Quote:
Originally Posted by TheKnife
simple, yet it conveys so much, well played my friend
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheKnife
simple, yet it conveys so much, well played my friend
Thanks Penn and Seasong. I really appreciate your comments. Revising the original poem yesterday helped it greatly. I imagine I have picked up some skills here at Lit Net to help improve. The original poem was written 3yrs ago. Heartache always makes for good poetry.
Interesting about the Sestina. I have a book on poetry form and will have to look that one up. I had never heard of it before.
Thanks - Penn, for explaining it to me. My poem was just a freeform. I don't think I am good enough to attempt a Sestina yet.
The Knife - Hi, see you just joined up. Glad to have you onboard. Lit Net is so much fun and everyone is so nice and helpful. I liked your 2 small poems very much - they are intersesting imagery, and as Tristelle pointed out - say much with simplicity. I like that sort of thing myself. Some of our most beloved poets have used simplicity to say eons. Look at one I posted by Carl Sandburg on Fog. Emily Dickenson wrote with simplicity and her poems lasted the test of time. Keep writing - will be anxious to see the result. You might try "Shared Haiku", also. We have a lot of fun in that thread and it is easy and a good learning tool.
PS: Seasong - so interesting you picked this for your user name. I am Sealace in some of my other sites. Also, Sealacemoon in one IM, since Sealace was taken. Sealace is from an e.e. cummings poem. Is Seasong from a poem or did you make it up? I like the name very much.
I just made it up. I'm from the east coast and miss the ocean rather badly since I'm currently in the midwest for college, but I'm glad you like it.
Seasong, I love the ocean, too, and am on the east coast. Saw the ocean on west coast and fell in love with the sunsets and the fabulous surf and rocky coastlines, etc. Washington state has the greatest sea-stacks; did you ever see photos of them or see them? In the summer hope you can view your beloved ocean again. Spring is just around the corner. Think spring!
It's hard to think forward to it in the middle of midterms but I sincerely hope to be back there this summer. I've never actually seen any of the Washington sea stacks. My Pacific ocean experiences is limited to California. It would be lovely to go to the beach again... hopefully in a few months :D!
Seasong - oh you are a beach bum! I love the beach, too, but have not actually been down to the shore since two years now. I miss it so. I am only about 60 miles away - an hour and 1/2 - the Jersey shore. I have to get down there this year for certain. Ca beach line is magnificent! Our beaches here are the best to actually swim and lounge on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Janine
it is here that i must disagree, the salty relaxed air of the oregon coast does tend to lend it a recalitrancy that no other coastline has, maybe its just that oregon is perhaps just the greatest state...ever. not to dis on WA thought, love their coastline too, maybe because it is similar to our own, just with less of those lovely liberal portlanders. :)
Tristelle, I am totally in agreement with you and I am jealous. I have heard about Oregon's coastline and heard it is the best, most beautiful. Of course I have seen countless photos. I just meant for swimming, actual swimming. Isn't the water up that way too cold to swim in? I know Northern CA was cold in the water when I was there and you are futher north yet. For atmosphere and beauty you are absolutely right. However, I did very much like the Olympic Penninsula and went to Rialto Beach, where dramatic sea stacks make one want to write poetry. Does Oregon have the stacks, too? Just curious. Lucky you to live there!
My dreams ran high
on sheets of glory amounting
to the sky,
on golden sparrow wings,
through lands of immaculate views,
in honey nestles of daytime springs,
in soft spoken words told only to you,
but on that carpet, on that wing,
wisked through views of spring
it crashed upon a bark so thick,
and drowned within a pond so deep,
the way dreams change,
so unprecedented, so swift,
made fresh then killed,
anew again,
only to repeat the cycle once more.
..........
That's pretty 'Dole, but there's this. OK. You start with three lines, rhyming. Then a quadtrain with the same basic rhyme. Then a diffrent rhyme. Then free verse for the end. It really should all match, and I couldn't say which way to go. All of it is good. I might use each piece for the beginning and write a poem to go with each one. Just a thought. Oh, and if you object to being called 'Dole, just tell me. I'm bad for sticking people with nicknames. ;)
Lol. I don't mind. Thanks Pendragon, you're very right.
The Fifth Season
She loved the leaf’s first binding brown-
bursting buds to raise new blooms,
casting blood-clotted nets to span
an entire autumn-generated affair.
(Reflections cast with iron gilded soundings)
Yes, the brackets hold “my heart.”
Smooth withered ash rouses slumber-winds,
Throws around the old strewn trash land-
Fells her own trees in giant hollow wood mounds.
Drip, dew- remind us that dying hanged is to love,
to hold the bending branch and smile at tears
in gnarled, young hands whose fingers curl
To clasp the ever-growing strains, laughing.
And then winter holds the summer’s waist, casts
Around the ultimate excuse of rusted alien
Wheel spokes: the old nation lies, jealousy refined-
Where voids reside as truths and hope is happy-
there carpets blanket the soil in hypothermic thermoforms
(Letters strung together by specific instructions that
had the leaves to catch synthesised greens
but leave no sense excepting sleep impressions.)
One observes the bloom’s blood crimson
A thorn’s gentle kiss on sallow cheeks of white,
Where nights cut at cloths that know no spite-
Now in smiling sculptures loaded down.
Hey all. This is my first poem on here. Be gentle please!
Bit angry for me this one (!) and nowhere near as eloquent as some other works here. In a way I suppose thats kind of the idea.... but see what you think anyway!
Disney screwed me over
Like the guy who called me fat
Made me believe in whats not there
You ****ing Cheshire Cat
Prince Charming, he found rock and roll
Football beer and testosterone
Every little girls dream is a nightmare
That haunts women today
Westlife lied to me as well
Shouldn't be surprised
Telling how they love her so
in a way I now despise
Beauty loved her Beast long-time
But he turned to a cliche
Accepting whats the honest truth
Is hard to do today
Men are bastards, men are ****s
Thanks to publicity stunts
I can't love you as you are
'cause you don't have a horse you have a car.
And if they can't do anything right
Does that make them wrong?
'ello, Poppet! Not 'alf bad, not at all. Hey, I'll quit with the accent, you want the serious criticism. Two things-- less language and work on the rhyme. Language should be avoided in poetry unless used for "shock value", and I don't think this poem needs it. The rhyme is fine except where I've marked it. Good luck! Pen :thumbs_up :)Quote:
Originally Posted by poppet
poppet. Hi, welcome to the forum.
I agree - I find the language in your poem offensive and obviously the moderators did as well, since they censored it several places. It really does not enhance your poem at all. I winched when I read those parts. The poem is well written, but a little too angry for my tastes. I imagine you are getting your point across about sterotypes and the image of the knight in shining armor and trying to live up to those unreal expectations, correct? This poem is awfully bitter though. Can you get your point across without all the hatred and bitterness? Is the bitterness directed at men in general? I was confused about this point.
true, the water is waaay to cold to swim in, but for natural poetic scenery, its one of the best places, yeah, there are excellent sea stacks, in fact there is a great one by my beach house in cannon beach, if you want a cool picture, google "haystack rock". maybe i am projecting my personal preferences a bit, but i think it is way cool, check it out for yourself thoughQuote:
Originally Posted by Janine
i am in agreance, it is an interesting piece, and i think it has within it a good message about broken dreams, but the profanity, hate, and the general one sidedness of it really turned me, off, maybe if you had a more wistful tone as to the loss of childhood dreams, with a bitter aftertaste, then your message would be better contained, as is, i say scrap it or give it some serious time.Quote:
Originally Posted by Janine
That's ok, we can speak a little on here, between poetry posts, etc. I just looked at Cannon beach - it is amazing and soooo beautiful. Lucky lucky you living near there! And those West Coast sunsets are to die for. I am so jealous. Those photos are wonderful...love that site. The sea stack really does look just like a haystack - how strange and interesting it is. It reminds me of Morro Rock, but smaller (may have spelled that wrong) in S.CA. I just found this site on Rialto Beach on the Olympic Peninsula: http://www.nwexposures.org/publishIm...element45B.jpgQuote:
Originally Posted by Triskele
If you ever get a chance to go up there go - you will love it. By the way, I do love mostly "poetic scenery", so I could easily give up the ocean swim to see such natural beauty.
Triskele, thanks for your critique on Poppet's poem. You worded that really well. Poppet, don't get discouraged, but just use discretion next time.
This is probably the darkest piece I ever wrote. Feel free to critique. If I cannot take it, I should not give it, correct?
HE DOESN’T NEED YOU NOW
You never had the time for him,
This child of your desire.
There were always so many things you felt were so much more important.
He tried in so many ways to tell you of the longing he felt,
But his pleas fell upon deaf ears.
Finally, he became so desperate for your attention,
He felt he had no choice,
And the sharp bark of a gun rent the summer night.
At his funeral, you shed a gallon of tears,
Sobbed about your loss,
And now you haunt his gravestone,
Though you were seldom in his room.
Your job suffers,
You lose so much sleep,
You long to hold him close—
All noble things:
But he doesn’t need you now…
D.L. Harris
© 1995
Penn, Dark but not at all unrealistic. In today's world this alienation is very prominent. People don't have time for each other including family members. It is a good poem, Penn, and more simply stated than many I have read from you before. It really hits home though and I especially like your closing line....excellent! The poem is not angry, but is filled with remorse and is quite sad. It is fine to be "dark", so much poetry is afterall, but it is more desirable to stay with the decretion of good taste, which you have done. You indicated the death and suicide subtly and yet one knew immediately what you were talking about, without having to shock in a crude or graphic manner. Good to leave that to the reader's own imagination. If I were to change one thing, it would be the line ending in "fell upon deaf ears", only because it sounded so familiar to me and trite, maybe, unless you intended it to be so, as a reference to that often used phrase. Also, I see you wrote this in 1995, so I would not alter it. If you change anything just make a second version. Penn, I really liked your poem very much. I liked the way it flowed and the emotion in it. It found it really touching.
I think "so much" is extraneous, all the lines are relatively short except for that one and you don't really need those words so it might flow better without them. Just a thought :D.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pendragon
I like it, it's honest.
Janie, Seasong, thank you for your kind words. You are both correct in the things you pointed out, Janie "fell on deaf ears" is an over-used phraze, but as you say, I wrote this back in 1995, and my poem career was just taking off. I might say "his words echoed in a vaccum" now, or something to that effect. Seasong, yes the line is not only too long, but I have used the word "so" three times in those two lines! I might revise that if I were writing the poem now to:
"You considered everything else of more importance,
Never seeing the blinking red lights he sent you."
Just a thought. Thank you. :thumbs_up :)
Sorry its a bit of a delayed response but thanks for response
To clarify the poem wasnt supposed to be an assault on men, or indeed technically perfect in terms of rhyming etc (thanks for pointing these out though!) and yes the swearings probably quite harsh
But...
I wrote it thinking about how the world paints a picture of the way your life should be and how it never really turns out that way. How many people here can claim they are currently living the life they thought they would be when they were 8 years old?
The main area this focuses on is how men are portrayed as being the knight in shining armour coming in to sweep you off your feet and treat you like...well a princess! I wanted to point out how it is somewhat unfair to criticise any man who didnt do this in the obvious way as just because hes not perfect doesnt mean hes unworthy of you. As I have no doubt the vast majority of men in the world would do anything they could for the woman they love!
I realise its a very negative approach but the harshness reflects how harsh and quick to judge people can be (I think!).
I didnt put massive amounts of thought into it to be honest and am more of a songwriter than a poet in many senses. Oh well! Seemed like a good idea at the time!
Cheers for the feedback though - I'll try and be more lady-like next time!! :)
X*X*X
Poppet, I think your idea is a good one, but I think it needs to be re-worked to achieve what you just wrote in this post. If you actually stated what you are here (in your post) stating about the intentions of your poem, you would have gotten the idea across. Why be so obscure - come out and use this imagery. You could make the poem more one of disillusionism, instead of such blantant anger. Can you see my point?
Also, it was hard to know what the point of the author(yourself) was here, so your poem did not come quite across as a general idea of the masses feeling this way. It came off as you feeling angry about it, the world being looked at this way and it's expectations on individuals. I did get the idea of the stereotyped version or Cinderella/knights in white armor, etc. idea. I got that notion right away. It it true that we all have aspired at one time to unrealistic expectations of the world around us, but eventually, with age and wisdom, one does see the difference quite clearly. But dreams are not to be knocked either - dreaming can spur on great things and can make us sensitive to the world around us, as well. Great novelists and poets have many times been dreamers! I think, in writing this harsh a poem, it went against those sensibilities many of us feel on this site. I think you have good ideas and talent to put them to work effectively, not just for song writing; which, by the way, I consider poetry. Poppet. please keep writing and let us all see what you can come up with.
The thing is, profanity is really frowned at on this site. The moderators are very strict about it and you can get into trouble, repeatedly posting stuff they have to censor. I am telling you this to make you aware, so being lady-like and respectable would be preferable in this case. True that many well-known poets have used profanity, and even fought censorship, but I would not recommend it on this site. It would offend many here. This site is for all races and religions and there are people from all walks of life. Just keep that in mind, if you wish others to read your poetry. Hope this sheds some light on things and you continue to post your poems. Diversity is wonderful and I want to encourage and not discourage you from being poetic.
Have a great day! Janine :)
Hello people, I am relatively new to the forum and new to this thread though I read some poems from the magnificent volume of 13 pages :) well done- the future of poetry, I feel, is here!
Also, can I post my own? I don't want to intrude into the middle (or end) of the thread.
Sincerely Dyingflame
umm, penn -- it's an oxymoron to say "echoed in a vacuum," (my physics kicking in) but it is a cool phrase. Just wondering if you really wanted that. Kudos on the awesome poem, and putting it out there, for all of us to pick apart. I'm gonna have to post a few, so y'all can critique me for a change. >.< Sorry if I'm ever too critical.
Welcome and definitely post! Happy you read so many of the past 13 pages of poems...thanks! I think few people bother to do that and it is ashame. There is some good stuff in those 13 pages, as you said. DF, do add to this thread anytime you feel like it. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by dyingflame
Good observation zanna. I hope you can post some of your work soon. I know all will be interested in reading it. You are not being too critical. Everyone on here deserves their opinion. I think your critique of Penn's poem pointed something out and also was quite complimentary and encouraging, not really picking it appart. Penn is honest too and I am sure he will appreciate any comments.Quote:
Originally Posted by zanna
Hi everybody tell me what you think of this one
m&m's
An odd wrinkled crippled retarded confection
toward the bottom of the bag
His sugar skin more alluring
because of malformation
The Lord demands sacrifice without blemish
but gluttony tolerates no survivor
I gobble him up
Not surprising he tastes sweeter than the others
Quite OK, Zanna. I stink at Physics anyway, but I know sound doesn't carry well in a vacuum, which was the basis of the line. Here, we all can learn from each other, that is the beauty of this forum and why I love to stay here. No matter if some of us have been writing poetry and stories longer than others have been alive, it doesn't mean that we are the teachers and they the students. No. We are equal here, poets gathered to help each other and sometimes older poets become too sure of ourselves, and we need young blood to point out what we refuse to see! And we can share experience as to what an editor expects, what they will probably trash or take, because we've been there! Never hesitate to point out a shortcoming in my writing! Thank you! :thumbs_up :)Quote:
Originally Posted by zanna
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledsepp
Interesting. I would change the word "retarded" in the first line. That is going to offend people, and doesn't really fit the situation; obviously candy cannot be in any way mentally deficient. "Warped" "Twisted" "Cracked" "Chipped" "Malformed" Something like that would be better, and the poem doesn't loose focus or meaning. Good luck! :thumbs_up :)
I'm with Pendragon on this one Ledsepp. I read the first line and thought you were writing something offensive, but it wasn't. I adore words because they have so many different levels of meaning and can be interpreted so differently, but they can be weapons so some should be used carefully.
Ledsepp, In my opinion the first line is too long anyway and you would benefit from dropping the "retarded" word. The idea gets across really well without it - provides the reader with the graphic image you are trying to portray, without negative connotations, when using the word "retarded". You poem flows better without it anyway. I like the idea of the poem - interesting and different.
Thoughts on this one?
REVERSIBLE #2
Continuing limbo, ceasing never
Never go back; go forward: never
Temporary islands, brief intercession
Lasting not. Worthwhile? Barely
Cycle returns, pain follows pain
Doubt and fear are here
Endless sorrow, forever crying
No one listens
Darkness falls fast
Fast falls darkness
Listens no one
Crying forever, sorrow: endless
Here are fear and doubt
Pain follows pain, returns cycle
Barely worthwhile, not lasting
Intercession brief, islands temporary
Never forward go, back: go never
Never ceasing, limbo continuing
DL Harris
© 1996
Interesting poem, Penn; I like the way you have reversed the words for the second half - takes on a different sort of meaning or feeling, doesn't it? I think the poem is emotional and very focussed. Very cleverly, the poem completes the circle or cycle, which is the main theme here, correct? Being trapped in the emotional circle?
I like this poem very much. Interesting that you wrote this one in 1996. I feel it is one of your best that I have read. It is clearcut and more symplified and relies on the impact of the words and structure or reversal; it is quite unique. Good job, Penn!:thumbs_up
Penn, I really liked your comments to Zanna, this being part of what you said "Here, we all can learn from each other, that is the beauty of this forum and why I love to stay here." Your entire paragraph is so true and I feel the same way about being here. We are all equal and learning from each other....completely true.:)
Thanks guys, how about this for the first line
A curious, wrinkled confection
toward the bottom of the bag
Hi Ledsepp,
Here's your old lines -
An odd wrinkled crippled retarded confection
toward the bottom of the bag
New lines -
A curious, wrinkled confection
toward the bottom of the bag
Yes, I like this much better and it flows well - matches the second line lyrically, don't you think? Good idea. The word "curious" is a good one to start the poem off with. It makes one curious to read on. Your first line is now much more inviting.
Hiow do I post a poem? Ignorant in california?
Hi awiefka...wecome to Lit Net Forums!Quote:
Originally Posted by zwiefka
All you have to do is - post your poem! Everyone is so nice here. It is fun, don't be shy. If you press "Go Advanced" you can better edit your text and also format, etc, and use the menu at the top. Then press Submit and you enter your post.
Hope this is helpful. Shared Haiku is fun, too, and you can get to know more people by their poetry. Hope to read your poems soon. Janine