How do wolves eat?
They wolf it down. :cool:
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How do wolves eat?
They wolf it down. :cool:
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench; Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the three ladies. Ethel immediately has a stroke. Marge also has a stroke soon thereafter. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far...
Life Explained
> On the first day, God created the dog and said:
>
> 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
> or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
>
> The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
> years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
>
> So God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
>
> 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
> you a twenty-year life span.'
>
> The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
> time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
>
> And God agreed .
>
> On the third day, God created the cow and said:
>
> 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
> under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
> family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
>
> The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
> sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
>
> And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
>
> 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
> twenty years.'
>
> But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
> twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
> the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
>
> 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
>
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
> enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
> support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
> entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
> front porch and bark at everyone.
>
> Life has now been explained to you.
Ok, I'm not sure if this one will qualify as a joke, a riddle, or food for thought...in any case - enjoy:
An average man and woman are sitting in an average diner, having an average meal. There is silence until the man speaks up.
"Why is it women always say to men, 'If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you'?"
The woman replied "because men should know."
"Know what?!" he asks perplexed.
She looks up and says, "if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."
[aside from the joke - what is it you think men should know?]
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
I love these. :D I would love to have met Winston Churchill.
When Insults Had Class
(No 4-letter words!!) These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Oh those are GREAT!! :lol:!! :D Classic!! :p
I'd love to witness an argument between all of those people. I'd pay to watch that!! :D
But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down.
Darth Vader: I will have the penne all'arrabiata.
Canteen Worker: You'll need a tray.
Darth Vader: Do you know who I am?
Canteen Worker: Do you know who I am?
Darth Vader: This is not a game of who the **** are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought.
Canteen Worker: Well, you'll still need a tray.
Darth Vader: No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, for which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor.
Canteen Worker: No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on.
Darth Vader: Oh, I see the food is hot. I'm sorry. I did not realise. Ha ha ha ha oh tray for the yes. I thought you were challenging me for the fight to the death.
Canteen Worker: A fight to the death? This is canteen, I work here.
Darth Vader: Yes, but I am Vader. I am Lord Vader? Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader? Darth Vader, I'm Darth Vader. Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth Sir Lord, Lord Vader of Cheem? Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham? The Death Star. I run the Death Star.
Canteen Worker: What's the Death Star?
Darth Vader: This is the Death Star! You're in the Death Star! I run this star!
Canteen Worker: This is a star?
Darth Vader: This is a ****ing star! I run it! I'm your boss.
Canteen Worker: You're Mr. Stevens?
Darth Vader: No, I'm who is Mr. Stevens?
Canteen Worker: He's Head of Catering.
Darth Vader: I'm not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought.
Canteen Worker: Wha'?
Darth Vader: I can kill you all! I can kill me with a thought! Just fine, I'll get a tray, **** it. This one's wet, and this one's wet and this one's wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of the Death Star do we not have a tray that is ****ing dry? I do not no, no, no! I was here first!
Other guy: You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, uh ooo, penne all'arrabiata. That'd be very nice.
Darth Vader: No, no, no! Do you know who I am?
Canteen Worker: That's Jeff Vader that is!
Darth Vader: I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader.
Other guy: What? Jeff Vader runs the Death Star?
Darth Vader: No, Jeff no, I run the Death Star.
Other guy: You Jeff Vader?
Darth Vader: No, I'm Darth Vader.
Other guy: Are you his brother? Could you get his autograph?
Darth Vader: I can't get his no, I'm Jeff all right, I'm Jeff Vader! I'm Jeff Vader!
Other guy: Could I have your autograph?
Darth Vader: No, **** off or I'll kill you with a tray! Give me penne all'arrabiata or you shall die! And you and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!
Canteen Worker: Do you want peas with that?
Darth Vader: Peas! You don't have peas! You can't put in right in you can't put it doesn't work with penne! Unless you push 'em up the penne tubes and then it'd be weird! Oh, all right! Put some peas in.
(eddie izzard as vader and so forth)
Preacher's Son
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his
age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem
too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his
father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and
placed on his study table four objects.
1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
"I'l l just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself."When
he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a
business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle,
he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would
be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked
over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up
the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna be a politician."
Oh what has life become, has anyone really stopped to think about it?
Quote:
NOAH
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said:
Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines
and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord.
'The government beat me to it.
:D :D The sad thing is that it's all true. ;)
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works."
God created Man and Woman,and took a moment to marvel at his work. So he looks at Man for a few minutes and says:
- You turned out great,spot on perfect!
He then takes a moment to look at the Woman he created and goes:
- Ah,screw it,you're going to have to wear make-up!
God created Man.
After taking a look at him for couple of minutes, he shook his head and said, "I can do better!"
And that is how Woman was created.
Ha ha,touchι! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Scheherazade
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Ted,
> I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
> husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
> mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
> halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
> couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making
> mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been
> married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that
> he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue
> but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid
> her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him
> and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But
> when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and
> admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
> I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
> months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
> worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
> has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
> anymore.
> Can you please help?
> Sincerely,
> Susie Fox
>
>
> Dear Susie,
> A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
> variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
> line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the
> inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the
> problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
> delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber .
> I hope this helps.
> Ted
:lol: :lol: