Tell Me A Joke

(Since some of these are related to what books you can or cannot read, I think this qualifies for inclusion in the "religious texts" forum.)

Top 25 Reasons for Becoming an Atheist

25. free membership in the ACLU.
24. abortions are half-price.
23. a twenty per cent discount on your wireless phone plan.
22. you save money on funerals because there's no point in getting all dressed up when there's no place to go.
21. you'll never have need to strap on a suicide bomb, burn a cross or get up early on Sunday.
20. you get a worldview that is scientifically supported by evidence.
19. you'll get to finally think for yourself, according to a recent scientific journal.
18. you get to believe everything in every non-religious book ever written.
17. you'll not not not go to Hell. That's logic!
16. you'll get to believe that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are inalienable rights, as per Thomas Jefferson (who's now dead, along with his slaves).
15. you'll get a free copy of “Atheism for Dummies”, a.k.a. “The Origen of Species”.
14.. You'll get to be 'alternative', 'subversive' and 'edgy'- just like all the cool kids.
13. you can be a decent person because you ARE a decent person, and not because "god told me to”.
12. you can finally volunteer at that soup kitchen by the abortion clinic again without feeling compelled to question the source of the "mystery meat" in the broth.
11. you’ll be free to believe in The Force and become a Jedi.
10. if you run out of toilet paper you can nail the bible on the wall.
9. you won't need communion wafers (which are incompatible with the Atkins diet anyway).
8. you'll never have to do anything nice for anyone else ever again.
7. you'll never have to worry that Gandhi or Einstein went to hell for choosing the wrong religion.
6. If you get off on whining about how unfair life is, if you feel all alone in the world and think that nobody loves or cares about you, you get the added bonus of knowing you'll get no justice after you die either.
5. you’ll be able to read Harry Potter.
4. you get to take credit for the things you did - None of that bullcrap "I would like to thank god for my success," or, "I guess god was watching over me that night."
3. you have an excuse to shout your own name when having an orgasm ("Oh Me... Ohhh Meeee!")
2. your scientifically supported dogma is being taught in public schools using tax money paid mostly by Christians.
1. you'll be automatically qualified to teach mythology classes at the University of Kansas.

http://img299.imageshack.us/img299/8002/untitledsg4.png


Before computers...


Memory was something you lost with age.


An application was for employment.


A program was a TV show.


A cursor someone who used profanity.


A keyboard was a piano.


A web was a spider's home.


A virus was the flu.


A CD was a bank account.


A hard drive was a long trip on the road.


A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.


And...


if you had a 3 inch floppy...


. . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

Men Are Just Happier People.

- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too disgusting.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress £2000. Tuxedo rental £100.

- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

- Your underwear is £9.99 for a three-pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original colour.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.

- You can play with toys all your life.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 2.5 minutes.

No wonder men are happier...

I thought this was funny. :lol:

Quote:

---

Blonde Male Joke

> >> The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait
!!!!
> >>
> >> An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction
work on
> >> scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
> >>
> >> They were eating
> >> lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get
corned
> >> beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
this
> >> building."
> >>
> >> The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If
I get
> >> burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
> >>
> >> The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
> >> bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
> >>
> >> The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and
> >> cabbage, and jumped to his death.
> >>
> >> The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
> >>
> >> The blonde guy opened
> >> his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
> >>
> >> At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd
known
> >> how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
have
> >> given it to him again!"
> >>
> >> The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or
> >> enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
> >>
> >> Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said,
> >>
> >> "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch

---

Ah yes, I know that joke. More familiar with when it retained the guy as an Irishman instead of a blond guy however. In Scotland we use the Irish as our buffoon characters eg:

Q What is the latest Irish Invention?

A Underwater hairdryer/Inflatable dartboard/Solar powered torch etc

A married man was visiting his mistress when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she'd kill me!" "Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh, really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night, James crawls into bed with his wife while she's sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon."

************************************

A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer he'd made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

************************************

"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife. "No, dear," she replied. "This time I really was asleep."

Q: What kind of pants do clouds wear?


A: Thunderwear!!!!

........ok i admit its not my best. :-(

A mean old lady owned a parrot. She would have a bad day and tease the parrot and call it names and poke at it through the cage, which she never opened so the parrot could fly.

The mean old lady died and her friend (remember she was mean) took the parrot to a pet shop and left it there for free. Well the parrot was as mean or meaner than the old lady was. He bit people who tried to feed him, he bit the pet shop keepers when they tried to change his cage. It was awful. So they put a sign on the parrot's cage, FREE PARROT!

One day a lonely man walked into the pet store and was looking for a pet. When he walked by the parrot's cage it said, "Hello!" "Hello," said the man from a distance, because he was unsure of parrots. But he like that the parrot said hello, so he told the shop keeper to covr the cage and he would take the parrot home. "Why is hs free," asked the lonely man? Well the shop keeper told the man that the parrot was not used to people yet, but he was sure it would get better and the man took the parrot home.

Right away the parrot began acting up. It would bite the man and cuss at him with words he had never heard. It would make noise all night long. It was awful.

So, one day the lonely man had had enough and he put the parrot in the freezer. The parrot screamed bloody murder and tried to bump open the door and then he would scream again. This went on for an hour and then it stopped. "Oh no," said the man, "I don't want to kill him." So he opened the door and took the parrot out. The parrot was very calm and the man was afraid he had hurt it. Suddenly, the parrot spoke, very eloquently, " I apologize for acting so ungrateful to you. Afterall, if it were not for you, kind sir, I would not have such a wonderful house in which to live. Please forgive and I promise to be the exemplary parrot from now on." "Alright said the man," but the first time you misbehave, it's back to the freezer with you!"
"Deal" said the parrot, then added, "By the way kind sir, I noiced something when I was in the freezer and I have a question....what did the chicked do?"

This is a parrot joke too.

Ok, a woman goes to a petshop wanting to a pet. She sees all the pricy animals then sees a parrot just for fifty dollars.

She goes to the clerk and asks "hey, how come that one is so cheap?"
The clerk answers "oh ma'am you don't want that parrot. It used to live on a whorehouse."
"so?" she says and buys the parrot.

When she gets home she puts the parrot on the living room.
Them her daughter comes from school "You filthy whore!" says the parrot.
They both laught.

Then comes her son from work "you ugly homo" the laught again.
at last comes the husband from work and the parrot says "Hi Pedro, back so soon?"

come one... we all have those funny jokes! admit it. so lets share 'um. either if they are your favorite, or just something that made you laugh we want to here them! i don't know if this has been done before, sorry if it has.:lol:


Once there where a blond hair girl, she needed to buy a tv so she went down to her local electronic store. She walked in and pointed at a tv and said to the clerk, "I want that tv." The clerk looked at the tv and said,"Sorry, but we don't sell to the blonds." Upset she left the store and went to the local hair solon and dyed her hair brown. She returned to the store, pointed at the tv, and said to the same clerk as before, "I want that tv." The clerk looked at her then at the tv, saying, "Sorry, but we don't sell to the blonds." Very mad ther girl left and died her hair black. She returned to the store, pointed at the tv, and said once again to the same clerk, "I want that tv!" The clerk looked at her then to then at the tv, saying, "Sorry, we don't sell to the blonds." The girl was livid! Shouting she exclaimed to the clerk, "HOW do you know that I'm a blond?! I died my hair brown and black! How do you know?!" The clerk looked at her then pointed at the tv with his thumb, "Well first of all, that's a micorwave."

i have the right to make a joke toward blonds, for after all, i am one!

A ventriloquist was doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he was going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stood on her chair and started shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"

Embarrassed, the ventriloquist began to apologize, when the blonde yelled,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!" "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "Nope." says the first IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop." "Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"

***********************************

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign posted on the glass door saying, "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Once there were three girls who where spies in another country. A blonde, a bernet, and a black haired girl. They were captured and were going to be killed by gunshot. First came the brenet; she stood against the wall. The men cried, "Ready, aim,-" but before they could finish the girl called, "Tornado!" Everyone hid, and she got away. The next girl, the black haired, stood at the wall, the men cried, "Ready, aim-" but the black haired girl shouted before they could finish, "Tsonimi!" Everyone hid and she got away. Next up was the blonde, the men called out "Ready, aim-" The blonde followed the example of the other two girls and called, "FIRE!!!"

Totally true story. We have two Doctors here in town, both of which have at one time or another been my family doctor. Dr. Hale was my family doctor, but when I went to work at the plant, they had Dr. McDowell as company doctor and it became convenient to switch. Both Doctors were on call at the hospital ER. Dr. McDowell was taking care of a lady when an emergency birth came in. As Doctor McDowell was qualified in that area and Doctor Hale was not, they called for him to come, STAT. The woman, indignant that the doctor was rushing out, said. "And what and I supposed to do?" "I guess you'll be seeing Hale." Doctor McDowell replied... http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l1...ilies/ROFL.gif

Here's a link to a good one......:lol:
Introduction to the book....
Scroll user calls help-desk....

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2...he-book-p1.php