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I love this! ^^Quote:
Originally Posted by Taliesin
I tend to think that is true....because the thing about friends from the opposite sex is that they are usually the rebound when a relationship fails.. and if the other friend doesn't feel the same way hearts can be broken...
That is not to say that guys and gals can't be friends....its just a lot more complicated.
The breaking heart situation's very common. Reciprocity is many times expected, and not as many times achieved. (I got hurt a lot of times ...) Then I learnt not to fall for whatever girl drops by. (I hope!) (I'm kidding ... I did learn something, otherwise I'd be dead, I think ...)Quote:
Originally Posted by Domer121
This is why I spoke about putting a barrier ...
I fell for a girl, once, and she did wish (and managed) us to become just friends. I can't say I wasn't hurt, for a while, but it was wise of her, because she's much younger than me. I don't know if it would have been good (not talking about sex ...) to have gotten involved with her in my feelings ... So, it's a relief, now, that nothing actually happened between me and her, 'cause now I can still be her friend. But, if she allows me in, in the occasion, and then dumps me away ... Hey, then I'd have been really injured.
I avoid doing this with my friends of the opposite sex that I know that can let their feelings for me to grow beyond what I can correspond.
Reciprocity is very important in life and relationships. Including with a community, for example. I'd never be here if I had been rejected here. I make part of forums where I'm somehow, welcome. I've been to two from which I went away, because they weren't friendly places (with me, at least). It happens. It's part of life.
"Le petit"
:crash:
Well ... It DIDN'T go. & We decided to be just friends.Quote:
Originally Posted by librarius_qui
If it does with her, it ... ay, has to do with me. (As a matter of respect. Not easy, but I feel I need to respect other people's feelings. When a girl likes you she likes you. When she doesn't, it's time to move on! I wanna girl who likes me, not one who keeps thinking about it.)
& I'm alive! :thumbs_up
So ... Just friends.
And she'll be among the best ones. That's good!~
:crash:
I have this GREAT friend who is a guy. I don't know what I'd do without him. Whether we ever get together or not is another thing...but I don't see it happening anytime soon. Which is fine with me. I don't really have feelings for him that way. He really is one of the best friends I've ever had, though.
Okay, on a more serious note.
There are people you are sexually attracted to.
There are people you can or have fallen in love with.
There are people you find aesthetically good-looking.
There are people you're friends with.
These categories might overlap and they often do, but they are different categories.
The question is a bit difficult to understand for me, being bisexual - what is meant here? That it is difficult to become friends and only friends with people that are in your "target group"? I don't know how it is for straight people, but I am not sexually attracted to everyone - and that means that there are a lot of people with whom it is "safe" to be friends - no sexual tension there, although they are, well, humans. Although there also might be the risk of falling in love, when you become very deeply involved with them.
Concerning the people you are sexually attracted to, yes, it is somewhat more difficult, but well, human relations are difficult.
But concerning people you don't feel sexually attracted to, yes, you can be friends, gender doesn't matter.
Shouldn't the question be rephrased as: "Can people who feel or can feel sexually attracted to each other be friends?"
thanks for your well thought out answer, Tal.Quote:
Originally Posted by Taliesin
I totally agree with you. I do not feel sexually attracted to everyone either, but some people seem to think that one must automatically be attracted to anyone of the opposite sex (in the case of heterosexual ppl). For example, I have a friend who does not have any guy friends and whenever she talks to a guy she starts checking whether he "ticks all the right boxes". She simply cannot be friends with any guy. This girl is an extreme example, because her mind's totally muddled anyway, but lots of people seem to think that whenever you say as much as "Hello" to someone of the opposite sex, it's a pick up line. :( I find this really confusing, because I've got a handful of guy friends with whom there is no sexual tension whatsoever.
I think a lot of these categories kind-of overlap in various ways all the time. Except maybe not the fall in love part, at least not for me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Taliesin
Maybe I'm like Sleepy's "muddled" friend, I don't know. But I can pretty much end up being at least somewhat attracted to almost anyone that I spend enough time with . . . Since I'm straight for most general purposes, in the case of girls that means finding them aesthetically good-looking and in the case of guys that means something that could feel more like a crush, even if it usually isn't all-out sexual attraction. Once I get to know a person emotionally/mentally/whatever, I usually end up recognizing more of their physical beauty too. Because pretty much everyone is beautiful in some way.
I have had a handful of male friends who it seems like I could only ever just be friends with them. But even them, I can very much appreciate the way they look and things like that. Not that there is sexual tension necessarily.
You know, this topic has been on my mind recently. Cause I want to hang out more with this married guy friend of mine. But I feel like he feels a little bit uncomfortable about it. I do have a crush on him, but I'm in a relationship too. I have no intentions of that sort. I just want to spend time with him cause he's an awesome person. But I feel like the fact we are both in relationships seems to be getting in the way. And it's frustrating.
Yes, that's why it's so difficult to be friends with someone of the opposite sex! Not only do signals get sometimes confused, but one's partner tends to get a wee bit jealous!! It seems to happen to me a lot, and that's why I tend to discourage people from the opposite sex when I'm in a couple, which is a pity because I quite enjoy their company.
I remember I met someone once when I was in my late teens. She was a very attractive girl, about a year older than me, and we got on extremely well (she would eventually invite me to stay with her family for several months when I decided to visit her country). However, there was never really anything more than friendship to it. She was definitely a good looking girl, but for whatever reason (and I'll confess, this was very unusual for me), though I was single at the time, I never thought about trying to make anything else of it.
We were good friends for about 2 years, but then we drifted apart, for a number of reasons, not least geography. But I thought I'd mention it, because we were both sexually mature and single, and yet neither of us was really interested in the other on that level.
As far as I can tell, all the female friends I have I was or currently am attracted to. It's sad, really. I've even confessed my love to one, and we are still friends (she didn't like me that way, it seems). I went to prom with another, and yet another probably has no idea how fond I am of her.
Maybe this is best for me as my love life has been nothing more than pitiful.
Love life of a seventeen year old? :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Dori
This kind of behaviour particularly annoys me. First of all, personally speaking, I never feel the sexual tension or whatever when any person from the opposite gender asks me a question/talks to me or anything, but that might be because I am cold or whatever, so I can admit other people might be able to feel what I can not. But the thing is that we human-beings have got something called 'will' or 'self-control' which enables us to put a guard on ourselves. I mean what use will it be if you can't even handle a proper conversation with someone from the opposite gender without blushing? Though of course it isn't probably something very big and your friend has a right to choose whatever gender she likes to befriend, but personally I will feel highly uncomfortable (and sort of annoyed too) if somebody from the opposite gender will keep on blushing while trying to answer a question of mine and his friends would be exchanging meaningful glances beside him...Quote:
For example, I have a friend who does not have any guy friends and whenever she talks to a guy she starts checking whether he "ticks all the right boxes". She simply cannot be friends with any guy. This girl is an extreme example, because her mind's totally muddled anyway, but lots of people seem to think that whenever you say as much as "Hello" to someone of the opposite sex, it's a pick up line. I find this really confusing, because I've got a handful of guy friends with whom there is no sexual tension whatsoever.
nope, you're not like my muddled friend at all. in fact, she does not get attracted (sexually or even emotionally) to people. She is stuck in a cycle (and in denial about it) and follows a "pattern" (she says so herself and is proud of it). She does not get gradually attracted to someone. As soon as she talks to a guy she looks for rational reasons why she should get together with him (i.e. whether he fits her "pattern"). When she's got a guy, she doesn't know what to do with him :brow: I don't think she's ever had a crush or been in love, she just imitates the behaviour she sees around her but the emotional counterpart is missing. I told you she's nuts.Quote:
Originally Posted by kratsayra
Hehe, I think I'm a bit like you. The better I know someone, the more beautiful they look, even if they are objectively the hunchback of Notre-Dame. This goes for friends where there is zero attraction as well as for not-really-crushes.
Ah I see, so it is a little different than being interested in or attracted to people she meets. Well, maybe one day she will fall suddenly and unexpectedly in love and it will be with someone who doesn't fit any of her rational reasons! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by SleepyWitch
It's not sad, it's sweet!! I used to be that way too, and am still making efforts not to develop infatuations for every person who crosses my path. :lol: I guess some people are more prone to falling in love or harbouring crushes than others...Quote:
Originally Posted by Dori
They're not crushes. Sometimes, though, I wish they were so I wouldn't be tormented as much.Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitterfly
And how is it sweet?
Well, it's sweet because it seems to indicate you have a tender heart. It's far sweeter, anyway, than someone who never falls in love. :)
I'm very tormented by this last girl's answer, and I made proper preassure, because I didn't want to boil it!
I'll rather have a no than a boiling don't know!
The shadow is awful to me! I like things clear. I tell: "hey, girl, I like you!" She says "aaaahh!!!", and runs away! It's completely like me! One day, one girl will say back "hey, I like you too! :) ", and won't scream or run away. And we'll be ... fighting for ever, happily.
That's somewhat what I'd like to happen to me.
Anyway, as long time passed, I decided not to let things within so much than to talk with the other part. No matter the answer. Better a "no" than a lot of confusing imaginatiive thoughts! I don't like to live on what my mind makes. It's better to live ... life.
:crash:
So, you guys talked about friends with benefits yet? Or is that too far on the immature-college level?
That NEVER works (not that I have partaken personally, but a number of my friends have)
What is "friends with benefits"? Sounds interesting.Quote:
Originally Posted by aBIGsheep
Well, I suppose you're right.Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitterfly
Sometimes I liken myself to the phantom from Phantom of the Opera. Meh, I'm a hopeless romantic.
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitterfly
FWBs are friends that are physically intimate with one another, to put it lightly.
I have seen this go really badly as well. Someone always ends up hurt.Quote:
Originally Posted by *Classic*Charm*
Sorry to go a bit off-topic but I can't really see how being sexually attracted to a couple of kids confirms you have a tender heart/not being in love (romantic) shows that you don't have a tender heart...Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitterfly
I can only answer for me...Quote:
Originally Posted by SleepyWitch
When I was young, no. Now that I'm 'seasoned', yes. :)
Hmm, because we were not speaking about sexual attraction, first of all? Dori rejected my suggestion of crushes (which I associate with sexual attraction) and said he fell in love, if I remember well. Where you could be right, though, is that falling in love and sexual attraction might not be very different. I still haven't made up my mind as to whether the impression of falling in love is an illusion that masks "mere" sexual attraction (anyway, i don't much care, both are s pleasant!! :p ).Quote:
Originally Posted by Pensive
As for the second part of your question, I'm a little surprised that you equate not falling in love with being romantic, actually. Do you mean that those who don't fall in love right and left are in fact waiting for the right person to come along or something like that?
Well, when you feel like taking somebody to a prom, it usually shows that you are not only interested in their words of wisdom or intellectual talk or any other qualities that you may think makes a person 'love' another. Sexual attraction does have a part in that unless it's a platonic crush which judging by Dori's posts does not appear to be.Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitterfly
I don't. It was romantic love.Quote:
the second part of your question, I'm a little surprised that you equate not falling in love with being romantic, actually. Do you mean that those who don't fall in love right and left are in fact waiting for the right person to come along or something like that?
All I meant was that romantic involvement in somebody (or three people at a time as it seems to be the case here) no way shows that you are basically tender-hearted and especially that you are more tender-hearted than a person who isn't involed in somebody in the romantic sense. (No offence meant to Dori, I am just speaking generally).
Actually, I fine that they usually end up in a relationship, which of course was what both people involved were avoiding. This might not sound like a bad thing, but usually their little arrangement started because both had just gotten out of serious relationships and wanted intimacy without commitment. They end up committed when neither was really ready to be so. The relationships are never healthy ones.Quote:
Originally Posted by Joreads
To clear up my comments:
The females I was referring to are not those whom I lusted, but those whom I genuinely loved (well, one of them at least!). The one girl that I fell in love with (and I don't use this phrase lightly) refused me. It was not a crush, at least to my understanding it wasn't. At first I thought it was, but after 2 years of bitter torment I was convinced that I loved her (I confess I was REALLY shy). I unintentially confessed my love over AIM (she prompted me). If you're interested, I still have that AIM convo saved on my computer. I still have feelings for her, and I my heart cringes at the mentioning of her boyfriend (every math class!).
Now she's one of my best friends, and I would give anything to be with her.
I never lusted her, by the way. The gorgeous girls that I've never talked to, those are the ones I lust.
Well, there we differ! :p In French there's a nice expression to qualify someone who falls in love easily: an artichoke heart, ie a tender heart that is easily touched by the arrows of Cupid! Someone who never falls in love, I must admit I'd find rather cold.Quote:
All I meant was that romantic involvement in somebody (or three people at a time as it seems to be the case here) no way shows that you are basically tender-hearted and especially that you are more tender-hearted than a person who isn't involed in somebody in the romantic sense. (No offence meant to Dori, I am just speaking generally).
well, i think it is high time i said what my opinion on this whole friends-issue. to start with, i do not think that friendship between the two sexes can exist really easily and that it can be an honest 100% friendly relationship, because we are bound to find each other attractive in a way. nature's fault not mine! boys and girls may be friends but it is hard that no one will feel something more at some time, even if this feeling won't last long. moreover, i believe it is difficult to have a best friend of the other sex.
now, about the friends with benefits. come on!let's be mature and not act like kids!how many of us could be friends with someone and have an open relationship with him at the same time? because we are talking about some kind of open relationship here, don't we? could you sleep with someone whom you regard as a friend, then stay friends with him, without feeling anything more, and every now and then sleep with him, or act like you are lovers? that is not a friendship, because if this could be part of friendships in general, then you would do the same with your friends of the same sex, or there would be no need for people to commit themselves to a relationship; we could all just have some friends, to some of whom we could be sexually attracted and have purely sexual relationships with.or no?
and i would also agree with tim. i think we should be honest with the people we like, or are in love with. i think it is better for our mentality to declare our feelings for others-and i am not just talking about love- than keep them inside. personally, i find it really hard to hide them, it is not that i can't , because i do can if i want to, it is just that this thing makes me feel really bad and full of anxiety. i think that honesty is better, even if things don't turn out the way we'd wish them to. and tim, please don't cry cause i will cry too:bawling:
So, what do you think?Quote:
Originally Posted by SleepyWitch
oops, Scher, sorry haven't been around in a while.
Well... I used to think it was all clear-cut and you could have boy-girl friendships with zero romance. I still think that's possible, but maybe it's rarer than I thought. Now I think it's more like a spectrum and there might be an element of romance in these friendships, but of course it all depends on how people deal with it. I still believe they can be friends if they handle it maturely and don't get upset or carried away or whatever.
Anyway, I have another question. What annoys me majorly these days is the way girls say "I like him." when they mean they fancy someone. I mean, come on. If it was there boyfriend and another girl asked them "How's it going with your boyfriend?" the answer would not be: "Oh yeah, I like him."
The problem is the meaning of 'like' gets sexualised and whenever I try to say that I like a guy who I am trying to make friends with, other girls give me weird looks or go on about how I'm married or he's married or whatever. :confused: So are you supposed to deny or cover up your friendships with people of the opposite sex, just so these girls can have some piece of mind?
Was it ever possible to say "I like X." about a person of the opposite sex to say you like them as a friend without any sexual connotations or is that just me splitting hairs?