haunted, very impressive. I fell in love with the image of snow angels…
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haunted, very impressive. I fell in love with the image of snow angels…
Wherefore art thou?
You posted!!! So good to read you again. Welcome back. Love the metaphor of longing for the blizzard. The closing line of S1 .. should it be too rather than to or is it s question? You have an individual style Haunted. Post more often. Clink.
Hawk, thanks for taking the time to help with a few bad usages, as always!! I knew it but didnt spend the time to think it through, counting on Hawk to help out :). I got the corrections, except for "would". It started out talking about weather and future snow, hence, "will" as future tense. But the piece transitioned to a wish dependent on an unpredictable weather event, that's when I wrote "would" instead. I knew the grammar police will frown, but just wanted to convey that thought with conditional. Really pleased the piece still works for you, despite these little spots.
Dieter, so glad you actually pointed out the snow angels. As soon as I posted I was wondering perhaps I didn't need that stanza, but left it in to see if anyone says something. Definitely not touching it now. Thanks!
Jerry, it's always a '48 party when you post here! That line was just poorly written. I'm starting to think grammatically challenged is my style lol. Clink.
Haunted, your postings are few and far between. But as Spencer Tracy once remarked to Kate Hepburn about her slim figure: "There's not much there, but what's there is 'cherce.' " (Choice.)
As to "Late Winter," it reminds me of that fabulous song, "Baby, It's Cold Outside." I just did an online search and found it was written by the great Frank Loesser! I should have known.
Anyway, what that song and your latest poem do is pose cold weather, a winter storm, as a convenient excuse for a little romance. I always thought a soft snowfall was beautiful, but this year? Enough is enough. Be that as it may, I think your narrator wants one last snowstorm so she can have another session with her lover, right?
A witty -- and warm(!) -- little wistful piece.
Shoot some more of your bon mots our way.
Auntie
Fantastic! Love the bit about the snow angels.Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
That's a very nice quote there Auntie, thank you! "Cherce" sounds exotic with an element of glam (must be the Hepburn association). Have to remember that, it'll make a good username somewhere. I didn't know that song but looked it up, enjoyed its music and construct. To your question, RIGHT! I don't write nature poems all that well anyways, so always some allusions. Ahh, talking about snow, I woke up to a white dusting a few days ago; temps got seasonal for 2 days and now it's freezing again. When is it going to end?
Qim, so pleased you love the snow angels! I'll send a few down to you for next winter (I think now we are ready for some spring action)
I think Spencer Tracy was attempting to be humorous with a Brooklyn accent: "cherce" for "choice." Either way, it describes your "stuff."Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
More, please!
I got the "choice" reference, but totally missed the Brooklyn accent! The worst!!! lol
After 4/15… Bet you know why….Quote:
More, please!
contract negotiations
if I lower the corner
of your business card
into the little tealight
will the pulp
flare in indignation
or will it singe and subside
like this slow dancing
through obscure overwrought jargon
and your nervous uncontrollable tics
would my hair catch fire
if I leant over to kiss you
would the terms of agreement
be nude and void
would it be better if you used "leant over" in s3? I didn't mind the present tense when giving your poem a first read, but during the thrid reading, I stumbled over it… and am still not sure. "leant" WOULD sound grammatically better, I guess. Other than that, you had me there. I dunno how you did it because you didn't describe neither a location nor physical characterictics nor anything, it's all very subdued & minimalist (haunted-ish, I'd say), but I heard music, saw you two dancing ever so slowly… and the song "Private Dancer" came to mind (as well as—go figure why, even I don't understand—the B.E. Ellis-novel "American Psycho").
Hi Haunt. S2 is stalling the flow a bit. The last two lines of this stanza aren't working for me. They don't flow from what comes before. The 'but' is the biggest problem. However, these lines feel superfluous to me, a digression... Going nowhere. Consequently they sap some of the energy from the poem. I'd also be inclined to put the line break before beyond...
"beyond disclaimers
and obscure jargon"
The words flow better like this. Apart from that. Cracking little piece!
Live and be well - H
hi Dieter, I'm never getting the conditional tenses right, sigh. Thanks for the correction. I'm afraid you gave me more credit than I deserved. I wish I could claim your lovely interpretation of the dance and music, you are a true romantic! But it is about something much more mundane. I used the urban meaning of "slow dancing" to convey a business negotiation not advancing, and the inevitable tension… I tweaked it to make it a little more clear. Thanks!
Hi Haunted. I might remove the "but" and then make the last two stanza one (maybe). And maybe add an "or" as in "or would my hair catch fire..."
I really like it. But after reading your response to Dieter I'm not sure what it's about. I thought it was about two people who cannot decide whether to move forward in a relationship in some way-maybe it's just a date and he can't decide whether to kiss the girl or not? Whichever, it's a nicely moody little piece.
haunted, well, I stand corrected, too, as to what you wanted to express :-) anyway, in my humble opinion, you shouldn't have tweaked anything at all; what I like in a poem is that I can read it twice, thrice, a thousand times, and discover something new each time (new music, new meanings, etc.). so don't make things clear, gal, for God's sake! And do not tweak! I for one am a fan of yours whenever you choose to appear "untweaked" :-) (not that the tweaked version is not good, but now that's the haunted-fan talking, and we won't have any more flattering, now, will we?)