen pictures of the harbor with the Statue, then you know where the ferry crosses.
I thought you'd like that one, Virgil. ;)
Ok, so a guy goes away for a week on a business trip. When he returns he goes home, but cant see his wife anywhere. He calls, but no answer. Eventually he hears the sound of her crying and goes into the room to find her stood in front of the mirror, naked, crying.
When he asks whats wrong she says "Everything, just look at me. My hairs going grey, I've got bags under my eyes, I'm getting wrinkles, my breasts are sagging, I've got stretch marks on my stomach from the kids, My *** is fat, my thighs have got cellulite, and my ankles are swollen. Please say something to cheer me up."
The guy thinks for a second then responds:"well, on the plus side, your eyesights perfect!"
In a small church, the Pastor was sick and tired of a certain trustee who always went to sleep during the sermon. The next Sunday, he was determined to teach the man a lesson. As the man snored away, he said very softly "Would everyone who expects to go to heaven please raise their hands." Of course, everyone except our sleeping hero shot up a hand. Still very softly the Pastor said: "Now, everyone who expects to go to hell--(then loud as he could) STAND UP ON YOU FEET!" Our man jerked errect in a second. He looked around at the congregation who were trying not to laugh. Then he turn to the Pastor. "I don't know what we're voting on, Pastor, but it looks like you and me are the only ones in favor!" The crowd roared. :angel:
A Catholic Priest who had worked in New York's upper East Side arrived at the Pearly Gates. He gave his name and creditials, but Saint Peter told him to take a seat, a enterance was according to merit. The good man nodded, and took the bench. A world-famous evanglist arrived next, but was also told to take a seat. The two men began to talk shop. Suddenly a disheveled, unshaven man arrived and was immediately taken inside. The two men of the cloth looked at each other, and approached St. Peter. "Who was that guy?" the evangelist asked. "Some noble soul, no doubt." The Priest added. "Oh, him." St. Peter said. "He was a New York cabdriver." The two were taken back. "And he is more important than we, who have given our lives to the service of the Savior?" asked the Priest. "Well, my friends," Saint Peter told them. "You have done well, and you may enter now. We were waiting on the cabdriver. You see, he drives so badly that we've had more conversions in his cab than in either of your services! He literally scares the hell out of people!"