Tell Me A Joke

Three men die and go up to heaven. St. Peter looks at his list and asks the three men, "How many times were you unfaithful to your wives when you were married?"
The first guy steps up and says, "I cheated on my wife twice when we were married."
St. Peter says, "Then you shall have a compact car with which to drive around heaven," and lets him in.
The second guy steps up and says, "I cheated on my wife only once when we were married." So St. Peter gives him a sedan with which to drive around Heaven.
The third guy steps up, looking with mild distaste at the men who went before him, and says to St. Peter, "I was faithful to my wife throughout our entire marriage." And St. Peter gives him a luxury car with which to drive around Heaven.

A couple days later, the guys in the compact and the sedan see the guy with the luxury car sitting on the sidewalk crying. Concerned, they go up and ask him why. He looks at them with tears in his eyes and says, "I just saw my wife--she was on a pogo stick."

:lol: ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the
ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go
home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out
of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss
asked her

"...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by papayahed

["Joke" text]

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You had me thinking this was a true story at first. Somehow, I could picture you hanging from the ceiling pretending to be a light bulb. I don't know why.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by starrwriter

You had me thinking this was a true story at first. Somehow, I could picture you hanging from the ceiling pretending to be a light bulb. I don't know why.

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You know, I believed too! :D Why is it I can picture her doing that? And I don't even know what she looks like. All I know is she's a chemical engineer, and I can relate to how a difficult job can make you want to scream.

Hey now!! Actually I probably would do it - at least for the gag, not necessarily the days off.

Medical terminology...the best explanations

ANTIBODY - against everyone
ARTERY - the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA - back door to a cafeteria
COMA - punctuation mark
DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose
DILATE - the late British princess
GALLBLADDER - bladder in a girl ...eww
GENES - blue denim
HERNIA - she is close by
HYMEN - greeting to several males
IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known
LABOR PAIN - hurt at work
LACTOSE - person without digits on the foot
LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss :lol::lol:
LYMPH - walk unsteadily
MICROBES - small dressing gowns :lol:
OBESITY - city of Obe
SECRETION - hiding anything
TABLET - small table
ULTRASOUND - radical noise
CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of playing cards
CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty
CHRONIC - neck of a crow

Quote:

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Originally Posted by smilingtearz

Medical terminology...the best explanations

ARTERY - the study of fine paintings
DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose
DILATE - the late British princess
LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss :lol::lol:
CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of playing cards

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My favorites above. "Dilate" :lol:

@virgil I find all of them funny...but my fav.'s the one in bold! :lol:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She
noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on
account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing..................She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he
acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement,
which
read: 'William's Stick Did the Trick'. Then I could not control myself
any Longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which
read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

:lol:

The case was dismissed.........!!!!!!!!

and girls just HAVE to read this one :nod:...

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over and couldn't quite decide how
to split them between Adam & Eve. So he thought he might just ask them.

He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee standing up.
It's a very handy thing "God told them" and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it.

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that!
It seems just the sort of thing a man should have.

Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so
badly he could have it So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock,
then he wrote his name in the sand, then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away, laughing
with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve,
"Well I guess your kind of stuck with the last thing I have left"
What's it called? asked Eve
"Brains" said God

:lol:

Eva - A quote from you from another thread.

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please pray for a bible sharing community that i and two of my friends from our youth group are starting in our church...hope it worx out well


Prayers for all of you

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With all the risque jokes you post, I was somewhat surprised that you are church person. ;) Well, good for you. They don't really contradict each other.

@ Virgil
Oh..I just forward what i get on mail...
but they're funny aren't they ;) ...that's how jokes are supposed to be... I know this is justification... but every human laughs when tickled right?
and i am a church person...a begginer, but i do want to grow :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by smilingtearz

@ Virgil
Oh..I just forward what i get on mail...
but they're funny aren't they ;) ...that's how jokes are supposed to be... I know this is justification... but every human laughs when tickled right?
and i am a church person...a begginer, but i do want to grow :)

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I disagree--I, for one, have trained myself to resist tickling, although my shield is as yet imperfect...

@ Robinhood... are you giving proper training to your shield then?

Ah, therein lies the problem--the only occasions I have to train are when someone in my class arbitrarily tries to surprise me with a tickle, which doesn't happen often.

I wonder if there could be some anti-tickle lotion you could use... just for precaution you know!

:D

Lol, I don't have to be tickled to be tickled... you can just wiggle your finger around the air around me and I'll laugh. My friends call it the "Tickle Barrier" which isn't much of a barrier... lol. Even though at the same time I have this shield... which prevents me from laughing when tickled... so I can always turn it on and off.

Doctors- They kill your ills with pills, and kill you with their bills.

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
SPOILED MILK

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
FROSTBITE

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
SANKA

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS :lol:

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A NERVOUS WRECK

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A STICK

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
NACHO CHEESE

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
>children's
> > sermon:
> > All the children were invited to come forward.
> > One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
> > down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is
> it your Easter Dress?"
> > The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
> > "Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
>dead:
> > "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
> > "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
> > innocently.
> > "You did WHAT ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> > "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
> > didn't
> > move."

:lol: :lol: :lol: @ Papaya's second joke.

By the way, Papaya, Grover was always my favorite Sesame Street character when I was little. :D

Here's one, but you have to be married to fully understand:

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you k now that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

Heh...hehehe...HAHAHAHA!!!

There's a story they tell...

George Bernard Shaw walks into a bar and approaches a respectable-looking, evidently-rich woman. The following conversation ensues...

"Excuse me, madam, but would you make love to me for 50 pounds?"
"I SHOULD SAY NOT!!!"
"5,000 pounds, then?"
"...NEVER!"
"Perhaps, then, for 500,000 pounds?"
"...perhaps...~smiles coyly~"
"Then what about 5 pounds?"
"MR. SHAW!! WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO YOU THINK I AM???"
"We have already established what you are--now we are merely haggling over the price."

Here's another. And being that I'm an Italian male, I understand this fully:

> It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman.....
>
>
> On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
> One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
> For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ......one button at a time.
> .......No one moves.
> .......He removes his shirt.
> ......Muscles ripple across his chest.
> .......She gasps.
> ......He whispers into her ear...
>
> "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

This one is for the dog lovers. I can swear that the lab in the joke is Brandi.

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a

house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him
the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time, at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running."

" But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****."

Three Pakistani blokes walked into a bar….

The first ordered three glasses of orange juice…

They sat down and had a nice chat.



Interesting things, jokes.

My old aunts were forever coming up to me at family weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You'll be next".

They stopped doing it after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A rabbi and a priest, each driving his own car, by a freak accident had a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars were totally demolished. Amazingly, neither of the clerics had a scratch on him.

After they crawled out of what was left of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says: "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars, there is nothing left, and yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God."

Pointing to the sky, the rabbi continues: "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies: "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God."

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogan David wine is intact. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle of wine to the priest, who drinks half of it, then hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks: "Aren't you having any, rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah . . . I think I'll wait for the police."

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Originally Posted by The Unnamable

Interesting things, jokes.

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Yes, they make life happy.

Here's one. A little risque perhaps. Just a little.

Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: ........."You mean I was here already?"

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Originally Posted by Virgil

> "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

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I can't possibly illustrate for you exactly why this made me laugh so hard (mostly because it would violate forum rules on appropriate content). Suffice it to say that, though I don't believe such negative characteristics to be universal properties of Italian males (namely, chauvinism, arrogance, and a profound inability to understand that one's own happiness does not constitute the mutual satisfaction of the woman involved), I knew a boy in college who was raised in Italy, and I enjoyed this joke. :lol:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emily655321

I can't possibly illustrate for you exactly why this made me laugh so hard (mostly because it would violate forum rules on appropriate content). Suffice it to say that, though I don't believe such negative characteristics to be universal properties of Italian males (namely, chauvinism, arrogance, and a profound inability to understand that one's own happiness does not constitute the mutual satisfaction of the woman involved), I knew a boy in college who was raised in Italy, and I enjoyed this joke. :lol:

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You'll have to ask Koa. Glad you enjoyed it.

A very good blonde joke

An elderly man at a small church had lost his black lab he used for duck hunting. He became downhearted and began to miss services. The Pastor of the church, noticing this, took up a special collection and bought Brother Jake a new dog.

Later, two brothers from the church went duck hunting with Brother Jake. He nailed two Mallards, and told the new dog to go get them. The dog immediately jumped out of the boat, walked on the water and got the ducks. Both of the other men went into shock.

The pastor, unable to get a straight answer out of them, went hunting with Brother Jake. When the dog walked on water, the Pastor's eyes bulged.

"Does--does he always do that?" he stuttered.

"Yes, Pastor. But if y'all couldn't afford a dog that could swim, I don't mind at all!"

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Originally Posted by Taliesin

A very good blonde joke

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Perhaps I'm blonde-at-heart, but I don't get why linking in a loop is funny. :confused:

The blonder you are, the longer you keep following the links...therein lies the joke.

A man who had led an exceptionally dissolute life finally met his Day of Judgment. At the moment of his last breath, he was whisked away by Beelzebub himself and taken to the farthest limits of Hell.
“Here you will remain forever,” said Beelzebub in a surprisingly friendly tone.
The man looked around him to see a fresh green landscape brimming with tress and bushes bearing perfectly ripened fruit. The sky was the deepest blue, without a cloud in sight and carefree young beauties frolicked with a look of complete happiness on their faces.
The man was astonished. Beelzebub continued, “You may do whatever you please and partake of whatever you like. There is only one rule. You must never climb that hill.” He pointed to a verdant incline at the edge of the open meadow in which they were standing. The man continued to look astonished.
“Is something wrong?” asked Beelzebub, kindly.
“This is not what I had been told Hell would be,” the man eventually managed to stutter out.
“Yes, we do get a bad press,” said Beelzebub, “but there’s no catch – apart from that one rule, you can do whatever you wish and want for nothing for eternity.”
The man soon found that everything Beelzebub had said was true. He wanted for nothing and did whatever he pleased, whenever he pleased. [You’ll have to fill in exactly what this means yourself – just remember he was a dissolute man in a place full of beautiful women]

He had never been so happy. Humans being humans however, he couldn’t help wondering why he was not allowed to climb the hill. Inevitably, curiosity got the better of him and he climbed to the top. When he looked over to the other side he was horrified. The terrain was parched and brown and filled with people in loincloths carrying vicious whips with which they were flagellating themselves. There were scenes of terrible cruelty and torture as far as he could see. People were setting alight to themselves, eating broken glass and hammering nails through one another’s limbs. The man gasped in sheer terror. He was about to run back down the hill when Beelzebub appeared. “I did warn you,” he said, without the slightest tone of anger.
“But…but….but…what…what is it…what’s it for?” asked the man.
Beelzebub looked apologetic and replied,
“It’s for the Catholics; they insisted on it.”

What if I’d posted that in the Religious Texts section or even in the Philosophical Literature section? You see, Virgil, context is vital to meaning.

I don't get it.