Thanks Delta, I was trying real hard to describe a mirage. So pleased it works for you!
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Thanks Delta, I was trying real hard to describe a mirage. So pleased it works for you!
need professional help
I don't want to impose
but the screen won't
fit back into the window
after a very bad winter
there's a slow gas leak
I know it because
my head was just
inside the oven
I would open the window
but I need the screen
to keep the flesh flies out
if you don't mind
it's leaning over there
please watch your step
around the carrion
he is still my child
That's pretty bleak Haunted, but the last line's a killer. I would be inclined to change "dosen't" for "Won't" in S1, It's not essential but I think it would read better. I'd also drop a "very" from the fourth line. the emphasis of the repetition is at odds with the air of detachment which flavours the rest of the poem. I think I'd be inclined to put a stanza break after the gas leek line, and also after "carrion" in S4, to give it more punch.
S3: "Some" doesn't work here. Replace it with the: changing windows to window won't work because you've only asked the other to replace one screen. In S4 you don't need to mention the screen again, "it's" is quite sufficient. Good poem.
Live and be well - H
The last line is indeed a knockout. Short line length adds to the air of detachment you've so successfully evoked. And talking of success, when don't you succeed in writing a poem in your own unique way? Love you, love your works. X
P.S.- The head in the oven is reminiscent of Sylvia Plath.
Hawk, as always thanks for your keen eye and kind words. I totally missed the redundancy of "screen" in S4, there was a stanza before it that I took out but forgot to proof it again afterwards, it was a difficult poem to write, even harder to read back. Thanks for helping and appreciating.
AG, you and your beautiful words, such rarity. Stay the lovely self that you are. Love you too. xoxo
I'm still stunned and almost wordless. You created a whole, bleak, hopeless world out of so few & simple words! Great poem that moved me no end…
Are you reading Plath? but no, it's so much you, Haunted, your poetry is that ongoing Scream Munch's brush has released long ago. A very good, powerful poem indeed, hugs from me.
Dieter, even when it's minimalist, there are moments I wondered if I overwrote, so thanks for your comment!
Bar, no Plath, just coincidence. Much appreciated your comment, makes it all worthwhile. Hugs back.
homecoming
the heels would have
caused echoes like crazy
so I left them out
at the stone cold entry
I pretend it isn't
broken porcelain
and I wasn't stepping
in my own blood
from cuts I can't feel
against my own will
I look around and round
but I know exactly
where to find you
I thought you might
reach out and
stroke my cheek
through the glass
of the photo frame
You are back, Dear Haunted! this is great, welcome back!
Your poem, your very self.... poignant as yours are so often, delicately allusive, containing worlds of sorrow, the emptiness...
The last stanza is a great close of the suspense the previous have built.
Powerful, minimalistic work, Haunted, I read it several times and will return.
Stay here for a while, please.
Worth coming back for. I can say no more.
H
FINALLY. Even Hill (the recluse on behalf of his unsightly knees and justified despise of certain contributors) welcomed you back. I will second Hills comment. It is always a wise move. This place is better for your prescence and your writing.
Bar, always so sweet, I'm really moved!
OMG Hill you are back! So good to hear from you, you had no idea!!!
Jerrrrrr!!!!
Oh really good to be back, but not without you guys!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
The poem is very poignant obvious about mother loss of child, have them in the sitting room and longs to be with that child, and also moment of reality hit hard at end.
"I thought you might
reach out and
stroke my cheek
through the glass
of the photo frame."
Wow. Stunning. An elegant idea, so simply yet effectively put.