write or share a poem

Quote:

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Originally Posted by downing

My lattest poem. Please, I'd love to see any comments. I would be greateful to you to correct me or give suggestions.

Wind in a peerless plain


I am running through the plain,
throwing glances at the edges,
where the oaks are forming a morning line
and make a bow to the sun
which is shinning in the sky.
Every morning the oaks do a bow
to the sun or to the wind
It seems it doesn’t bother them anymore
if it’s gloomy or if it’s sunny.
The wind of change does come to us
every minute of our lives
and throws a glance to our previous humour
afterwards leaving once more,
because it will come again
when we do not expect.
I changed, too. Maybe many times an hour
but I know that I will never change
in love. I'll love as long as I will breath
and as long as I wil have a heart to beat.
Love would be peerless if not altered
by indifference;
and changes if we permit that wind
to come.
Sometimes it does have to come,
to save us from unusefulness.
I am still staying in the plain,
the sun has gone and the stars
have rose overhead.
I am still waiting.
If it doesn't come,
I'll be gone

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:wave: Hi Downing, I like this poem you wrote very much. I like the way the change occurs in one day's time, or so one day is used as an example of time, perhaps symbolic (?). It is good the way the poem ends, with the stars coming out and you still waiting for the change. I would only change a few things and I say this to help you, since we are friends and you asked for my help and opinions.
First, I feel like the line

Quote:

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I changed, too. Maybe many times an hour
but I know that I will never change
in love.

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I would suggest this: "I changed, too, many times an hour, but I know that I will never change in love." Or make last line a separate sentence starting with "However" and like this "However, I know that I will never change in love." or with a semicolon before "however". I just think that sounds better and needs to be broken up. You might also consider using "change" instead of "changed" in first part of sentence. I think that reads better, to keep it in the present tense. That might just be my personal opinion.

There is one minor typo in "...... I will breath
and as long as I wil have a heart to beat." word "will" - two ll's....no big deal. Also a few in your spelling introducing your poem. "lattest" has one "t" ,and "grateful" one "e" - "grateful". Believe me, I am a terrible speller myself and English is my native language; I had to look up the last one.:lol: Just wanted to aid you in your English as your requested of me.

"Love would be peerless if not altered
by indifference;
and changes if we permit that wind
to come." This part confuses me a little, since you previously stated "but I know that I will never change in love". I am wondering about this line, because now you seem to be saying there can be a change that is "altered by indifference". Can you explain this to me? Does you attitude towards "unchanging love" change during the course of the poem? Also what do you mean by "unusefullness" closer to end of poem?


Only other criticism (from a former graphic artist's viewpoint) would be to post your poem in a little larger type-face and black. It is too difficult to read in the red on the tan background. That is why I quoted you and also increased you type face, style and size to have it appear clearer to read. (sorry, I would have kept your type "style", but lost it when I deleted it - that style could just be larger in size). Personally I like poems that are flush left and not centered but some chooce centering. I think they are more difficult to read this way.

I hope you do not mind my criticism. I was trying to be helpful, since you asked for my advice. I am not a novice at poetry, myself - so this is merely my humble opinion. ;)
Ending comment: I think the poem is nicely constructed and has a good point to get across. Keep writing. You have talent and much time ahead of you to develop it in!
Your good friend, Janine :)

Hi Janine.Thank you so much for writing a criticism on my poem-I read it anxiously and I am very happy to answer to your questions.

Would it be better like this?
''I change, too, many times an hour,
However, I know that I will never change
in love.''
I didn't quite understanding what were you saying about a semicolon.


Thanks for telling me about the spelling mistakes-will, grateful and latest. I sincerly admire you and I am thankful you for the time you dedicated reading my poem and making the criticism.

You said:

Quote:

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"Love would be peerless if not altered
by indifference;
and changes if we permit that wind
to come."
This part confuses me a little, since you previously stated "but I know that I will never change in love". I am wondering about this line, because now you seem to be saying there can be a change that is "altered by indifference". Can you explain this to me? Does you attitude towards "unchanging love" change during the course of the poem? Also what do you mean by "unusefullness" closer to end of poem?

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Indeed, I meant that the one who ''talks'' in the poem(''the poetry instance'' or how should I call it) changes her attitude from believing into an unchanging love into believing into a possible altered love.
I must firstly explain the ''action'' I imagined:
A girl running thorugh the plain, hoping to meet her boyfriend, but who can not be behold. While waiting for him, she starts thinking about what love really is: in her run, she sees the trees and the idea of change comes into her mind. At first she says that she changes many times an hour but that she will never change in love. After that, noticing the nature which is altering around her, she does understand that her love will also be changed if she is not loved by the one who she does love(that's the altering provoked by ''indifference'') And the ''unusefullness'' is the state of loving someone who does not love you. And that's why the wind is sometimes good: to save us from loving vainly someone who does not care of us.

Quote:

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I am still staying in the plain,
the sun has gone and the stars
have rose overhead.
I am still waiting.
If it doesn't come,
I'll be gone

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I should have better said: ''If HE doesn't come/ I'll be gone'' because I meant that if her love interest does not come at their meeting, she will understand that he does not love her and she will permit that wind to come. She will leave and forget him. And so the wind of change will save her from unusefullness.

These would be the answers. I am opened to any other questions and suggestions, as I am sure that my poem is not perfect. I will post an improved verison,with some changes.
Thank you once again,
Downing

Wind in a peerless plain


I am running through the plain,
throwing glances at the edges,
where the oaks are forming a morning line
and make a bow to the sun
which is shinning in the sky.
Every morning the oaks do a bow
to the sun or to the wind
It seems it doesn’t bother them anymore
if it’s gloomy or if it’s sunny.
The wind of change does come to us
every minute of our lives
and throws a glance to our previous humour
afterwards leaving once more,
because it will come again
when we do not expect.
I changed, too, many times an hour.
However, I know that I will never change
in love. I'll love as long as I will breath
and as long as I will have a heart to beat.
Love would be peerless if not altered
by indifference;
and changes if we permit that wind
to come.
Sometimes it does have to come,
to save us from unusefulness.
I am still staying in the plain,
the sun has gone and the stars
have rose overhead.
I am still waiting.
If he doesn't come,
I'll be gone

Ok, this is what I would do - some minor changes - suggestions. I will put corrections into the text and indicate, with (blue type) comments, below the line, or lines that I changed.

Quote:

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I am running through the plain,
throwing glances at the edges,
where the oaks are forming a morning line
and make a bow to the sun
which is shinning in the sky.
Every morning the oaks do a bow
to the sun or to the wind.
(Period needed after "wind")
It seems it doesn’t bother them anymore
if it’s gloomy or if it’s sunny.
The wind of change does come to us
every minute of our lives
and throws a glance to our previous humour.
(I would put period here - end sentence)
Afterwards, it leaves us once more,
New sentence with "A" and change "Afterwards, it leaves us..."
because it will come again
when we do not expect it.
Change to "expect." to".......expect it."
I changed, too, many times an hour.
However, I know that I will never change
in love; I'll love as long as I will breath
(If you keep that in same line, put semicolon ";" not period "."because it is a new sentence.)
and as long as I will have a heart to beat.
Love would be peerless if not altered
by indifference;
(good line!
After "indifference" I would use a coma, not a semicolon...it is the same sentence.)
and changes if we permit that wind
to come.
Sometimes it does have to come,
to save us from uselessness.
I looked the word "unuselessness" up in several dictionaries - there seems to be no such word. Often great poets do use "poetic license" and do change words. For example - e.e.cummings did not always punctuate - he was known for that form; he even signed his name in lower case. He did so, often, and made up his own words, defying laws of proper English. However, I would suggest to you to use proper English, to learn the language better. Perhaps "uselessness" would be preferable and the correct word to end this thought and line. You may have meant that word. Something was just lost in translation. That is understandable.
I am still staying in the plain;
technically a semicolon here, not coma.the sun has gone and the stars
have risen overhead.
Proper English would be "have risen" or "stars rose"...no "has" inbetween.
I am still waiting.
If he doesn't come,
Yes, I thought the same change would work great; this personalizes the poem for me and makes the poem more real. Now it makes more sense to me.
I'll be gone.

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It is a good closing line, needs a period to end it.

Cristina, I think your poem is lovely. I like the idea very much. "Change" is a big part of life and here the young girl comes to this conclusion in one day's time, while waiting for her loved one. The only other suggestion I might have for you - would be to add somewhere in the body of the poem, a line that hints at the waiting specifically being directed to a real person (man, lover). This more personal connection, or idea seemed a little obscure to me until you explained it. I hope this helps you and is constructive. As I told you, I am not a qualified teacher or expert on poetry to make these corrections, but they are merely suggestions to aid you. It only needed some minor adjustments. Let me know what you think.
Your friend, Janine :)

Cristina, I hope I am not getting a reputation here as the wicked critic! Janine

Here is one of my recent poetic works. Please tell me what you think :)

She lays on a land of dewy grass
tickled by golden trickles
of peach, and scents of cherries
like matrimonal partners in hawaii
on their honey moon,
the ocean glides, like mobile ice,
salts mingle the air with strong spice,
resembling a butterfly burst from its cacoon,
diffusing air through rainbow wings,
she feels it in her soul
manipulated into motion,
a spinning marionette on the ocean,
the resplendant ball above shedding
light on auburn locks,
a cheek tinged with tears,
she's dancing alone on a rock,
her loved one's been gone for years,
through coincidence, through accident,
it has not been told,
the mind creates a myriad of fanciful thoughts,
from dreams that are lost and old.

I like your poem very much. I like the way it paints a sumptuous and naturalistic picture. It shows emotion and it also flows nicely, poetically speaking. Interesting since my son and his wife went to Hawaii on their honeymoon last year. It is a lovely place and so flowery and scented. I think that you captured this very well.
Maybe Downing will comment on it, also. We are friends and she is not of native English speaking, so I have tried to help her with spelling, word meanings and punctuation. I can only see some puncutation in yours that I might change, but that is only from a personal viewpoint. I don't know you and would not venture to criticise you in this way. Downing asked me for help with her poems. But I am glad you wanted feedback. I think this is important. I have posted some poems, also, and no one responded to them; others I posted they did comment, and it made all the difference in the world. We all need encouragement and inspiration and stimuli. Keep on writing poems, Adolescent09. You have talent!

Janine, I thank you kindly for your thoughts. If you have any poetry you want to publically share in this topic, I would gladly present my views and opinions, althought I must warn you, I am a novice at poetry and may not render your works any true justice. I'd like to see your poetry though :).

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Originally Posted by Adolescent09

Janine, I thank you kindly for your thoughts. If you have any poetry you want to publically share in this topic, I would gladly present my views and opinions, althought I must warn you, I am a novice at poetry and may not render your works any true justice. I'd like to see your poetry though :).

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Adolescent09.....Gee, you kind of scare me...I am a sensitive visual artist, so poetry is only something I dabble in and enjoy....an alternate form of painting, as of a picture or thought. Glad you are a novice - do you publish poetry? But, sure - go ahead and read mine; I would like to hear what you think. I did get some good comments on "Teacup" and "Frozen Summer", but maybe my friends on Lit Net were being kind. I just hope you don't cut my poems to shreds (*shutter*). I have actually posted 7 in this thread: #27,#35,#48,#49,#51,#56, and #57. If you go back you will see them. Just quote anyone to review it. Thanks and I will be anxious to read your opinions. They are fairly simplistic poems but first two happen to be true, and personal to me.

Dance

Swirling colors
Dance vibrantly
Parading to the jarring tune
Of nameless chords
As notes fade to reality
I awake off the floor
Out of the dance
In my desk, I question
Not my class
Above, its you
To join in my song
Gently spin
A fantastic tale
A wonderful night
With you?

here's a fairly whimsical poem that i sort of like, somewhat of a wierd wording but perhaps it works, please do comment.

Hi Tristele, I like your poem very much. Only thing I would question is the lines starting with
"I awake off the floor
Out of the dance
In my desk, I question
Not my class"

The wording in these lines is a little confusing to me, and a little uncomfortable to read. Can you explain? Maybe some punctuation to break it up might help make it clearer.

"Above, its you" - do you mean "it's you" - a shortened "it is"?

Hope these comments help you. Trying to be...the kind critic. Janine

Actually I appreciate having my poetry and various other works cut to shreds rathern than receive undeserved positive comments. If the positive comments are justified, sure nothing is wrong with that, but I don't want my work cutting corners just because someone wants to be "nice". If there are errors in my writing I want to know about them, inform me.

And yes, I'll get to reading your poems.

Heart of darkness suffering and guilt
Be gone from this place I so lovingly built
Though in ruins and rubble it remains
Sacred memories of greatness it contains

Why has darkness consumed this place?
Why has light deserted these halls?
Constant carnage of endless wars
The vultures they seem to smile with glee


I could'nt think of anything that was completed. Its not much but pls tell me what I've done wrong so far.

Vultures smiling with glee seema bit odd, if not funny. The rest of it is very nice, but vague. Of what darkness and place do you allude to? A castle? A simple home? A mosque? I think perhaps using adjectives to describe the "place" would really enhance your poem's meaning. The transition from what it is now to what it once was, is done very well, I like it. But perhaps use words like...stoned walls... or wood or some sort of infrastructure to describe the type of building and maybe a few lines to give readers a clue on what era you're talking about. As for wars, I think that is too general a term. Wars range from before the existence of Christ to America's Iraq War. Maybe be specific? It depends on what your aim is though... If I'm "reading too much into" your poem I might be wrong. You've got a great thing going there.

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Originally Posted by Adolescent09

Actually I appreciate having my poetry and various other works cut to shreds rathern than receive undeserved positive comments. If the positive comments are justified, sure nothing is wrong with that, but I don't want my work cutting corners just because someone wants to be "nice". If there are errors in my writing I want to know about them, inform me.

And yes, I'll get to reading your poems.

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Maybe there are two ways of looking at it. First off, most people on Lit Net are here to have fun. I am not too serious about my poetry, I have to say that. I wrote some poems merely to express certain thoughts I had at the time. If you care to read them, that is fine, but actually I would not enjoy seeing my humble attempts at poetry cut to shreds. I am a visual artist, so this is my first interest and talent, not poetry. You may want to skip my lame attempts altogether. To begin with I was shy about posting any poems, and others on Lit Net encouraged me to do so. If they were being just "nice" that is ok with me. I don't intent to make poetry my profession. I am 56 yrs old and don't need another profession at this point.
Thanks for your post, Janine