Litnet's version of Devil's dictionary

Supertrains They go under various mild-mannered secret identity's such as the 5:15 (to Paddington), the 3:10 (to Yuma), and the 10:15
(to Grand Central)

Lawbreaker

A round hard candy chewed by criminals.



ascertain

Ascertain - Funky little outpost in the North-West Frontier where Dusty Boogins formed an alliance with Jack the Backslapper to rob the post train. What they hadn't counted on was a battalion of Mounties in one of the carriages on their way to guard against another similar (though only rumoured) plot whose beans were spilt by Charles the Snitch at the Ontario State Penitentiary (then holding the worst reputation of all prisons in the territories) in a vain attempt to get him off a charge of adultery, the outcome of which is still pending


Target Practice

Target practice - What you do at Walmart.




imbibe

imbibe Politically correct for "I drink like a fish"


darkness

Darkness - A state of the world after the unexpected actually happens. In the back of even the most optimistic mind toothaches are a very real possibility, but nothing can prepare you for the onset, and you can't remember the pain - but it's its own self-contained Hell


Dentist

Dentist - sadistic freak of nature. The dentist attempts to deny any human sympathies. However, unable do this indefinitely, when they finally get to him an overwhelming sense of guilt causes the dentist to commit suicide.

Housewife

Housewife Now more politically correctly known as a "stay at home mom", she does the million things to keep a clean house and prepare meals for her indifferent husband and ungrateful children. She dreams quite often of running away and the vacuum cleaner salesman at the door looks pretty cute

Enslaved

enslaved: see housewife



ensconce

Ensconce: A little forensic etymology is needed here.

sconce    /skɒns/
–noun

1. a bracket for candles or other lights, placed on a wall, mirror, picture frame, etc.
2. the hole or socket of a candlestick, for holding the candle.

So ensconce (verb) means to stick a candle in.

In its literal form, the word is pretty much moribund. But it has a slang meaning that we'd probably better not get into as it will provide further evidence to those flocking to agree with the OP in this thread that the world is becoming an irreversibly vulgar place and we're all going to end up reading comic-books and using the wrong spoon for our soup.


cutlery

cutlery - plural of preferred pirate weaponry, as uttered by the cutthroats wielding them.

'Arr - 'Fore we boarrd The Rose-Marie we wanta panic-stricken 'em, so make sure thar's a proper show an' clash o' glitterin' cutlerry - Arrr!'



Galleon

Galleon Originally a sailing ship, this wooden wonder has gone the way of the dinosaur, meaning that people doubt that it ever existed in the first place outside of movies, despite evidence to the contrary

Existence

Existence

A psychological disorder whose symptoms include excessive coffee drinking and an obsession with wearing berets.


Obfuscate

Obfuscate - an expression akin to What the bejeezes!, usually declared when someone realises that they've been duped - and uttered very fast to obscure the actual words e.g. at Royal dinner parties (Oh - For F***s Sake! would see you removed from the Queen's table and reseated somewhere near the Queen's stable)


Embarassment

Embarrassment - Nervous agitation caused by one's foot entering one's mouth.


Pestilence