Litnet's version of Devil's dictionary

Herculean: 1) A task requiring great strength and courage 2) A task given by a sadistic boss that even Hercules could not do


River Styx:

River Styx: The final of five rivers the dead must cross in order to find rest in the underworld of the ancient Greek hell, a place the dead have about the same likelihood of escaping as the living do from their debt obligations.

Debt:

Debt: That thing you acquire as a mature adult which brings to a frustrating and disappointing end the era of carefree and impulsive spending which during your youth allowed you to fill your Amazon shopping basket to your heart's content.

Impulsive:

Impulsive: A wave of action followed by regret which is soon forgotten for the next wave.

Wave:

Wave: That part of the great oceans that laps forever at the edge of land. Sometimes they are small and sometimes large enough to cause drastic restructuring of the map...

Breakers:

Breakers: This could be a mansion built by the Vanderbilts, but usually one puts “The” in front of the word. Perhaps a chain of restaurants or resorts? Nah. More than likely it is a noun in search of an adjective (or an adjective in search of a noun for all I know), but what adjective would want to be associated with it? Perhaps “spring” wouldn’t mind or “ice”, or even “circuit”, but more often it is “heart”.

Circuit:

Sir Cut was apparently a knave at first, known for gallivanting about the countryside in a mohair shirt, billowy pantaloons and spats, and wantonly bursting in on tavern wenches mid-boink with a cry of "What's all this, then!" Later knighted by Lord Henry Higgle-Bottom Jones on account o' he knocked up 'is Lordship's daughter.

Billow.

Billow. 1) Large wave 2) the word bellow when the auto correct doesn't catch it because it is actually a word

Breakers: Waves dashing against a hidden reef... :rolleyes:

Port:

Port: A place where one can move between land transportation and water transportation as distinct from a beach where the movement is easier and more pleasant.

Beach:

You couldn't have let me answer the port one? See, I had this great segue from my previous post in which I was going to define port as something offered by a tavern wench for a farthing, for which the patron also got a mug of ale and a mince pie. <sigh> Guess I'll have to settle for...

Beach: Something tavern patrons frequently shout at a wench when said patron is so in 'is cups he can't raise the mainsail and wants to blame her rather than admit to 'is own, er, malfunction.

Inadequate.

Inadequate. Something that fails to come up to ones rather exacting expectations

Brief:

Brief: Something so short the audience doesn’t have time to fall asleep.

Sleep:

That thing you put off as long as possible 'cause you're having too good a time goofing around on the internet.

Goof:

Goof: A person or individual who can be accused of “goofing around” which for some is the only safe thing to do when they are not sleeping.

Accuse:

Accuse: an onomatopoeia intended to represent the sound of someone sneezing, to which the customary reply is "God bless you."

Custom:

Custom: An ancient ritual that hasn't yet offended someone. Give it time...


Offended:

Offended: Caused someone's fragile self esteem to shatter.

fragile

fragile: Easily broken by anything that doesn't hit it just right, like something failing to come up to their narrow minded expectations shatters people's ego and self worth


Ego:

Ego: An “I” that thinks this is all that it’s about.

Expectation:

Expectation: To cough phlegm out of the lungs. Do cover your mouths, folks. Tis disgusting and all.

Obtuse:

Obtuse: So far out of touch that everything shocks, offends, or insults their intelligence

Moron:

Moron: Short way of writing “more on”, like, “There’s moron TV if you wanna watch, Ned.”

Blood Moon:

Blood moon: What happens when you toss blood sausage and a moon pie in a blender, and which should only be fed to one's worst enemies--and then from a safe distance.

Blood oath:

Blood oath: What you blurt out when you cut yourself

Sanguine:

Sanguine: Someone who feels in his rosy-red blood, in his gut, in his bones that things are going his way. Pessimists view this as delusional personality dysfunction. Optimists just have a good time.

Dysfunction:

Dysfunction: The part of the instruction manual accompanying any modern electronic device which helps you learn how to use your new toy not only because you've finally found the section printed in English, but because it clearly states: "Dys function does dys, dat function does dat."

Manual:

Manual: Information included in the box of most consumer products that no one expects you to read.

Information:

Information: Something one has been told. That means that information and fact are not the same thing...

Pathological Liar:

Pathological Liar: Someone whose version truth with a twist goes over the top.

Twist:

Twist: A painful predicament that causes one to become touchy, as in "Dinnae get tha knickers in a twist, lassie!"

Predicament:

Predicament: What the Weather Channel purports to do except they're always wrong.

Confound:

Confound: To cause confusion which is a lot like cold fusion but warmer.

Warm:

Warm: The feeling I get in certain regions when blood flows disproportionately thither during the Victoria's Secret fashion show.

Angel:

Angel: I've covered this before, but here goes again. A human with wings although none of the angels that came to the people in the Bible to tell them things was ever described as having wings. There were winged CREATURES such as seraphim mentioned, but no winged humans. One wonders where Christianity got the idea of winged humans as angels. Not from the Bible, that is certain.

Religion:

Religion: An set of shared beliefs and guided practices involving sight, sound and motion coordinating the physical body, mind and spirit with the aim of bringing the participant in a community closer to and more aware of higher, loving consciousness.

Community:

Community: Any group of people who live in a designated area.

Black Sheep:

Community: A word which, if I hear it one more time, I'm going to grab a hunting rifle, climb atop a water tower, and begin picking off unsuspecting K-mart shoppers. For thirty years, activists and annoying people of all varieties, having appropriated the word community and turned it into a political weapon, have been shoving it down my throat, and I've had it, I tell you, had it. A community is a neighborhood, or, possibly, the congregation of a church or synagogue. I have spoken, and thus, no more need be said. <drinks peach schnapps>

Blunderbuss.

Black Sheep: Sheep whose wool is already dyed.

Blunderbuss: A primitive shotgun which could kill you just as dead as the more advanced version.

Advanced:

Advanced: Not the same thing as wasabe. You could order a hundred cucumber maki at a hundred different sushi joints, and nobody'd ever give you a serving of advanced to dip it in. California rolls, salmon nigiri, same result. Of course, that cuts both ways. I knew some smart kids in high school, but not a one of them ever took Wasabe Placement Calculus.

Mercurial:

Mercurial: A fancy way to say “fickle” which is what you should use since almost no one you are likely to be talking to knows what mercurial means.

Fickle: