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This week's PM:Quote:
I have a cousin that has always been flakey. He always comes to me when he is having problems (I once had a $300 phone bill because of him). If he needs something I’ve always been there however the same cannot be said in reverse. I’m beginning to feel used. Now, I can’t just stop talking to him, I see him at family functions and want to remain friendly but how do I stop being too close and getting involved in his problems?
don't answer the phone when he rings you? you can still be friendly when you see him, but you'll just happen not to be at home whenever he phones.
I think that's a good plan, but if you never answer when he calls, it might be just a little bit too obvious that you're trying to avoid him.Quote:
Originally Posted by SleepyWitch
what if little by little you stop being there for him, then maybe he will get the hint. If not then tell him the truth rather than running away from the problem
Next time he asks for money tell you don't have it.
Learning to say no can take practice, but it’s so liberating. Family is fantastic, but sometimes we have to distance ourselves for our own good. Sometimes family will become belligerent when that distancing starts. Don’t feel guilty for saying no or for taking care of yourself. If you say I can’t afford to offer this or that then you establish boundaries that you can’t be blamed for and you model responsibility. It might help to have a back up obligation that you can use to create a little distance. If all else fails then you could start complaining about all of the problems you are experiencing especially those that your cousin had no interest in. If you complain and request help enough the cousin may make the distance for you.
You don't want to be an enabler. You'll start to resent him when he won't appreciate what you do for him, and he'll start to believe that your purpose in life is to "help him. Then again, sometimes, someone just needs a boost, and then a lesson about how a boost won't always be available. Good luck.
Hmmm, this one is a tough call as we are dealing with family here. However, I think that Shalot made some good points. I think that I'd shy away from loaning any further money, if that has been a problem. And lastly, if he isn't willing to be there for you when you need him, perhaps gently mention that support is a two-way street ...
Good luck from me too. :)
Become so violent and scary for a while that he'll be thankful enough that you stop being it and the fact that you refuse to help him with his problems will be only a minor issue.
Going berserk occasionally is always a good choice, for example. Just remember to bite your shield and attack everything in sight with your sword/axe/other weapon of choice.
OMG, I am seriously laughing my *** off! :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Taliesin
I know that this doesn't really help the poor person involved with the problem, but a shot of humour is always good for the soul... :)
I have actually seen such strategies work too. :p For example there was this person's story I read somewhere whose mother was pretty much against the idea of her sister having a boyfriend and a lot of screaming/banging/hitting was expected from her side when the sister was to reveal about her boyfriend.To prevent all this, along with the cooperation of her sister, she started to feed her mother's ears that the sister was a lezbian. Now the mother for whom the idea of a lezbian for a daughter could have been a disaster became very worried especially when she showed her a picture of a sister's friend hugging her (that friend often phoned her sister for hours and hours too :p).Quote:
Originally Posted by kiz_paws
Now the mother decided to have a talk with her other daughter (whom she was perceiving to be a lezbian) face-to-face and when she told her there was no such thing and her sister (the girl who narrated the story) was making it all up for the name of fun the mother took the breath of happiness and felt very revealed and didn't mind much when her straight daughter told her about the boyfriend of hers....
See it works but yeah can be risky if the person involved happens to be more intelligent than the mother we are talking about here! :D
It depends on the character of the friend. If I thought that they would use or abuse, I would not like it. I've never had a sister though.Quote:
Originally Posted by Scheherazade
You would feel differently if you had, perhaps.Quote:
Originally Posted by BienvenuJDC
*bump*
Please keep in mind that there are real people behind these posts, with real problems. If you don't have any constructive to add to the discussion, try not to post. Thank you all.
Here is a letter from a female member:
I've a crush on this girl. She's smart, gorgeous and well-read. We talk sometimes online and in facebook but I'm too shy to speak to her in real life.
What should I do? I really like her but I'm afraid of rejection, she's so beautiful and intelligent too, more so than me and I don't think she'd like someone like me, a short, dark-skinned Germany-loving kid.
I don't even know if she feels a flicker of attractiong for me. Help!