Take your time and all the best to you and your poetry of gold
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Take your time and all the best to you and your poetry of gold
coffee
fresh brew is smooth
calm and clear like a dark mirror
and when the cream touches
the swirls are crisp
like calligraphy
penned by a genuine artist
instant… on the other hand
is foamy, crude
made up on the spot to please
only to dissolve into nothing
a pretender at best
with that in mind
I'd like to thank you
for the coffee
as you take your sip
to carefully form a conversation
just so you know
I can tell the difference
Hi Haunt, I really like this one. The coffee analogy works well as an extended metaphor. I have a couple of observations though. I feel that the last line of S1 slightly over extends the verse. for me, the natural place for the verse to stop is at artist: "on an enchanting invite" feels a bit weak.
The second point is the line break at S2 L3. This feels unnatural. I can see why you wanted to end the line at spot, it's a stronger word with a harder consonant, but everywhere else in the poem the individual lines represent complete thoughts/clauses, as it were. To follow this pattern I'd have started the next line at "but". I wonder if you shouldn't drop "to please" altogether. Just a thought.
Lastly the final line is a bit weak, ending the line with is... hmmm. Maybe, "I can tell the difference" is a bit more subtle and still conveys the same message.
Always good to see your work gracing the boards.
Live and be well - H
Hawk, agreed totally with everything you said. The "invite' line is just window dressing, to match the "thank you for the coffee" bit. Not really necessary though. Regarding the line break, I realized the mistake after I clicked "post", but too lazy to fix it. And I got caught, lol. Made the changes. Oh, great suggestion for last line. Thanks so much!
Oh the company you must keep! Which is it I wonder? You got me thinking with this one Haunted.
Delta, lol. So true though. There are a lot of tells if you pay attention. Most are benign, thankfully. Thanks for popping in!
That’s a nicely observed moment of the sort of (un)conscious judgements we make of others, Haunted. The personification in the line ‘a pretender at best’ is slyly humorous and shifts the poem subtly onto a figurative level.
It puts me in mind of Charles Simic’s ‘At the Cookout’, in which the male narrator is looking at his wife and her friends laughing at something, but he doesn’t know what, which he finds unsettling.
The lines are quite conversational, which seems fitting, but I wonder if there’s more you can make of the poem’s form – for example, writing the first two stanzas, which contrast the types of coffee, in contrasting ways. You might consider reducing the poem to just three stanzas as well; the last three stanzas seem to belong together.
BV, I see your point about contrasting first 2 stanzas, kind of like pairing, or opposite pairing. I kept changing the last line in S1, I'll change it back to "artist", which would probably make more sense to you and it contrasts better with "pretender". You are right about that. Good call.
Otherwise I am comfortable with the loose form because the feeling between S1 and S2 is so different. S1 is meditative, but when it gets to S2, the tone is more annoyed, almost like venting. Ironically I make instant coffee all the time. But that's beside the point, it's about being served instant coffee when it should have been "real" coffee!!!
The last 3 short stanzas certainly can be combined, but I separated them out for pacing and emphasis. I'd like to slow it down to mimic conversation. Talk... think... look down at cup... look up... talk, etc.
I really appreciated your comment, very helpful. Thanks!
Sometimes we can glean good poems from ordinary, everyday things -- looking at the familiar with new eyes. The Imagists wouls approve the first half of your poem. Yours fooly admires how it "connects" w. the second half.
Auntie, thanks for your kind words. Your hermit crab comes to mind.... but even better!
I saw your name at the end of the thread and thought you'd posted a new one. Looking forward to when that time arrives.
Your fan,
Auntie
A well roasted and very smart coffee analogy. I particularly liked your use of calligraphy in describing the coffee and the bittersweet closing stanzas x
Dear Auntie, so sweet. That's one F word I wouldn't mind hearing over and over, LOL. <3
Jerry, I'll add some whiskey to the "good" coffee, just for you. Clang x
tsunami
never know
when it's going to hit
when it does
there's no stopping
the swell
that rises from
the center of the earth
choking me
my chest convulses
my face squeezes tight
behind a wall of
black mascara tears
all I see is you
you wouldn't know
the damage done
but it really ruins my makeup
Hi Haunt. Yup that's a strong poem, but you could lose the 'it' from S2 L2 and did you really mean massacre or should that be mascara? Mascara would be better ;)
"Goes into convulsion" is a long winded way to say what you mean, "my chest convulses" would be tighter. I like the concept of the last verse I'm not keen on wouldn't. Perhaps don't would be stronger. Just a thought, but there is some good strong imagery here. Love the likening of the tsunami to the emotional swell and tears. Poignant with humour. Your strengths in poetic expression.
Live and be well - H