Tell Me A Joke

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Virgil

Life Explained


> On the first day, God created the dog and said:
>
> 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
> or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
>
> The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
> years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
>
> So God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
>
> 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
> you a twenty-year life span.'
>
> The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
> time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
>
> And God agreed .
>
> On the third day, God created the cow and said:
>
> 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
> under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
> family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
>
> The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
> sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
>
> And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
>
> 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
> twenty years.'
>
> But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
> twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
> the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
>
> 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
>
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
> enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
> support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
> entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
> front porch and bark at everyone.
>
> Life has now been explained to you.

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Is this joke exist already in the Bible?! Or it's a prediction of someone's mind?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mercy_mankind

Is this joke exist already in the Bible?! Or it's a prediction of someone's mind?

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No Mercy that's only a joke. It's not anywhere.

Blonde Male Joke



> >> The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait
!!!!
> >>
> >> An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction
work on
> >> scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
> >>
> >> They were eating
> >> lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get
corned
> >> beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
this
> >> building."
> >>
> >> The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If
I get
> >> burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
> >>
> >> The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
> >> bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
> >>
> >> The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and
> >> cabbage, and jumped to his death.
> >>
> >> The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
> >>
> >> The blonde guy opened
> >> his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
> >>
> >> At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd
known
> >> how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
have
> >> given it to him again!"
> >>
> >> The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or
> >> enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
> >>
> >> Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said,
> >>
> >> "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch

virgil that was really funny!!!

Ok, I can do this. I can. A joke....mmm....ok here goes - this is the only one I know which isn't 'dirty'

A man whose wife dies and who goes to the stone mason to get a headstone prepared for the burial.

"Just put SHE WAS THINE." the man said.
"Right," says the mason. "Come back tomorrow."
He comes back. But the mason has got it wrong. He put "SHE WAS THIN".
"You bloody fool!" says the man. "You've missed out the 'e'!"
"Oh, aye, right," says the man. "Come back tomorrow."
He comes back. The mason has changed it. It now reads: "EEE, SHE WAS THIN!"

HEY, you said a joke, you didn't say a good joke!

Q - Why do French people only have one egg for breakfast?



A - Because one egg is 'un oeuf'.

A bunch of Little Johnny jokes. :D


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

http://www.eatliver.com/img/2008/3677.jpg

Phone rings and a man says: "Hello."
A voice from the other side says: "May I speak to John, please?"
The man answeres: "Sorry, there is no John here, wrong number."
After one hour phone rings again and the man answers: "Hello."
The same voice as before asks: "May I speak to Joh, please?"
The man syas: "Sorry, wrong number again."
After one hour phone rings again and the same covnersation goes like before. The same conversation goes on and on all day long.
The man who was answering the phone almost got a nervous break down. Late in the night the phone rings and wakes the man up, he picks up the receiver and yells: "Hello!" The same voice says: "Hello, this is John speaking, has anybody asked for me by phone today?"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mmaria

Phone rings and a man says: "Hello."
A voice from the other side says: "May I speak to John, please?"
The man answeres: "Sorry, there is no John here, wrong number."
After one hour phone rings again and the man answers: "Hello."
The same voice as before asks: "May I speak to Joh, please?"
The man syas: "Sorry, wrong number again."
After one hour phone rings again and the same covnersation goes like before. The same conversation goes on and on all day long.
The man who was answering the phone almost got a nervous break down. Late in the night the phone rings and wakes the man up, he picks up the receiver and yells: "Hello!" The same voice says: "Hello, this is John speaking, has anybody asked for me by phone today?"

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That's funny :)
Thanks.

Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".
I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."

"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.

He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."

Ganked from comedycentral.com :D

This is an actual letter to a Readers' Help column in a small town newspaper somewhere in the US:

Dear Sir,

My hobby is balistics and for some time I have been trying to get together enough parts to build a heat-seeking 'Sidewinder' missile. By using various internet sites I was finally able to obtain all that was needed to build the 'Sidewinder' and I asked a friend who had a farm with a derelict metal barn if I could fire the missile and try to destroy the barn. He agreed and so early one morning I drove out to the farm with the missile, set it up, and launched it. The barn was cold but unfortunately the engine in my car was still warm. The insurance company is refusing to pay out. Do you think I should get a lawyer ?


Answer: No, you should get a psychiatrist.

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c2...ad1larson1.jpg

The old, really lame joke is:

Why is six afraid of seven?
because seven eight nine.


most people I know have heard this one, so I like to ask them, "Why is six afraid of seven"

and when they are about to answer with the punchline, I scream really loudly to scare them. I take inordinate amounts of pleasure in doing this.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Brian Bean

This is an actual letter to a Readers' Help column in a small town newspaper somewhere in the US:

Dear Sir,

My hobby is balistics and for some time I have been trying to get together enough parts to build a heat-seeking 'Sidewinder' missile. By using various internet sites I was finally able to obtain all that was needed to build the 'Sidewinder' and I asked a friend who had a farm with a derelict metal barn if I could fire the missile and try to destroy the barn. He agreed and so early one morning I drove out to the farm with the missile, set it up, and launched it. The barn was cold but unfortunately the engine in my car was still warm. The insurance company is refusing to pay out. Do you think I should get a lawyer ?


Answer: No, you should get a psychiatrist.

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Hey I wrote that letter. Don't make fun of my hobbies. :p

Quote:

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Originally Posted by imthefoolonthehill

The old, really lame joke is:

Why is six afraid of seven?
because seven eight nine.


most people I know have heard this one, so I like to ask them, "Why is six afraid of seven"

and when they are about to answer with the punchline, I scream really loudly to scare them. I take inordinate amounts of pleasure in doing this.

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You sound like a real fool on the hill. :p

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best comeback" line and we think he'll win.