The closing lines , I love good closing lines. You write the poetry I connect to. *clink*
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The closing lines , I love good closing lines. You write the poetry I connect to. *clink*
I have nothing to add but to express my admiration. That was a brilliant work. As mentioned by previous commenters, you beautifully brought the text into a successful end. I really enjoyed this pessimism in the text. Moreover, psychologically it is proved that a pessimist person tends to be more logical than an optimist. That's what made your poem distinct.
Jerry you are a gem *clink*
MI, you are too kind, and thanks for gracing this thread!
Hill, I"m paring down some more, taking out the squeaking steps stanza. I can flesh that out and it can be a poem by itself. Here it seems to be getting in the way. Also tried to replace "definitely" but it became indefinitely worse! I'll see if I can fix it.....
The end here is poignant; you build the tension through the poem wonderfully, though I'd tend to join hill in his suggestion to pare down the poem here and there to make it even stronger. Always so rewarding to read you, Haunted! Thank you and am waiting for more...Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
Bar, thanks for the valuable input. I know what else to cut, in addition to what I already clipped out, for a tighter construction, though I can't lose too much as I need a certain length for the built-up in order for the end to be effective. As always I enjoy your comments and critique and likewise, also on the lookout for your new work.
Lovely poem not sure what else to say.
thanks Zoo, short and sweet is you!
You do leave me wanting more of this story
Fire, it didn't even occur to me that it fell short of fleshing out the story leading up to the stair climbing, which, at least for me, is the story. So it's fair to question where's the story behind the story. It's an interesting thought that's worth some further exploring, so thanks for the feedback!
clockwise
are you getting
goosebumps
I am tingling
with a billion
butterflies
for the few seconds
when your hand moves
so instinctually over mine
the sun and the moon
and the Halley's comet
stop in their tracks
and I melt
do you believe in eternity
will we have a future
what if you knew my past
would you still come around
in the next hour
or will we one day be stuck
at opposite ends
citing unreconcilable
differences
(previous)
timing
are you getting
goosebumps
I am tingling
with a billion
butterflies
for those seconds
when your hand moves
so instinctually
and unhesitatingly
over mine
the sun and the moon
and the Halley's Comet
stop in their tracks
and I melt
like the Dalí painting
do you believe in eternity
or is it just a concept
will we have a future
what if you learn my past
would you still come around
like clockwork
Hi Haunted,
a bit surprised by the positive tone of the poem - no one dies, no one is left, no ghosts ;-) Positively surprised, do I have to point that out? Not that I don't love your other poems, but these just were THE lines I needed this morning. I just wonder whether the poem wouldn't have more impact if you left out the first stanza? The goosepumps and butterflies (I'm rather too fond of them, too, in my own writing) are not all that original, I know (and still use them *sigh*, always the romantic dude). Another minor quibble, it's not the Dali painting that melts, but precisely the clocks. "like Dali clocks" would give the ending away too soon, I'm aware of that; how about "and I melt like Dali hours"? Not the best of suggestions… Another little thing: why didn't you use "learned" in line4 of the 3rd stanza (which would fit better with the "would" in the following line)?
All in all, though, I really enjoyed this.
Haunted, what a change of perspective! It's a simple, quiet poem, but intense; the shy emotion awakes hesitations, but wants to (and allows) hope...
I agree with Dieter regarding "learnED" and Dali's melting clocks, plus would suggest that you find another image for melting, since Dali, if I'm not mistaken, alluded in those paintings to the time's decomposing effects while the melting of your poem's "I" is more of an opening to a (hopefully) building relation.
"Do you believe in eternity/or is it just a concept" - would deserve a discussion, as for me abstract ideas, the moment they're thought, become reality (the density of which may vary) and therefore "just" reads superfluous.
Just my little observations...
I enjoyed and thank you for your sharing this piece illumined with a soft light.
More optimistic than some of your material but still asking questions of what relationships signify.
The closing verse in my opinion suffers because of those first two lines but the rest of your poem is another gem.
It's about time yoy changed the self-deprecating title of your thread!
H
Dieter, Bar and Hill — it's "positive" and "optimistic" only because I cut out the last stanza. Surprise!
Dieter, you're so funny. In my original version, someone did leave, but glad I left it out or else it would ruin your morning! I totally fudged up the poem though. I can see how the first stanza may sound cliche, but it would only be cliche if spoken by people. That thought actually came from an inanimate object, but when I was shortening the poem, some of the clues got lost. I couldn't say Dali clock because it is a clock! LOL. Couldn't give that away, although I'm doing it now. I have to put back some lines and re-post it. The "learn" is intentional and thought I could get away with it. oh well...
Bar, do I dare return to an earlier version that is less hopeful? I probably will, this is so unfinished! I'll fix the conditional, I get obsessive over word counts and letter counts... I hated that extra 2 characters, makes the line longer. I'm crazy like that.... About the Dali clock, it's commonly referred to as the "melting clock" and the original poem was about a "decomposing" relationship. The "eternity" lines is me moving into a "voice" poem, that was my genre. But the words didn't come out right and you are right in pointing them out.
Hill, I"ll see what I can do about those two lines, I like it but not the way it's written. Change the title of my thread? No!! What would I change it to, add a superlative perhaps, "A boring collection of the trashest poems". That's the direction it's heading these days, I have rocks in my head!
A big thanks to all, very constructive comments. I will post a revision.
Your "less hopeful" version, Haunted, resembles you better (I'm afraid). You're now going with your voice. Before, I did have an impression it wasn't exactly YOU (though for your personal life I wish you had simple love, sure and forever happy, ah).
I still have some problem with 'right here on the table/inside Dali's painting,' I may miss something, but would prefer S2 to end simply at "am melting."
Waiting for developments of this!