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One thing, right off the bat that i had to reread, and am still not clear. The first two lines:
"Watch out!" Roland stepped on the brake and brought the car to a skidding halt.
The two kids ran in front of the car and stopped two metres ahead of them.
Does this mean that two kids ran out in front of a car after it stopped?
Who was the "them"?
Reading with interest however...
-- Phil
yep it means the kids jump on to the road in front of the car like kids sometimes do to annoy people ("them" is Julia and Roland, in the car)
How do you attach a word document to your posts?
Here Sleepy. I take it this is what your story picks up on. Thought you and whoever reads the story might be interested. The article has pictures on the web site. Costumes are very elaborate and well done.
http://www.spiegel.de/international/...467230,00.htmlQuote:
German Carnival Pokes Fun at Hitler, Bush and the Mullahs
Hitler, Bush and the Mullahs have one thing in common: they're represented as effigies at the Düsseldorf carnival. On Rose Monday, costumed revelers cheered on the parade which pokes fun at everyone and everything.
Once a year, the Germans show off their humorous side: dressed up with wigs, masks and costumes, they flock to their local carnival parade to get madly drunk and sing along to carnival chansons à la "I need more beer." Those who want the real deal go to the Rhineland where cities like Cologne or Düsseldorf have become carnival mecca.
While Cologne is undoubtedly the number one in the fun league when it comes to numbers -- up to 1 million revelers were expected for the Rose Monday parade -- the Düsseldorf carnival has earned much admiration for its politically incorrect spirit. This year's parade is themed "Düsseldorf's foolish illusions."
Effigies of Hitler relieving himself or George Bush smelling the armpit of Iranian leader Ahmadinejad -- the float is dubbed "Achsel (the German word for 'armpit') of evil" -- demonstrate Düsseldorf's high art of poking fun.
German politicians and celebrities are also paraded by the German jesters. Chancellor Merkel makes an appearance in a bathing suit and as a weasel licking the head of her vice chanceller Müntefering on two floats at Cologne carnival. Cyclist Jan Ullrich -- under suspicion of doping -- is another countryman who had been remodeled as an effigy.
hey old Virgil, thanks for the link. will read it later.
i've written a better ending for the story and will post it tomorrow! what a coincidence.
hey Uncle Virgil, Jean and all my other suporters :) the new ending is up :)
how do you like it?
is it any better now?
hehe, after reading this article, do you think my description is accurate?Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
is Spiegel International edition available in print over there? (the German edition is a renowned weekly newspaper, which I read regularly).
i saw it at a newsagent's the other day and was curious about it coz i didn't know there is an English edition.
Do you think this article was written by a native speaker of English? sounds very native to me. maybe I'll by a copy of the print edition to study the language and find out who writes their articles.
I have never heard of Spiegel International before. The article headline came across a web site that collates interesting news items of the day and I saw the headline and rembembered your story.
Speaking of your story, I'll down load and try to read it tonight if I get the chance.
That's exciting, Sleepy! You'll have to give me a few days, but I'll read it as soon as I get some time to breath.Quote:
Originally Posted by SleepyWitch
thanks Jean and Uncle Vergilius
here's some Berlin donuts for you (traditional German Carnival specialty. called Berliner in the North and Krapfen down here)
(can i resize images in php code? I'll try it, coz it's a bit large. nope it's not working. i suppose that's why it's called php and not html)
http://www.landvogt-back.de/images/NeueKrapfen.JPG
Hold the donuts. I didn't get a chance to read it last night. I will though. I'm really curious how you end it.
Donuts look delicious though. I wonder if my fatty liver can handle them. ;)
OK I read it this morning. Much improved. :thumbs_up Yes I really like it now Sleepy. I'm not much on endings that explains it all, but you handled it very well, and now I see why you have that intro with the boy and roland. The story is now organically whole, and that is always a first priority. One qualm I still have is that Uncle Bernhardt's attraction to her still comes across as unprepared and sudden. I don't know if you have enough on what makes him tick. I know he's awkward and unused to making a pass at a lady, but why does he do it? What makes him go over that line. It seems to be a missing answer.
But I really do love the story now. It makes me want to read more of characters. Great work. You should try to get it published.
OK, now I'll take a donut. ;)
hey Uncle Virgil, thanks for your comment :) glad you like it better now :) :) :).
well, the Bernhard thing is intended to be irrational etc, i'll stick to that... yeah.. well let's see.. whatever :) i guess the idea is that Julia just feels a bit disconnected from other people and this is her way of seeking 'human warmth' and uncle gets cheated on by his evil w**** of a wife and blabla. :)
enjoy your donut :)
what do you make of Julia's reflections at the end? do you share her view or is she too bitter? does it make her more or less likeable? do they still tie in with what we know about her character?
what about the general tone of the ending? is it a good/bad/open ending?
(hehe, do I sound like a Lit teacher?)
do you really, really, really think i should publish it? i think I'll print it out and have it bound at the copyshop to circulate it among my friends for a start. have you ever done that? it's embarrassing :blush:
I thought they were appropriate. Like I said, I don't usually like endings that are explained, but I felt comfortable here now.Quote:
Originally Posted by SleepyWitch
I didn't feel she was bitter. Realistic is the word. Not an idealist any longer perhaps, but life does that. That's what makes it a story.Quote:
do you share her view or is she too bitter?
If I didn't like her by then, it would be too late. I liked her voice as it went through the story. One really bonded with her.Quote:
does it make her more or less likeable?
I think so.Quote:
do they still tie in with what we know about her character?
I think it closes the story. I don't think it you left anything open.Quote:
what about the general tone of the ending? is it a good/bad/open ending?
Yes, but you should be thinking more like a writer, not a teacher. ;)Quote:
(hehe, do I sound like a Lit teacher?)
I've never published a story. Give it a try, what's the harm. There are some diction places I might change. I really didn't write them down, but I'll read it once more and note those little things. Also, I still find the way you layout dialogue as awkward. There are standard ways to do that.Quote:
do you really, really, really think i should publish it? i think I'll print it out and have it bound at the copyshop to circulate it among my friends for a start. have you ever done that? it's embarrassing :blush: