Like your second version - missed the metaphor completely in your first!
'the Halley's comet' should be 'Halley's comet' methinks.
H
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Like your second version - missed the metaphor completely in your first!
'the Halley's comet' should be 'Halley's comet' methinks.
H
Great opening this time, Haunted and divoirce is the best of endings :) I love to read you.
Bar, I certainly feel more comfortable with this version, I over-edited it the first time trying to put a positive spin but that turned disastrous. I don't like how that "painting" lines read either. I agree ending with "melt", it's a good place for a commercial break, so to speak. I put "clock" upfront into the title to take away the guesswork and strengthens the metaphor. Thanks for the close read and valuable input!
Hill, really glad you preferred this version, it's also my preference. The first version wasn't any good at all and your feedback about its clarity (or the lack of) is much appreciated.
Jerry, same here, fan of your work too and guess what, your "God at the Rise and Crown" inspired my next poem so stay tuned. I'd like to think of divorce as a new beginning *clink*
how to heal a painful past
here I am on a cliff
in Los Alamos staring
at a wild bush of ancient hair
white, electrified
like a florescence of fiber optics
so brilliant my eye tears
I came a thousand miles
to hear it straight from him
the one and only timeless truth
"this is real"
I almost choke
I fall into his arms
he pops open a 1955 vintage
bottled just yesterday
"they exist at the same time
past, present, and future
like triplets of the universe"
so that's it
so simple
one quantum leap back
and I can be there again
to kiss it all better
the mother of all wounds
I'm ready to jump
he throws his goblet
down the gaping, echo-y canyon
as if to resonate
"pain is no different
than happiness
it's all relative"
Interesting exploration of reality or relativity - a Mexican Einstein.
May one politely ask 'What's a gobbler?'
I thought I'd ask before Jerry gave you the UK interpretation.
H
Oh dear, it should be "goblet". I got it confused with "tumbler", cross contamination! I fear to hear what the UK interpretation, especially coming from Jerry ;) Fixed!
And the other thing — New Mexico is the state of New Mexico where Los Alamos National Laboratory situates. I didn't say Los Alamos because I thought it might be too obvious, but I totally forgot there are non US readers. I can't t think of anything inbetween so I"m going to swop it and see what others say. Thanks Hill for the feedback!
The term 'provider of oral services' explains one UK interpretation of 'gobbler'.
H
Hi Haunted, sorry to say I've been lax in keeping up with the personal poetry forum because of all the time spent on the "Lyin' King" novella, still not done btw, but getting there. Anyway, I saw your thread and went back to read the ones from September to now--
Liked "What Have You Done" for the effective line breaks (arrangement on the page) and esp., as Hawkman pointed out, for the "juicy" verbs and imagery, albeit gory in a metaphorical way. Stairway poem really accessible, true to life, doesn't get bogged down with lots of metaphysics; same with "clockwise" -- despite the mechanical title,it's earthy and sensual like some of the stuff by Sharon Olds. I got the Los Alamos reference, but again, I'm glad you didn't hit us with a sledgehammer(or an "atomic flyswatter." It's not entirely historical accurate --Einstein's famous letter warned rather than advocated the development of atomic weapons, which physicists like Oppenheimer and Fermi worked on. Also,it's my understanding that the theory of quantum mechanics (and string theory later) was presented by physicists who were looking for an alternative to Einstein's explanation of the Universe. (I'm not a scientist, I don't even play one on TV, but that's where I get all my scientific info.) Still, the tangible imagery allows "travel log" accessibility -- the bottle of wine vintage 1955 (a decade after The Event) is cute; as a whole the piece is whimsical rather than polemic, refreshingly so, since the topic is usually treated with dead seriousness, but your piece cleverly avoids the earnestly-wrought clichés.
Hi Haunted, like this one rather a lot. My literal mind has a problem with "on a cliff in Los Alamos" because all I see is the flat desert. Maybe on the tower would be better? Corked is the wrong word to use, I think you mean bottled, because "corked" is a term for wine which has gone bad, having reacted with the cork. Consequently it doesn't quite make sense as worded. But these are minor quibbles. I like what the poem has to say and the ideas you're playing with, though why you have a thing for Einstein is a bit of a mystery :D refreshingly original.
Live and be well - H
The subtle complexity of this poem is breathtaking, Haunted. Its power imposes a deep reflection, the nucleus of which is humanity, around which circle so many deriving thoughts. You surpass yourself and - what a privilege to be in touch with your depths! Thanks a lot.
God at the Rose and Crown inspired this? Well, it did some good :) You definitely outdid it :D
Yikes Hill, that made it a turkey of a blunder!
Jerry, your God at the Rose and Crown indeed inspired this. I'll explain, this will also help answer some of the comments.
Lately I'm a bit obsessed with the concept of time, with the aspect that one can reach back to the past. (Yes, there are ways.) Someone pointed me to Einstein and according to him, the separation of the past, present and future is just an illusion.
So you are right, Auntie, the reference to Einstein has nothing to do with the atom bomb. Some said Einstein was never even in Los Alamos, but because of the Manhattan Project, I figured I'd use the association.
Los Alamos is symbolically useful: It is canyon country — no, Hawk, it's isn't flat, check this out. It's just so perfect as a metaphor, where the persona is literally on a cliffhanger learning that she can go back in time, and also a nice high ground for a leap, as doing the whole quantum leap thing, and the actual jumping, just being in character ;)
Anyway I wanted to write about "time" and was thinking of a technique when suddenly, Jerry's poem, God at the Rose and Crown, popped into my head. I had previously commented on it and it's really an exceptional and memorable piece. Then it hit me Jerry, if you can talk to God, I can talk to Einstein! Thank you very much, you get full credit!
Hawk, I didn't know that definition of "corked', I just thought of it as corking the bottle. I originally wrote "bottled" but changed it because I needed to say "bottle" in the previous line. I'll have to come up with something else. I'm really glad you like it, it turned out not having the effect as I had planned, but I wouldn't know what to change.
Auntie, The "Lyin' King" novella sounds intriguing, good luck! I'm so appreciative that you'd take the time to read my old stuff, and really pleased that it pleased you! The "juicy" poem worked the way I intended, and I just barely got "clockwise" to work, phew!!! About being historically incorrect with the Einstein stuff here, there's so much I don't know, and it isn't exactly sinking in, as I'm just reading bits and pieces whenever I find time which is like never, so there isn't much for accuracy but more an exploration of time as well as an exercise of poetics.
Bar, thank you so much for your kind words, as always. It is a rather ambitious subject and I certainly didn't give it justice. The poem is coming up short, but knowing that you get the sense of it, its so very rewarding.
Your explanation, Haunted, was very instructive, because actually I read your poem from a slightly different perspective. But since there seems not to be conscience of time (linear or otherwise) except in man, I may still have grasped a hair of your reflection... Wonderful poem, Haunted. Thanks again.
Ah. Bar you just gave me an idea. I am changing the title to something more transparent so the rest of the poem can be more readily understood. The original "travel log" refers to the travel to Los Alamos, and also the trip back to the past but it is obscured unless one gets what's going on in the poem, and apparently it isn't as easy to grasp as I had hoped. The poem doesn't scream "spacetime" and I really don't want it to, it's not the center of the poem. So, at the risk of hitting people over the head with it, I'm going to establish the subject right from the get go, this way, it would help in following the train of thought as the poem unfolds. New title coming up....
Very good read. I got the feeling it was the receiving of the quantum 1 commandment E-mc2.