Lymerick

Billy thinks that a three-way's OK.
About that, though, sweet Betty would say,
"Hey! A four-way is better.
But with Jane, Bill? Forget her!"
So, with Phil and Matilda they play.

Four in the hot tub discussing the Treaty of Westphalia
Jacuzzi jets gently caressing exposed genitalia
The orgy was nigh
Nobody was shy
With their lotions and creams and adult paraphernalia

Though the orgy was advertised well,
Uninvited Jane still had to tell
Her Dad, the DA.
When the cops came, "OK!
Kids, we're carting you all off to hell."

What powers a hot tub?

Now this may, or may not be actual,
And is not based on anything factual,
But the jacuzzi wasn't on,
There was a terrible pong,
So most of those bubbles were natural.

Natural bubbles make a hot-tub desecrated
So Billy's libido prematurely deflated
The girls were aghast
The cops only laughed
The anarchist orgy remained unconsummated

"Nothing happened!" Our sweet Jane was glad.
Were her Billy untrue she'd be mad.
"My Billy, my dear,
I'm pregnant. You hear?"
He heard. "You will soon be a dad!"

Political theory and hifalutin talk
Could'a made Otto Von Bismarck say, "Guten Tag"
But with baby on board
T'was Jane, Bill adored
Matty and Phil still in tub, mookin' the wok


(Not sure what Matilda and Phil are doing, but I've got a fair idea - and it rhymes pretty good)

Matilda and Phil didn't care
As long as the cops were not there.
At the party they played
Till the sun made its raid
On the night and discovered the pair.

Billy and Jane became old and gray
The baby matured and moved away
Matilda grew stout
And Phil suffered gout
The hot tub broke down and got in the way


(I swear this is not at all autobiographical...Really...Scout's honor.)

And Betty, Bill's anarchist belle,
Forgot every anarchist spell.
Her three children in college
Consuming fresh knowledge
Never knew and that's all just as well.

Aye, the past and the future aint set,
For the future aint happened yet,
The past is all gone,
And often told wrong,
And parts we remember to forget.

There once was a old priest named Squire
Who had all the boys in the choir,
Except for Jack Wong
Who knew this was wrong
And choked him to death with a wire.

There was a young woman called Jen
who once frigged herself with a pen
but the vigorous friction
became an addiction
which wrote off that young woman called Jen.

Joey once had a love of his life
Who later became Joey's wife.
Though at first things went well
Soon they all went to hell.
Now their hate fuels hell with their strife.

All the vampires I know like to bite
And that's why you should stay in the light
Where you're safe, more or less,
At least, that's my best guess,
Though it's true, I am often not right.

Kids these days like blood sucking monsters
But Sancho thinks they're totally bonkers
'Cos Vampire drool
Is highly uncool
And Werewolves drinking piña coladas have long curls


---Ahh-Ooo...

The Stage Show

In a stage show one Rendall from Wotum,
Hammered shiny new nails through his scrotum,
but one day he missed
because he was pissed
and ballockst his bollocks and scrotum.

A thin skinny fellow was tall
Like a dick always hitting a wall
But his feet he forgot
From dancing on an empty lot
And his peanuts no longer would ball

Though you can't believe all that you read,
When you're bit by a vampire, you bleed
Till you're dead, er, "undead".
That's how vampires get fed
And eventually that's how you feed.

The pretty girl shrieked and brandished a red-hot poker
The vampire's eye teeth gleamed as he moved in to croak her
She made a jab
Attempting to stab
The unholy demon of an epistolary novel by Stoker

It was Stoker who told that tall tale.
No, not Melville. He did the white whale.
That's when vampires came out:
"Need a drink? Reaper's Stout?
Or a blood-red, unbrewed, virgin ale?"

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my
Lions and tigers and bears, oh my
Spookier than most
Not even a ghost
The United States V. P., Joe Bi'


(Just for the record - I've always liked Joe Biden)

There once was a dragon named Dan
Who was stalking a damsel. She ran
Away from some knight
Who wasn't quite right.
If Dan's lucky, he might be her man.

Dragon named Dan and the Damsel who ran
Were getting on grand while making their stand
But not-right knight
Did not quite fight
He struck up the band and danced a can-can

http://youtu.be/g2XNyqrXkGM

There are guys who just can't get things right.
While they're dancing the can-can at night,
Though sweet damsels might swoon
When they flash them the moon,
It's the dragon enjoying the sight.

To the Moulin Rouge went the knight and the dragon
The damsel went too, but she sadly was laggin'
It's near Sacré-Cœur
Where Christians they lure
As for Dan-Dragon, his big horny tail surely was waggin'

Dan's a horny, old dragon. It's true.
He likes girls. He likes guys. He'll like you.
At first meeting, he's charming,
But moods change. It's alarming
How tasty you'll seem to him, too.

So they watched the show with a pint of grog
Said Dan, they're gorgeous, not a single dog
The French like their sin
They're probably kin
Descended from the dragon is the frog


El Sancho apologizes personally to the French people for this one. I don't know what got into me.

Merde! !Sacre blue! Et mon dieu!
Mon French je avez perdu,
Mon mots du amour,
S'est tres tres poor,
So I'll stay in my local purlieu.

There once was a French speaking frog
And a dragon who lived in the bog.
A proud dog said his knight
Did their damsel. They might
Forgive her, but not that dumb dog.

The damsel the dragon and a dog named Bill
Left Paris that night in a red Coup De Ville
With the top down low
Sipping cheap Merlot
By morning at that rate they'd be in Brazil

^It comes to mind that a less fantastical trip might put everybody in Seville.

On the road trip, they're cruising along.
All's forgiven. Why not? Play a song!
Oh! What fun they have had:
Damsel good, dragon bad
While the knight senses something's gone wrong.

So the knight was motivatin' over the hill
When he saw the damsel in a Coup de Viille
"I'm a road runner, baby"
"You can't keep up with me"
As the Caddy passed him by he shouted, "Hey that's my dog Bill!"

(Shamelessly plagiarized from the two original rockers)

Chuck Berry
http://youtu.be/75RiHJGfyUE

Bo Diddley
http://youtu.be/f93neDEUuyE

Speaking of road-trip tunes...

Well they was outta San Pedro late that night
The moon and the stars was shining bright
They was heading up grapevine hill
Passing cars like they was standing still
This one seems sort of like a limerick but not quite

In the last half of this YouTube video, Bill does an amazing medley of old rocker riffs. (not Bill the dog, but Bill Kirchen, formerly of Commander Cody and the Lost Planet Airmen)
http://youtu.be/SBz6ldqXVrA

Just stopped by to say hi and goodbye
These limericks, I laugh til I cry
So keep on with this thread
Will I join?...not to fret
My tries would be like lullabies zzzz

Maybelline was the damsel's sweet name.
The brave knight thought the dragon's to blame.
He should find someone else,
But there ain't no one else
For a knight with his sight on that dame.



Nice one, Melanie! I hope to read more!

Here's what the damsel and her dragon might by playing if they were on motorcycles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UWRypqz5-o

Limericks make you laugh and sometimes groan
To make one up you won't need your trombone
Just between the two of us
The rhymes can be ludicrous
Like most things they're better with friends than alone


*I'm still trying to figure out what to do about the unrequited love of a knight-errant in a V-8 Ford chasing a damsel and a dragon in a Cadillac convertible coup up Grapevine Hill.

The knight found the damsel distressed
The dragon was groping her breasts
By the side of the road
In convertible mode
As their Cadillac coupe had no gas

The knight leaped gallantly from the V-8 Ford
Charging ahead while unsheathing his sword
The damsel she gasped
The knight then laughed
When everyone saw Dan-Dragon had prematurely scored

With a flourish the knight's on the scene.
The foul dragon retreats through the green.
The pure damsel is saved
From a dragon depraved,
But that knight's now alone with the teen.